StressedMummy - first of all {{{hugs}}}, i really hope you realise that you have already come a very long way. Have a long think about the woman you used to be ... And the woman you want to be... Forget what this evil man has done to you, just use what you have learned to make you stronger. I can't remember who but someone has already said, don't worry about your sons growing up away from their Dad, he is clearly no good for them. This is the decision i had to make. I didn't want my son to grow up in a family were this behavior, smashed doors and hours of mummy crying, was considered normal. You know somewhere in your heart that you do deserve better, but you need to really believe it, i can see that. I can understand your reluctance to throw him out, it's far scarier than taking the kids and packing your own bags. Taking control of yourself and children is one step, taking control of him... well i can understand fully why you find this much harder. But the facts are there and w&r is right to say that legally, all is in your favour. You talk about finding the strength to leave, a feeling i know too well. It's very difficult to learn to think for yourself when you have been doing every thing to keep this man "stable" for years. I worked as a childminder when i separated from my xp. So he HAD to be the one to go. Because i worked at home. He used to get really angry if there were still any children there when he got home, he'd ignore them even their parents and go upstairs, then ignore me all night. Then when he did speak he'd say that i couldn't do my job properly because the children should be gone and toys tidied away when he got home and "what's for dinner". I made excuses for his behaviour all the time. That first time i was alone I spent a night and a day crying. Then, next day, took control again. Beleive me when you do this it will feel amazing! i spent the next month doing all the thing I liked. Took Ds to see so many relatives, caught up with my friends, i even enjoyed the food shopping! The feeling of walking into the supermarket and thinkng "RIGHT! What do I fancey?!" where as before it was all about what HE liked. My point is that i started to remember who i was, and my life totally changed. I can't wait for you to know how this feels SM. Independence, freedom, it really feels like an awakening of some kind. You deserve to have this. It is a hard road but, while being realistic, you need to focus on what's good about it.
The facts are that you will never be out on the street. Between benefits and housing (if it does come to this) you WILL have a roof over your and your sons heads. I'm going to make a suggestion, Anorak was right to say plan plan plan. Make a list (keep it safe), do:
:Calculations of your earnings
:How much help you'll be intitaled to
:A list of temporary places to stay (unless you can get him to go)
:Sources that can help you
You can contact a lone parent advisor at your job centre, (not to be under-estimated). Some one else also said "arm yourself with information". That is exactly what i mean. I used to write countless lists on my finances and look up information for lone parents, until i finally convinced myself that i could cope.
And MN will always be here for you.
I know iv'e gone on... I just listen to you and hear myself a few years ago...
Chat about old times with friends from before H was in your life. It might help to remind you of who your are, help you to get that strength you need. once again {{{hugs}}}.
You have already made your choice, all you need to do now is prepare. .