Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

How long is this going to go on for?

I think having a FWB is great and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you having him as a friend and then having sex with him a few times a year, if that’s what makes you happy.

But this obviously can’t last indefinitely.

So are you happy to do this for say 6 months until he finds a wife?

Will you then say goodbye and be happy you spent that time together or will you be heartbroken.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with FWB but it sounds like you are quite emotionally involved and for that reason I think you’re going to end up hurt.

Was he really your first choice to do the graphic design work?
Does he do it himself or get a Morrocan business to do it? You went out of your way to.put the work his way.

You two met in a cafe, amazing that you were both in the same line of work. Are you sure that meeting was a coincidence.

Do you think if you were a hairdresser he'd be just as interested?

Do a lot of your conversations revolve around your work and your ideas.

OP I was in a long abusive marriage too. I am still digesting some of the things that happened in my marriage, and that was over 5 years ago. I am not saying someone can never go into a relationship after abuse, but some things that you have posted seem to spring out to me. Firstly, you started seeing him really quick after the end of your marriage, other pp's have mentioned this.

But the other thing that stood out to me is that he isn't available 100% of the time to you. He is available for you when you need him. I bet if you don't fancy having a chat, then you just don't have one, and get on with whatever it is you would rather be doing. So, you get the attention you crave from him, but only when you need it. I bet you plenty that even if you met this man and he lived right next door to you, you would not have pursued this quite as much.... as a neighbour would just be too available. This guy is available for your emotional needs, but from a distance, which you are completely in control of.

So, yes there are red flags that stand out to me, but the fact you say you will never marry him or allow him a visa, seems to scream to me that he is a rebound, and you are taking from this what you need. You saw him 4 times in 18 months? Sounds ideal to me to be honest.

Maybe he is just what you need WHILE you process everything else you need to? As long as you are hyper aware that he could very well be a in this for the wrong reasons, you may also just be using him for what you need right now. Which I do get btw.

I fully believe that people processing trauma go for unavailable people. By that I mean married (I am not saying you are, but a lot of people do), long distance, age gaps... just enough distance to not get into a 100% full time relationship. I also do believe the saying that people come into your life for a lesson, and then leave again. It has happened to me and I complete admit that I tend to gravitate towards people who are not completely available to me. My previous 2 (short) relationships post marriage were both with men that work away a lot. It suited me, but when things started to get a bit heavy, then I was no longer so keen.

So, I would not say its doomed as I think you are just taking what you need from it. And I dare say, he say some motive too.

I can understand your older teens not being overly happy about this, but they won't understand the situation for as how I seem to see it as an outsider.

I agree with what you've said - and hence the post. I'm thinking things over. It was oy ever meant to be a fling. I can keep things light, I think more than anything i need to be aware of how he feels and that I'm not taking advantage (unintentionally) of him. I am having counselling as well.

Off topic, but it's true. It's my autistic blank face and the fact I've used factor 50 for decades (can't take the sun for five mins). My hair has always been the same very light colour and is thick, there's some silver hairs but can hardly be seen, look just like the blonde hairs. You can see the skin on my neck is delicate, you can see my teeth are old and crappy. My body is not in great shape but I'm slim. I'm not trying to fake anything or hope to be perceived as younger, I'm just me being me. Also I'm young in spirit (read probably immature) and I dress in casual street wear. I'm not some peter pan, I just like comfy clothes because of my ASD. I don't wear make up (can't bear it), I don't get my hair cut (can't bear it).

People sometimes feel betrayed or irritated with me as they assume I'm so much younger. 30 yr olds befriend me and then it turns out I'm the same age as their mums and it gets awkward, they feel uncomfortable. It causes social problems. People my age don't include me in things as they think I'm much younger than them and older women treat me like I'm that much younger and patronise me. It's an issue! When I went to an over 50s social thing organised in my area I was set about by angry women asking me why I was there saying I'm not in my 50s. Suppose I should laugh about it.

Anyway surgical menopause is coming so there will be dramatic changes afoot. I'm trying to handle it.

No sorry it won’t last.

Be very careful financially ❗️
I bet, as they are so known to do with older women, he’ll be playing the long game.

Come on time to wake up - he’s 28 - he could easily/potentially pull a 20 year old.

Sure

Thank you for your post. You've kind of hit the nail on the head there I think. I do think it's what I need. Probably won't be my future but hopefully will turn out well and after our fun, we both go our separate ways. I'm pragmatic believe it or not. I'm not overly emotional and I'm prepared to see the bigger picture even if it means it is painful. Of course I hope I'm not being played. Time will tell, but if I feel for a moment that I am (and I don't rn) then I will be out of there. Let's hope I'm right about all of this.

I think you should cut him off from your work.

Tell him that you giving him work isn't good for your relationship and you are going to stop doing that.

That you want a relationship based on just the two of you.

Otherwise it's blurred.

Because in some ways currently, you are his employer.

See what he says to that.

“I guess a situation where we can see each other regularly, albeit via travel, and enjoy time together. That is where I am at. Might sound idealistic but I can facilitate this with my work and situation. My biggest though on this is whether my children would accept this and if they didn't then I would walk away. And I don't mean to say months away at a time, I mean regular trips like I have been doing. I have explained before that I work out there and have friends out there and speak the language so I'm quite aware of the way things go. I don't want to get too attached as I can see other issues with that. I haven't had a great time and he doesn't help me feel better - aa do my friends and family. They have urged caution but also know I am sensible (however people might not think so from this thread). Anyway I've said as much as I can and appreciate everyone's responses.I guess a situation where we can see each other regularly, albeit via travel, and enjoy time together. That is where I am at. Might sound idealistic but I can facilitate this with my work and situation. My biggest though on this is whether my children would accept this and if they didn't then I would walk away. And I don't mean to say months away at a time, I mean regular trips like I have been doing. I have explained before that I work out there and have friends out there and speak the language so I'm quite aware of the way things go. I don't want to get too attached as I can see other issues with that. I haven't had a great time and he doesn't help me feel better - aa do my friends and family. They have urged caution but also know I am sensible (however people might not think so from this thread). Anyway I've said as much as I can and appreciate everyone's responses.”

Sounds lovely, OP. Exactly what a financially independent middle-aged woman whose intensive child-rearing years are behind her might well want. You fly in, spend some quality time with your hot young lover and fly out again. You keep all your assets and your independence for yourself. It’s no surprise that this has short-term appeal for this young man also.

But why should that appeal as a long-term arrangement to a 28 yo man who will likely want a wife and children in time?

In reality, you see all the arguments against the relationship as a long-term prospect, which is why you’re questioning whether your relationship has a future. It’s hard to envisage a long-term future that serves the needs of both of you equally - you are at very different life stages and have very different long-term needs.

Same. I'm going for vertical face lift just to look my age

I was meant to do the graphics and he offered to help. He did a great job and yes he did it. We worked live together on the project on camera so it was him doing the work. After this I realised he was very capable and was happy to pass him the odd but of work for which he was paid fairly - I was not out of pocket at all.
I believe our meeting was genuine. It was over 6 months before we met and it wasn't a given that we would like each other in person. But we did. My job is interesting yes, I know I present an exciting and different world for him but I do keep him at arms length and he also knows that there are stresses and complications that come with being with me. He is happy atm as far as I can see. If he isn't he can walk away. I actually do have prospects locally but haven't had the mental stimulation I get with this guy from them.
Conversations range around both our work, families, lives, interests, politics, religion everything.

"I think more than anything i need to be aware of how he feels and that I'm not taking advantage (unintentionally) of him"

No! And No! This very thing you describe above is what will blind you (and could be already) to him taking advantage of you.

Him, him, him, him, his needs, he's so fragile, him, him, him, I'm emotionally stronger than him, him, him, I'm older and wiser, him, his needs, I can help him poor love, him, him, he needs me to rescue him, him, the earth mother, him, his thoughts, his feelings, so precious, he doesn't know real.life I can guide him, I've so much knowledge and love to give, my new son who truly adores me, him, him, him....

Look at mother son dynamic here.
'Abandoned' by your own teens as they move into their own lives. Then another young lad needing to be saved moves in.

Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Think another poster suggested it earlier.

He's hardly a young lad. He's 29 soon. Runs his own business. It is not some weird mother son thing. This began as a friendship, got physical and I'm now thinking about what happens next. I'm only explaining his feelings because I was asked about them and many posters seemed to think I'm exploiting him, paying his low wages,etc. Of course I like him or I wouldn't be doing any of this.

A happy ending would be...

I guess a situation where we can see each other regularly, albeit via travel, and enjoy time together. That is where I am at. Might sound idealistic but I can facilitate this with my work and situation. My biggest though on this is whether my children would accept this and if they didn't then I would walk away. And I don't mean to say months away at a time, I mean regular trips like I have been doing. I have explained before that I work out there and have friends out there and speak the language so I'm quite aware of the way things go. I don't want to get too attached as I can see other issues with that. I haven't had a great time and he doesn't help me feel better - aa do my friends and family. They have urged caution but also know I am sensible (however people might not think so from this thread). Anyway I've said as much as I can and appreciate everyone's responses.

Why would your children not accept you having a boyfriend?
If he comes to the UK you may of course decide to meet at a hotel or away from your home.

I haven't had a great time and he doesn't help me feel better - aa do my friends and family.

Is this a typo?
You've NOT had a great time?

Maybe you need to accept that nothing ever stays the same.
Relationships either move forwards or backwards.

What you have now is not sustainable long term.
One of you will end up wanting more - or less.

It is unlikely you will both want the same thing at the same time.

If you can cope with that emotionally,and carry on for now, fine.

Yes that was a typo. I agree things change and this may well happen in the near future. It is what it is. I am seeing how it goes and like I said if I feel I'm being taken advantage of, I will put a stop to it.

Honestly OP I'm not sure what you want from this thread.

Initially you asked for stories of where a similar romance has worked out. Then you say you're not interested in marriage or commitment, or living together. Then you say your ideal scenario is essentially continuing with the status quo ie a FWB setup where you fly in regularly good conversation and sex but with zero commitment.

That's what you're doing right now. You've already got what you want, it seems. So if you don't want marriage, the ties of a long term relationship, what happy stories were you hoping to hear about from other posters?

It doesn't matter how old the OP looks anyway. It's how attractive she is, and the two are by no means the same. If her boyfriend wanted a woman who looked young, well, at 28, he's going to have plenty of choice in his own age group. He's chosen an older woman, so he's obviously into that.

I wanted to hear experiences that weren't all about being conned because I don't think I am being. Yes I fit the stereotype but nothing points to this being a con specifically. I guess reassurance is nice, and constructive advice. I am not 100% clear about where things are going. Sometimes I wonder how it could pan out. Other days I'm happy with the status quo as you put it. I don't know what I expected from this thread I was simply asking a question.

Well, it sounds as if your ideal situation is essentially an international booty call or FWB (as pp put it) set-up.

I doubt that any (childless!) 20 something will be satisfied with this long term. How will you feel when he decides to end things?
Or tries to keep you as a side piece to his wife?
How will you feel if you find out that you’re currently a side piece already?

I would end it now if you aren’t sure that you’re perfectly okay with that!

it seems as if you’re trying to keep yourself emotionally detached.
But your focus on his feelings, needs, fear of taking advantage of him etc. makes me doubt that you’re actually succeeding in that regard. Seeing as you seem to be centring him in this “relationship” and not yourself.
That does not sound like emotional detachment to me…

I would be very careful in your situation. Especially given your backstory.

if this man is not using you and simply wants to be with you… well, as I said, I would be surprised if he was happy with this (long term). I suspect he will disappointed and hurt when he realises that you do not want more than this.

it is my experience that at least one party (if not both…) tends to get hurt in long term FWB “relationships”.

Brilliant!

My previous 2 (short) relationships post marriage were both with men that work away a lot. It suited me, but when things started to get a bit heavy, then I was no longer so keen.

Story of my life too - I’d much prefer a man who is away on a ship or a rig 12 weeks at a time and not cluttering up my house with dirty socks and dusty boxes of mysterious cables. I’ve been married three times and live a few doors away from the middle ex husband, if we’d had separate residences during our marriage we might still be married now 😃

OP - what would your Morrocan chap say if you suggested you both relocate to a country that wasn’t the UK? Something a little more Morocco-like? Turkey or Tunisia maybe? That way you’d be more equal, setting out together on a grand international adventure, somewhere where neither of you needs the other for a visa, but you can both get one on your own merits via your work?

If he comes up with loads of reasons not to, you might come to realise that your current country is part of your attractiveness?

Perhaps if he came to the U.K. on his own steam, you would quickly realise that his original location was a big part of why you fell for him?

Probably feel quite different if you were picking his discarded socks up from your British floor?

My first husband was* American, so I am saying this with kindness, not judgement!

*still is American, we’re divorced, he’s not dead! He never went back though and is actually now married to a fellow American, albeit from a completely different part of the US.

This thread is astonishing. It’s went from will love conquer all, have we a future, I’ve been back only 3 times for 2 weeks hol at a time , I’m going back and staying with his sister, he doesn’t get any money from me,my kids don’t like it.

to, I go quarterly , I’m only going for a meal to his sisters, I give him work which pays 200 quid a time, a lot there, and its just fwb and my kids think we are friends,

Yes I fit the stereotype but nothing points to this being a con specifically.

Even with no ulterior motive on his part the odds are against you as a couple, given your ages, stages in life, age of your children, and geography.

OP your story keeps changing. First it was you met him on holiday there. Now it's you met him online and after 6 months of chatting, you went to visit him.