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Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2023 14:53

Gardeningtime · 30/10/2023 14:35

This thread is astonishing. It’s went from will love conquer all, have we a future, I’ve been back only 3 times for 2 weeks hol at a time , I’m going back and staying with his sister, he doesn’t get any money from me,my kids don’t like it.

to, I go quarterly , I’m only going for a meal to his sisters, I give him work which pays 200 quid a time, a lot there, and its just fwb and my kids think we are friends,

It’s certainly a roller coaster and reads to me as someone infatuated with lust by someone which is great but then it skews your opinions of them.

This man right now, whatever any of us say, can and will do no wrong in her eyes.

Katiesaidthat · 30/10/2023 14:58

Please treat this as a fling. He either wants to get to the UK or you are just a fling before his family find him a nice muslim Moroccan virgin from the area his family come from to have the marriage and kids that God ordains (or Allah, in this case). If you take it seriously you will be in for tons of tears. Please don´t do this to yourself.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 14:59

RantyAnty · 30/10/2023 14:52

OP your story keeps changing. First it was you met him on holiday there. Now it's you met him online and after 6 months of chatting, you went to visit him.

We met in person first but after that we spoke online - will WhatsApp etc. That's what I mean by online

OP posts:
Dwappy · 30/10/2023 15:02

But you said you weren't sure if you would like each other in person after talking online for 6 months? But if you met in person originally then surely you knew you liked each other in person already?

PinkPantherPrat · 30/10/2023 15:05

It seems like you have your boundaries in place, so if it's making you happy at present go with it. Life is short so grab happiness where you can.

If things change and you start to feel too dependent on him then that's the time to reevaluate.

5128gap · 30/10/2023 15:09

The OP is a mature woman with a ton of life experience behind her. Independent and together, and a survivor of an abusive relationship (most likely with a man her own age and background for that matter) Given that, its quite offensive and very patronising to frame her as some vulnerable woman in her dotage all set to be exploited by some young ne'er do well from 'foreign parts' who couldn't possibly have any interest in some ancient old crone beyond the financial.
OP, you clearly have your eye out for the pitfalls here and seem to be applying due diligence. I dont think it will last because theres too many barriers, but nor do i think you need to run away before you lose your heart and life's savings. Just enjoy it until you tire of it.

ThirdDressStress · 30/10/2023 15:09

I know of a woman who was happily married to her Egyptian toyboy for many years and another who met a Tunisian man of a similar age on holiday, everyone said he just wanted a visa but 12 years on they are still together so yes it can work in some cases.

However if I was going to jump out of a plane and only 2 bags out of 100 were parachutes, I wouldn't fancy my odds. The scammers far outweigh the successful love stories.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 15:12

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2023 14:53

It’s certainly a roller coaster and reads to me as someone infatuated with lust by someone which is great but then it skews your opinions of them.

This man right now, whatever any of us say, can and will do no wrong in her eyes.

Show quote history

Apart from our initial meeting , I have been back 3 x and am going again soon. Each time for a couple of weeks which has tied in with work. I've met his sister and brother, but this time staying with his sister and her hub and kids, and visiting his family home for a meal. My kids think he is a friend but jniwni like him - they essentially don't want me to have a boyfriend so I've been very delicate about talking about him yet both have spoke to him on video call. They know I work there so are used to me talking with people. It's obviously hard to explain everything in comments and no it's not clear cut

I'm not denying that to others the situation might seem strange but atm he has not done anything that makes me feel like he's trying to con me.
The work was ad hoc, paid fairly and I mentioned it bc I felt that shows that we support each other. He has paid for flights for me before now. I have paid, we share some expenses - I paid an apartment, he paid an apartment, he pays travel and food.
I may well be an old fool as many of you think, but no one is currently being hurt and it's a fun, exciting relationship. I'm not sure what I want 100% as you're right, I'm still processing my break up. Incidentally my OH has had a new partner for most 9 months, and is happy - kid's are OK with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 15:18

Dwappy · 30/10/2023 15:02

But you said you weren't sure if you would like each other in person after talking online for 6 months? But if you met in person originally then surely you knew you liked each other in person already?

It wasn't long when we first met literally just a few hours, but enough to decide to exchange numbers but the first proper meeting I'm referring to was when we had begun to develop feelings and wanted to meet each other properly face to face, as it were. Subsequent trips after this, three months apart, and another coming up soon. This works out as approx quarterly after our first meeting in person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 15:20

PinkPantherPrat · 30/10/2023 15:05

It seems like you have your boundaries in place, so if it's making you happy at present go with it. Life is short so grab happiness where you can.

If things change and you start to feel too dependent on him then that's the time to reevaluate.

Thanks. I feel I do have them in place.

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/10/2023 15:32

So you've spent a total of six weeks with him.

I'm sorry but I think you're wasting your time. You had a gut physical attraction to him in a cafe, and you communicate online every day. You're basically the script outline for a film.

Seriously, if you're looking for a relationship and you have kids, this is not going anywhere. You could be spending this time meeting men that you have a realistic chance of a future with.

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 15:37

@Laura401

You started by saying you met at a bus stop. But you are now saying you met online?

I’m beginning to feel a bit scammed here myself!

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 15:40

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 15:37

@Laura401

You started by saying you met at a bus stop. But you are now saying you met online?

I’m beginning to feel a bit scammed here myself!

I did clarify that we met first for a few hours, then exchanged number and spoke via WhatsApp. That's what i meant by online. Electronically as opposed to in person. But met in person first.

OP posts:
Gifflon · 30/10/2023 15:42

“It was over 6 months before we met and it wasn't a given that we would like each other in person. But we did.”

@Laura401 ???? But you’d met at a bus stop and had a chat in a cafe in your original post…

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 15:46

You’d already had your ‘crazy connection’ in the cafe??

Chocolatebuttons3 · 30/10/2023 15:52

Anyone can be happy if you bring the right ingredients into the relationship. I've gone out with a man 16 years older and he broke my heart..he was so mentally unstable. But if he'd Been stable the age wouldn't have become a problem.

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 30/10/2023 15:53

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it, but there is a website called tunisianloverats.com where people discuss their experiences.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 15:55

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 15:42

“It was over 6 months before we met and it wasn't a given that we would like each other in person. But we did.”

@Laura401 ???? But you’d met at a bus stop and had a chat in a cafe in your original post…

Again I explained this. We met by chance, got on, exchanged numbers, went away, got talking on WhatsApp and eventually decided to properly meet up, with intention, knowing that we liked each other but knowing if we would get on properly given we had only had a brief physical meeting. Tbh it want his physical appearance that drew me in initially, it was.the mental connection. So the physical side grew over time.

OP posts:
SawX · 30/10/2023 16:00

Funnily enough it was at a bus stop where a refugee half my age tried to chat me up in Cyprus. They must all share tips.

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 16:03

SawX · 30/10/2023 16:00

Funnily enough it was at a bus stop where a refugee half my age tried to chat me up in Cyprus. They must all share tips.

was it a stunning and unique mental connection and so weirdly lucky you weren't attracted to the uncharismatic 60 year old next in line?

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2023 16:19

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:46

I have been very clear about not wanting marriage I also have said the kids are my priority. He treats me incredibly well - like I said, it seems to work. It is just a situation I NEVER thought I would end up in. But thanks for the positivity.

You don't want to marry.

So what do you think the future could look like?

Movinghouseatlast · 30/10/2023 16:20

I have a friend who has twice been in relationships like this. Both times all her friends told her she was being conned but she had all the reasons you do that she wasn't- great connection, never asked for money, the guy was crazy about her etc etc.

The first one, Moroccan in his 20's turned out - after a year of her going over there regularly- to be married.

The second one proposed to her after a few weeks. Took her to Paris, went down on one knee as she got off the Eurostar. He met all her friends, seemed like a great guy, came over here to visit her. They put an offer in on a house in his country. Turned out he was gay, which was illegal where he was. He just wanted a beard.

Being conned isn't just about money.

category12 · 30/10/2023 16:21

Deirdre, is that you?

Gifflon · 30/10/2023 16:23

I mean, I admit I’ve never been to Morocco - and I’m about the same age as OP… I’m just trying to imagine sitting at a bus stop on a work trip, my eyes meeting with a Moroccan 27 year old, having a crazy connection and popping off for a chat in a cafe for a couple of hours. Sod the bus, sod his train, sod our busy graphic design schedules…
Except this doesn’t count as a ‘meet’ of course. It’s just a mental connection. The proper meet is a physical connection meet?? 6 months later…

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 16:26

The idea of standing at a bus stop in Morocco for any length of time is enough to make anyone need a long sit down in a cafe

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