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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

169 replies

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 08:59

Hi everyone
Need your opinions on a situation that I'm struggling to unpick.

I have a male friend who I've recently reconnected with and we message almost daily spurring each other on with life and kids etc...he expressed previously he wanted more than a friendship and I turned him down nicely and all was fine he understood and we remained friends. For context his landlord is selling his house so he needs to move out, he's on a rolling contract and has a new house lined up ready...we were discussing something relating to this...he had an opinion on it and I had a different opinion to what he was saying.... discussing together over message all very nice and calm not arguing.... we ended the messaging by me saying "I'd get advice from someone In the know and just double check your right because to me I think because you've given a date to leave thats what you need to stick too" he said "thank you don't want to talk about this anymore it's giving me anxiety" so we changed topic and spoke about something else....however his responses became very short and odd....later I asked him what was wrong and he basically said "I thought you'd have my back about the landlord" ...I explained that I have a different opinion to him and thats fine but to treat me differently and become weird with me because of it isn't ok behaviour .... see attached pic

Is this abusive? Is this gaslighting? Is this emotionally abusive? Or am I over reacting?

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:14

sangriapeople · 29/10/2023 09:12

Hate the term gaslighting.

You are ridiculous.

Why do you hate the term gas lighting?

OP posts:
Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:16

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2023 09:13

You. Are. The. Problem. OP

Wow. You seem so unkind. Awful.

Yes I'm beginning to see that thanks 👍

OP posts:
AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 09:16

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:16

Yes I'm beginning to see that thanks 👍

Praise be!

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:18

AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 09:16

Praise be!

I'm obviously very hyper sensitive to any potential red flags or abusive behaviours due to my past experiences.. constantly on the look out and the lines are blurry because of it

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 29/10/2023 09:19

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:16

Yes I'm beginning to see that thanks 👍

👏

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2023 09:20

Actually at @Littlemisslonley i think this is a situation where someone has come in, got an unexpected answer from a resounding majority and is taking that on board.
It’s a really hard thing. I think it’s really good. I wish I had been able to years ago when I had just come away from abuse.
I’m learning every day and hopefully we all get to the point where we can take criticism on (even when it’s a bit obnoxious) and get what we need from it.
i salute you OP!

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:23

As I say I'm obviously hyper alert for any red flags in anyone due to past experiences.

I had a terrible experience of DV with my DDs dad. Sexual abuse from him emotional physical and mental for years before he finally left me alone- breaching restraining orders over and over again etc then I met my ex dp and saw some red flags with how he was with other women but blurred them out until after the 6th time I couldn't cope anymore and gave him the choice to back off from other women in inappropriate ways or we would have to split and he choose split so think that has knocked me back into being hyper alert for any sort of red flags now hence why I saw my chat with my friend as something it maybe isn't...

OP posts:
Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:24

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2023 09:20

Actually at @Littlemisslonley i think this is a situation where someone has come in, got an unexpected answer from a resounding majority and is taking that on board.
It’s a really hard thing. I think it’s really good. I wish I had been able to years ago when I had just come away from abuse.
I’m learning every day and hopefully we all get to the point where we can take criticism on (even when it’s a bit obnoxious) and get what we need from it.
i salute you OP!

Aww thank you so much 💓 that's really kind and lifted me up thanks alot xxx

OP posts:
AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 09:27

I hear you OP

Similar here. However. i have 3 people in the world who 'trigger' me - the unholy triad of arseholes - everyone else is now fine. Mainly as I dont involve myself in their lives to the degree you seem to. I avoid the unholy trinity of arseholes - and carry garlic to keep them at bay ;)

In this instance with the LL/tenancy thing - I would have said - "I dont know mate - get some advice" and left it there. Not argued with them or carried the convo on.

Carrying it on, and involving yourself, creates drama. That isnt yours. So of course it brings up old feelings. Boundaries.

sangriapeople · 29/10/2023 09:29

@Littlemisslonley

I hate the term gaslighting because it's fashionable and used flippantly. 99.9% of the time it's nonsense and used by attention seeking people who for whatever reason are ill-equipped to deal with life.

It detracts from real cases of emotional abuse.

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:48

sangriapeople · 29/10/2023 09:29

@Littlemisslonley

I hate the term gaslighting because it's fashionable and used flippantly. 99.9% of the time it's nonsense and used by attention seeking people who for whatever reason are ill-equipped to deal with life.

It detracts from real cases of emotional abuse.

You make a fair point

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 29/10/2023 09:49

@Littlemisslonley
I came late to the whole thread, and I have lots of sympathy for your past relationship troubles, and I can totally see why it's become a situation where you now overreact to things which affect you emotionally.

However, I think the suggestions people are making about therapy to unpick some of these reactions (&/or potentially you could also read personal development books/ attend non-violent communication training etc) might be helpful to you.

From the screenshots you posted and from your responses here, it feels like you might have more peace in your life if you are able to find a little more space between the trigger and the emotional response to it.

Because what I see is that where someone has disagreed with you in a way that you found less than ideal, you have then counter-attacked and escalated, sometimes also using inflammatory words (your friend, the pp you called "evil").

And when you apologised to your friend, you also kind of "over-apologised" for something which was quite small really, and kept apologising several more times after he'd said it was fine.

So to me it seems like your calibration is a bit off, which is totally understandable given past relationships.

There are many many people in the world with not great communication skills, and also many with not good emotional regulation skills and non-ideal ways of processing their emotions, so learning to differentiate between that kind of "people being off/aggy" and people who are genuinely abusive is important, because you'll come across lots of the former, and it's hard work to have the full emotional rollercoaster of reactions to each one.

Anxiety reducing techniques and meditation can help to give you a bit more of a pause between the trigger and your response, and in that pause you can take a breath and think:
"Am I sure that they meant it in a "bad"way?"
"Were they trying to offer something helpful, (or just cope with their own feelings) and expressed themself badly?"

You can then also think:
"Is my instinctive response going to help the situation here?"
"Is there a more skillful/de-escalating way I could respond which would be better for me?"

And I also want to make sure you have good boundaries and can keep yourself safe for future relationships, so it's likely a good thing to talk these through with a therapist, so you can learn to differentiate. There are plenty of charities for DV survivors who offer counselling, so maybe that might be a place to start?

Good luck.

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:53

AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 09:27

I hear you OP

Similar here. However. i have 3 people in the world who 'trigger' me - the unholy triad of arseholes - everyone else is now fine. Mainly as I dont involve myself in their lives to the degree you seem to. I avoid the unholy trinity of arseholes - and carry garlic to keep them at bay ;)

In this instance with the LL/tenancy thing - I would have said - "I dont know mate - get some advice" and left it there. Not argued with them or carried the convo on.

Carrying it on, and involving yourself, creates drama. That isnt yours. So of course it brings up old feelings. Boundaries.

Haha might get a bag of garlic to try keep me safe!

Yes I should of said that not actually said what I thought because ultimately I didn't really know!

Trying to rebuild my boundaries after my exdp trampled all over them for fun haha and understand others too
Thank you

OP posts:
Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:56

WrylyAmused · 29/10/2023 09:49

@Littlemisslonley
I came late to the whole thread, and I have lots of sympathy for your past relationship troubles, and I can totally see why it's become a situation where you now overreact to things which affect you emotionally.

However, I think the suggestions people are making about therapy to unpick some of these reactions (&/or potentially you could also read personal development books/ attend non-violent communication training etc) might be helpful to you.

From the screenshots you posted and from your responses here, it feels like you might have more peace in your life if you are able to find a little more space between the trigger and the emotional response to it.

Because what I see is that where someone has disagreed with you in a way that you found less than ideal, you have then counter-attacked and escalated, sometimes also using inflammatory words (your friend, the pp you called "evil").

And when you apologised to your friend, you also kind of "over-apologised" for something which was quite small really, and kept apologising several more times after he'd said it was fine.

So to me it seems like your calibration is a bit off, which is totally understandable given past relationships.

There are many many people in the world with not great communication skills, and also many with not good emotional regulation skills and non-ideal ways of processing their emotions, so learning to differentiate between that kind of "people being off/aggy" and people who are genuinely abusive is important, because you'll come across lots of the former, and it's hard work to have the full emotional rollercoaster of reactions to each one.

Anxiety reducing techniques and meditation can help to give you a bit more of a pause between the trigger and your response, and in that pause you can take a breath and think:
"Am I sure that they meant it in a "bad"way?"
"Were they trying to offer something helpful, (or just cope with their own feelings) and expressed themself badly?"

You can then also think:
"Is my instinctive response going to help the situation here?"
"Is there a more skillful/de-escalating way I could respond which would be better for me?"

And I also want to make sure you have good boundaries and can keep yourself safe for future relationships, so it's likely a good thing to talk these through with a therapist, so you can learn to differentiate. There are plenty of charities for DV survivors who offer counselling, so maybe that might be a place to start?

Good luck.

I think your right. I go from 0 to defense and response very very quickly I become emotionally disregulated and up in the air if something happens instantly....I will take all your advice on board and move forward with some sort of help....I am struggling clearly and my lack of support with 2 disabled children doesn't help me find time for any help really but I am sure I could maybe find some online therapy somewhere x thank you

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 10:06

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:07

Thank you for your advice! Yes I think I'm hyper alert for any signs of anything "wrong" and mistook it as somethings its not.

Yeah me and my friend are fine now i apologised for being so blunt with my opinion and stuff and we are fine 🙂

Oh, it’s good to hear that you are both back on track. Well done!!

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 10:12

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:26

Wow your mean arnt you?
I left my ex actually and no I don't do rebound relationships....

I am not mean. Just realistic. You have had several threads about your ex. Crying phonecalls begging him to come back. Be honest with yourself.

It does sound a bit mean, like someone who brings up a situation when you were in a state and not behaving well in order to prove how awful you are. I don’t think that’s ok @StSwithinsDay. We all have our moments. Op doesn’t deserve to be bashed up.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 10:14

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 00:12

I do have several threads your right. And regardless of me leaving him I did at that time still want him to fix things and I broke my heart for hours on the phone to him begging him to fix it. He didn't want to stop messaging other women innapropriatly so it couldn't be fixed. What my past relationship has to do with my friendship is beyond me

I would ignore this, op. We all go through hard times. I wish I could say that I have always behaved well in life but I haven’t - there is even evidence of that here on MN. Let it go.

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 12:07

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 10:12

It does sound a bit mean, like someone who brings up a situation when you were in a state and not behaving well in order to prove how awful you are. I don’t think that’s ok @StSwithinsDay. We all have our moments. Op doesn’t deserve to be bashed up.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 12:08

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 10:14

I would ignore this, op. We all go through hard times. I wish I could say that I have always behaved well in life but I haven’t - there is even evidence of that here on MN. Let it go.

We all make mistakes my love thank you xx

OP posts:
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