Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

[Littlemisslonley]

Hi everyone
Need your opinions on a situation that I'm struggling to unpick.

I have a male friend who I've recently reconnected with and we message almost daily spurring each other on with life and kids etc...he expressed previously he wanted more than a friendship and I turned him down nicely and all was fine he understood and we remained friends. For context his landlord is selling his house so he needs to move out, he's on a rolling contract and has a new house lined up ready...we were discussing something relating to this...he had an opinion on it and I had a different opinion to what he was saying.... discussing together over message all very nice and calm not arguing.... we ended the messaging by me saying "I'd get advice from someone In the know and just double check your right because to me I think because you've given a date to leave thats what you need to stick too" he said "thank you don't want to talk about this anymore it's giving me anxiety" so we changed topic and spoke about something else....however his responses became very short and odd....later I asked him what was wrong and he basically said "I thought you'd have my back about the landlord" ...I explained that I have a different opinion to him and thats fine but to treat me differently and become weird with me because of it isn't ok behaviour .... see attached pic

Is this abusive? Is this gaslighting? Is this emotionally abusive? Or am I over reacting?

No one has been evil and you haven't been slated. You asked for advice and people told you that you were the one in the wrong here.

You're being weird and ridiculous. Gaslighting? Abusive? Your strange attitude towards him and compartmentalizing him into an "abuser" for being ever so slightly off with you is probably putting him off. If this is what you're willing to show people then behind the scenes no doubt you're a head case and he is rightfully distancing himself

there is not ONE “nasty” “evil” response

Not even close

just support for this poor chap. Which you didn’t want

Blooming heck

Reconnecting someone and becoming friends again via virtual messaging shouldn’t be this fraught!

Huh? This person is just supporting this chap. “Grow up” is neither “nasty” nor “evil”

The very fact you say that poster is “attacking” you for saying that he’s allowed to feel upset and you should grow up - speaks volumes to me

I don’t know why people keep having a go at you OP. There are some fair comments, pointing out it’s not abuse or gaslighting. I am also tired of these words being overused. It looks more like some mismatch of views and irritation - which happens sometimes in some friendships. But when it goes to a contemptuous pile on the posts are clearly nasty. You’ve had a couple of helpful posts though at least. Maybe just stand back and chill from the friendship for a while. Perhaps it’s a friendship that needs to be more casual?

Evil is a serial killer. Or so-called parents beating/neglecting/abusing their child to death. Or genocide. And so on and so forth. Someone saying something you do not like is not evil. Period.

And I don't mean to upset you at all but you need to look in the mirror at your own reactions to things as I don't believe your reaction is normal, the conversation from his side looks very tame and he seems to be sharing feelings with you whilst you are very defensive.

oh OP, this is definitely a you problem.

He is anxious over losing his home so he's bound to be a bit emotional and not wanting to talk about it too much. He'd reached the point of just needing support and sympathy so its good he put in the boundary of changing the subject before it escalated.

Then he said he was watching a film with someone so you carried on texting. Actually not just texting but voice noting!!!! So he had to stop watching the film to listen to you? For fucks sake OP, "being cold" was him trying to watch a film!! I hope next time he doesn't respond until the next day, or would you think that was a problem too?

Kindly, I think you need proper counselling to understand why others putting in boundaries makes you so confused and upset. Good luck

I think a lot of the angry posters telling the OP to grow up etc need to calm down.

You’ve got to let someone be in a mood and not have it be about you, if you truly want to keep friends.
people have moods, and we all go through stuff- and having to hash things out like this any time there’s a tone change is exhausting.

therapy maybe would help with this kind of need for control of others’ feelings, and this hypervigilance.

no, this isn’t gaslighting.

however, seeking to make someone else wrong for their emotions is bordering on harmful behavior (on your part.)

It would be very sad to lose a friendship over this. I don’t think he’s in any way gaslighting or being emotionally abusive.

Y:“That’s not normal”
H:”I think that’s a hurtful thing to say to me”
Y:”No it isn’t”

I agree with you, you’re gaslighting him.

YOU’RE the dickhead in this situation. He’s allowed to feel any way he wants to and you don’t get to tell him he doesn’t feel like that.

“oh OP, this is definitely a you problem.

He is anxious over losing his home so he's bound to be a bit emotional and not wanting to talk about it too much. He'd reached the point of just needing support and sympathy so its good he put in the boundary of changing the subject before it escalated.

Then he said he was watching a film with someone so you carried on texting. Actually not just texting but voice noting!!!! So he had to stop watching the film to listen to you? For fucks sake OP, "being cold" was him trying to watch a film!! I hope next time he doesn't respond until the next day, or would you think that was a problem too?

Kindly, I think you need proper counselling to understand why others putting in boundaries makes you so confused and upset. Good luck”

This, OP. Your tendency to overreact can also be seen from your responses here including suggesting that some of the harsher posts are “evil”. Someone upthread has given examples of what is truly evil. Being harsh on a thread may be unkind or a bit dickish but it is not evil.

There is a difference between being hyper-vigilant and describing small unkindnesses as evil. There is also a difference between hyper-vigilance and making everything about you. Your friend is losing his home and naturally very stressed but in your eyes it’s about how you feel and how he is behaving towards you.

You will alienate people if you continue to respond this way to other people. If you can access therapy, I think it would be very helpful.

Btw, I have suffered anxiety in my time which has got me very stuck in my head and skewed my thinking. I think the way I’m looking at something makes objective sense but it simply doesn’t. I have also sometimes just been a complete arsehole. And there are many things I would differently if I could do them over. So I’m not judging you as a person. But you seem stuck with some very unhelpful ways of looking at things and I don’t think that helps you but therapy could be great for you.

Your last exchange with eachother is lovely and I’m glad you’ve sorted it out and I’m sure you both feel better about the misunderstanding ☺️

I don’t get the pile on either.OP is clearly aware something may be amiss in her response else she wouldn’t have posted. Selfish/unkind sorts don’t tie themselves up in knots over their responses worrying if they have done something wrong. They don’t care.

op clearly cares .worrying about her responses and behaviour and asking for advise and being willing to reflect and say you have been wrong are signs of somebody trying to grow and be a better person. She is growing up!

some people are lucky and get to “grow up” as children, in safe boundary filled loving homes… some don’t and do it as adults……some never bother.

You dragged fhat out for no reason. He felt upset about something. 'Sorry you felt that way' can get you very far in life. Him turning 'off' isnt valid in your opinion but his opinion that you hurt his feelings also isnt valid. You seem a bit argumentitive and please dont use abusive labels on a mild conversation, people are actually being abused so these words shouldnt be thrown around.

You were really pushy about him getting "cold" with you. Did it occur to you he may not in a good mood after thinking too much about the situation, and its not about you at all? Also, "having a different opinion" does not necessarily means "showing no support and compassion". You come across a bit immature.

Honestly....anything someone doesn't like is now abuse😤

TBF, that was a lovely apology you gave him.

But can I suggest that this is getting pretty intense and maybe the two of you need to meet up?

The text convos are getting more and more 'relationship' style and you risk either

• you continue to mis-understand each others true feelings on a matter and you either fall out or drift apart
• it becoming more intimate than you're comfortable with or
• you and he want to get more intimate but you kiss this opportunity to turn this from a text to a real-life relationship

*miss not kiss! #freudian.

Op, it sounds like your perception of your friend going cold triggered you, perhaps this was similar to a way previous abusive partners have treated you?
Anyway you seem to have gained some clarity about it here which is positive. Hugs to you, many of us have unresolved trauma that can make relationships feel confusing and threatening.

Next time just try to listen without reacting or offering comment or advice. See what happens.

I do this with an older relative now. She doesn't want advice. Just wants to moan on repeat about particular issues. When I don't react, she tends to come to her own conclusion that she's going on about ABC and probably needs to do XYZ.

It's interesting but hard because I'm naturally a bit of problem solver but that approach doesn't necessarily work for some friends!

Just pick up the phone. Having disagreements via text just escalates things