Sexless marriage. Tell me your story

[Maldad]

So im not looking for advice or judgement and just looking to hear from your side what you done about a sexless marraige.

I know this goes both ways as i see lots of posts about women who have kids who still want sex and men who say the same.

Just to give you a brief background of my situation. Married 10+ years, kids blah blah. Before you say im pestering for sex im not. I do more than 50% share of everything i.e i do 100% cooking, half kids stuff, birthdays etc and its not for sex, its just who i am. I dont like a dirty house, i like seeing my family happy, im sucessfull, in great shape, do loads with the kids plus loads of other stuff.

Sex has been poor (even prior to kids) and is an average of 1 to 2 times a year. Its built up, ive talked about, done everything i could to improve the situation but my partner just doesnt have a sex drive or just doesnt find me attractive anymore but always avoids talking about it and when she does she makes up reasons why she doesnt initiate etc. I know shes not cheating and is an amazing mum.

I know my options so no need to advise but always interested in other peoples storys.

Hit me with them, from both men and women.

I totally relate to everything said in this comment

H and I have never been very compatible sex wise. There's 10 years between us, him being older. He told me very early on in our relationship (met 1990, married in 95) he had a low sex drive and back then, it didn't seem like a problem, as at that point we were actually ok. The years went on; I had a couple of miscarriages and consequently, no kids, sex became more and more infrequent, but then 14 years ago, became non existent. (Again, if you ask him he'd say a couple of years!) I tried to initiate it up to it stopping completely, but the rejection; him rolling over with his back to me, or saying it was late and he'd better be getting up, was just too soul destroying and too painful, I stopped in the end. Now I also feel like I'm living with my brother. He kisses me on the lips, briefly, every day, but we no longer cuddle in bed or otherwise and to be honest, if he did initiate sex, I'd refuse as now it would feel really uncomfortable and quite embarrassing. He won't talk about anything like that anyway, so there's been absolutely no point in bringing it up. Since I've been through the menopause and come out of the other side, my sex drive is very high. I also have good toys, he knows I've bought them, but it doesn't bother him. I am not planning on staying like this for the rest of my life, that's for sure. (There are other things besides this that I don't want to live with any more, not just the sex!) I wasn't a confident person when we met, if I had been, I would have pushed for better communication, sadly it's too late now...

There is no closeness in our marriage. I’ve always felt like a tick box good catch, to procreate with and be a good mum and housewife. My DH has always suffered from ED and took viagra but strangely didn’t need to when we were trying for kids. Makes me feel even more of a handmaiden. He’s a good man but that sexual and emotional connection is not there and I’ve built walls.
I just want to be seen and feel sexy. I have a high sex drive and have never cheated but it makes me weep that I’ve missed the best years of my sexual life.
I’m sat here in out patients for a wee check up procedure. Not once did DH ever ask if I needed accompanied (I don’t but all my female friends would have asked). When I brought it up he then went all defensive, saying I was being unreasonable laying the guilt at his feet. If the roles had been reversed I would have felt terrible, said how sorry I felt and did a bit of handholding (but that’s hypothetical coz I’d always ask). He just gaslit me rather than address his shortcomings.
Yes I could have asked and yes he’d’ve come with me but I’m fed up spoonfeeding both sides of a relationship. I cannot have sex or intimacy with someone like that. It doesn’t flow naturally. And the sex previously was always shite anyway.

This last paragraph illustrates perfectly why the social construct of marriage exists. Human children are helpless for so long that they need two parents to give them the best chance in life. The rosy oxo cube family life sold to us as what we should strive for is mythical

“You can’t be a good parent If you are not happy yourself”

without a doubt the most ridiculous comment I’ve ever read on mumsnet

I’m sure there are a number of reasons for a sexless marriage, but what seems to be a constant in many, is lack of good communication and understanding on both sides. Many people seem to never directly address their problems, often because there is so much at stake. Resentments are kept hidden and grow like a cancer in the body of the marriage, finally destroying it.
I know from my own marriage failure that there were several areas I lacked understanding and empathy, and along with all the things everyday life can throw up it can be hard to always be at your very best in the communication department.
I worked away from home for most of the week, trying to earn enough money to take care of the mortgage, 3 children and a wife. My wife, meanwhile was struggling to look after 3 small children , run the house and cope with any everyday issues. When I came home at weekends there would be jobs to do in the house and also the children craving attention, life wasn’t easy, but we had many happy days out and family holidays.
My wife and I had very little alone time and we were living a sexless and low affection marriage. What time there was we spent talking about the children or mundane things connected to the household, so not much time for romance and affection. This situation continued over many years, never fully addressed, just me occasionally referencing the lack of sex and not realising over all the years my wife had felt unsupported, unappreciated and unloved. I had lost focus on my wife and concentrated too much on work and financial issues. She in turn rejected me emotionally and physically and so a sexless marriage was created.

@Loyaltothedeath, you write with humility, but I will also disagree.
My wife and I have worked on our marriage and it is working. In my first marriage, I worked hard, took a close look at myself and my wife pretty much did nothing.
Sometimes, the problem is not on both sides equally adn can be cured by one just making some effort. There really is a rich variety.

@Sweden99
I take your point. It’s true there is a rich variety of reasons for a marriage failing, often preceded by months or years of a sexless relationship and there are many different sets of complex circumstances, that contribute along the way.
You were able to take a good look at your own unique situation and realise it was a lost cause. I’m very pleased you are now in a working marriage.
My marriage would have qualified as being sexless from the very start and to be honest we lacked the necessary knowledge to address it. Over time our family provided the distraction away from our own relationship problems and amazingly we kept the marriage going for 35 years. The lack of sex wasn’t the biggest issue, the lack of emotional connection was. It’s not an uncommon dynamic for men to need sex to emotionally connect and for women to need emotional connection to have sex. I’m sure this has created many a vicious cycle in relationships.

@Loyaltothedeath, thanks for the patient reply. I agree very much. I am perhaps a little touchy as even only a decade ago, there was often a presumption that if the man makes an effort, the marriage will be fine.
In my case, the "toxic masculinity" I had to identify was that relationships really were 50:50 - I needed someone who would also make an effort.
There is a type of male feminist who thinks they are special and mistreat women, then realise they should not mistreat women and think that makes them special. I was, very unfairly, treating your post in that light. Sorry.

Im childfree by choice and havent lost desire.

@PeacefulPottering
I think there is certainly a degree of truth in what you have posted. It seems to make sense, though as a man, it certainly would have been useful to me had my wife expressed what her needs were as clearly as possible, most men are very slow in picking up cryptic clues. If your normal sex life had always included PiV and you no longer desired it , communicating that fact would be crucial to continuing a loving and intimate relationship, after all, what could be worse than engaging in something the other person doesn’t enjoy.
If the relationship dynamic is a good one, with honesty and trust and effort from both partners, most sexual problems can be overcome. Using sexual rejection as a means to punish a partner for not getting things right will definitely lead to a sexless marriage and in all likelihood to a loveless one, especially if they are not aware of what they are getting wrong.

I have just one last thing to add to this thread, if you are the partner suffering
regular sexual rejection, although it’s probably rare, never rule out the possibility that your partner might be involved with someone else, either emotionally or physically or both and it could have been going on for a long time. Sadly, this happened to a friend of mine, his wife had been cheating on him for 7 years while he lived obliviously in a sexless marriage, believing his wife was suffering menopause issues.

How about she leaves now, gets a good job and life for herself, and lets him look after his own kids that he willingly conceived? Or is he off the parenting hook entirely?

I have suuch sympathy for this. Our sex life used to be good, but 15 years or marrige, fertility issues and now three kids has really killed her drive and we probably have sex about 7 times a year. Better than someon this thread, but I have a high drive and want to feel wanted and desireable. The regular rejection is hard to take, and I don't really know what the best course of action is, as I still love her dearly, but I need more intimacy.

Are you my ex-husband???

This is exactly the scenario that played out for us. By the time the youngest hit 18 we had had enough conversations about the dead sexual relationship that we both knew the final flash point was the final nail in the coffin. We had a very amicable divorce and are still, in a weird way, friends.

I was so exhausted that I assumed at 53 that I no longer wanted sex, full stop. I was wrong. I just didn't want sex with him!

Women know men need sex, so if it’s not happening in your marriage it might just be happening somewhere else and women need affection and emotional connection and if this isn’t happening they might be finding that somewhere else and to get that they very often trade on their sexuality.

What a hilariously binary and over simplistic view.

If you read a few posts on here you'll see there are plenty of men with low sex drives and plenty of women with high sex drives.

Also noone needs sex. It's a want, not a need.

In the past many many people were celibate or chaste for large parts of their lives (or whole lives) due to circumstances, lack of reliable contraception, lack of opportunities etc etc. It's only now that people insist on thinking constant sex is typical or necessary or a "right".

@Ladolcevita233, no one needs sex. Nor affection. But, if it were deliberately withheld from a woman in the context of a marriage without good reason, we would consider it abuse.

Also noone needs sex. It's a want, not a need.

Exactly, it’s more like happiness, recognition, music, food that’s better than gruel, or going outdoors. You can stay indoors being miserable eating gruel in silence for years if you really put your mind to it.

I think that's what happened between me and my wife, though in a very different way, as we didn't have children together (though I have two sons from a former relationship and this may have had something to do with it.)

She tells me she loves me all the time, but I'm pretty sure that, for her, the thought of sex with me is repulsive. For me, it's a combination of death and torture. In fact, I suffered three bereavements in 2018: the songwriter Pete Shelley, a very close friend four days after that - and, earlier that year, my sex life ended.

I love my wife very deeply but life without sex is like being half-dead. In all seriousness, the less perspicacious of us (i.e. me) need two lifetimes to get to grips with this surprisingly common problem.

I had a vasectomy just after we got married (and got an infection and was in hospital for eight nights, but that's another story) so that my wife could come off the pill. This did not increase my wife's desire (for me.)

Sexless marriage here. Married 22 years, 3 kids. Lack of sex is not through choice on my part. I've always had a higher libido than DH, and have always been rejected if I try to initiate so have been conditioned to wait for him to be in the mood, so the past 15 years or so, especially, have been frustrating. It has now dwindled to never, rather than occasionally, which I am really struggling with.

I reckon he suffers from ED but however I try to approach the issue of our sex life, he shuts me down and buries his head in the sand. I've tried the pill, Mirena coil and antidepressants to dampen my sex drive (currently using the latter two). He definitely won't address it, because the lack of sex doesn't bother him.

Otherwise he is lovely, we get on well and coparent amicably. He is affectionate but there's just no passion. I'm not happy at all, and I suspect he knows it, but can't bring myself to break up an otherwise good relationship over sex, even though the feeling of rejection is crushing me. I'm just hoping menopause kills my sex drive, then it'll no longer be an issue. Til then I have to make do with a vibrator and fantasising about being with someone who actually desires me.

@becarefulofyourheart I felt exactly like that and still do. I've lost interest sexually in all my 3 long term relationships (2 marriages and 1 live in) within around 3 years.

Just responding to post from sugarmiceintherain couple of messages earlier in thread. V sad and a little concerned you'd been taking anti depressants to suppress your sex drive. There's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive and you should never feel the need to 'medicate' against that.

Would appear the options are to:

a) Divorce with a view to eventually find someone sexually compatible
b) Ask if you can open the marriage up so you can enjoy some form of physical relationship elsewhere with your partner's knowledge and consent
c) Pursue extra marital relationships without your partner knowing
d) Carry on as you are, using toys, etc to meet your sexual needs.

Good luck, but don't feel the need to treat high sex drive as a medical condition, it isn't, it's just that you are sadly sexually incompatible with your partner.

Im 50 and have been in a sexless marriage for 28 years We get on well in other ways but there is no touching or hugging at all. I have had OM between 2003 and early 2008. And from October 2021 to the present day. (the same man)

Nice