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Original poster

I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

140 replies

LizardOfOz · 25/10/2023 23:50

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children.

My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages.

I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy.

Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?

OP posts:
JustKen · 26/10/2023 10:17

In part. She liked our successes and claimed the glory for them, but she didn't play with us much and found our arguments incredibly difficult to navigate. We'd be told to go outside and play nicely together, so she could do her reading or sewing, but when we fell out she would look totally deflated.in our late teens she would say aloud how she couldn't wait for us to move out.

Now we are in our 40s she likes us to visit. Still claims the glory for our achievements and now her GCs success too. My dad seems more genuinely pleased to see us than she is. I think she does live us all but we are sometimes in her way, iyswim.

headcheffer · 26/10/2023 11:06

My mother didn't enjoy mothering children. She did however give it her all, even though she found it very difficult. I think she found it better and more enjoyable when we were adults.

Sylver75 · 26/10/2023 11:13

Same here. Both my brothers have kids but not me or my sister, hugely influenced by being told it's the worst thing our Mam ever did.

bronkie · 26/10/2023 14:12

Thinking more about this - there were no support facilities for mothers in earlier years. There were no forums to discuss things. Medical expertise with regards to things like PND, menopause etc was non existent. Women just got on with it. If they had a roof over their head and a husband who brought home a living wage life was good in theory.

Original poster
LizardOfOz · 26/10/2023 15:41

Wow so many replies!
I am so sorry for everyone who suffered from terrible home lives 💐

My childhood was not terrible, it just wasn't cosy

I hear what you're saying about the generational/social impact of wars on family and our mothers not having been parented kindly in turn.

Also that post-natal support was not really a thing

And that is easier for Dads to be the fun guy while the mums do the drudge work

I have been taking this into account while thinking about my childhood and it does make me understand my mother more from an intellectual point of view. But emotionally I still know she wasn't really happy as a mother and so I missed out on a cosy relationship then which means I can't/won't build a cosy relationship now

OP posts:
Toloveandtowork · 26/10/2023 19:26

We evolved to parent as a large group. Our way of parenting is extremely unnatural. So much is put on the mother, and so much social pressure, and pretending to like it as she loses herself.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2023 19:34

Mine loved small babies.

Fucking hated children, though - or at least her own. And any others we encountered. Which was rather inconvenient and deeply unpleasant for us once we aged out of being a cute little dolly. Turned her attentions to puppies and kittens, rabbits and suchlike once she didn't have an acceptable supplier of DNA on the scene. Wasn't exactly a fan of those once they got past 9 months, either.

My childhood was full of evading punches or deliberately trying to get them to distract her away from some unfortunate dog or cat that had annoyed her by existing.

TroysMammy · 26/10/2023 19:38

My mother told me she didn't like the baby stage "I made sure you were fed, clean and I sang songs to you but I preferred it when you could walk and talk". Luckily I could do both by 11 months old and then she had her work cut out as I was a real busy bee.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 26/10/2023 19:42

I have not one single positive memory of being with my "D"M. I have plenty of other with other family but nothing with her at all. I've got quite a few not so positive memories.

She should never have had DC.

Snoeberry · 26/10/2023 19:48

My mum was similar to yours OP.
I was fed, educated, schooled, taken on the occasional day out, but mum was mostly a miserable person, including at. Also very critical and quite clueless in understanding kids and ppl in general.
Were not close now.. low contact although not sure mum would realise this.

Childhood veered from boring to downright depressing- best memories were weeks away staying with grandparents and my aunt/uncle and cousins .

Hope my DCs feel better about their childhood. !

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 26/10/2023 19:50

I don’t think my Mum did. I certainly didn’t enjoy my childhood.

Snoeberry · 26/10/2023 19:50

That should say 'including at xmas'

fixies · 26/10/2023 19:54

I think it could be generational to an extent. My mum is 70. Whilst we were loved, you could tell my mum was very 'put upon'. My mum was very ambitious. She had a successful academic career. My dad also was very successful.However, he did not take on any domestic load when the kids came along (as was common for men of his age). He literally led the same life before and after kids. Work/ work events during the week. Sport at the weekends.

He wouldn't even take us to school, despite it being on his way to work and was close enough for hi m to get to work by 8.55 every day.

My mum was/is resentful. The more she resented my dad, the more he'd avoid being in the house. The more the resentment grew on both sides. It got worse as we got older when the rot had set in.

Resilience · 26/10/2023 19:59

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

I think this has to go down as one of the most insightful, big-hearted and forgiving posts I've read on MN.

As a child that would have hurt. To be able to reframe it through an adult's eyes objectively is really something. Flowers

Shows how much society places additional expectations on women, doesn't it.

wildwestpioneer · 26/10/2023 19:59

I feel the same op. My DM died a few years ago, and although I was upset, I didn't feel the grief a lot of people do over a parent dying.

I think my DM had kids, because 'that's what you did'. I can't ever remember her telling me she loved me. It was almost like she went through the motions. She had to give up work when I was born (I'm the eldest), and although we always had home cooked meals, days out and she did play with us, looking back I always felt she didn't really enjoy it herself. When I was a teen she didn't really seem to bother with me, I was out all day every day and left home at 17. It was no big deal.

I thought all of that was normal until I had my own DD. I'd say 75% of the things I did as a teen I'd not be happy with my DD doing. I also spend a lot of time with DD, encourage her hobbies etc whereas my DM never did. I'm so much closer to my DD than I ever was to her.

She only really showed an interest in my job and social life when I was in my 20s, and I think it was primarily down to the fact that was what she'd wanted to do rather than have a family. She didn't have the best relationship with her DF who was controlling and not a very nice man, her DM was very passive and did anything for an easy life

Thighdentitycrisis · 26/10/2023 20:05

My mum had a bad relationship with her mother and was sent to boarding at age 7.

I think she found it so hard to be a parent she walked out and left her 4 kids.

what a mess. Now she has dementia and needs help

dressedforcomfort · 26/10/2023 20:40

Yes, my Mum was definitely like this. She had been raised by a stone cold and heartless woman, and grew up with little love and constant criticism. I could see the cycle repeat very clearly when she parented me and was determined not to let it repeat again with my own son. I make sure he knows he is loved every day.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 26/10/2023 20:56

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/10/2023 00:31

I have similar memories but now I have my own children I've interpreted them differently.

she wasn't often fun, she shouted sometimes, we mostly did as we were told by her. I don't remember the cuddles when I grazed my knees, I don't remember much beyond being told if we didn't behave we would be sent outside to play.

I remember being taught to play poker and whist by my dad. I remember playing monopoly with him, I remember special days out to places and being taken out on my own by him as a special treat without my younger siblings.

The truth is my mum was like air, critical to survival but just there in the background constantly keeping us alive with no credit given.

She did every wake up, every breakfast, every lunch, every school drop off and pickup, she washed everything, she gave us every bath, she cooked every meal, she read to us and listened to us read, she picked us up when we fell and gave us a sugar lump to make us feel better, she did the nights, she did the days, she did the holidays.

and yes at times she resented it all, and yes sometimes she was grumpy.

but she was just there, unlike dad who wasn't. He is/was a perfectly lovely dad but he wasn't there and so I remember the times he was because they stand out.

and he was cheerful because he wasn't doing the daily drudgery and we all loved him much more than mum because he was special chocolate, not air and he never told us to tidy our rooms or to get in the bath.

My mum now admits she probably had some post natal depression, as have I. I haven't found small children enjoyable. Luckily unlike my mum I can talk about it and not just be written off as a shit mum.

Thank you for this, I needed to hear it. Currently struggling with my own children and feeling like a terrible mother. In reality, I'm exhausted and they've been really misbehaving and then berating my parenting because I'm trying to correct their poor behaviour. I'm just trying my best, and trying to raise well behaved, kind and grateful children, all the while feeling like they'll grow up to resent me, despite how much I tell them I love them.

Delphinous78 · 26/10/2023 21:05

I'm a 90s baby and my mother would make jokes about latchkey kids. She essentially purchased a teenager from a war torn country and brought her to England, she was meant to be raised as my sister but was basically enslaved, she cooked and cleaned whilst also bearing the brunt of my mother's nastiness and physical abuse. She later forced my sister to marry an abusive man.

My mother was/obsessed with my father, their children were just collateral. My father hated that we weren't all boys and my mother couldn't have cared less about us.

He left her and she tried to have him deported (he's not British) by dropping us off with him, refusing to pick up any phone calls for a week and then calling the police. She had hidden our passports in the lining of our bags and said that he had planned to take us back to his country. She was so obsessed with him she spent years trying to get him to get back with her and trying to make him suffer until he did.

I started a new school and she 'forgot' to buy me uniform, that same month she bought my father a brand new £50K jeep to get him to come back to her, it's been 26 years and hes had other children but she will not let him go. I never had shoes or coats and at 7 a GP sent me off for psychiatric counselling as I was so mentally unwell but she sabotaged it by bringing my siblings along so I couldn't speak freely.

She should never have been a mother.

biscuitnut · 26/10/2023 21:29

Yes I had a similar experience. We were certainly well fed, dressed, taught to read before school years etc but she was certainly lacking on the emotional side. I don’t think she really enjoyed being a mum. I don’t have one memory of sitting on my mothers knee. I have a lot of memories of being constantly moaned/shouted at and told to go play outside. I think she did the best she could and on the plus side I am extremely resilient and independent but on the negative side I never feel good enough and have to constantly prove myself.
I don’t let it affect my life now. I read some of the stories on here and think how lucky I am. I think my childhood was fairly typical of parenting in the 70s.

Grapewrath · 26/10/2023 22:20

Interesting thread. I think in the 70s and 80s many women had babies because they were expected to and have little thought to whether they wanted children or indeed would make appropriate parents.
My mum parented us through the essentials and checked out once we were functional. So, although she cooked the odd meal I was pretty self sufficient at about 9 and did all of my own washing and ironing. She’d occasionally give me some money to buy jeans I’d asked for but didn’t ever take me clothes shopping- she just wasn’t interested.
As a teenager I moved out and she’s never made any effort to be in my life. I’ve seen her probably 6 times in 20 years and she’s not seen my kids in 15 years. The worst bit is that I dint even care now

ThatWhiteElephant · 26/10/2023 22:42

My mum, I'm sure, 100% hated being a mum.
But it turns out she loves being a nan, who knew!

jedwardscissorhands27 · 26/10/2023 22:51

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Carving pumpkins with my son today and realised that my mum never once did them with me.

It's not that she didn't care, I was always clothed, clean, fed and warm. Always went on school trips and had what I needed. I just remember seeing a lot more of her personal dramas than I probably should have done. And I have more memories of her being pissed off than happy when parenting.

That said, I think social media has encouraged us all to do more of these trends. Xmas eve boxes, pumpkin picking, massive birthday parties, elaborate holidays and days out. Does this mean that modern parents truly enjoy it or are we just trying to prove that we do?

Myneedycat · 26/10/2023 23:00

Grapewrath · 26/10/2023 22:20

Interesting thread. I think in the 70s and 80s many women had babies because they were expected to and have little thought to whether they wanted children or indeed would make appropriate parents.
My mum parented us through the essentials and checked out once we were functional. So, although she cooked the odd meal I was pretty self sufficient at about 9 and did all of my own washing and ironing. She’d occasionally give me some money to buy jeans I’d asked for but didn’t ever take me clothes shopping- she just wasn’t interested.
As a teenager I moved out and she’s never made any effort to be in my life. I’ve seen her probably 6 times in 20 years and she’s not seen my kids in 15 years. The worst bit is that I dint even care now

That’s really sad

Myneedycat · 26/10/2023 23:03

Delphinous78 · 26/10/2023 21:05

I'm a 90s baby and my mother would make jokes about latchkey kids. She essentially purchased a teenager from a war torn country and brought her to England, she was meant to be raised as my sister but was basically enslaved, she cooked and cleaned whilst also bearing the brunt of my mother's nastiness and physical abuse. She later forced my sister to marry an abusive man.

My mother was/obsessed with my father, their children were just collateral. My father hated that we weren't all boys and my mother couldn't have cared less about us.

He left her and she tried to have him deported (he's not British) by dropping us off with him, refusing to pick up any phone calls for a week and then calling the police. She had hidden our passports in the lining of our bags and said that he had planned to take us back to his country. She was so obsessed with him she spent years trying to get him to get back with her and trying to make him suffer until he did.

I started a new school and she 'forgot' to buy me uniform, that same month she bought my father a brand new £50K jeep to get him to come back to her, it's been 26 years and hes had other children but she will not let him go. I never had shoes or coats and at 7 a GP sent me off for psychiatric counselling as I was so mentally unwell but she sabotaged it by bringing my siblings along so I couldn't speak freely.

She should never have been a mother.

Appalling.