What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

SM< I know we've talked about similarities in our situations, but I have to agree with Aloha here: your DH is a crazed control freak. If you are seriously worried about his reaction to a slight change in the appearance of your tree, you cannot live with this man, never mind expect your children to grow up in fear of him.

My DH can also be very very strange and scary, but at least it's only when he's in a rage and not on an every day, anything-could-set-him-off kind of way. So far.

Please, please promise me you'll see a solicitor in january? Come on, we can do it together...

I know aloha.
I guess that I have almost accepted this as normal(ish), as I have lived like this for so long.
He is very house proud & a lot of people think I am lucky to have a man that cleans up etc, but I would rather have an un tidy one anyday.
He likes everything to look good, to the point where all the presents under our tree had to be wrapped in colours to match the decorations.

Please, accept Lulupop's offer. I think your children (and you - definitely you too) deserve to live in peace and free from fear. Please, it's really NOT normal to live the way you do. Your husband is mad.

I will take action in the new year lulupop.
Through mumsnet, I have started to realise just how bad things really are.

And seriously, have you seen Sleeping With The Enemy? It's your life - only with children

Yes I did watch it years ago, but had never thought of it like that

Oh, and I think the 'houseproud' thing is a bit of a red herring. What he is doing is controlling - his environment, his kids and you. And he is controlling by fear and bullying. If it wasn't about the house, it would be about something else. What he gets off on is frightening you and making you do what he wants you to do.

I guess you could be right there.
I suppose that I have often thought that I was to blame (I am not the tidiest!) & he often reminds me of how 90% of our arguments are related to how untidy I am.
You sort of end up feeling that you are to blame.
It is the damage this could do to my children that upsets me the most

I also think at times, that he feels secure in that I will not leave him, because I rely on him financially & we have children together.

90% of your arguments are related to how untidy you are because that's how he controls you. He picks on tiny, mad things and goes completely ballistic. If he wasn't so frightening, 90% of your arguments would be about how mad, unreasonable and frightening he was...but because he scares you, he gets to pick the argument, doesn't he? It's bullying.
The stuff you have posted here absolutely chills me to the bone. Normal people don't notice that a ball has fallen from the Christmas tree. Or if they do, they just hang it back up again. If he calls that 'untidy' then of course he can bully you about untidyness all day long, every day of the week. You are an easy target for him because he insists his absolutely insane world view is normal - it ISN'T. I promise you it isn't. And anyway, it's not about being tidy, it's about controlling you. And it works, doesn't it? I feel very angry with him to be honest.

He will still have to support you and the children even if you divorce. I know you rely on him financially and I know you are scared of leaving him but try to envisage a life without him, where you can be a little untidy and live without fear and your children aren't frightened either... really try to imagine it. I bet it feels good. Now imagine living the way you do for the next five, ten years. Imagine all the times your children will be frightened, how often you will experience panic and fear. How it isn't getting any better...

SM - My Xp was never so prissy. He'd get pissed off if the washing up wasn't done, but 99% of the time he didn't notice cos he never went into the kitchen. No reason to when he instructed me to get/do everything for him... You know i even used to cut his toe nails and wash his hair when he was in the bath. He'd call me to come and do it. And i did as i was told. If i ever argued with him about anything he would tell me to "do as i was told", like a child. Same problem different angle i suppose.

I just look forward to that first time you feel free for you. The first time that he comes to see your new home with your boys, or once you have rearranged the house the way you like it, and he sees mess! I wish i could see you holding your head up saying "oh well, kids will be kids!" While he gently simmers but YOU DON'T CARE! Makes me smile to think about it, cos it's a great feeling. .

I know what you mean about the children, and the effect on them. My main reason for leaving (i think i've told you this before) was because i didn't want my son growing up thinking this was normal.

Off i go again! I just... i know that you need to hear it. You need to hear over and over again that you can do it and to pull your strength. Especially when presented with gifts for "putting up with him". My xp used to buy me something each payday, without fail, didn't make the rest of the month ok though.

You know what my best moment was.. I was agruing with xp on the phone. He was being ridiculous about something or another. And while he was ranting and raving it suddenly dawned on me.. I took a deep breath and said "You know what xxxxx, I don't have to listen to this." And I hung up. Then took my son to the park!

I never argue with my dh either pt. I don't dare confront him when he is angry & know that I would not get anywhere if I did.
How long did you put up with it before you decided that enough was enough?

Just to echo what everyone else has said, your husband is a nasty, manipulating bully and you should not have to live in fear as you do. I'm afraid it's up to you though; it doesn't sound as though he will change so you will have to take steps to remove him from your life, or spend the rest of it wishing you had done so. See a solicitor, get advice and get him out. Good luck and I hope that 2005 brings you peace and happiness.

I am now starting to realise just how wrong things are in my house & if there are no improvements, will be seeing a solicitor in the new year.

I haven't got any useful advice to offer, sm, but I just want to send you my love and hugs and hope you can begin to see a different life for you and your precious boys without fear and uncertainty. I know it must seem like such a huge and terrifying step to take but life can be so wonderful. You're all in my thoughts xx

Thankyou
It is the definatly a huge & terrifying decision to have to make.
I know that most people in my situation would have probably left long ago, but I have not been strong enough.

I have to say this. I am sorry if it offends, but it needs to be said.

I work in a nursing home. In this home, there lives a manipulative, bullying, violent man.

When he first came to us, I chanced upon a conversation with his wife, and I casually mentioned his rage filled tantrums that happen when we casually inform him that he has NOT got the right to hit us, whatever he may think.

She broke down into tears, and admitted to me that he had been like that for all their married life, that when he was no longer able to hit her (he couldn't catch her), he would call the family on the telephone and publicly berate her. If her voice was too loud, if his tea was too sweet, if his plate was too hot, if his bath was too cold.
She spent 50 years waitng for him to die, and finally she has made him get out of her life, by admitting to tha SS that she is no longer physically capable of looking after him.

So, she has her life back, but at what cost? She is 75, at an age when most people are however rude they feel like being, and she is the sort of person who would apologise if you punched her on the nose.

Please don't be this women. She does exist, she is a real person. You can find the strength not to be her.

And the man? He has never changed at all, but we are not frightened of him, we simply have a duty of care.

colditzcolditzcold - That story is so

Stressedmummy, I've just read this thread from beginning to end and I'm so desperately sad for the situation you're in and so hopeful that you'll find the courage to get out of it in the New Year.

I just wanted to say one thing (everything else has been covered admirably by wiser MNers than I) - you worry that your children will suffer through not having a father around, but you say that your H is like he is because his father was the same. Please don't let this pattern repeat itself with your DSs hun. They need to be away from this controlling and violent influence (even if he 'rarely' hits them, he still hits them - and the shouting and smashing things is absolutely terrifying) - you're their mummy and you need to see what's best for them and act upon it.

WandR has given you some fantastic advice, as have many others on here - please please act upon it. What you describe is NOT a normal relationship, far from it. You deserve happiness, and so do your children. Your children can't have it unless you find the resolve - make it your New Year's Resolution that you won't allow them to live in fear for a moment longer than is strictly necessary.

Big hugs and lots of courage to you hun xxx

I will echo hunkermunker. Why worry about the lack of a father's influence when the father in question has no concept of how to behave? He is terrifying you and your children - that's an influence you could do without.

My parents divorced when I was about ten. A while after my mother met another man who, at first, appeared quite the prospective stepfather. We moved to a big house in the country and set about our new lives. Only problem was he wasn't a good stepfather, husband or father to the child he and my mother went on to have. He was your husband's double. And when all the screaming and smashing things became so commonplace we barely batted an eyelid he decided to batter my mum instead.

To cut a long story short, we eventually gave up all hope that he would change back to the nice guy he had once been and packed up and left. I will never forget the feeling of elation that swept over me as we drove away. We had no idea what life would bring, but we all knew that it couldn't be as bad as the life we had left behind. Admittedly, he wasn't my father - but he was my sister's... and while she undoubtedly loves him, she thinks he's a twat too.

PS: My mother has been happily married to a wonderful man for about fifteen years now. He has been the best "father" that any of us has had, despite not being a blood relation. He has been a guiding influence for my younger sister - and, indeed, to the rest of us despite the fact that we were all young adults by the time the two of them got together.

Life can get better.

I realise that now, if things don't change (which I can't see them doing for long) that we must get out of this scary relationship.
Up until now, I used to think that if he ever hit or hurt me, that I would leave straight away.
I now (through all your comments) realise that he is being abusive enough with the way he scares us.
My boys mean the world to me & I do not want them growing up in a scary, un natural environment.

SM - I'm glad that you have made the decision to leave!

However, the time of leaving can be the most dangerous of times with unpredictable consequences. You therefore need to plan your exit from his life with extreme caution.

JudgeFounce has said that you will have grounds to remove this man from your home and I think you need to talk to a solicitor very soon to start putting this in place.

I think it would be wise to at least find out what refuge/places of safety there are where you could flee should things get very nasty. It needs to be somewhere that he would not think of should he come after you.

I do fear that things could turn ugly and want you to prepare for this in both practical and legal terms.

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