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Original poster

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please

169 replies

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 08:59

Hi everyone
Need your opinions on a situation that I'm struggling to unpick.

I have a male friend who I've recently reconnected with and we message almost daily spurring each other on with life and kids etc...he expressed previously he wanted more than a friendship and I turned him down nicely and all was fine he understood and we remained friends. For context his landlord is selling his house so he needs to move out, he's on a rolling contract and has a new house lined up ready...we were discussing something relating to this...he had an opinion on it and I had a different opinion to what he was saying.... discussing together over message all very nice and calm not arguing.... we ended the messaging by me saying "I'd get advice from someone In the know and just double check your right because to me I think because you've given a date to leave thats what you need to stick too" he said "thank you don't want to talk about this anymore it's giving me anxiety" so we changed topic and spoke about something else....however his responses became very short and odd....later I asked him what was wrong and he basically said "I thought you'd have my back about the landlord" ...I explained that I have a different opinion to him and thats fine but to treat me differently and become weird with me because of it isn't ok behaviour .... see attached pic

Is this abusive? Is this gaslighting? Is this emotionally abusive? Or am I over reacting?

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
OP posts:
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5
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:47

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 09:45

“Evil”

🙄

It is evil. To go at someone who's asking for advice on something they clearly are muddled about and finding hard thats evil

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:48

I see that you have messaged him about it. It seems like you got an idea in your head (that he was being off with you) and really hammered your point home to the extent that you told him his behaviour wasn't normal. It's like you weren't willing to let him have his own feelings about things or express them in his own way.

I get the hyper aware thing. If this is an issue in other areas/relationships it it worth looking into some counselling to help you better understand your reactions to things.

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 09:49

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:47

It is evil. To go at someone who's asking for advice on something they clearly are muddled about and finding hard thats evil

Show quote history

No OP it is not “evil”

show me a message on this thread that is “evil”. Just one

Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:50

Do you see the parallels between your friend asking for advice and you turning it into a grilling about being off with you? Genuine question.

(Referring to you saying cultureplanet is 'evil'.)

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:55

Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:48

I see that you have messaged him about it. It seems like you got an idea in your head (that he was being off with you) and really hammered your point home to the extent that you told him his behaviour wasn't normal. It's like you weren't willing to let him have his own feelings about things or express them in his own way.

I get the hyper aware thing. If this is an issue in other areas/relationships it it worth looking into some counselling to help you better understand your reactions to things.

Yeah your right...thank you

Feel like I do need some counselling about my reactions to things I think I'm abit muddled about it all due to life events and my childhood maybe? I don't know. Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:57

I do get it, BTW. It's like a security thing. You sense something is off and your own reaction makes you over anxious and it spirals. It is hard on you but can also be hard on the people around you.

beastlyslumber · 28/10/2023 09:57

He told you he was feeling anxious.

You then bombarded him with messages and expected him to act normal, despite him telling you he was anxious

When he explained his feelings, you told him he wasn't normal.

I don't think he's the problem here, OP.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:58

Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:50

Do you see the parallels between your friend asking for advice and you turning it into a grilling about being off with you? Genuine question.

(Referring to you saying cultureplanet is 'evil'.)

Edited

I thought we had moved on from the advice thing as he didn't wanna speak about it anymore so I changed topic later on in the evening but he was obviously still upset I didn't agree with him... thats where I felt like it could possibly be off behaviour because if I'd of agreed with him he wouldn't be off because I didn't agree he was off however I see I'm hyper alert so I can see some sort of parallel

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:58

Thesheerrelief · 28/10/2023 09:57

I do get it, BTW. It's like a security thing. You sense something is off and your own reaction makes you over anxious and it spirals. It is hard on you but can also be hard on the people around you.

Yes I think that's what's happened actually

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 28/10/2023 09:59

beastlyslumber · 28/10/2023 09:57

He told you he was feeling anxious.

You then bombarded him with messages and expected him to act normal, despite him telling you he was anxious

When he explained his feelings, you told him he wasn't normal.

I don't think he's the problem here, OP.

This.

And this is why I never "clarify" things with people who matter by text.

Gazelda · 28/10/2023 09:59

I can't see a single nasty, evil or dickhead post to you OP.

I'm pleased you and your friend are back on track.

But perhaps you should consider that your 2 previously abusive relationships have had a longer term effect on how you interact with others, and how you see abuse that isn't there. Either counselling or time might help.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:00

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 09:49

No OP it is not “evil”

show me a message on this thread that is “evil”. Just one

Show quote history

See it from my point of view I've come for advice about something I'm muddled about. I've been slated and gone at...How's that not evil?

I would go through and show you the nasty comments however your input is clearly an argumentative one and I haven't come here for a row. I've come here for advice on a situation where I was unsure

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 10:00

This one is on you OP.

LightSpeeds · 28/10/2023 10:00

How about just apologise for upsetting him when he's already stressed and worried. That's what friends do!

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:01

Jifmicroliquid · 28/10/2023 09:03

I feel sorry for your friend. Grow up.
He’s allowed to feel upset about something.

This is a nasty post the first line....clearly an attack

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:04

I have apologised to my friend
He apologised too but I'm not sure why

For those who think I'm horrible to him here's the proof

Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
Friend is possibly gaslighting/emotionally abusive help me unpick this please
OP posts:
Wish44 · 28/10/2023 10:05

I understand the hyper vigilant behaviour. I had it a bit following some abuse. I have a couple of friends in real life who I know have good boundaries/ self esteem. I know they make good life/ relationship choices. So I run things by them if when I need to… do you have anyone in your life who fits the bill?

DoratheFlora · 28/10/2023 10:05

I have a tendency to give advice. It gets me into trouble because people generally want sympathy rather than advice,

Is he normally a bit needy? Perhaps you're not a good match?

My best friend's communication style is very similar to mine but she gives better advice! She's one of the few people I know who listens to what you say, thinks about it and suggests a good solution or different way of thinking of it. I pay her in wine....

Wish44 · 28/10/2023 10:08

😂 reciprocity!

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:08

Wish44 · 28/10/2023 10:05

I understand the hyper vigilant behaviour. I had it a bit following some abuse. I have a couple of friends in real life who I know have good boundaries/ self esteem. I know they make good life/ relationship choices. So I run things by them if when I need to… do you have anyone in your life who fits the bill?

Thank you for this advice..I do and I don't have that sort of people around to be honest I think ill have to do some counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:10

DoratheFlora · 28/10/2023 10:05

I have a tendency to give advice. It gets me into trouble because people generally want sympathy rather than advice,

Is he normally a bit needy? Perhaps you're not a good match?

My best friend's communication style is very similar to mine but she gives better advice! She's one of the few people I know who listens to what you say, thinks about it and suggests a good solution or different way of thinking of it. I pay her in wine....

She sounds great can I borrow her? Haha

I'm like you I think I should give more sympathy less advice. He is needy in way and not in others I think I need to change tact

OP posts:
fairydust11 · 28/10/2023 10:11

Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 09:05

He asked my advice about the landlord situation and then became cold with me because I disagreed is my point and because I didn't agree with him he became weird with me is that not a sign ?

From reading the messages, he is off with you, because he is obviously upset?
In my opinion there is nothing to unpick.
If you genuinely think he is gaslighting you, stop messaging him, it may be the best thing for both of you.

Puffalicious · 28/10/2023 10:12

Evil is a massive word. Evil? Are you quite sure. No-one's been nasty either. I too think you should grow up. Doesn't make me nasty or evil. Jeez.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:13

fairydust11 · 28/10/2023 10:11

From reading the messages, he is off with you, because he is obviously upset?
In my opinion there is nothing to unpick.
If you genuinely think he is gaslighting you, stop messaging him, it may be the best thing for both of you.

Show quote history

To be honest I wasn't sure if it was a normal exchange or gaslighting or abusive or anything I'm muddle with the line and where the line is clearly so I came here for advice and got slated I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 28/10/2023 10:14

Puffalicious · 28/10/2023 10:12

Evil is a massive word. Evil? Are you quite sure. No-one's been nasty either. I too think you should grow up. Doesn't make me nasty or evil. Jeez.

I feel telling someone to grow up is nasty....its not nice is it? Its not middle ground it's nasty in my opinion and cruel when all I was asking for is some advice on something I was unsure about

OP posts: