Sexless marriage. Tell me your story

[Maldad]

So im not looking for advice or judgement and just looking to hear from your side what you done about a sexless marraige.

I know this goes both ways as i see lots of posts about women who have kids who still want sex and men who say the same.

Just to give you a brief background of my situation. Married 10+ years, kids blah blah. Before you say im pestering for sex im not. I do more than 50% share of everything i.e i do 100% cooking, half kids stuff, birthdays etc and its not for sex, its just who i am. I dont like a dirty house, i like seeing my family happy, im sucessfull, in great shape, do loads with the kids plus loads of other stuff.

Sex has been poor (even prior to kids) and is an average of 1 to 2 times a year. Its built up, ive talked about, done everything i could to improve the situation but my partner just doesnt have a sex drive or just doesnt find me attractive anymore but always avoids talking about it and when she does she makes up reasons why she doesnt initiate etc. I know shes not cheating and is an amazing mum.

I know my options so no need to advise but always interested in other peoples storys.

Hit me with them, from both men and women.

I read somewhere "When something becomes permanent, it becomes lifeless"
Maybe we are not meant to be tied to one person sexually for the rest of our lives?

That’s a bit of an odd comparison though, because going to the cinema with someone who doesn’t want to isn’t illegal, but having sex with someone who doesn’t want it absolutely is, which is why compromise in these situations is so difficult to find.

I also think that like myself a fair few women have gone through infidelity or emotional affairs or some kind of disloyalty and have stayed in a marriage for all kinds of reasons including self preservation- whilst you may well stay in the marriage I'm sure plenty like myself didn't feel 100% the same and that can easily affect how you feel sexually. Problem is that many partners who have been shits expect once the initial shit has died down that everything is hunky dory and goes back 100% to normal- and that in my experience isn't always wanted or desired.

My first marriage was like this. After a lot of work, soul searching and posting on here, the conclusion was there was not much I could do about it.
If you are treating her well, caring for her and her health them ultimately there is not much you can do. I am married now and my wife contributes to the marraige actively, and it is all very different.
Sorry, I have no wisdom.

It's normal for women to lose desire temporarily after they've had babies.
They often lose desire (for their partners) permanently if he has pressured her into having sex when she's exhausted and not into it.

Plenty of people are and are happy that way.

My husband is having an emotional affair with a mutual friend. The sex stopped and I feel to embarrassed to ask due to continued rejection.

If we did, it was unkind and not loving. We have a small child.

We need to divorce but I'm still in the denial stage and really just need to leave. I need to give myself a deadline.

shes not willing to try and help get your sex life back and it’s very unfair for one partner to decide the relationship is sexless. I couldn’t be in a relationship with zero affection personally

Hi Guavafish1,
I think you already know this, but anyway, here goes, an emotional affair is the early stages of a love affair, the person involved in one is seldom honest and underplays the relationship. Given the opportunity it will turn sexual very quickly and replace your relationship. On very rare occasions the affair ends, but normally the marriage has been weakened so much by it that at best it limps on for a couple of years and ends somewhere down the line.
Yes, you do need to set yourself a deadline and also try to find as much support as you can from good friends and family. Things will be tough for some time, but keep optimistic.

Hi Maldad,
My story is a very similar one to yours, lack of sex throughout marriage, on the rare occasions it did occur it was often uninspired and passionless and to be honest was like it from the very start of our relationship. The rest of marriage was good , but the lack of passion caused feelings of insecurity, I often felt like a good friend and companion rather than a good husband. I am a very loyal person and didn’t feel comfortable looking for sex outside the marriage, unfortunately my wife’s loyalty wasn’t so strong and now, with the benefit of hindsight it’s obvious her sex drive was perfectly fine, but I wasn’t the one to spark it, so be careful in your assumption she doesn’t have a sex drive and remember, almost everyone that has been cheated on thinks their partner would not be capable of such a thing. What seems a not uncommon scenario is for people to settle in a marriage and then somewhere down the road find a person they feel strongly drawn to. This usually spells the end for most marriages, it did mine , a marriage of 35 years, 2 children,3 grandchildren.In conclusion, given my time again there is no way I would stay in a relationship that has this dynamic.

My DH is low in testosterone. GP told him that a side effect of testosterone supplements was hair loss. He said he would rather never have sex again than go bald. I asked him where that left me, and he looked at me as if I’d grown two heads and shrugged his shoulders. We haven’t had sex in five years. But if you asked him, he would say it was a couple of months ago.

@Zanatdy that's not always the case though- often there's plenty of affection on women's parts - just not sexual affection- especially I think with many women post menopause

As a man, I often do not get to hear this side. That is genuinely shocking and you should leave him.

@Aydel so he gaslights you as well

My ex-wife and I had not had sex for six months, but she would say it was down to every couple of weeks.

Thanks @Loyaltothedeath . I know you are right. it's just so hard to separate when a child is involved. I dont want to live the rest of my life in a loveless marriage too.

My plan is to leave in the autumn when my house lease finishes. I'll find a new place without him.

Not marriage but a nearly 4 year relationship.

at first it was great, sex was great, several times a week. No complaints. Then it just stopped.

to cut a really long story short, he never wanted to hug or kiss or be intimate with me and it hurt me so badly. My self esteem was on the floor.
I still use to try and initiate intimacy but each time he would knock me back, it hurt me to my core.

conversations about it would end with me hurting even more as he would say I was pestering and ‘it’s not all about sex. But was in a similar situation to yourself it was a few times a year, but usually after he had a drink which made me feel even worse about myself.

ultimately I split up with him because it felt like I had a housemate (a rather annoying one) and not a partner. It wasn’t what I wanted. I felt alone. I felt like I was single. I felt so sad all the time. And that sadness turned into resentment.

but low and behold once I said I wanted to split up, he was making more effort to be physical, but for me, it had gone past salvageable.

I've always had a high sex drive and in my relationships in the past, it was always the man who had a lower drive or it fizzled out.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and it's always been great. Great through ivf, great through pregnancy and great postnatally. I'm peri and it's still great. In fact, my sex drive has increased in peri and my sex drive is higher than my husband, but that's OK as we are very affectionate in other ways. I need about 6-10 orgasms to satisfy me and not many men can keep up with me. Luckily I have good toys.

I've only read the OP's posts so apologies if it's a repeat, but if you've finished having children just get a vasectomy and she can stop taking the pill.

I think a lot of men lose interest in sex due to perceived lack of variety. They watch too much porn, see all these naked women with good bodies and doing all sorts of sexual acts and they just completely lose sight of what a normal loving relationship looks like.

A sexless marriage can be caused by a variety of different reasons, sometimes it’s physical , but more often than not it involves the quality of the emotional connection in the relationship. The build up of resentments is a huge passion killer as is the inability to communicate honestly and effectively. People often think honest communication will destroy their relationship, which is why issues are kept secret and left to fester until the marriage finally implodes.

For me my DH stopped taking care of himself . Had to ask him to shower , brush his teeth , wash hands . It turned me off completely. Married over 30 years , separate rooms , no intimacy as I can’t bear him to touch me , he is missing teeth and won’t sort it out . I could go on and on . Why did I stay , he is basically kind hearted also we are both close to each others families . Financial reasons too . But it’s becoming harder to put up with it all . He is also a bit odd and socially awkward as he gets older .

Having kids, menopause, peri menopause and just bloody life are massive in this. As a post menopausal woman I would definitely say it’s the decline in hormones- I can tell, once a month or so there’s a flicker of oh …there it is! It all seems very unfair, I still fancy my husband, but the ‘on’ switch is stuck mainly to off, teenagers in the house make for a not completely relaxed atmosphere. My drastically changed body does not make me feel the desirable young thing I was, which aided my sensuality.

It’s fucking shit, it really is. We still kiss, cuddle and occasionally grope but it really feels like nature is done with me. I had back to back pregnancies and immediately into the menopause at age 38. I’m 56 now.

I’m a woman. Ended my marriage as exDP wasn’t interested. I was late 30s, slim, attractive and fit. Now in a committed very active relationship and so so much happier. Sex most nights and I feel like I’m seen again. I know opinions vary but I feel strongly that sexless relationships are unfair and grounds to leave a relationship.

I have just accepted it. I love my DH and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Sex is a bonus but not our whole relationship.