Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

Said everyone who ever got in a really awful situation 'I was just going with the flow...' Only dead fish go with the flow.

I work with helping people who've got themselves to the end of the line in their life situations = addicts. Here's a thing with people prone to compulsive or addictive behaviour - they pathalogically through no fault of their own cannot comprehend action and consequence. Cause and effect. Their role and part in situations that apparently 'just happened' or 'that's how it just went' or 'they went along with'.

Now I'm not saying you're so lost -but- yes, healthy happy functional people do think about how things will go if they put in the right checks and balances. In these types of situations where there is significant risk then yes you do have to consider the what ifs and the long term. If there was no risks attached to the relationship you wouldn't have to.

As we know in the UK there are fortune seekers from all around the world who perceive there's just a giant pot of gold. What you do to prevent yourself from being exploited or abused is put in barriers and boundaries to ensure that can't happen. No marriage, no sponsorship, no 'employing him' (unless it's totally legit and even then you could be involved in a visa application), no loaning him money for a family crisis, no letting him use your address (how would you even know?). Well that's all kind of a ruthless way to be in a relationship isn't it?

I look a lot younger than my age and I'm in good shape

honestly op, I despair. You don’t look in your twenties, you’re nearly 50. Is there no part of you cringing at rhe thought of staying with his family, at your age, with someone young enough to be your child ? Knowing deep down what this is?

Tbh this is exactly what all the other women who get scammed say.

Obviously I’m not saying he’s definitely scamming you but many of these women can’t believe that people fake these things, but they obviously do.

Imagine if the guy is genuine. He's 28, got his own business and has somehow fallen head over heels for OP despite the enormous age gap and distance.

OP is (comparatively) rich, privileged, and (children notwithstanding) can travel whenever she likes to visit him and enjoy his great company and presumably have a lot of sex. OP has said very clearly that she essentially sees no future with him - she won't marry him, doesn't want kids with him, and there's no plan or intention to combine their lives - but she's happy to keep a 28 year old in a sort of semi-relationship for her own gratification.

Imagine - if this was a nearly 50 something man and a 28 year old woman from a poorer country. The replies on here would be raging.

And if it was genuine and the guy was posting on here for advice, he'd be getting replies asking him why he was accepting crumbs from the OP and it was clear there was no future.

So OP, while I expect it's a scam, if it isn't and this guy is totally in love with you I think you're being totally unfair and selfish in how you're treating him as your long distance plaything, and for his sake you should cut it off and let him find someone his own age who actually offers him a decent chance of a happy future.

I notice you are thanking the posters who are validating you, seeing them as "balanced" and ignoring the ones that aren't.

OP I have been in a very similar situation to you. I felt the same as you do. I can still remember that feeling, it's heady, addictive, intoxicating. But it's not real.

Well sadly it didn't work out for poor Iris from Weston Super mare. The bastard even stole her dinner! Perhaps you could learn from her cautionary tale.

At least in a few months you might earn £250 from selling your story to Take a Break magazine.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12478465/British-pensioner-83-shot-fame-marrying-37-year-old-Egyptian-toyboy-slams-selfish-money-grabber-three-years-marrying-him.html

Also op, he is Muslim. His family is I assume Muslim, why do you think they are letting you stay, knowing there is sex between you. Something they wouldn’t ever permit to happen in a real relationship?the woman would not stay or share a bed with a Muslim man prior to marriage . They are doing it because they know he’s trying to get to the uk. That you’re just a mark to him.

please end this, for your sake.

My slight take on this different scenario. The cousin of a friend of mine met a man about 12 years younger when she was in her 40s. She does look good for her age. He’s English. It didn’t work out, not saying why as outing but they had a good time and he had his own career. But people still thought he might have ulterior motives. She was widowed. But it’s not like there was a visa or cultural differences.

A friend of mine has for ages preferred men from North Africa who inevitably do the dirty on her, she’s white and same age as them.

I disagree, OP. It is absolutely possible to fake those things, or embellish them - especially if you don't spend everyday with somebody and don't actually live together.

What are his faults, OP? Does he have any that you can tell?

It’s called a British Passport. Worth playing a long game for.

There is no “typical” they’re all different. Some guys are nicer than others. But they are all after one thing - the right to live and work in the U.K.

I know of someone who did a similar thing - married a much younger man from a North African country. He came to live in UK with her and her DC. It ended badly - they divorced, and she lost a large chunk of money she had invested with him in property in his country.

Another person I know is married to a man from another North African country - has been for many, many years and they are the same age etc. However he rarely works, she has to support them both and is controlled by him.

So just beware.

Everyone has an angle.

He sounds lovely , just enjoy it. Nothing is ever guaranteed in life so if your happy now, enjoy it now. Why can't you make longer term plans together ? Does he not want to move to the uk ?

Heaven forbid a women in her 40s dares to get out of her box! No one is being taken advantage of here. We are both adults. We are both aware of the situation. He gets as much out of this as I do. Maybe it is destined to be a FWB scenario, and that will fizzle.out. So be it. I was asking for positive stories about people who had made things work. And there are some. Who knows, maybe mine will be too. But no one is doing anything they don't want to. He's a grown man! Not a 18 yo.

Absolutely.

😂😂

"He gets as much out of this as I do"

just perhaps not in the ways you are thinking

Indeed. If the OP thinks this guy wouldn't put all this effort in for nothing then that is being naive - young men risk their lives everyday on boats to get to the UK.

There are many women who are now 'counter-exploiting' the fact that young fit working age men from all over the world desire to come to the UK. That's a fact.

I agree that the OP needs to consider she is in the position of power and privilege here and to 'know' that the young man involved would ideally desire to get married and have a UK residency (or passport? don't know how it works) but is going to withhold it, is toying with that power balance.

The only way it wouldn't be is if HE said 'I don't ever want to marry you either' and 'it's OK I have no intention of coming to live in the UK' -or- 'I'm trying to make it to the UK on my own endeavours none of which involve anything to do with you but it'd be nice to date and hang out when I get there'.

You’re way overthinking this Absolutelymassesofcourgettes. Don’t know if there’s envy going on for you?

I have a few friends that were caught on the same situation, both say they have/had a “special connection” with them.

Friend one: I do think he was looking for company (alone in new place) but also needed someone to mother him. My friend was perfect for this, they fell in love and were happy until his family found out and put a stop to it. You can take a man from Morocco but you cannot take Morocco out of it. He went, at the end, by what his own culture dictated even if both ended up heartbroken.

Friend 2: all ok, they had known each other for a while as members of the same friends group. When he announced to his family they were together, his family rejected her completely. She was his age, was divorced and had children. She simply didn’t fit the expectations for a virginal bride of his culture, they loved her a friend but absolutely rejected her as a girlfriend. He stayed for a while but made clear there were not going to be a wedding or a living together situation, she didn’t like for the future to be defined so strictly as a “no” even if she had no plans whatsoever to marry him yet. So she ended it.

Friend 3: The guy is taking advantage of her, she was alone in his country, he saw that and offered her company, he treats her as a princess, is very affectionate, etc. As many men in his culture, he has no qualms in helping a damsel in distress, he is not expecting marriage or a green card but what he gets from her is something he cannot get easily from women in his culture: sex without strings.

I am not Moroccan but come from a culture where women’s virginity/honour is highly valued and therefore were men have to be very skilled at convincing you they are trustworthy before getting more involved. Women on the other hand, are very skilled at dealing with so much charm without falling for it.
I often see how tourists from more liberal countries are hopeless when it comes to deal with the charm offensive that comes from one who knows his chances of ending in bed with someone are practically nil. To explain my point, you come from a country where men take their time to say I love you, it comes from the heart and you may sleep with them for months before they get ready to say it. So you would believe it.

In his country, they will shower you with compliments and promises of eternal love but, you won’t really take them at their word until they introduce you to their mum or sisters or put a ring on your finger.

My point is, he is being himself and you are being yourself but the meaning/weight of “I love you” may be completely different.

Good point above, people are paying tens of thousands of pounds to sit in a tiny inflatable dinghy on the high seas for days on end, risking life and limb, often dying in the sea, just in the (vain) hope to make it across to the UK. This is serious business.

Why are your kids “…and are ok, not over the moon, but ok,” about him if you’ve only said he’s a friend? I wouldn’t even register an opinion about my parents friends now nevermind when I was a teenager. This is backtracking. Why post if not honest?

Exactly this. No matter how good you look, you won't look like a woman in her 20s. Everyone who see's you together will be thinking the same thing, even if they're polite enough to keep it to themselves. Protesting "but he's not like that" doesn't help, as you've seen from this thread.

If you want a fun casual relationship then crack on. But accept it's not leading to anything and make that clear to him.