Page 6 | Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

Littlemisslonley · 2023-10-28T07:59:33+00:00

Hi everyone Need your opinions on a situation that I'm struggling to unpick. I have a male friend who I've recently reconnected with and we message almost daily spurring each other on with life and kids etc...he expressed previously he wanted more than a friendship and I turned him down nicely and all was fine he understood and we remained friends. For context his landlord is selling his house so he needs to move out, he's on a rolling contract and has a new house lined up ready...we were discussing something relating to this...he had an opinion on it and I had a different opinion to what he was saying.... discussing together over message all very nice and calm not arguing.... we ended the messaging by me saying "I'd get advice from someone In the know and just double check your right because to me I think because you've given a date to leave thats what you need to stick too" he said "thank you don't want to talk about this anymore it's giving me anxiety" so we changed topic and spoke about something else....however his responses became very short and odd....later I asked him what was wrong and he basically said "I thought you'd have my back about the landlord" ...I explained that I have a different opinion to him and thats fine but to treat me differently and become weird with me because of it isn't ok behaviour .... see attached pic Is this abusive? Is this gaslighting? Is this emotionally abusive? Or am I over reacting?

nonmerci99 · 28/10/2023 18:52

??? You seem very defensive. You asked if you are overreacting — IMO, yes, you are. If you are looking for non-reasons to call this man an abusive gas lighter, then I think you should cut him loose. Your feelings toward him and the relationship are not healthy.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/10/2023 19:18

Can I ask what you thought he was wrong about in the first place?

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 20:27

Actually, the way you bullet pointed your answers to my post are quite telling. I'm NOT saying this to be mean.

You seem to hone into the small insignificant parts of posts/texts and getting all upset rather than seeing the bigger picture, you seem to nitpick and over analysethings that aren't actuallythere. As a pp (or two) pointed out you seem rather internally focused and not really looking outwards and seeing how others feel. Maybe that's just you, or maybe that's how your past made you, but either way your friend is stressed and worried but instead of reassuring him/being sympathetic you accuse him of being cold.

I am sorry you feel that your friend let you down, and now mumsnet has, but the common denominator is yourself. Worth asking a therapist why you are feeling that way. I hope they can give you an answer

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 21:33

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 20:27

Actually, the way you bullet pointed your answers to my post are quite telling. I'm NOT saying this to be mean.

You seem to hone into the small insignificant parts of posts/texts and getting all upset rather than seeing the bigger picture, you seem to nitpick and over analysethings that aren't actuallythere. As a pp (or two) pointed out you seem rather internally focused and not really looking outwards and seeing how others feel. Maybe that's just you, or maybe that's how your past made you, but either way your friend is stressed and worried but instead of reassuring him/being sympathetic you accuse him of being cold.

I am sorry you feel that your friend let you down, and now mumsnet has, but the common denominator is yourself. Worth asking a therapist why you are feeling that way. I hope they can give you an answer

Superb post

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 22:05

Jamorjelly · 28/10/2023 18:49

Him.

Not gaslighting or abusive but a bit of a baby for being all low because his friend made a counter point to what he was saying. He needs to toughen up imo.

Show quote history

I do agree to this actually.... thanks for that x

OP posts:

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:06

Are you hoping to have a rebound relationship with him after the last man left you?

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 22:09

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/10/2023 19:18

Can I ask what you thought he was wrong about in the first place?

He has agreed with his landlord to leave his rolling contract on a certain date. His new house isn't going to be ready now for another 2 weeks after this certain date so he wants to stay in current house for another 2 weeks after already agreeing to leave however landlord isn't happy about it and being aggy. His opinion is because landlord didn't ever serve a section 21 he is legally still able to stay in current house for extra 2 weeks my opinion is he agreed to leave by certain date but now will not leave by that date so could be in breach of something if he didn't do as agreed - we left the chat about it all fine he said he will seek advice from his parents who rent houses out and i basically said good idea I know a little about rolling contracts for renting. .. boring I know...bet you regret asking

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 22:15

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 20:27

Actually, the way you bullet pointed your answers to my post are quite telling. I'm NOT saying this to be mean.

You seem to hone into the small insignificant parts of posts/texts and getting all upset rather than seeing the bigger picture, you seem to nitpick and over analysethings that aren't actuallythere. As a pp (or two) pointed out you seem rather internally focused and not really looking outwards and seeing how others feel. Maybe that's just you, or maybe that's how your past made you, but either way your friend is stressed and worried but instead of reassuring him/being sympathetic you accuse him of being cold.

I am sorry you feel that your friend let you down, and now mumsnet has, but the common denominator is yourself. Worth asking a therapist why you are feeling that way. I hope they can give you an answer

I bullet pointed because it's easier to make sure I don't miss anything as I'm using my phone not my laptop and my dd was at the time having a wild 5 minutes.

I did reassure him during the day we spoke alot about it and I was sympathetic towards him and the situation all day we spoke about it back and forth and I was assuring him he has a new house lined up and everything will slot into place blah blah blah then he asked for my opinion on the situation with current house I openly said I don't know much about rolling contracts but my opinion didn't match his basically when our opinions didn't match I noticed a change in him in the way he messages so asked him why he was off. I didn't just go striaght into my opinions or thoughts we chatted about it all alot during the day. But I will take your comment into consideration I'm not a very sympathetic person and I love to help someone solve a problem however in this instance for him to change towards me because I didn't agree make my heckles rise I guess!
Thank you for your input x

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 22:16

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:06

Are you hoping to have a rebound relationship with him after the last man left you?

Wow your mean arnt you?
I left my ex actually and no I don't do rebound relationships....

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 22:18

@AutumnFroglets should of read I am a sympathetic *

Using my phone again !

OP posts:

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:26

Wow your mean arnt you?
I left my ex actually and no I don't do rebound relationships....

I am not mean. Just realistic. You have had several threads about your ex. Crying phonecalls begging him to come back. Be honest with yourself.

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 00:12

I do have several threads your right. And regardless of me leaving him I did at that time still want him to fix things and I broke my heart for hours on the phone to him begging him to fix it. He didn't want to stop messaging other women innapropriatly so it couldn't be fixed. What my past relationship has to do with my friendship is beyond me

OP posts:

cultureplanet · 29/10/2023 05:13

He is absolutely correct OP

the fact he agreed to a date means squat all if the landlord didn’t abide by the law.

He could argue he wasn’t aware of his legal rights when he agreed to a date.

The law supersedes a “gentlemen’s agreement” between the ll and tenant

so basically you gave him duff advice

cultureplanet · 29/10/2023 05:19

Another of OP’s threads. Pretty much same response from posters. And then same response from OP back to them as on this thread

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 05:24

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 00:12

I do have several threads your right. And regardless of me leaving him I did at that time still want him to fix things and I broke my heart for hours on the phone to him begging him to fix it. He didn't want to stop messaging other women innapropriatly so it couldn't be fixed. What my past relationship has to do with my friendship is beyond me

Ha! So i was right!!!!!!!

NigelFaragesTinyConscience · 29/10/2023 06:11

I think it sounds like you are leading him in. You act like a gf, getting testy when he pulls away. With my friends I would never dream of asking about 'pulling away' etc and then having a go.

you want him to act like a friend but have a go like a girlfriend. Stop leading him on or just act like a friend without all the drama.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 07:02

From that exchange I would say that your friend feels that you are being harsh rather than supportive. They needed support and sympathy from you and instead you gave them advice. In a situation like this it isn’t about “having an opinion” it is about supporting your friend through a difficult time and keeping your opinion to yourself. So, on the evidence provided I agree with your poor friend. Being uprooted from your home is the worst experience. All you need to do in this situation is to be a warm sympathetic friend.

From the texts you sent it looks as though you made the whole issue about you (I am entitled to an opinion) rather than really listening to what your friend was saying.

I hope you can repair this. Friends are not that easy to find these days.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 07:04

By the way, I don’t know why but I thought it important to respond to you without reading other posts. I didn’t want to be influenced but to be very honest with you. I didn’t think other pp’s would think the same as me. Now glimpsing at responses to your posts I am glad I did didn’t read their posts.

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:07

Ramalangadingdong · 29/10/2023 07:02

From that exchange I would say that your friend feels that you are being harsh rather than supportive. They needed support and sympathy from you and instead you gave them advice. In a situation like this it isn’t about “having an opinion” it is about supporting your friend through a difficult time and keeping your opinion to yourself. So, on the evidence provided I agree with your poor friend. Being uprooted from your home is the worst experience. All you need to do in this situation is to be a warm sympathetic friend.

From the texts you sent it looks as though you made the whole issue about you (I am entitled to an opinion) rather than really listening to what your friend was saying.

I hope you can repair this. Friends are not that easy to find these days.

Thank you for your advice! Yes I think I'm hyper alert for any signs of anything "wrong" and mistook it as somethings its not.

Yeah me and my friend are fine now i apologised for being so blunt with my opinion and stuff and we are fine 🙂

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:09

cultureplanet · 29/10/2023 05:19

Another of OP’s threads. Pretty much same response from posters. And then same response from OP back to them as on this thread

Yes that was my response as the OP didn't read my post and assumed I told my now ex dp that he couldn't have female friends which wasn't the case I asked him to back off from a certain female friend not that he couldn't have female friends that's ridiculous...

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:10

cultureplanet · 29/10/2023 05:13

He is absolutely correct OP

the fact he agreed to a date means squat all if the landlord didn’t abide by the law.

He could argue he wasn’t aware of his legal rights when he agreed to a date.

The law supersedes a “gentlemen’s agreement” between the ll and tenant

so basically you gave him duff advice

Which Is why I told him I don't know much about rolling contracts and to ask his parents who actually rent houses out and go with what they said... he asked for my opinion but as I told him i wasn't 100% sure! I'm glad legally he is safe for the 2 weeks he needs!

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:11

NigelFaragesTinyConscience · 29/10/2023 06:11

I think it sounds like you are leading him in. You act like a gf, getting testy when he pulls away. With my friends I would never dream of asking about 'pulling away' etc and then having a go.

you want him to act like a friend but have a go like a girlfriend. Stop leading him on or just act like a friend without all the drama.

I've never thought of that before! I think me and my friends male and or female have a very close relationship however with this friend who has always said he wanted more maybe we can't be that close and open due to this
I'm going to take that on board. Thank you

OP posts:

sangriapeople · 29/10/2023 09:12

Hate the term gaslighting.

You are ridiculous.

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 29/10/2023 09:13

AnthonyMontana · 29/10/2023 05:24

Ha! So i was right!!!!!!!

Show quote history

Right about my posts of my ex yes you were? We split around 14 ish weeks ago now. However my friend isn't lined up for a rebound relationship...I don't see him in that way but he's a great friend and I value him as one

OP posts:

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2023 09:13

You. Are. The. Problem. OP

Wow. You seem so unkind. Awful.