Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

I look decrepit for my age.

Don't be daft and yes, you are.

I did this but with a man from Australia. 19 year age difference. I was a young widow and my children were grown.

I did end up marrying him. He worked a basic job doing graphic art and me, high paid it consultant. Then he got laid off and never worked the rest of our marriage.

He started an online affair with someone from Indonesia and she was scamming him!

He has ended up alone and he's now 43, the same age I was when I met him. He's now bald and weird so women aren't throwing themselves at him and he had to find a job again.

He wasn't after my passport (barely could get him up the sofa let alone get his own passport to go somewhere) but turns out he was a massive cocklodger. He actually accused me of being after an Australian passport even though I already have a US and UK one.

In your case, you've spent all of 6 weeks with him. He's still a stranger whether you want to admit it or not.

You truly are not the exception and you're blinded by the fanny gallops.

Yes, he is doing a long con and of course his family are in on it.

You didn't mention how much money you've given him but you know you have.

Who is going to pay for a visit to the UK? You will. Does he have to have a sponsor to get the visitor visa? That will also be you.
Using the documents of you hiring him for jobs.

Another poster gave the link for the freedom program. Do it for yourself and your children.

This was my first thought too. I don't think you can see everything clearly (red flags etc) with that short a time between a terrible relationship and a new one that seems too good to be true.

IMO since the work - and working for free - issue got mentioned then it's legit to ask.

It would be quite something if the work was something huge like 'he built me a house, for free'. Because that would imbue a whole load of other things.

@Laura401 I remembered another relative, then in her fifties, started seeing a man in his thirties. They were together until he died earlier this year. So about 23 years, give or take. He had come from an EU country. Never took money off her, paid towards the mortgage and household costs. They didn’t get married. She had an adult kid from her previous marriage, he had one that may not have been his kid, in his country of origin, a teenager. So that’s another one.

OP, the 2 timeframes involved are worrying IMO.

You sound level headed and happy ATM, and able to analyse various potential pitfalls. Your BF is ticking a lot of boxes, and you are enjoying your relationship.

Two years down the line, you have fallen for him, and can't imagine your future without him. Unfortunately you could then be vulnerable to manipulation. If your BF has been less than truthful about his intentions then and only then could he play you like a fiddle.

I'm only saying this because I know how easily and blindly I have fallen in love in the past. I realise that right now you are rational, but you don't hav a crystal ball, so IMO it's a huge gamble.

Put yourself first, protect against future vulnerability and pain.

Enjoy it for now, but it doesn't sound like it will last long term.

Graphic design work, day rate £200. It was money I was paid and I passed it onto him as he did the work. I'm not a rip off merchant - I freelance and I have integrity. This is the only money he has received from me. The first time he did some graphics and wouldn't accept money but when more work came my way I passed it onto him and he got paid. It is not an ongoing thing just one-offs.

"I'm reading all the posts and responding to those that pose genuine queries or perspectives, the rest of them are not of interest to me."

ie I'm reading the ones that are validating your "special connection" and ignoring anyone else, even those with real, lived experience that you could learn from that doesn't suit your rose-tinted, loved-up view of the world.

Honestly @Laura401 what was the point of posting? Bragging about your toy boy?

'we discussed him getting over here (he needs to meet certain criteria to get a visa and he is working towards that currently) '

He wants to grow his business.

You are giving him work and he can associate himself with your company?

You can introduce him to useful people through your work.

If he does work for you then he can list you as a client of his.

You are a benefactor if you are allowing him to attach himself to your successful business.

Not at all. I have been thinking about my situation and was wondering what I should do moving forwards. I've explained that I'm honestly not sure about what I want. I have found myself in an unusual situation and may well be 'being played'. I'm not bragging. The age thing was a huge issue for me and I struggle with it but I can't deny our friendship which I believe lies at the heart of it. Maybe it will be time to walk away - but like I said, I'm not quite there. This trip will be critical for me. If I can end up with a friend out of this, even if it is nothing more, I would be happy as I think he is an lovely person. I can't be more honest than that.

So people think 53 year old woman looks early thirties? Please, don't be silly. It's almost expected now to fake shock when someone discloses their age, all there is to it.

You're getting a bit off topic @PierceMorgansChin but it is possible to look much younger than someone actually is.

Some women of 39 can look 50.
Some women of 50 can look 39.

So why have you only responded to people who say "go for it OP" and "true love conquers all" and ignored people, including me, who have given you the benefit of their real experience because it's not what you want to hear?

And why would you say their opinions are "of no interest" if you are genuinely considering what to do?

You just want validation. I get that. I did the same. But it's not what you need now. You need friends to point out the pitfalls and do it in plain terms.

@Laura401 You asked can this have a happy ending.

What IS a happy ending if you have ruled out marriage?

What exactly are you wanting to happen, long term?

If it's not marriage, are you hoping to live together for the rest of your lives?

Exactly

You do sound aware, right now, of the pitfalls.

But what is it leading to? You can't have a long term future with this man.

I'm worried that while you might be rational now, as you get more involved you may make less sensible choices, emotionally or financially.

I'd urge you to step away.

Gently, I think he’s probably with you specifically because there isn’t a long term future with you. I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing - a fun, short term relationship is probably exactly what you need after your last one. Just have fun with him and stop when you no longer do.

Laura, this 28 year old has not seen that unique thing you have which makes age irrelevant. You are not special.

I bet if your man met me he migHt also make me feel good and special and say all the things that he has said to you. In my mind - and according to friends and strangers I am youthful and attractive; I have a bit of money, my own home and car and am single. I am also very kind and open - probably much like you. I bet I would also feel that I had made a special connection with him. Except that he couldn’t take me through this process because I have been through a similar relationship in the past and have my guard up. I have told my nearest and dearest that if anything like this ever happens to me again that I am to be sectioned.

Here’s a suggestion: tell him that your friends have doubts and that they have forbidden you from helping him
and that they have said that if the connection is so strong he must find a way to get over here on his own steam.

And I lied - of course you are special. You deserve the best. It isn’t him.

So you are giving him money.

You paying him a UK wage in £. He's hit the jackpot. And official so he can build a path to the UK with that documentation.

Of course he is offering to do it for free he can pass it off to others to do the work for a £ or 2.

Jesus wept.

🤦‍♀️

He's playing the long game.
He's has done work for free, he's slowly getting you in his debt, he'll need a favour, or help at some point in the future. But how can you refuse he's done x x and x for you from the goodness of his heart. You're a fool if you think he's in love with you, you are convenient and gullible.

I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere?

So what does moving forwards mean to you?

Unless one of you relocates, this will remain a weekend/ holiday type fling where you both fly to see each other until one or the other of you is bored or finds something else.

I think you should talk to a professional.

You aren't able to articulate here what it is you want, exactly.

You have also jumped at the first man to offer you an ego boost after coming out of an abusive marriage.

A man who has far more to gain from hooking up with you than you have from him.

Maybe some counselling where you can't avoid hard questions (like you are here) will bring you the answer you're seeking.

@Laura401 If I were in your shoes, given your previous relationship, I would just treat it as a little escapism and nothing more.

I’m not saying this guy is taking you for a ride, I don’t know, but realistically, does this really have legs?

How likely is it that he will want to remain with you long term given the vast age gap?
Priorities change, people change.
He may say he does not want children now, but he may change his mind, his parents may have that expectation and if that were to be the case, would you be willing?

No one can tell you what to do but I think that you have to be realistic and try to think about practicalities, not just the heart fluttering romance… it’s easy to get carried away, but this situation has a lot of potential for heartbreak.

I guess a situation where we can see each other regularly, albeit via travel, and enjoy time together. That is where I am at. Might sound idealistic but I can facilitate this with my work and situation. My biggest though on this is whether my children would accept this and if they didn't then I would walk away. And I don't mean to say months away at a time, I mean regular trips like I have been doing. I have explained before that I work out there and have friends out there and speak the language so I'm quite aware of the way things go. I don't want to get too attached as I can see other issues with that. I haven't had a great time and he doesn't help me feel better - aa do my friends and family. They have urged caution but also know I am sensible (however people might not think so from this thread). Anyway I've said as much as I can and appreciate everyone's responses.

Sorry - typo- he does help me feel better. A lot better.

How many one offs have there been of £200?

What do you think the going rate in Morocco is for a little bit of graphic design work?