Sexless marriage. Tell me your story

[Maldad]

So im not looking for advice or judgement and just looking to hear from your side what you done about a sexless marraige.

I know this goes both ways as i see lots of posts about women who have kids who still want sex and men who say the same.

Just to give you a brief background of my situation. Married 10+ years, kids blah blah. Before you say im pestering for sex im not. I do more than 50% share of everything i.e i do 100% cooking, half kids stuff, birthdays etc and its not for sex, its just who i am. I dont like a dirty house, i like seeing my family happy, im sucessfull, in great shape, do loads with the kids plus loads of other stuff.

Sex has been poor (even prior to kids) and is an average of 1 to 2 times a year. Its built up, ive talked about, done everything i could to improve the situation but my partner just doesnt have a sex drive or just doesnt find me attractive anymore but always avoids talking about it and when she does she makes up reasons why she doesnt initiate etc. I know shes not cheating and is an amazing mum.

I know my options so no need to advise but always interested in other peoples storys.

Hit me with them, from both men and women.

I couldn’t stand sex with my ex. He was coercive and controlling. I believed my sex drive to be non existent by the end. I thought I would live a sexless life post separation and this felt ok. Once we eventually divorced and I met someone else I realised there was nothing wrong with my sex drive. None at all. I now have it 2-3 times/day with new partner and feel like a different person.

Are you intimate in other ways? Do you have fun? Do you talk about your feelings hopes and desires? Do you make her laugh? Does she get to go away and spend weekends away from the pressures of family life, with her friends?

She might be stuck in a rut or she might be unhappy in the relationship, or she may need to change contraception (or you could suggest the snip), or she might be utterly exhausted and touched out. But ultimately if there’s something in the relationship dynamics that she is not satisfied with, this will impact her sex drive.

The mental load for women is immense though. I would be so surprised if you genuinely take on 50% of that.

@Rania78 thats exactly me. Its not just sex, its connection. Its horrible when the other person has no feelings the same way back

@C1N1C so sorry for your situation as different to mine but heartbreaking. How have you discussed it?

This is 100% true about society's false perception of women's sexuality.

@SarahC50 we are basically best mates but thats as far as it goes. We dont kiss, cuddle or anything. When i bring anything up she will lie about how she feels to avoid having a proper honest discussion about it. She is an increcible woman but i do think she is content with how things are and i am not. I think we are just differemt people which makes me know where we are heading

@becarefulofyourheart thankyou for your honest post and think this is all down to how we are wired. Its tough but is what it is. Have you spoke to your partner about how you feel?

Ive tried with mine but i do truely feel she just doesnt have much of a sex drive or feels the need to be passionate/loving with me as the mother role is what she enjoys the most and like i said before i think she is content with that

@SarahC50 if i try to push it makes things worse and as we have so much going on i dread even a day of akwardness as it throws everything so off balance

@Mischance i do think this is a massive part of it. I asked if she would come off the pill and bought condoms but she shut it diwn and said no. Didnt push further

@Maldad

Sounds like you gave her what she wanted - kids and now she has lost interest in you but is happy for you to stick around from a financial perspective.

Reading this thread is sad but reassuring- good to know I'm not alone. Feel my tale is similar to yours @Maldad except I'm a woman! Sex was never great between me and DH pre kids. It's now pretty rare and he really seems to have gone off it, and never initiates it. I go through madly horny spells (maybe peri menopause) and feel like a right sex pest during these times. Between these periods I don't really want sex but miss intimacy a lot so do sometime try initiating at least some sensual touch, and rejection of that hurts more than the turning down of sex when I do want it. My DH was SAHD for while and still does majority of childcare either side of school. I wonder if that has affected things for him sexually as being a SAHD certainly has dented his confidence in other ways though was fab for the kids. He also really does put them first always more than I do including us not sleeping in same bed often or having a child in with us to make for easier nights with our youngest, who is far beyond the age of needing to sleep with a parent but is far easier to manage if she's just in with mum/dad/both. While I tend to agree with my DH that these sleeping arrangements make for a better slept family and I also that having kids in own beds is a bit if a recent western construct, I am hurt by the fact he does not recognise that it has an impact on our intimacy (he'll comment that it's 'just sleeping' when I mention I'd like us to be in our bed just us more often), as it clearly has. I don't want to leave him at all or have an affair - I love him and our family that we have created, but do just crave a bit more touch

@Maldad

Nine years ago, I suggested an open relationship. Hard no.

I can understand why, it might well have been playing with fire. I can readily see why other women would want him so it’s not like he’d have been abandoned while I played the field. Maybe he sensed impending disaster. I picked a decent man to be the the father of my children - it wasn’t an accident. I didn’t know it would go down the way it did, or I wouldn’t have done it, but previous picks tended to be either arseholes I loved madly or nice men I didn’t really care about who deserved better. I had twenty years of childhood to learn precisely what sort of man not to choose; I suppose when it came to settling down I had semi-learned a good lesson the hard way. Clearly, not his fault something in my head shut down. I think maybe I only truly want what’s wrong and damaging. However I’m not stupid enough to think that’ll work out well either. Fucked up, clear-eyed.

So had we split/ opened up the marriage I’d probably have decided I was madly in love with someone who ticked the fucked-up boxes or else, if my better nature prevailed, ended up dragging in some nice man who wanted to treat me and the kids well - then I’d have gone off him. Disaster on disaster.

I think in retrospect DH said no because sanctioned infidelity is frowned upon, and the perceived suggestion that he was somehow lacking hurt his feelings. In hindsight, he wasn’t wrong, that was a mess we were better not to get into.

Like I said, I’ve sometimes thought if we could acknowledge the great things we’ve achieved, and the issue we face, we might be able to find a way round it. Or even just accept we’re better as parents who’re not married. Sporadically I find it a bit weird that access to my vagina is such a barrier to our respective happiness. There’s definitely an unspoken sadness. Why? I look at our work, our lifetime of effort, our willingness to be good parents -vs- a bit of shagging. Why is it such a big deal? People do it all the time and never see one another again, yet such pressure is inflicted by vows and such havoc caused by affairs. Monogamy seems like a huge ask for so many people.

Part of me resents the marriage too, because by the time our kids are away and living independently, I’ll be an old woman, and if we do go our separate ways then, he’ll be able to find a woman who still has a lot to offer.

That said, kids. Nobody prioritised me or my siblings so - maybe it’s for the best that we make decisions for them not us. Or maybe that’s false consciousness!

Menopausal loss of libido is horrific. Feels like you are dead from the waist down. Do you know if she masturbates? Have you done that together? If it is lack of libido has she seen her GP?

From this thread and another you’ve posted on, your style of writing/circumstances seem similar to a poster who has posted under a couple of different names on another board. If I’m correct in my thinking, there are a lot of details left out in this thread that explain why your wife doesn’t want sex and lots of posters have pointed things out on previous threads to you and tried to help.

There’s no point getting angry with posters on previous threads, ignoring advice and then posting again leaving some details out. If you want things to improve, you need to be honest, take advice on board and change.

I think you’ll probably say you haven’t posted before, like you did when other posters have said they’ve recognised you before. That’s up to you, but nothing will change if you’re not honest and missing things out.

No sex here since I conceived DD, she is 12 soon.

We exist as parents. No hugs, kisses, or affection. I don't like him a lot of the time. I think he's got an issue with women and sex, I bought a karma sutra book for him when we'd been dating about six months and I think he was a bit disgusted with me.

I went off him when he just didn't step up to the plate when I had children. A man - child.

I wonder if he has had sex elsewhere? I wouldn't be bothered. But knowing would give me an out I suppose. I don't think he even has a wank.
He told me he cheated on a longtime girlfriend when she didn't want sex anymore. So maybe I killed his sex drive. I don't feel like a woman around him and he does not see me as a sexual person.

He's also looking more old man wanting his slippers whereas I've looked after myself and love to get dressed up snd go out.

I would love some mind blowing sex to be frank. Not with him though. But I was never that great at playing the games to get dates even when younger so even less chance now. first boyfriend was when I was 25. Late starter early finisher. 😏

It makes me very sad. But I can't break up the family and have us both poorer. scraping a living in single homes in London for some sex I might never get to have.

i guess the fact our marriage is sexless is down to me in a way. I went through attempted rape and false imprisonment at 11 by 3 adults. At 12 My so called mates took pictures of me while I was getting dressed and sent them to this creep that was hassling us for nudes and after 2 years of being sexually harassed for a feel at 15 I was horribly sexually assaulted. Only my husband and mum knows I was attacked. They don’t deal with it well. My husbands way of dealing with it is to not touch me sexually. After everything I think I’m ok with being in a sexless relationship.

I’m not in a sexless marriage …. Yet.

my husband and I, for the past few years, have only had sex when he has initiated it. If I do he looks at me like I have 2 heads so I stopped as it’s made me feel rejected and a bit silly and embarrassed.
we were pretty well matched though and frequency suited us both.
however I have had to change contraception back to the pill 4 months ago and I wouldn’t care if I never had sex again to be honest. This pill suits me in every other way but I could actually burst into tears if he initiates sex.
Part of me thinks well now you know how I feel and also he won’t have a vasectomy so maybe I should carry on with my pill, with my clear skin and my light periods 😊
but the other part thinks, I need to try something else because like you mentioned, we aren’t connected. I can feel other parts of our relationship suffer when we don’t have sex.

I hope things get better for you.

@SuckingFunt I feel for you and your current situation. As human beings a lot of us lead an unhappy existence. We all deserve to be happy as we are only here once but as a good parent/person the sacrifices we make for the people we love outweigh our own desires.

This is exactly what my DW says ^^, she has completely lost her sex drive, she never initiates any more, she doesn’t like me to initiate either, so we just live together as 2 people., menopause has caused weight gain and her to snore , so I’m often in the spare room now.

That poor man, slaving away at work just so you can fuck him off when he’s no longer needed.

Genuine question, how can you function having that on your conscience? I know I couldn’t!

I went off him when he just didn't step up to the plate when I had children
Me too. He had no respect for me as an individual who had an equal right to have some sleep. No respect for my career, no willingness to take a step back from his own career to do his share and give me an equal opportunity to work. He just dumped the majority on me and didn’t give a shit about my well-being. No concern about my recovery from pregnancy either - in the early days he should have been doing MORE than 50% to allow me time to recover.

Of course when the kids reached an age where they were easier and more enjoyable to look after, then he started doing more of a share. He would tell you he does 50% now. But it’s too late. I’ve already been through a mental breakdown due to exhaustion and had my career ruined. I won’t forgive him for that.

OP maybe you do 50% now, but if there was ever a point where you didn’t step up, it’s likely your wife is still harbouring resentment.

Tbh I wouldn't risk condoms as the only method of contraception, have you considered a vasectomy? I had a really traumatic labour and since my DH had his it's like a weight has been lifted

It’s not like I’m happy! I want to leave now. But I have to put the kids well-being first and stay in a two-parent household for them. They’re his kids too - so he also has to put them first and stay in a two-parent household for them.

I’m not exactly having a jolly old time while he’s working to keep me - I’m working part time and looking after our autistic child the rest of the time, and if I wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t be able to work full time.

We are both trapped, and when the kids are 18 we’ll both be free. So no, I don’t have anything on my conscience. Yes, I will fuck him off when he’s no longer needed by his kids. Not by me.

Darling, the kids are not stupid. You make a huge assumption thinking that they do not understand what is going on. What you teach them is staying in an unhappy, miserable marriage.
Honestly? It would be much healthier for them to have ad an example two parents who are in happy relationships and co-parent.
I m sorry but I couldn’t donthis to my partner. I would let him go to find happiness and remain in his life as a friend and co-parent.
Funny thing is that, If that man had an affair so that he can have some happiness and function as a father, he would be vilified and called a bad person and cheater. I m sorry but sometimes thevone that plays the victim is in reality the aggressor. Quite frankly? I wish I had this poor man in front of me and give him a hug. He deserves better.

It sounds a really difficult situation. I understand you don't want to push it and then have days of tension but it must get to you. Like a war of attrition it is slowly destroying you and your self esteem I imagine.
You deserve touch,love and intimacy in your marriage and I guess it's a very lonely place without that.
I think from what you are saying you know that you are heading towards growing apart. Please let your wife know how serious the situation is and what is at risk so she knows the facts. Best of luck x