Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

[Littlemisslonley]

Hi everyone
Need your opinions on a situation that I'm struggling to unpick.

I have a male friend who I've recently reconnected with and we message almost daily spurring each other on with life and kids etc...he expressed previously he wanted more than a friendship and I turned him down nicely and all was fine he understood and we remained friends. For context his landlord is selling his house so he needs to move out, he's on a rolling contract and has a new house lined up ready...we were discussing something relating to this...he had an opinion on it and I had a different opinion to what he was saying.... discussing together over message all very nice and calm not arguing.... we ended the messaging by me saying "I'd get advice from someone In the know and just double check your right because to me I think because you've given a date to leave thats what you need to stick too" he said "thank you don't want to talk about this anymore it's giving me anxiety" so we changed topic and spoke about something else....however his responses became very short and odd....later I asked him what was wrong and he basically said "I thought you'd have my back about the landlord" ...I explained that I have a different opinion to him and thats fine but to treat me differently and become weird with me because of it isn't ok behaviour .... see attached pic

Is this abusive? Is this gaslighting? Is this emotionally abusive? Or am I over reacting?

have you had any counselling/therapy to help you look at so called red flag behaviour?

it’s hard for people to get it right if they have had abuse childhoods/relationships…

if he was an abuser he would hide his upset in the early stages, wait until you were dependent and. Then when he was upset he would not explain it like this guy has… he would punish you!

sympathies OP it’s hard.

So him going “cold” was via messaging

why don’t you post photo of the exchanges where he is supposedly cold and off with you

It wasn't cold he just messaged differently and I tried to start convo about something else and he replied oddly for him..

Thank you it is hard that's why I came here to see if this is something off or just normal it's a fine line isn't it..... thanks for being nice

Mumsnet is full of dickheads sometimes

Your friend was being totally truthful and reasonable in their responses but you just wouldn't let it drop. I'd say you're the one with issues.

Thank you for your response that helped me clarify xx

Dear lord this poor chap

This is your evidence of him being cold and detached from you?

if I was a friend of this chap, I’d be telling him to run like that wind

YOU are trying to gaslight US op!

example

He asked my advice about the landlord situation and then became cold with me

but then

“It wasn’t cold”

Mumsnet is full of dickheads sometimes

because we didn’t agree with you

oh the beautiful irony

I think you're being over sensitive, and looking for an argument. Leave him be, he's having a tough time and, yes, May have want you to validate his feelings, but you didn't, fair enough. Not sure what's going on with the dream comments tbh. In the best possible way… stop deeping it.

Yeah, it’s you not him.

You come across fine in your second lot of messages but the whole relationship sounds like hard work.

This. A disagreement is not abusive. And please look up what gaslighting actually means before using it. And for what it's worth, people are allowed to feel upset. It's not always rational and you may not agree with it but he felt upset and quite clearly told you why. To me that is actually quite healthy rather than keep you guessing.

I can't see anything cold about his messages. He responded to your voice message about the dream (most people aren't interested in other's dreams). Nothing off about it. He's stressed about the flat issue and didn't want to talk about it any more.
I don't understand why you kept going on about him being off with you. You just wouldn't let it go. He's clearly explained his feeling but you kept going on.
No red flags in his messages.

I feel sorry for your friend, your messages were over the top

It’s very interesting that the op name called us “dickheads” for not agreeing with her. Given her op

Just seen the second set of screenshots. He quite clearly tells you he doesn't want to talk about it anymore as it's giving him anxiety (which is understandable as it's linked to his housing), and you bring it up again the next day. He's not the issue here, OP, you are. He has been very clear in his boundaries and I'm not wanting to talk about it, and he clearly explains why he's upset when you carry on. That is actually a very healthy way of dealing with emotions.

Please take a moment to consider how you would feel at the prospect of losing your home, and having to find somewhere else to live right now. He's right to be upset.

Thanks all for your responses however I didn't come to be slated I asked for advice on if this is possibly gaslighting or nasty behaviours instead I get slated and nasty comments I accept some people opinions are it is me who's gaslighting him/going on about it to him and I accept that.. however mumsnetters being nasty towards me is what I refer to as dickheads because you can tell me that opinion without being nasty about it so if your nasty you are a dickhead ! I'm asking advice about the exchange because I didn't know if it was or wasn't i can see now I'm deffo on hyper alert for any red flag things and I see that now so thank you however everyone when someone asks for advice on something I'd suggest if you want to give your advice don't go at the person asking for advice you can be kind and tell someone your opinion you don't have to be nasty (and a dickhead)

I've spoken to my friend - I have apologised and explained I am clearly on hyper alert for red flags and stuff and I should of been more sympthatic towards him he responded and it's all OK. Thanks for all the input but jesus christ mumnetters stop being so evil going for people who just want advice

@cultureplanet it’s not nice of OP to call you a dick head… but she came here asking for advice and you have told her she is “odd” and that she is trying to gaslight. You don’t get the moral high ground when you are being unkind too.

OP it is not about you, it is about him moving home and his feelings about it.
He asked for support and you were argumentative. I can't see any wrong on his message and a need of attention and be in the right in yours. It was just a disagreement in opinions you don't have to prove anything. I wouldn't give it a second thought if I were you.

I have read the ops photo shots and I find it offensive that she asks whether it’s abusive

and then looking more closely - I honestly feel for this poor chap

The conversation was all in one evening not the next day but I did change the conversation once he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore then he responses became cold and not like him it is all in one evening. Yes I should of been more sympathic to be honest in the landlord thing however it was just my opinion on contacts and not him moving etc however yes I do see now where I went wrong and they went on hyper alert

Thank you

“Evil”

🙄

Thank you!!! Exactly

Trying to say this in a non “dickhead” way @Littlemisslonley but please seek some counselling for yourself to explore these issues before you ruin every relationship or friendship you enter… and remain lonely.