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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worst mother in law comments...go on join me in my misery lol!

459 replies

Flutterby10 · 28/10/2023 16:50

Go on tell me the worst things said to you by a mother in law?

Not saying they all bad btw I’ve had a couple of nice ones previously when younger.

Ive had pretty a pretty bad week with mine but I’ve decided I’m over it all now!

OP posts:
JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2023 23:41

My MIL is a lovely lady but mentions often in my presence how nice my Husband's Ex was and will say to my Husband "I've posted (Ex's) Birthday/Christmas card" or, "I've got a tub of chocolates here for (Ex) for Christmas". I don't have a problem with MIL sending the Ex DIL cards, but don't really understand why she has to mention it in front of me? I know I wouldn't do this with my Sons' partners. It just seems odd and a bit rude.

MermaidMummy06 · 28/10/2023 23:41

MIL, who had always been nasty, came to my house when she knew I was alone with DC and said, 'this isn't pleasant, but I need to tell you everything wrong with your behaviour and how to behave properly'. When I said I was struggling mentally (PND) and wasn't interested, she said 'suck it up, you've got children and a husband to look after'.

Then she had an embarrassing ranty tanty as I told her to leave. She rang DH and told him I was rocking in a corner, crying. I wasn't. I was actually feeling empowered for having the big opportunity to stand my ground & let her know she couldn't be rude to me anymore, and an excuse to go NC that DH understood without any fights.

DH told MIL he'd had enough, to treat me with respect or he'd go NC, so she had a 'heart episode' and got herself carted off to hospital for sympathy. It didn't work.

I refused to see her unless unavoidable. She behaved then, but tried to throw little barbs in if we were alone.

She died last year. It's blissful.

miserablebitch · 28/10/2023 23:48

Mil at Christmas, as I opened my present from her….”they were uncomfortable on me, so thought I’d just give them to you”… as I opened a pack of 5 pairs of full briefs. 🤢 Don’t know if they would have fit me, as they got as far as the outside bin. Underwear was bad enough, but underwear that she had worn!!!

Bluffetybluff · 29/10/2023 00:01

Ex Mil used to tell me:
'your children will be the making of you',
as though I was nothing before I had them !!
mmmm

Showdogworkingdog · 29/10/2023 00:07

“ You know, I don’t think your bum’s looking as big as it used to.”

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 29/10/2023 00:15

Both said to be during my first much wanted pregnancy:
-If you choose to have an abortion, don’t. I’ll take the baby and bring it up as my own. You won’t have to see it then.

-You’re just the vessel for my grandchild.

This one said to me days after my second dc was born extremely early and in an incubator:

  • So and so had a baby born at this number of weeks. It died a few days later.
PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 29/10/2023 00:18

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 28/10/2023 20:45

Oops, I've just realised that my comment about liking watching babies breastfeeding might sound a bit iffy!
I am not sure that I can explain what I mean without digging myself a bigger hole, but I will try:

What I love about it, is seeing a mum being able to give her dear baby all the nutrition it needs in the first few months of it's, and in such a simple but amazing way. Also, how content the baby looks whilst lying there suckling, and gazing into it's mums eyes, and that being just the right distance for a newborn to be able to focus on it's mum's eyes 🥰

When they work correctly, I think our bodies are nothing short of miraculous, and growing a tiny human being in our wombs, then giving birth to them, and then actually being able to feed them as well, just makes me feel - I can't actually think of the word I want, but it is somewhere along the lines of a mixture of astounded, wondrous/wonder full, bowled over, and Wow, but even more than all of those as well!

Maybe it is because with my first baby I struggled to produce enough milk to feed her, and I got useless and contradicting advice from the midwives. I was quite distraught about it, and couldn't help thinking things like 'if we were lost in the Sahara, my baby would die because I couldn't breastfeed her'! - looking back on that fear now, I think that we both might have died anyway seeings how in my imagination we were alone and lost in a desert! In the end my dear little one refused me completely, so I had to resort to bottle feeding her. I did a lot of research before my next baby was born, and I was able to exclusively breastfeed him until he was weaned, the relief I felt was immense 😁❤️

This isn't the thread for this. Many mums can’t breastfeed. Conversely many mums' milk isn't sufficient if they have a really poor diet. Anyway, like I said this isn't the thread for "Breastfeeding is sooo much better" nonsense

VintageBlossomHill · 29/10/2023 00:35

Worst ever was - 3 months after my daughter MIL asked why I wasn’t back at work yet. I said I was afraid to as I couldn’t talk about my daughter (her grandchild)without crying and as I work in a v large organisation that would be a months of crying as people would want to offer their condolences when they seen me.

She looked at me with a totally puzzled expression and said “Are you still not over it yet?”

Most recent shocker was when I returned to her house from a 30 min walk. She kept going on about being so surprised that I had went for a walk. Eventually I asked why was it a big deal. She said that she was surprised as I’m carrying so much weight. I’m Size 12! Heavier than I ever was but not exactly housebound!

Momtotwokids · 29/10/2023 01:23

Flutterby10 that is heart wrenching.

sunnyseed · 29/10/2023 01:34

“I’ve not lost one yet” when talking about her pond and young grand children. She announced that she would be baby sitting my son on occasion - we hadn’t asked her too and up to that point she had always been off with me in all the years I had known her so i wasn’t too comfortable with her having him to herself anyway. I have always felt uncomfortable with young children and ponds and there had recently been a tragic accident where two twin toddlers had drowned in a pond so it was a worry. So I told her that’s fine but she would absolutely not be having him unless she ever got a safety cover on her pond.

She knew about the recent tragedies involving children drowning in ponds and I reminded her and then she came out with that corker. I just thought it was a disgusting thing to say and realised I could never trust her with him.

SingingSands · 29/10/2023 03:06

A comment made without saying a word...

When FIL died, we were putting photos together for his order of service and there was not one family photo with me in it to use. Awkward silence around the table until I said it was ok, it didn't matter and we went ahead with two family photos without me in them.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 29/10/2023 03:16

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 29/10/2023 00:18

This isn't the thread for this. Many mums can’t breastfeed. Conversely many mums' milk isn't sufficient if they have a really poor diet. Anyway, like I said this isn't the thread for "Breastfeeding is sooo much better" nonsense

I didn't say breastfeeding was so much better, in fact I pointed out that I was one of the mum's who couldn't breastfeed. I explained that my deep concern was that if I couldn't have fed my baby she would have died if we had been in a different place (or time). Which was of course a very silly worry of mine considering that we were well into the second half of the 20th Century! Fear, maybe due in some part to raging hormones, but also due to my depression, led to my very destructive thoughts. I have explained that that left me feeling distraught. My GP was very close to sending me to a mother and baby mental health facility - after I had taken a paracetamol overdose, and had my stomach pumped. So I am not going to apologise to you, that for me personally being able to breastfeed my child was very important. It had nothing whatsoever to do with how anyone else wanted to, or had to, feed their baby.

When I was a student nurse I became good friends with another nurse who was also a mother of young children, she said that she could have never breastfed her babies because the very thought of it made her feel ill, she hated the thought of it. Yet despite our very personal contrasting views we did not judge each other, neither of us argued about it, or tried to make the other one change our own individual view's. I know that I really liked and respected her, I hope she felt the same way about me.

If I hadn't had access to Formula because I hadn't been lucky enough to be born into a country where despite the fact that at the time when I had my firstborn, my husband and I were living just above what was considered to be the poverty line in our country at that time, my firstborn might have actually died. Instead she thrived and has children of her own now, because I was able to give her Fórmula milk.

If, in my 2nd post, the one you are referring to, I hadn't been trying to not write too long an essay, I might have mentioned that the position for breastfeeding a baby, and bottle feeding a young baby, is almost exactly the same, so you still get your baby gazing contently into your eyes, and what is even better with bottle feeding is that Dad, and Grandparents can also bond with their Dear Child/Grandchild. Also, Dad can hopefully do some of the nightfeeds when appropriate, or at least maybe let mum catch up on some much needed sleep during the day if possible.

But I still might have not mentioned it, because I had forgotten that even in this day and age not everyone realises that in wealthy countries bottle feeding can even overtake the health benefits of feeding a young baby, because it can help lesson the mum's load if even by a little bit, and can greatly help quicken the bond between the baby and it's Dad. However, being quite an avid reader of Mumsnet, I should have remembered that being critically judgemental of others is still alive and kicking, and indeed thriving!

Please don't come back at me now @PabloandGustheGreySquirrels, for not going into all the other benefits of either bottle feeding or breastfeeding, or start laying into me because I have no real idea of what being peniless is like, or of being a single mother without the opportunity of any help from a baby's Dad, or know what it is like to be the only adult in your Dear Baby's life. I cannot and will not accept nasty judgement for not ever having been a single mum with no other adult support. As it happens, after my second child was born, my then husband did leave me, but I was still extremely lucky to have the support of my parents. After a few years I met my present husband, and so far 🤞🙏 he has been able to put up with me, and that was a long time ago now ...

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 03:32

I'd love to know what would happen if someone started a thread called "Worst daughter in law comments-go on, join me in my misery lol!"

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 29/10/2023 05:43

JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2023 23:41

My MIL is a lovely lady but mentions often in my presence how nice my Husband's Ex was and will say to my Husband "I've posted (Ex's) Birthday/Christmas card" or, "I've got a tub of chocolates here for (Ex) for Christmas". I don't have a problem with MIL sending the Ex DIL cards, but don't really understand why she has to mention it in front of me? I know I wouldn't do this with my Sons' partners. It just seems odd and a bit rude.

@JaffaCake70,
I am trying to look at this from your MiL's point of view, and the only positve spin I can find is that she is hoping to let you know that she thinks about her ex DiL as someone she likes/loves in their own right, and not just because she was once her son's choice of partner. Therefore she might hope that if she makes an effort to show you her fondness for his ex, then you will be able to realise that she likes and loves you, because you are you, and not just because you are her son's dear partner. 💐💐💐

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/10/2023 06:57

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 03:32

I'd love to know what would happen if someone started a thread called "Worst daughter in law comments-go on, join me in my misery lol!"

You'd probably have got a robust enough response from the relatively small number of MILs on here. Most of us are DIL age, though.

Are you also one of those posters who is constantly enraged that a community formed mainly of women centres women's views and interests?

WhiteArsenic · 29/10/2023 06:57

I'm an only child and the daughter of an only child. MIL had two children but came from a larger family herself. When I had our second child, she said, “How lovely, you’re a proper family now.” That was 25 years ago, and it still rankles.

janicegarvey · 29/10/2023 07:08

Zigzagga · 28/10/2023 18:53

3 days after giving birth and a very traumatic period "wow your bigger now than when you were pregnant!"

The day I gave birth to dd mil took one look at me and says, wow you've got a lot of weight to lose

She'd made comments throughout about how "big" I was. I was a size 6 before pregnancy and only went up to a size 8 by the end didn't even need maternity clothes as barely gained any weight 🤦‍♀️

Wtf is wrong with all these mils

Autiebibliophile · 29/10/2023 07:21

My ex pil liked to be in control of everything and would be v passive aggressive if we crossed her. Things like choosing to get MY dd haircut would result in her saying to dd "we will smack mummies bottom if she does that again won't we?"

Current mil is generally ok but has been known to make the odd shitty comment. Things like "dgs always behaves better when your not there" or if i mention dh has been decorating "why aren't you helping him?" (Because we have a toddler who needs looking after mil!!) She really hurt me when ds was around 4 and I worked tt only. I asked fil who's retired (but in his fifties) if he would have ds a couple of days in summer hols so I could get some jobs done and to give me a break/give ds time with fil. All arranged then at last minute mil announced it wasn't fair that only I benefited from the babysitting so fil wouldn't be doing those days but instead they would do a weekend so dh could get a break.

Flutterby10 · 29/10/2023 07:28

So many comments. I guess @CurlewKate someone is entirely free to do so but unfortunately it’s not my experience. I guess it could say “ I can’t believe my DIL asked my darling son to change a nappy in front of me in my house...I mean how dare she, my poor poor son is being abused”.

OP posts:
ThelmaBorden · 29/10/2023 07:33

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 03:32

I'd love to know what would happen if someone started a thread called "Worst daughter in law comments-go on, join me in my misery lol!"

Gransnet is the site for that, also describing the controversy when beleagured, separated, divorced DiL moves away to a place of safety, physically and mentally, with grandchildren, the threats, implied or substantiated, come to the fore.

That their son was abusive, and they didn’t see much of their gc anyway, were rude and dismissive to/of their DiL seems to pass them by.
Plenty of bleating goes on, when the obviousness of their situation is staring them in the face - that they were part of the problem is always denied
Overbearing MiL is such a cliche still unrecognised by many, DiL is saving herself and children, you have only your pigeons coming home to roost.

A few of the MiL mentioned here sound obsessive, deranged, weirdly competitive, some provide a mental picture of clinging to her son’s legs whilst he is trying to walk into adulthood, denying independence, agency, room for growth as adults, parents, unable to accept the shift which perpetuates the species! some are spiteful, hateful, some sound clinically insane.

Jealousy can account for much of what is described here, not that this knowledge is enlightening enough to deflect malicious comments, which are best ignored -
insouciance is your protection - think - she’s just showing herself up

Parents who hold back the natural life cycle of a son do them injustice - what happened to ‘A son is a son until he takes a wife’
Always respect the wife, know your position now, stay within the confines of manners and goodwill, keep harsh comments unspoken, or be prepared to accept consequences.

Flutterby10 · 29/10/2023 07:35

I also think it’s different as the MIL is already a part of the family. The DIL is joining an already formed family and it’s awful to not be made part of it.

OP posts:
Ringadinga · 29/10/2023 07:55

Ringadinga · 28/10/2023 17:38

To my soon to be DH 2 weeks before the wedding, 'You're making the worst mistake of your life', our wedding day crying because he was, 'paying more attention to me than her', 3 years in, waited until I left the room then slipped him the details of a great divorce lawyer she'd got her friend to give her as her son had just divorced. When my DH pointed out that my mum was happy for us she answered, 'well of course SHE is, look what she's getting in the family and what I'm getting'.
10 years later on holiday together the receptionist at the hotel actually came round the counter and hugged me because she felt sorry for me having 'a MIL like that, and I seemed lovely'. No idea what was said!

25 years on and she finally thinks I'm fabulous, took a good 15 years to change her mind though. Now we get on fine and she absolutely denies any of the above ever happened.

Just to quote myself and then answer a few things.
How did my DH deal with this? He shut her down, quietly and calmly everytime. 'I'm sorry you think that, I don't agree', 'That's not true' or ending the phone call.
I also grey rocked any bitchy comments. Was polite but not involved when she visited.
Her plus points? She is an amazing granny, she never used the kids as a weapon, never over stepped the mark with them, genuinely loves and wants the best for them. I would leave the kids with her over my own mum if I ever had an emergency.
In the last few years I've had, 'He's lucky to have you, you know' and the best was, 'If he cheats you chuck him out, you keep the house, take him for everything he's got'. I'm sure I could read things into that comment if I could be arsed but I'm taking it on face value!

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 08:08

@SurprisedWithAHorse "Are you also one of those posters who is constantly enraged that a community formed mainly of women centres women's views and interests?"
Absolutely not. In fact I am frequently vocal that it is not- that men on Mumsnet get a depressingly easy ride . And that there is far too much stereotyping of women-particularly older women. Some human beings are shit. Some human beings behave badly. Some MILs are shit. But some DILs are too. And MILs are the only group of women on here who are NEVER given any slack.

SocksOfMagic · 29/10/2023 08:10

knowing I was pregnant with my first she said ‘there’s nothing like a woman’s own daughters children’ … and yes as the grandkids all grew up, we noted the preferential treatment including multiple photos of my children’s cousins and only one of my own kids. My eldest used to joke about the photos but it was a nail in the coffin relationship wise.

accusing me of steeling her foot pumice from her bathroom.

in the early days, sat In her lounge I got my hand cream out of my bag to use and she immediately pelted upstairs at top speed to her bedroom sideboard to check I hadn’t stolen her hand cream (identical). I quickly followed her up the stairs (wondering if there was an emergency) and then could literally see how her brain was working. I was speechless.

living at a distance we hadn’t seen her for 6 months and when we finally managed to pop into see her, we arrived an hour early to avoid a serious weather warning (snow). As phone lines were down, we hadn’t been able to let her know. She was furious we were early, no hellos or hugs, just blanked us and the kids, dramatically slammed the fridge door shut and immediately went up to her room. She then returned after 20 minutes as if nothing had happened. My eldest remembers this despite her young age and it really upset her.

Attending Xmas lunch on Boxing Day. We drove from afar and arrived to a surprise adult only meal and nothing for the kids. Her fridge and freezer were laden with huge amounts of festive foods but she made a big point of loading DHs plates up massively in the kitchen, then having the kids sit at the table with empty side plates while he had to off load food items from his plate on to their plates (like you might do with a two year old in a cafe). Even setting a place at the table for the kids had been an issue. I remember being very close to leaving and taking the kids with me but just quietly sat there feeling horrified, unable to move.

On announcing she was coming to visit my newborn, DH asked if she she could come another day as we had already arranged a birthday meal for me with various friends. She opted not to visit my new born at all and only saw her at almost a year old. In the meantime mil had bad mouthed me to her other son who then made a point of saying he wanted to see DH and new born baby but not me. Initially DH agreed with this but then quickly changed his mind when I said he could either piss off and go live live elsewhere or provide them with some fair boundaries. They were very used to DH doing what ever they wanted and so it was a big thing for DH to calmly challenge his behaviour.

Pre kids BIL had held a grudge against the fact I had fun weekend work so was unavailable to socialise at time’s convenient to him. DH was of course perfectly capable of organising his own time with MIL and his brother but I got the blame for lack of coordinating meet ups.

The list goes on and on.

It was only recently (kids being diagnosed) I realised that MIL was autistic too (high functioning Asperger’s in outdated terminology) and have been able to understand her behaviours more. Her over reaction to an early arrival and general inflexibility.

Flutterby10 · 29/10/2023 08:20

@CurlewKate DIL’s turn into MIL’s, they are the same people just different period in life.

OP posts:
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