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Original poster

I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

140 replies

LizardOfOz · 25/10/2023 23:50

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children.

My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages.

I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy.

Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 26/10/2023 00:23

Yes. It’s probably the main reason I don’t have kids of my own. She clearly hated being a mother and regretted getting married and having a child.

TheHawkisHowling · 26/10/2023 00:26

Yes. I know my mother found it very stressful. It didn't suit her personality at all.

I can remember occasions where she tried her best but I also remember far too many comments she made about wishing I hadn't been born or that I was ruining her life.

She also left my siblings and me to our devices far too much.

Findyourneutralspace · 26/10/2023 00:27

Yes absolutely and it’s affected my own parenting. I’m not denying that parenting is hard work but I can’t remember a time my mum enjoyed it. I’ve struggled too but I hope my children don’t feel they were a burden to me:

theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 00:28

Yes, certainly from 8 up.

It just doesn’t suit some people, and there was very little understanding of why, which makes it hard to know how to do better.

TinyRebel · 26/10/2023 00:28

Yes. My parents only decided to have kids once they been married for 11 years - and I get the impression they had us because they felt they ought to.
I don’t recall any discussions on feelings and emotions, boyfriend breakups, worries etc.
Dinner table discussion centred firmly around the kids they taught. They rarely set foot in the schools I attended.
I didn’t go to university because I didn’t have a clue how it all worked and had no discussions about it at all with my parents. Plus I was quite ill with glandular fever for a long time in sixth form and it went completely unnoticed until I finally dragged myself to the GP - then I completely floundered with my studies.
They took early retirement and decided to move 2.5+ hours drive away when I was 19. I’d just moved back in with them as flat share landlord decided to sell up. They had to formally make me homeless so I qualified for a council flat.
When I escaped domestic violence and landed back on British soil with a toddler and all my worldly belongings, I then had to catch a national express to a nearby town so my father could reluctantly meet my there. They had a large van at the time, in which they used to do epic journeys to their holiday home in a neighbouring country, but not once did it cross their mind to help.
On paper I had a ‘normal’ upbringing, but I can’t actually remember a lot of it. I feel pangs of envy when friends’ parents make a special occasion of birthdays, outings, holidays, shopping trips etc as I don’t think the thought of doing something nice together has ever occurred to my mum.
Have a very distant relationship with my parents now. We see each other a couple of times a year and speak about once or twice a month.
Feel like a right moaner so I never talk about my childhood, but my relationship with my children is completely different to the one I had with my own parents.
It is all rather odd but I think I get what you mean OP.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2023 00:35

Yes, my mum had ptsd after my birth and struggled massively to form any sort of attachment to me to the point of being abusive at times. She was extremely low and suicidal right into my teenage years and the difference in how she treated me and my sister was very obvious. The first time i can remember her hugging me was the day I moved out at 18 and it was because people were watching. For a long time I was really uncomfortable with people hugging me even as an adult.

I've accepted it now for the most part that we're never going to have the type of relationship that I watch my friends have with their mums, but sometimes it upsets me when something big is happening in my life and she doesn't want to know or makes it clear it bores her.

Having my ds actually has felt quite healing in a lot of ways because I'm able to choose to parent in a way that will break that cycle of emotional instability and hurt. I love that he's growing up with lots of love and hugs and warmth and emotional availability and patience and I'm proud of myself for doing the work on myself so I can show up for him in that way.

I will say that in some cases it can be the effect of the 'motherload' and not feeling that as a mum you have the time and support to be able to sit down and bond and play and be warm with your children because you're overwhelmed by everything else. I think that applied to a lot of women of my mums gneration. I feel sorry for those mums because they didn't really get the experience they worked hard to try and create. But in my case my dad did the bulk of our care and is probably why we didn't end up with social services involvement.

Parpadew · 26/10/2023 00:35

Our mums had us before there was honesty about it. Imagine the shock it must have been. And feeling mad because no one else would admit it.

My mum never encouraged me or siblings to have kids and I think that says a lot about her experience (I think she's still happy enough she has us but wouldn't want that life for us,).

HerRoyalNotness · 26/10/2023 00:38

Yep. She should have not had children but she was a stubborn cow so tell her she can’t do something, and she’d do it. 🤷🏽‍♀️ she’s reaping what she sowed now.

similarly I only remember empathy from her once in my life, when I had pneumonia and had to drink a disgusting medicine for it. Otherwise we seemed to inconvenience her life

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/10/2023 00:39

My parents were both abusive, but my mother was very open about how much she hated being a mother. It made her feel stifled and trapped.

My Grandmother also didn't enjoy having to become Mum when we were removed from my parents. She adored us and I had a very close relationship with her (I was the youngest so with her longest), but she wanted to be a Granny and do Granny things not juggle homework and school holidays.

Overthebow · 26/10/2023 00:42

Yes. The last time my mum told me she loved me was when I was 6. I never had proper affection from her, and my dad was indifferent towards me. It’s very telling that I’m an only child, they obviously made a mistake having a child and didn’t want any more. They live in a different country now and I hardly have a relationship with them.

DramaAlpaca · 26/10/2023 00:48

My DM found motherhood really difficult, she didn't enjoy it, or us, at all - but I know she loved us and tried her best. My DF was very distant, he simply wasn't that interested in us. You reap what you sow. They are very elderly now and we aren't at all close, I'm as low contact as I can manage. I am a very different parent to how they were.

bronkie · 26/10/2023 01:14

@LizardOfOz you mention emotional support from mothers. I think this is a very recent phenomenon and it was not common for parents to do so in many cases. I was born in the 1950s and my mum was young - 19 . She had had no emotional support from her parents. People were too busy trying to afford to live and survive - they didn't talk about these things. People in general didn't. They fed and clothed kids and looked after them but emotionally? They loved you but didn't wax lyrical about it. I think for many women in the past motherhood was the end of hoping for a better life. I think that was the case for my Mum pregnant and married at 19.

Curiousthoughts · 26/10/2023 01:44

I find it curious that so many people had such awful experiences, the chances are that the current generation are also having these awful experiences inflicted on the by our generation.

Most of the feelings here show a very simple story of a bad parent. I personally felt my upbringing was complex and feel confused. I feel like I was loved. But some actions that I reflect back on now seem toxic and cruel.

There are a few posts that acknowledge the devastating impact of PND on mothers but most.

Finally, note that people have had things to say about mum but not dad.

It's so easy to dislike someone because of a distant memory. But some of those women are now you or your friends in a few years time

Robotalkingrubbish · 26/10/2023 01:54

My mother once told me that she wished she’d never had children. 😭

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/10/2023 02:13

Finally, note that people have had things to say about mum but not dad.

If the thread was about Dads people would be posting about their Dad and not their Mum

its not like the thread asked for Mum and Dad and everyone is just ignoring the Dads.

hoobanoobie · 26/10/2023 02:34

I feel the same way. I remember at the time never seeing my Aunty hug my cousins and thinking that was weird but really, my mum didn’t hug us much either. She cooked and cleaned and worked but didn’t have any time for any of us that I can ever remember. She never helped with homework, never did anything that wouldn't tick an obvious box.
My childhood is clouded by the physical and mental abuse my sisters and I received at the hands of our father but even when it was really bad she'd lock me in one of their cars on the driveway after promising she'd take me to my grandparents. It was left to me to stand up and take him on to protect her and my little sisters, take the flak and get smacked about. She never had a hand raised to her. But several times, I was on the floor being beaten. She never once even called the police. She only divorced him when she got a better, much younger offer.
It's played out the same way now she's got 5 grandchildren. Unless something directly affects her, it doesn't occur to her to care.

lokimoki · 26/10/2023 04:07

I don't think my mother enjoyed it either. Her whole marriage was consumed with my emotionally and financially abusive narcissistic father and that consumed her a lot. She had children to look after with no family and support whilst living with an abusive husband. She had no patience and tolerance to us. She would always shout, snap and never allowed us to explore as a child in case we got dirty and it would be another chore added to her list. Everything we did was another chore so we were never allowed to do things. We were always dragged along and never spoken to properly like how I would speak to my 4yo having a chat with him.

I have siblings very close in age and interestingly, I have more connection with them than my own mother and the reason being is we entertained ourselves and turned our heads away from my mother maybe because we were never emotionally nurtured by her. I never remember her hugging me or my siblings. I don't blame her, parenting is hard work and when you are consumed by your abusive husband you don't really have much left for your children. I guess she was depressed deep down.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 26/10/2023 04:13

Yeah, my mum found it all a bit of a drag. Which it is, so I don’t really blame her for that.

Myneedycat · 26/10/2023 04:57

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

This post has really made me think. My mother was distant and unloving and definitely depressed my whole childhood. She had good reasons to be unhappy. I also preferred my father who although very difficult and quite abusive at times, very occasionally showed me love. However as you say, my mother did all the ‘grunt’ work. So instead of feeling bitter and angry I should appreciate her for being there day in and day out. My father did very little with or for us.

RenegadeMasterx · 26/10/2023 05:05

My mum loves newborns and young babies. And then you get past 2 years old and she's not interested anymore. My mum never nurtured any of us. Did the bare minimum to bring us up but my dad was actually far more nurturing than my mum and still is. My mums a hard cow. Not sure why she had 4 kids, she didn't have or make time for any of us.

stayathomer · 26/10/2023 05:08

I’ve a lot of great memories of my mum’s parenting but she was very stressed by it and now I’d attribute it to loneliness- sahm, where everything was about the house and kids a few friends but not nearby, and our neighbours were much older/worked, her family far away and no internet/sm to vent. I’m actually more in awe now!

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 05:19

She did her best, with the resources available to her and that is enough.

It is not perfect, but life is not perfect. Your mother isn’t perfect op, nor are you. Acceptance is key. Motherhood can be brutal, the responsibility day after day exhausting.
Have empathy for her plight if she found it hard, you won’t know the full story or the challenges she faced that she didn’t share… it’s not you, it will have been her circumstances at the time. No doubt she did her best.

Mamma2017 · 26/10/2023 05:20

I just came to say how sad I am reading every one of these posts, I’m really sorry to hear these experiences and I hope you have been able to heal /start healing from the pain caused. Sounds like a lot of mothers were depressed and couldn’t deal with motherhood or they were never shown emotional care themselves and didn’t know how to show it to their children (can you have understanding and compassion for this?). Obviously some parents may just have uncaring or abusive or narcissistic personalities.
Either way these things do cause damage or emotional problems and I think it’s important to work through the issues caused ie in counselling or talking to trusted friends/family not to put blame necessarily on your parents but to learn and understand how these behaviours have affected you so you can heal.

cctvrec · 26/10/2023 05:31

My mum only hated being a parent because she's a total narcissist. She was all that mattered and if DSis or I were ever unhappy for example, mum would be mad that WE were only crying to make HER feel bad and we should think about how we were affecting HER.
I always said that if I fell over in the street, instead of helping me up and seeing if I was okay, she'd be far more likely to berate me on trying to embarrass her or some shit like that. She never really cuddled much. In our late primary and early teen years dinner was only made if she was hungry. It was forgotten about if she wasn't and we were told to get something ourselves. Not easy when she also only got groceries in for what meals she was making so the cupboards were often bare. Many a night I had a bowl of microwaved peas and sweetcorn for diner. I wish we could say it was because we were poor. We really weren't. Mum had a lot of very expensive interests. Shame DSis and I had to get our friends hand me downs because mum didn't like spending any money on her children's essentials like clothing.

As a result I'm the best bloody mum i could be. My kids 16, 14 and 11 are our world. It's a happy, loving, cuddly, kissy household with overstocked cupboards and even boxes of food stacked on my kitchen table (I have slight staple food hoarding tendencies as a result of my childhood but it's not a bad thing) and I'm glad for my upbringing. It was a detailed how not to guide on child rearing.