Sexless marriage. Tell me your story

[Maldad]

So im not looking for advice or judgement and just looking to hear from your side what you done about a sexless marraige.

I know this goes both ways as i see lots of posts about women who have kids who still want sex and men who say the same.

Just to give you a brief background of my situation. Married 10+ years, kids blah blah. Before you say im pestering for sex im not. I do more than 50% share of everything i.e i do 100% cooking, half kids stuff, birthdays etc and its not for sex, its just who i am. I dont like a dirty house, i like seeing my family happy, im sucessfull, in great shape, do loads with the kids plus loads of other stuff.

Sex has been poor (even prior to kids) and is an average of 1 to 2 times a year. Its built up, ive talked about, done everything i could to improve the situation but my partner just doesnt have a sex drive or just doesnt find me attractive anymore but always avoids talking about it and when she does she makes up reasons why she doesnt initiate etc. I know shes not cheating and is an amazing mum.

I know my options so no need to advise but always interested in other peoples storys.

Hit me with them, from both men and women.

My DH needed antidepressants, tenses gave him ED, he did nothing about it. Resentment and frustration means I’m going to divorce him soon.

@DustyLee123 sorry to hear this. Think my wifes lack of drive comes from the pill but she doesnt want to address it so im on the same place as you. It sucks but we only have one life

I agree, we only have one life.

On the same boat here. Husband rarely wants sex. Suffers from anxiety and has lots of stress.
I have a high sex drive and suffer. I don’t think I will last long though. Need intimacy

My experience is a vicious cycle... wife has hormone imbalances so sex drive is low. I suggest it and get a no most of the time. As a result, psychologically, my body now expects it to not to lead to anything, and so don't even get an erection. When she does want it, it doesn't work, which probably means it's not as good, and as a result she no doubt wants it less. This then puts pressure on me to perform which means my mind is on performance rather than enjoyment and that makes it worse. She also feels like she doesn't do it for me anymore, and is now becoming self conscious that I don't find her sexy.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Are you intimate in other ways sexually rather than full sex. Or does sexual intimacy only happen as rarely as you have stated.

It sound a horrible,lonely place to be. I feel loved and cherished knowing my DH fancies me still after 30 years.

It wouldn't be acceptable to me a sexless marriage and I think you need to have a frank discussion with her. Maybe you need or she needs psychosexual counselling.

Good luck it sounds a really hard situation and I think you dese be more and better from a life partner x

Anecdotally, this seems really common. I read a thing once that said women have the same instincts as men, towards novelty, to procreate with a variety of people, but society clamped down on that pretty fucking hard. So the myth sprung up we were these selfless, faithful drones. Nope.

From my POV, while I love my husband and wouldn’t cheat on him, (I don’t want to destroy my family’s love and respect for me, and people always do get caught) the thought of doing it with him is akin to shagging my brother. Makes my skin crawl. Changed almost as soon as we had our first child. He’s like a member of my family now, we don’t touch one another. No doubt it’s my issue. He says he’s content with that. Sometimes I wish things were different and he would say nah fuck this, tbh. Not that I want to split up, am afraid of the heartbreak and chaos, but it feels like I’m somehow robbing him of a full relationship. Maybe it’d be different if we called it together.

I’ve ultimately lost interest in every boyfriend I’ve ever had, usually took a few years max. With him it was almost like a switch was flipped. His smell, everything. It can’t be easy for him.

Ever asked your wife if it’s sex with you she’s not interested in or sex generally?

Ps she might be an amazing mum but not a good partner if she won't discuss it. Don't let her shut you down or refuse to discuss it. Intimacy is crucial with your partner otherwise you are just housemates x

I rarely have sex with my husband. It’s because he’s a dick and he isn’t nice enough for me to want any physical contact with him. I don’t fancy him but it’s not looks related, it’s purely because he’s a dick. Mind you, if you asked him he’d say he helps around the house and looks after the kids etc - which he does. But that doesn’t mean he’s not a dick.

This is my situation exactly.

Hormonal contraception can kill sex drive - that is one of the ways that it works!!

This is me and has been me for years. Her sex drive is non existent where as mine is through the roof. Tried talking about it but I feel as I come across as a sex pest or it’s my problem not hers. It’s a horrible situation to be in as for the ones that need ‘it’. Not into the cheating game but I am coming to the end of repressing myself and maybe it’s time to go my own way.

My DH and I rarely have sex. We met in our early 40s and then when I hit menopause I lost my libido. It hasn’t had a negative impact on our relationship or our love and affection for each other.

DW libido has disappeared due to menopause, so we are both celibate now, I’ve tried taking to her about it but just get shut down, no sex last year or this year so far., probably an average of once a year for the last decade of so

sometimes on this forum I read about women who’s sex drive has gone through the roof due to menopause and think that’s probably just as much as issue

Have you discussed with her whether she would accept an open marriage? It is a torchure for the one wanting sex and not getting it.

Would she mind If you slept with someone else?

Sounds familiar but it’s good to know I am not alone. I love her and all that she has done for our family but this is not just about the sex. Like you said the intimacy is lacking and I don’t know how long I can do this for. How are you coping?

It wouldn’t bother me if my husband slept with someone else. I mainly need him to keep a roof over the kids heads and pay for music and sports lessons, toys and computers etc. One child is autistic and wouldn’t cope well in childcare if I had to take a full time job. In fact I’d be glad if he slept with someone else because then he’d leave me alone. I fully intend to leave when the youngest is 18.

I Would mind let alone. If I am to sleep with someone else then I have to leave her completely. Just wish the sex drive and intimacy was there.

I get you. Things are so complex it’s not as easy we think. Our lives are entrenched and weighing up family life over a quick bump does not equate.

My friend has this problem with her husband but doesn’t want to divorce. She’s joined a site where married people seek to have affairs with other marrieds. Not perfect but a compromise.

I already know the answer to that ! , one of DW’s colleagues is going through the high sex drive menopause and is currently having an affair! DW is not impressed by that as I know our relationship would be over if i cheated

@Fs365 but that’s the thing. You don’t cheat. They know you sleep with someone else. It’s not cheating.

Same here. I'm 50, DH 53, he seems to have no sex drive basically. Been together 10 years, we live with my 2 DS from previous relationship.
We've talked 100 times and he says he does want it, that I am attractive...etc.
But he doesn't initiate. Turns me down.
When we have sex it's good and brings us closer.
In the decade we've probably averaged sex 10 times a year.
I would so love sex with my husband twice a week or something.
I can't imagine the whole rest of my life like this. Rejected and sad. He wouldn't tolerate an open relationship and I won't cheat.
I think we'll split. It's sad.

I was in a sexless relationship in my thirties, I tried to work it out but couldn't. After about two years I couldn't imagine having sex with him ever again.

I left him and I'm now with the most wonderful man having the best sex of my life.