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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 11:18

There are many ways of getting out of a box in your 40s:
Travel
Take up a sport
Write a book
Volunteer

All these would be better for you and your children. Tbh, I would never date anyone that my kids did not absolutely adore.

TheSpruce · 30/10/2023 11:23

I really don't get the point of this thread.

You say that there will absolutely be no marriage/visa etc.

But then ask if it's possible for you to have a future together?

Obviously not since you can't have a proper relationship without those things. So if you both just want to meet up every few months for some sex and company crack on. However it does sound like you want people to tell you to jump in with both feet...

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 11:24

Gardeningtime · 30/10/2023 11:13

I feel really sad for you and a lot of pity. You don’t want to hear the very obvious truth. Even though I suspect deep down you know.

you’re not answering on where he will live, are you agreeing to be his sponsor, how many times have you went over and actually met him. I guess those are the bits that evidence what you’re being told by those you don’t wish to respond to and aren’t interested in

some cliches spring to mind, there is no fool like an old fool. Or none so blind as who refuse to see. You’re determined to be conned.

Show quote history

I don't need pity. I'm fine. As already said, he has a business there and has no immediate plans to come to the UK. I'm flying over to see him. I fly bargain Airlines for example my next trip has cost me £56 return. I have other friends I stay with over there so we don't always stay together for.obcioua reasons. We have met up every 3 months over the last year. This time we are visiting his home for a meal. He has asked me to do this and I was very reluctant for all the reasons people have said- obviously i am older but like I said, we will see what happens. I am not above walking away from this. It would be hard as I really do like him, but if that is what I need to do i will. I'm not quite there yet.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 30/10/2023 11:25

Laura401 · 30/10/2023 11:03

Semantics I guess. Doomed sounds overly pessimistic now I think about it. I meant 'got a future' and it is more about me considering different aspects of this. I'm reading all the posts and responding to those that pose genuine queries or perspectives, the rest of them are not of interest to me.

Show quote history

Because they aren't telling you what you want to hear. You're cherry-picking the handful of 'go for it hun, you only live once' answers and conveniently ignoring all the others that say 'this has romance scam written all over it'. All of which shows your naivety, something you are at pains to refute, but you sound naive in the extreme. A 'romantic' who dreams that in the end, true loves conquers all and that little trifles like nationality, religion, distance, age and culture are unimportant in the face of true love, like you have with this Turkish waiter, oh wait, sorry Moroccan IT consultant.

Almostwelsh · 30/10/2023 11:27

All those people saying that because she's said she won't marry him it proves that at heart she doesn't trust him. In your 40s with a house and children, most women wouldn't trust any man enough to marry him, even if he was British. You shouldn't trust people absolutely.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 30/10/2023 11:28

As a PP asked, what are his bad points?

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 11:30

Gardeningtime · 30/10/2023 10:15

I look a lot younger than my age and I'm in good shape

honestly op, I despair. You don’t look in your twenties, you’re nearly 50. Is there no part of you cringing at rhe thought of staying with his family, at your age, with someone young enough to be your child ? Knowing deep down what this is?

Yup. Every woman in their 40ties I know ( and I'm one of them, I'm 41) thinks they look a lot younger than their age. It's a common compliment but a lot of people believe it and some make it their entire personality.

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 11:31

You're cherry-picking the handful of 'go for it hun, you only live once' answers and conveniently ignoring all the others that say 'this has romance scam written all over it'

No, she isn’t. Look again at her posts.

Farmageddon · 30/10/2023 11:31

Laura401 · 30/10/2023 11:11

Thank you for sharing. I am listening to these pieces of advice. I'm not getting married or helping him get a visa. In all honesty I don't know what I want and he may get sick of waiting for me to make up my mind. I'm enjoying it for what it is though however long it lasts. Which might not be long, but again, I am actually ok with that. I probably sound like I don't care but I do. And maybe like one PP said I'm like an addict (!?) and just want validation. The fact that I'm posting here and asking for perspectives should tell you that I'm thinking about the situation - but not because I think I'm being scammed necessarily, though maybe you are all.right, but surely it is only a scam of I get married, give him money, visa etc. None of these things have happened or will happen. He knows this. If it is the long con, as so many say, then I will extricate myself from the situation with diplomacy.

You're right that if you ensure that you don't give him money or marry then you can avoid being scammed - but I do fear you will still be hurt emotionally that you were used by him.
That's why I would caution you to keep your distance emotionally, don't invest in thinking of a future with him, just see it as a bit of fun, stop with the long emotional discussions about children etc. just keep it light and fun.

Tell him that's all you can offer him, and if he's happy with that too then you can actually both get what you want. If that's not what he wants then you will know he has ulterior motives.

PinkRoses1245 · 30/10/2023 11:33

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:35

Well yes, indirectly. He did work for free for me so I dIdn't have to pay someone else for it.

Sounds like you are exploiting him, in this scenario!

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 11:35

Theokaycokey · 30/10/2023 10:20

Well sadly it didn't work out for poor Iris from Weston Super mare. The bastard even stole her dinner! Perhaps you could learn from her cautionary tale.

At least in a few months you might earn £250 from selling your story to Take a Break magazine.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12478465/British-pensioner-83-shot-fame-marrying-37-year-old-Egyptian-toyboy-slams-selfish-money-grabber-three-years-marrying-him.html

Not the dinner! 🤣😪

WonderingWanda · 30/10/2023 11:36

Op I'm not going to go over the obvious issues. It sounds from your recent update that you see this being a long term, long distance relationship. That might work for you because you've been there done that with marriage and children. However, a relationship with a younger man might have huge potential to break your heart. What happens when he gets 5 years down the line and decides he wants kids. How will he feel when you go through menopause and he realises he will never have children with you? What are his thoughts about your future together? Does he see you moving to Morocco or is he happy long distance? Does he want children of his own? Does he want marriage?

Roselilly36 · 30/10/2023 11:39

OP, run a mile.

I someone who married a Turkish man when she was very very young, didn’t last 5mins, she came home.

Someone else I knew, no longer associate with, often visited Tunisia, she was married and had, affair after affair with various hotel waiters, they were all after money, expensive gifts etc. when she came home there were other women on the next plane. She seemed to think it was some kind of magic land where she was two decades younger and some sort of celebrity out there, she just looked a fool tbh.

Not saying you are like this OP, often these men are very manipulative and coercive. I wouldn’t invest your heart and soul into a relationship that will most likely leave you heartbroken.

Good luck and very best wishes for the future.

littleburn · 30/10/2023 11:42

You're right that if you ensure that you don't give him money or marry then you can avoid being scammed - but I do fear you will still be hurt emotionally that you were used by him.
That's why I would caution you to keep your distance emotionally, don't invest in thinking of a future with him, just see it as a bit of fun, stop with the long emotional discussions about children etc. just keep it light and fun.

Tell him that's all you can offer him, and if he's happy with that too then you can actually both get what you want. If that's not what he wants then you will know he has ulterior motives.*

Agree with @Farmageddon here. Even if he is genuine, even if the chemistry is crazy, relationships need to progress. Without you moving there or him moving to the U.K. that progression can't happen. So keep it light and protect your heart. He's you're friend in Morocco that you have a lovely time with, but that's all.

MsRosley · 30/10/2023 11:43

Well, OP, at least you can't say you weren't warned. Good luck.

Tighginn · 30/10/2023 11:49

North African men and this situation, tale as old as time...

5128gap · 30/10/2023 11:56

Personally, I think given time you may tire of him. After an abusive relationship, a young man who likely hangs on your every word is a breath of fresh air, and probably feels quite safe. You are the one with the cards here, the wisdom, the experience, your life all together, so he isn't threatening in any way.
Its quite possible that in time though the age and cultural difference may become an issue and leave you desperate for some common reference points and life experiences and a greater sense of equal partnership than you may get here.
Until then, there is no reason not to enjoy it. But do manage his expectations. The last thing you want is him developing an obsession if you decide to end it, which is a lot more common than you would think with the younger men situations.

Doomscrolling · 30/10/2023 11:57

None so blind as those who will not see.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 11:58

5128gap · 30/10/2023 11:56

Personally, I think given time you may tire of him. After an abusive relationship, a young man who likely hangs on your every word is a breath of fresh air, and probably feels quite safe. You are the one with the cards here, the wisdom, the experience, your life all together, so he isn't threatening in any way.
Its quite possible that in time though the age and cultural difference may become an issue and leave you desperate for some common reference points and life experiences and a greater sense of equal partnership than you may get here.
Until then, there is no reason not to enjoy it. But do manage his expectations. The last thing you want is him developing an obsession if you decide to end it, which is a lot more common than you would think with the younger men situations.

Good point. Something I have tried to do re: expectations but will emphasise again.

OP posts:
jupitermonket · 30/10/2023 12:03

NotSuchASmugMarried · 29/10/2023 22:48

OK. But what work did he do for you?

Show quote history

That’s not really any of your business, is it? And nothing at all to do with what the OP is asking.

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 30/10/2023 12:10

Everyone has different ways of explaining this. I'll try another one.

You escaped an abusive relationship. That stomps your self esteem into the ground.

You met an amazing man who made you feel good about yourself.
BUT, please don't fall into the trap of basing your self esteem on that.
You feel better about you, but you are definitely ignoring red flags.
If your gut feelings were entirely positive, you wouldn't be posting on Mumsnet.

Think about how you are treating yourself here.
Are you worth more than all of this travel, for short meetings? Why isn't he traveling to you?
On visiting him, you told him that you won't be facilitating him coming over. You haven't, and he hasn't been over.
You have discussed a romanticized scenario, with you living there occasionally, working remotely. You admitted it being morally impossible because of your family.
Why were you willing to discuss other things that would suit just him.
Have you discussed any scenarios to suit you instead? Are you just wondering how to run around, keeping everyone else happy instead?
You said 'I explained my thoughts and feelings, we talked about WHAT HE WANTS'.

How did you heal, between relationships?
What did you do for yourself in that time, to centre yourself in your life story?

Finding a realistic and suitable relationship is impossible if you don't know who you are, and what makes you happy.
Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're fucking amazing; without your sense of amazingness being contingent upon his attraction to you?

Be amazing because you fucking are.
When you know that you are, you'll be attracted to people who compliment the best version of you.
Don't twist yourself trying to fulfill someone else's requirements.

If you need further explanations: Mel Robbins is bloody amazing on YouTube.

JFT · 30/10/2023 12:10

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 10:51

‘third world country’ is an outdated and to my mind offensive term. ‘Least developed country’ is a better term, and Morocco isn’t a least developed country, according to the WHO.

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Off topic but I'm glad you raised this issue @1975wasthebest as it's something I've been pondering lately.

What is the most current and correct terminology for describing the countries that are perceived to be 'less developed'?

In the old days they used to say 'third world' which is frankly outrageous IMO, then it was 'developing countries' which sounds more like 'currently undergoing capitalist exploitation' to me. I'm out of date but what does one call a country perceived to be at disadvantage in terms of resources or capitalist economy (personally I would argue all of that but you know what I mean).

Also what is the right term for the people who are trying to come to other countries in the hope of work and fortune (as opposed to literal refugees or economic migrants by the legal definition)? My friend was using a phrase something like 'hope seekers' but I can't remember.

I like to use the best and least offensive phrases as I live in a vast multicultural city were nearly everyone in my area is from 'somewhere else' and I would never want to accidentally hurt their feelings by using colonial or capitalist or racist phrases we just mindlessly sublimate into our consciousness.

OopsaDazy · 30/10/2023 12:10

I think the age gap is too big because he may well want children in time.

Men of 28 don't tend to be very paternal, with some exceptions.

But in 5 or 10 years he may feel differently and then you will be 55.

I do actually know a couple with a 25 year age gap (older woman) and they appear settled and happy (and married, in the UK.)

However, it is rare that these things work out especially with a strong cultural difference.

I think (just my opinion) that age gaps can work if people are at the same stage of life so maybe a man of 45 who meets a 60 year old woman, and both either have a family already or never wanted one....

I don't know what you want really from your thread.
You either carry on and see him as a FWB or you end it.

OopsaDazy · 30/10/2023 12:14

I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending?

You need to define happy ending.

What , for you, does a HE mean?

JFT · 30/10/2023 12:16

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 11:30

Yup. Every woman in their 40ties I know ( and I'm one of them, I'm 41) thinks they look a lot younger than their age. It's a common compliment but a lot of people believe it and some make it their entire personality.

Show quote history

Hey I'm 53 and people nearly die of shock when they find that out as genuinely I look 20 years younger -but- guess what... I'll be going into surgical menopause any week now due to massive surgery.

No matter how chipper and youthful anyone looks in their 40s, the menopause and growing old is finally going to age us all. Thus far, nobody has defied the ageing process, from Madonna to Kate Moss to Grace Jones (who is the best of all IMO). Best we can do is keep healthy and happy as possible but nobody gets away with this one.