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Original poster

I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

140 replies

LizardOfOz · 25/10/2023 23:50

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children.

My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages.

I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy.

Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 23:29

I found having children really stressful. Its so challenging I every respect. My children are now adults. They have both decided not to have children. I have to say I really respect their decisions

Loubelle70 · 26/10/2023 23:37

My childhood home was dysfunctional. Dad used to leave us for months at a time..he was alcoholic and domestic abuser. Mum used to drink, i can never remember her giving me 1cuddle. She resented us i felt because she was left on her own. It was horrible. As I've gotten older ive realised shes a narcissist, internalised misogynist, sexist and jealous towards other women, attention seeker, attention thief, she has never built me up only disparaged me. I am NC with her now

Biasquia · 26/10/2023 23:43

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

Jesus this hits me. I think my mother was a bit like this. Motherhood was so difficult for her, growing up with her was like growing up in a dictatorship but I think that it was as hard an experience for us as her. She wanted to be a fun person but she really wasn’t. It made her quite narcissistic putting all that pressure on herself about being perfect, competing with her own family, the family image and who we were as a family but in reality there was a lot of shit going on that she would never have handled. My father was completely emotionally unavailable from childhood trauma and undiagnosed ND. It was very difficult but difficult being them too.

Usernamen · 27/10/2023 05:52

Goldbar · 26/10/2023 08:43

We are much more forgiving of shit dads than shit mums.

Are we? I’m NC with mine and have been for years. Everyone I know who had a troubled childhood has reduced/stopped contact with their dad and not their mum (only ever seen NC with mum on MN!).

I would have thought people cut a shit mum more slack than a shit dad, because women are always seen as ‘victims’ of their circumstances whereas men are considered to have more autonomy and therefore must have chosen to be dickheads.

Besides, as has been pointed out by PP, this thread is about mums not dads. You could start an equivalent thread about dads? (I for one would have a lot to say on that!)

Idneverlietoyou · 27/10/2023 12:30

I think we are more forgiving of shit dad's than mum's. Mum's are expected to do so much and are criticised if they don't manage it. They are also held responsible for not having the mental capacity to have a nice loving relationship with their children when dad's not doing their share play a big part in this. I also think that society in general doesn't support mothers, whatever they do is wrong which also doesn't help.
I found it infuriating when my kids treated their dad like he was something special when he did fuck all

orangeblosssom · 27/10/2023 22:06

My maternal grandmother should not have had kids. No choice back then in the 40/50's. No access to contraception. Was physically and emotionally abusive to her kids.

Bluela18 · 28/10/2023 01:06

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 05:19

She did her best, with the resources available to her and that is enough.

It is not perfect, but life is not perfect. Your mother isn’t perfect op, nor are you. Acceptance is key. Motherhood can be brutal, the responsibility day after day exhausting.
Have empathy for her plight if she found it hard, you won’t know the full story or the challenges she faced that she didn’t share… it’s not you, it will have been her circumstances at the time. No doubt she did her best.

This is totally true. Motherhood can be totally exhausting and mentally challenging, it's not always enjoyable and who knows what her exact thoughts/battles were on a daily basis. I think it's never acceptable to be physically abusive or intentionally emotionally abusive. We all say things sometimes we don't mean, we all have shit days and I think a mother who tries her best even if shes not perfect , is a good mum!

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 01:29

Yes abuse aside, no one can ever know in advance their own reaction to motherhood, and the huge responsibility that comes with it. It’s not like you can change it if you feel it isn’t for you.

Expecting a mother to ‘enjoy’ motherhood feels onerous to me, like a weight of expectation because we all struggle at some time or another. We all yearn for at least one carefree day again, and to expect a mother to ‘enjoy’ motherhood with all of its challenges and difficulties, many mothers may feel it’s out of reach and unrealistic. The reality may be very different with financial problems, health and well being issues, relationship demands. marriage problems, poor mental health, poor childhoods and role models, housing conditions and a total lack of support may have been at play as well It can be very lonely for some too. No life is idyllic and perfect.

It’s something about being cared for is ‘not enough’, mothers have to enjoy it as well, even if they don’t at that particular time that feels too much to expect.

Its probably more important to feel loved.

giroux · 28/10/2023 02:11

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Such a profound and articulate post. Thank you.

It resonates for me as both a daughter, and as a single mum.

twinkletoesimnot · 28/10/2023 03:04

I feel sorry for my mum.

We are NC now, and never had the kind of relationship where we could talk openly, so I'll never be able to tell her that.

Her own mum died when she was a teen and her dad was mentally unwell after that. She married my dad to escape from her home life.

He did/ does love her but is a lazy, shit husband but a good dad / grandad.

She had 3 children by her mid 20's, lived rurally, never learned to drive, had little money and I'm pretty sure had PND after my youngest sibling was born.

I know she found me particularly difficult and I think this is because im a lot like my dad and she grew to resent him.

When she left him I was in my late 20's. We had never been close but when she left him it was like she cut me off too - I think because she thought I would ' side' with him. She never asked me, never bothered to keep in contact with me or tried to see my children- the youngest was still a small baby. She regrets that now, 10 years on but I won't let her back into my life as I just don't want the hassle and upset of it all, which is really sad, but I feel like I need to protect myself from his shit she always made me feel.

Honeychickpea · 28/10/2023 03:14

Parpadew · 26/10/2023 00:35

Our mums had us before there was honesty about it. Imagine the shock it must have been. And feeling mad because no one else would admit it.

My mum never encouraged me or siblings to have kids and I think that says a lot about her experience (I think she's still happy enough she has us but wouldn't want that life for us,).

Why would you expect your mother to encourage you to have kids? Surely it's a decision that no attempt should be made to influence.

HamBone · 28/10/2023 03:22

My Mum always said that she was glad that she waited to have me as she needed to have a career and travel first. She openly said that she’d have been a lousy parent if she’d started a family in her early 20’s, as was more typical of her generation.

As it was, she lived and worked in several countries before finally settling down in her 30’s and having me at 38. She’d have liked a second child, but sadly she started developing a chronic condition in her early-40’s so it didn’t happen.

She was a wonderful Mum and I’m glad that she was so honest with me about only having a child if and when you’re ready to.

TwinkleDinkleStarDar · 28/10/2023 03:47

My mum found being a parent stressful. Most of my memories are of her being stressed and grumpy

But now, as a single parent who also gets stressed, grumpy and doesnt enjoy it 50% of the time I completely understand why!

My mum was married, he provided for us financially and material wise, but emotionally he wasnt there at all. Not only did my mum have 4 kids, a 4 bed house, dogs, rabbits ect to look after she also had an adult man to run around after aswell, on top of him treating her badly and being financially abusive aswell

I get so upset and stressed with the mess of just us 3 in 1 house on my own, cant imagine how bad I'd fine it picking up after 6 people and not getting any help

So many of us expect perfect from our parents forgetting that their just people with their own struggles too

I love my children so much but I do not enjoy being a parent most of the time and it males me so sad. Because I want to enjoy it. I hate being angry, grumpy, stressed, tired. The bickering, arguing constant noise and mess

It's such a shame because this isnt the way I wanted to be a mum at all

I feel really sorry for my mum, she had a lot of hate from all of us including my dad and my step dad. And she was just trying her best completely on her own

PeacefulPottering · 28/10/2023 05:02

My mum was the opposite of what I wanted. But as I have grown older I see she was right.
She brought two daughters up. She was brilliant.
I am bringing two children up, their Dad is meh
He doesn't care in the same way I do, and of I'm honest the same way my Dad didn't.

Curiousthoughts · 28/10/2023 06:17

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 01:29

Yes abuse aside, no one can ever know in advance their own reaction to motherhood, and the huge responsibility that comes with it. It’s not like you can change it if you feel it isn’t for you.

Expecting a mother to ‘enjoy’ motherhood feels onerous to me, like a weight of expectation because we all struggle at some time or another. We all yearn for at least one carefree day again, and to expect a mother to ‘enjoy’ motherhood with all of its challenges and difficulties, many mothers may feel it’s out of reach and unrealistic. The reality may be very different with financial problems, health and well being issues, relationship demands. marriage problems, poor mental health, poor childhoods and role models, housing conditions and a total lack of support may have been at play as well It can be very lonely for some too. No life is idyllic and perfect.

It’s something about being cared for is ‘not enough’, mothers have to enjoy it as well, even if they don’t at that particular time that feels too much to expect.

Its probably more important to feel loved.

This is amazing. I agree.

To add a little, there is motherhood to a baby, toddler, young child, tween, teen. These are all such different stages.

Each challenge comes at a different time. Some days will be better than others.

Enjoying 360 days for 20 years.... About 7000 days is hard to summarise. And often we remember a few hours from a childs perspective.

As you say though, abuse aside. Some of these stories detail abuse

GoodVibesHere · 28/10/2023 08:21

bronkie · 26/10/2023 14:12

Thinking more about this - there were no support facilities for mothers in earlier years. There were no forums to discuss things. Medical expertise with regards to things like PND, menopause etc was non existent. Women just got on with it. If they had a roof over their head and a husband who brought home a living wage life was good in theory.

I'm surprised by this response because my DC are teens now, and I don't recall any 'support facilities' when mine were babies, toddlers, young children. I never saw the same midwife or health visitor more than once, so no consistency there. If I had PND it wouldn't have been picked up on by anyone at all. As to 'medical expertise' .... it's hard to even get a face-to-face Drs appointment isn't it. You feel like a burden if you visit a Dr.

In my experience women still 'just get on with it' and I don't see what's changed. In the past some new mums had each other if they weren't working there may be other mums living nearby who weren't working, compared to now where young mums are pretty isolated. There's the financial pressure to return to work, even if you can't bear the thought of being away from your baby you don't have a choice.

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 08:34

Curiousthoughts · 28/10/2023 06:17

This is amazing. I agree.

To add a little, there is motherhood to a baby, toddler, young child, tween, teen. These are all such different stages.

Each challenge comes at a different time. Some days will be better than others.

Enjoying 360 days for 20 years.... About 7000 days is hard to summarise. And often we remember a few hours from a childs perspective.

As you say though, abuse aside. Some of these stories detail abuse

Show quote history

It’s very sad for anyone that has been mistreated of course. A parent should be the one person that loves a child unconditionally.

The weight of enjoying the entire process and every aspect of it feels heavy to me, as someone that loved having children.
Children are for life so even beyond adulthood we are parenting - maybe even for a whole life time. We never stop being there for our children really.

I didn’t enjoy being broken by years of no sleep, fear of how to care and feed a newborn or the relentless cooking and cleaning. The lack of space to think with the vigilance in the toddler years. Navigating the school gate. The natural ups and downs of childhood issues hurt as if they were my own. The expectations placed on my body by children, husbands, employers became so enormous I would cry silently inside.

Interspersed with the joy and beauty of shared moments and deep love, happiness, summer days in the garden, a snuffly newborn tenderness, the shining light of your child. We experience childhood all over again when we become mothers, and for some it will trigger the loss and pain they endured and they won’t know how to navigate this.

It feels like society has high (too high) expectations of us. That we are this all giving, all knowing fountain of maternal joy - the stuff of myths and legends about fertility and bountiful love that knows no limits and not the reality of stitched up torn vaginas, cracked nipples, the desperate search for sleep and peace and the mountain that is motherhood that is multi faceted and simply impossible to enjoy from start to finish. At times it will be enough to just hang in there, and not abandon ship altogether.

It’s okay to say on reflection motherhood didn’t suit me that well, but I did all I could and that is good enough. Maybe it genuinely wasn’t enjoyable, but that is not a reflection of the child, or the mother - it was just the circumstances.

I think it’s okay to ask what aspects your mother did enjoy op, you might be surprised by her answer or it might lead to new understanding.

Myneedycat · 28/10/2023 08:34

I think Watching Call the Midwife is indicative of how poor maternity services are now. The whole system is broken.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/10/2023 08:35

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

This is so astute. The daily drudgery is the hardest bit and also the least appreciated.
My Mum did enjoy being a mother, she was a loving person and liked small children, but she was taken for granted by us really. Now I don’t have her, and I am a mother of teenagers myself, I regret not being a more grateful and appreciative daughter. I can see how much of the conflict between us when I was a teenager/early twenties was due to me not making any effort to thank my Mum for the things she did and make her feel valued and seen as the person she was. She herself had a difficult upbringing and that did spill over into her own parenting at times, but she really did her best to look after us.

Myneedycat · 28/10/2023 08:40

SirVixofVixHall · 28/10/2023 08:35

This is so astute. The daily drudgery is the hardest bit and also the least appreciated.
My Mum did enjoy being a mother, she was a loving person and liked small children, but she was taken for granted by us really. Now I don’t have her, and I am a mother of teenagers myself, I regret not being a more grateful and appreciative daughter. I can see how much of the conflict between us when I was a teenager/early twenties was due to me not making any effort to thank my Mum for the things she did and make her feel valued and seen as the person she was. She herself had a difficult upbringing and that did spill over into her own parenting at times, but she really did her best to look after us.

Show quote history

As a mother I feel that my own daughter will feel this one day. Probably when it’s too late and I am dead or very elderly.

DeepEnd · 28/10/2023 09:21

I’m probably one of these mums. There were lots of cuddles and affection when DS was small but as he retreated into his phone addiction and stayed mostly in his bedroom as a teen I’ve found less and less in common with him. He takes everything for granted and expresses no emotion. I’m authoritarian about some things with the aim of keeping him healthy and well adjusted but I think I’ve generally got it all wrong and once he leaves home he probably won’t have fond memories or even look back. I have support from DH but we are both at a loss it’s like there’s a wall we can’t break through.

Original poster
LizardOfOz · 28/10/2023 09:54

I've been reading all the replies and I completely understand that nobody can enjoy anything 100% of the time. I will be honest and say I myself don't enjoy the drudge work 100% of the time .
However, I don't recall my mother enjoying anything even once. I have not one single happy memory of her (apart from the falling down the stairs).

It's a good idea to ask her what she did find positive but I don't have the relationship with her where I'd feel comfortable to ask
@Lastchancechica

OP posts:
MumofSpud · 28/10/2023 11:26

My mum was at boarding school from the age of 4 so did not 'learn' how to be a mum!
Ironically her mother, my grandmother (the one who sent her to boarding school) was much more maternal!
Also she is COMPLETELY different with her grandchildren than she was with me and my brother!

Universalsnail · 28/10/2023 14:58

Not my mother but my father yes. He was present and paid for stuff and didn't abandon us but he very obviously hated being a dad.

It used to upset me but it doesn't anymore. I met him where he is as an adult and now we are quite good friends and I love him. He's not a parental figure but I don't hold a grudge about the past. Since becoming friends he has apologised and said he made some mistakes and lives with regrets.

Your mother likely did her best but it wasn't good enough. In your position I would try and make friends with her now and have a better relationship as an adult. It helped me no end with my father.

garlictwist · 28/10/2023 15:04

My mum is very open about how much she didn't enjoy motherhood. It doesn't bother me, I was a very difficult kid so don't blame her! We have a good relationship now I am an adult.

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