Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

Right now, I suspect you are getting way more out of this than he is, as he’s having to lie and charm offence a much older woman and get his family to do the same so he can come here and it will benefit all of them, as he will send money back. I guess he’s getting sex.

ultimately though he’s hoping to get much more out of this. You’re avoiding many of the questions, like where will he live if he comes here. How often have you actually seen him? Is it 4 trips only? I saw someone mention this.

@Laura401
Enjoy this situation for what it is. You say that you aren't looking for marriage and that is reasonable. What is the likelihood hood that a personable and successful 27 year old male in Morocco is not already married?

I don't understand the impetus to this " time to meet the family." In a remote relationship with no long-term plans, what exactly is driving that? Your children seem to range from indifferent to mildly disapproving. His family probably has no need whatsoever to meet you. If placed in a situation where they are compelled to meet you, they will no doubt be polite and fully aligned with his intentions whatever they may be.

The only person likely to be hurt by this situation ending will probably be you, because you are probably the only one with any real emotional investment in this situation.

In the interim , enjoy it while it last. You are 2 consenting adults, and regardless of your individual feelings and intentions, you are not really hurting anyone.

Can't wait til the "I've been conned of all my cash" and "he left me once he was in the UK" threads that will follow in the coming weeks.

He is much younger and is from a 3rd world country. Sorry OP but screams scam to me.

OP, why are you asking us if your relationship is "doomed" and then taking offence at everyone who says, all things considered, yes it probably is?

‘third world country’ is an outdated and to my mind offensive term. ‘Least developed country’ is a better term, and Morocco isn’t a least developed country, according to the WHO.

You are deluded and yes the relationship is doomed.

Not offensive to me, so I'll continue to use it thanks.

I hate to say it but relationships with such a big age gap rarely work out. They may do for a few years but when one of you starts to show signs of aging, they tend to break apart.

I sometimes imagine if a younger guy was really interested in me. I like to think I'd just brush him off saying, 'your parents would hate me.' His parents are nearer to being your peers age wise and in their stage of life.

His family will be wanting him to have someone his own age so he can have a family etc.

“ I look a lot younger than my age”

But the fact remains that you are about the same age as his mum and his aunties.

I am aware of this. I have expressed this too. He seems fine, we will see what they think. This trip may well be the litmus test

OP Moroccans can’t easily get visas to the uk unless they are much needed professionals eg Hospital consultants. The money you earn in pounds sterling will dwarf what he earns in diarhams. He may earn enough to have a good quality of life in Morocco but it will be nowhere near equivalent to what you earn. Check the exchange rate if you still can’t accept what everyone is telling you. Have you been asked or already provided the following:

1. do you have your own home
2. do you have a job
3. what nationality you are

These are the initial questions scammers ask to check you are a valid mark. Next is you meeting his family and friends followed by him needing somewhere to stay if he visits you in the UK. He won’t want to and can’t afford to stay in a hotel so your staying with his family is already a plan in motion as justification for him coming to live with you and your children in the UK. From reading your posts I know you wont accept this is the case.

Semantics I guess. Doomed sounds overly pessimistic now I think about it. I meant 'got a future' and it is more about me considering different aspects of this. I'm reading all the posts and responding to those that pose genuine queries or perspectives, the rest of them are not of interest to me.

I've just had to log into my old account to share this with you. I'm usually a silent reader.

Please listen to all the advice that is being given to you on here, all of it is so true.

I married a moroccan guy, only 7 year age gap. When I ran out of money and couldn't do his visa he wanted a divorce. Do this, tell him to have no more work coming and you've used up all your savings for whatever, you'll be surprised by what you see.

Their family is all in it. Times are hard for them and they will do anything to better their own situation.

My ex husband also said he didn't need a visa at the beginning and he just wanted to get married so it's halal. Later on it was a total different story, all I kept hearing is visa visa visa!

Please take care of yourself and your kids. You can do so much better and deserve better.

I don't want you or anyone to suffer and regret it like I did!

You would be amazed at how much effort and time these men put into cultivating the perfect relationship, they are in it for the long haul and I've know some who have spent 4/5 years being the perfect partner only to turn on a dime once they got what they wanted ! It's v hard to believe someone could play a part that long but it happens op

I'm reading all the posts and responding to those that pose genuine queries or perspectives, the rest of them are not of interest to me.

'Lalalalalalalaaaaa I'm not listening, we have a special connection that you normies wouldn't understand and I'm striking blows for 40-something women's sexual freedoms whilst I'm at it, ok?'

Best of luck, OP. I'm out.

I would like to know this too.

What does "making it work" mean?

You've said you've had several emotionally charged conversations with him where he's said he only wants kids if it's with you. And you don't want kids.

So assuming it's genuine and this guy is head over heels, I think you're being unfair. That's nothing about you being a woman over 40.

And look I agree with all PP saying it's a scam - but in your mind it's not - so perhaps reflect on how fair your behaviour is with such a difference in age, income, life circumstances etc.

@1975wasthebest Have you ever been to Morocco and/or lived there? If you had done you would know it is a third world country with the belief that a “good” salary being about £30 a week. Morocco is a third world country which is why so many men leave and marry foreigners and then bring their family over.

OP do you seriously think a 28 year old would be happy having sex a handful of times a year, never getting married or never having kids?

This must have run through your head a few times, like it would with anyone in a relationship with an age gap.

@Laura401 "The qualities I believe he has, what we both bring to our relationship, how he makes me feel, how safe I have actually felt with him. You can't fake these things, I don't believe."

You don't know this guy at all, only who he WANTS you to know. This is true of ALL long distance relationships, but in your case there is more case for concern.

You will never understand him, because you can't understand his culture, you seem to have come here to ask if it's doomed - which it seriously IS - but don't like the responses

There are nations better than others in terms of scamming, and this guy comes from one of them. Often they will have many women they keep stringing along in case they can get money etc from them. I spent a while in Morocco a few years ago with speakers of their language and I was appalled at some of the depravity and shitty behaviour I saw. for them it was normal.

I lived for a long time in the ME. Obviously countries vary, but similarities in all are striking:

Women over 30 - even never married - are pretty much written off as too old, any woman with previous relationships with/without kids? Not unless something was in it for them, their family and their potential future family.

Why would they bother with a women the age of their mother when they can get a young woman"fresh out of the box"

Accept this for what it is, its a means to an end for him. If you allow yourself to believe he has real feelings for you, or that you need to 'invest' in his future, you are onto a hiding for nothing. If you accept this is just a shag, because you seemingly can't get one closer to home, then crack on.

Thank you for sharing. I am listening to these pieces of advice. I'm not getting married or helping him get a visa. In all honesty I don't know what I want and he may get sick of waiting for me to make up my mind. I'm enjoying it for what it is though however long it lasts. Which might not be long, but again, I am actually ok with that. I probably sound like I don't care but I do. And maybe like one PP said I'm like an addict (!?) and just want validation. The fact that I'm posting here and asking for perspectives should tell you that I'm thinking about the situation - but not because I think I'm being scammed necessarily, though maybe you are all.right, but surely it is only a scam of I get married, give him money, visa etc. None of these things have happened or will happen. He knows this. If it is the long con, as so many say, then I will extricate myself from the situation with diplomacy.

I feel really sad for you and a lot of pity. You don’t want to hear the very obvious truth. Even though I suspect deep down you know.

you’re not answering on where he will live, are you agreeing to be his sponsor, how many times have you went over and actually met him. I guess those are the bits that evidence what you’re being told by those you don’t wish to respond to and aren’t interested in

some cliches spring to mind, there is no fool like an old fool. Or none so blind as who refuse to see. You’re determined to be conned.

What future do you want? I can't see many 28 year olds of any sex or nationality being happy to wait around forever with a significantly older partner in another country, never marrying, cohabiting or having kids. If this really is just a bit of fun for as long as it lasts, why are you worried about a future?

It isn't anything to do with keeping a woman in her 40s in her "box" - most of us are your age or older! I think people would be delighted for you to have a fulfilling and happy relationship. But this one has literally everything against it, which you do realise because you're questioning it with us and are adamant you won't move the relationship forward in any significant way - because you know it would be very foolish.