Sexless marriage. Tell me your story

[Maldad]

So im not looking for advice or judgement and just looking to hear from your side what you done about a sexless marraige.

I know this goes both ways as i see lots of posts about women who have kids who still want sex and men who say the same.

Just to give you a brief background of my situation. Married 10+ years, kids blah blah. Before you say im pestering for sex im not. I do more than 50% share of everything i.e i do 100% cooking, half kids stuff, birthdays etc and its not for sex, its just who i am. I dont like a dirty house, i like seeing my family happy, im sucessfull, in great shape, do loads with the kids plus loads of other stuff.

Sex has been poor (even prior to kids) and is an average of 1 to 2 times a year. Its built up, ive talked about, done everything i could to improve the situation but my partner just doesnt have a sex drive or just doesnt find me attractive anymore but always avoids talking about it and when she does she makes up reasons why she doesnt initiate etc. I know shes not cheating and is an amazing mum.

I know my options so no need to advise but always interested in other peoples storys.

Hit me with them, from both men and women.

For us it’s stress and family life. Sometimes I ask my DH but in reality I don’t even want to have sex I am feeling like I want it but the effort of it is a lot.
It’s always hard with him cos he’s never been the one to instigate but gets into it once we get going. It could be once every two months! But if we go away just the two of us (maybe once a year) then we do! I need to book us something I guess. But weekends are so busy with the kids homework and clubs.

What you teach them is staying in an unhappy, miserable marriage.
What I teach them is that adults have responsibilities which come before selfish personal desires! We can’t work two full time jobs because we have an autistic child, and 1.5 salaries isn’t enough to pay for two separate households, plus support activities for our autistic son, plus activities for our other son so he can have some badly needed time away from his disabled brother. Our autistic son wouldn’t cope with constantly moving between two households either.

I m sorry but I couldn’t donthis to my partner
I’m not doing anything to him. He chose to create his children, and he quite rightly has to support them, as do I - even if that means we both have to stay in an unhappy marriage. It’s not a case of me “letting him go”. He can’t go - he has a disabled child to look after. That’s not my fault.

I absolutely see where you're coming from. No doubt your DH also knows that all is not well in the marriage. You both have a duty to your kids to do whatever is best for them, and if you can't find a way of separating your relationship without seriously impacting them, then I understand why you're staying.

It bloody sucks though.

Geez! why is everyone so judgy of everyone else on here? Does it matter what another woman thinks/feels/does in her relationship unless it is affecting you personally?

You can’t be a good parent If you are not happy yourself.

@Rania78 You can’t be a good parent If you are not happy yourself.

I think that might depend on the level of unhappiness. Total misery and questioning to point of life would almost certainly render you unable to be a good parent.

Cracking on with life but feeling lonely in the evenings or wondering about what else is out there probably won't impact your parenting all that much.

Only the parent in question can be close enough to their family to know whether one adults dissatisfaction detracts more from the kids lives than the upheaval and loss of opportunity that separating might bring.

You do only get one life and it’s too short to be worrying about one tiny aspect of it. I really would love to have a Ferrari but I’m never going to be able to afford one but I can cope with that. It’s better to be happy without sex than unhappy without sex at the end of the day.

Are you saying depressed people can’t be good parents?

@DonnaBanana I understand your view point I truly do but this is where a lot of couples fall down in the sense that a relationship is 50/50. So in order for it to work your partner's needs should heard and acknowledged. So for example a partner that wants to go the cinema or an activity with the family with their SO doesn’t seem as much of a hassle but when it comes to sex and intimacy the party that needs it is shut down because it is not deemed as important. Both parties need to feel loved in the way they want it. I get it some people do not like sex and can’t be bothered with it but you are with your partner for a reason. This is where listening to each other’s views and acting upon them makes it work.

I would recommend reading Mind the Gap by Dr Karen Gurney. It paints a fascinating picture about desire in long term relationships.

@Maldad you've mentioned the pill possible affecting your wife's sex drive. Would you have the snip? Allowing her the freedom to come off the pill? (Apologies if an Inappropriate suggestion).

@becarefulofyourheart I'm exactly like this too - I kind of went along with it for many years but post menopause (I'm 61) it fell off a cliff and it actually gives me the creeps- i can feel myself tensing up- so I stopped.I did make it clear how I felt - I also made it clear if he wasn't up for it we could separate amicably - he didn't want that. I've never been a touchy feely person if I'm honest. I like doing things for H, I do care- I just really don't like sex at this time in life.

We haven’t had sex properly for about 18 months. I had some health issues - still have them but they’ve abated a bit - also in perimenopause so sex drive is pretty non-existent. I don’t feel sexy cos of health issues, plus dH doesn’t really initiate it either. We are in our 50s.
So much other stuff going on with family members that neither of us is probably in the mood either. It’s never been amazing, but def fallen off a cliff recently.
We will have to talk about it soon - we used to say we’re crap at ‘doing it’ but now we don’t even talk about it!!

I’m in a sexless marriage and have been for some time, I think it’s been 3 years since we last DTD.

It’s a combination of factors, initially DH suffered from ED and got medication with some effect.

The next issue was penile Ca which required surgery.

The final straw was when he went on SSRIs, he now has no libido at all.

We hug sometimes but chastely, no snogging and separate rooms.

So interesting - I feel similar, thought about it to point where I wonder if long-term successful relationships are actually the odd cases, & most are supposed to have a shortish shelf life (in terms of attraction, spark etc).

I also have gone off things sexually - happened after our first (only) child, intimacy waned, he still wants sex (& intimacy) ideally 2 times a week at least, I don’t want at all. If we do, he says it’s mechanical - I can understand, but it’s that or nothing! You can’t force excitement - unless you’re a porn star ;). I just really don’t enjoy it at all now.

If one side initiates separation that’s one thing. But my husband - discontented though he is - will not over this. Is the answer that in future just we will lead separate lives under same roof - or do you think intimacy, sexual or otherwise- could be re-established? (In our case, post child I decided we are just very different personalities … so hard to feel closeness).

love to hear others’ thoughts!

I think women who have had children definitely loose desire for sex. It's a primitive coping mechanism. It's there to stop another baby.
If they are still with their partners after that it's all about the dynamics of partnership. Are they looking out for my baby?
Are they doing the parternal load?
If they are then they will get to procreate again. That's why second children are born!
What goes wrong is the mistake women after procreating sex want the same. We are done with that. We don't necessarily want sex as the male instinct.
Perhaps it's more to do with we are horny, yes, but are horny for a different kind of sex. Not one centered in piv?

And not one centered in procreating.
We might get turned on by intellect or just not being seen as Mothers.

No. There is no merit in what you are saying. You want him to support you to stay at home with your autistic child. Then you will leave.
I have a son with autism/learning disability (now 43). I have 4 younger 'children'. I was in the practically sexless marriage and was desperately unhappy. He sensed I wanted out and kept pushing me to go. Eventually I did when the eldest was 14 years old. I put myself through professional training, had a house built for us and shared the care of the kids with their Dad. What that taught MY family (adults included) is that families can exist and love each other in honesty in a variety of forms. I am not going to say what I think you are because it is not complimentary.

I don't enjoy sex. I remember with my first boyfriend the bulid up and just hating it any time it happened
I had a couple of one night things and again yuck
At the start or my relationship 18years with my husband it was OK for about 6months and then I just didn't want to I just don't like it.
It's caused major problems over the years with my husband I wish I'd realised the issues it would have caused when it started to stop.
Sure people.will say with the right person blah blah but not I honestly couldn't think of much worse
I was friends with a girl who loves sex they did it daily and one of my friends is it the same and honestly I think they are lying cos I can't understand what is enjoyable about it so yeh that's our sexless marriage
To be fair mynhusband have rejected me so many times when I tried to have sex as I know he did enjoy it and no I haven't said I hate it to him

I think we’re biologically wired to insert our DNA into new people every few years and some lucky few manage to keep the sexual attraction going for years and years in marriages. I think it all depends what’s important for you - do you want security, shared intimacy (not sex), friendship etc. or do you want the all consuming passion?

I love my husband more than anything. He is my world. He’s the first person I call with any news and want to talk to. He’s my best friend. I don’t feel like my loins are on fire for him but sex is enjoyable if I get into it. I know I could possible find someone else who set my loins on fire but I’d very possibly miss all the other things that make my husband the person I love most in the world - his personality.

Hi! I’m curious - can you explain what it is about sec you hate? I’m not that into it either - lately it’s definitely become a chore I get nothing out of - so I’d love to hear your view. I think some people are definitely more sexual than others - it’s a sliding scale.

Makes so much sense, thx for sharing! Trouble today is that socially we are expected to stay in relationships, esp with children, ( & it’s certainly not easy to extract) - not just that, but have them be passionate too. Usually desired by one side (I assume mostly men) a lot more than the other. How to reconcile, unless one party has an affair, agreed on or other. Prob why so many men used to have ‘accepted’ mistresses.

@PeacefulPottering I'm sorry I disagree. My sex drive went through the roof after both children. I was breastfeeding too for a year. I think seeing my husband as the most loving and wonderful dad I knew he would be made me fancy him all the more.

For me after procreating I certainly didn't want the sexual part of our relationship to end and never once felt I was seen as a mother only.

I've been married nearly thirty years and of course there are peaks and troughs. Through periods of my ill health, weight gain through meds,DH depression and ssri induced loss of libido there have been challenges.

But what makes me feel loved and cherished is physical intimacy with my husband. Knowing I am loved and desired despite whatever situation we are going through us crucial to me in my marriage.

I guess every marriage is different and only the OP knows how the lack of intimacy affects his marriage and how much of a deal breaker it is x

No. I don’t want him to support me to stay at home and look after my autistic child. He has a responsibility to support me to stay at home and look after his autistic child. Because the child is also his, and he’s equally responsible for ensuring appropriate childcare. He either supports me to do it, or he has to do it himself which means he can’t work. I am enabling him to work.

Honestly it’s kind of shocking how you keep saying it’s my child and making out like DH is doing me a favour by supporting him. Or saying I should let DH go - parents of an autistic child can’t simply go! Thankfully DH realises that and he’s committed to shouldering his responsibility even if it’s not ideal for him as an individual. We’re both unhappy but we are responsible adults and we know our kids come first.

It’s great that you could afford to have a house built for you. Very few people can afford that. Even buying a second house is not an option for us. It’s equally not an option for both of us to work full time. The money we are able to get is enough for us to live under one roof and provide appropriate paid support for our kids. That’s the situation we have to put up with until they’re grown.

Physical intimacy and sex is essential in a happy, healthy marriage, of course it peaks and troughs, but it should never disappear completely or become a biannual occasion. A marriage devoid of physical touch is very vulnerable to cheating and affairs. Women know men need sex, so if it’s not happening in your marriage it might just be happening somewhere else and women need affection and emotional connection and if this isn’t happening they might be finding that somewhere else and to get that they very often trade on their sexuality.
I think this dynamic is the reason why many husbands are shocked when they find out their cold and sexless wife is having a passionate, sexual affair with another man.