Page 6 | I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

LizardOfOz · 2023-10-25T22:50:23+00:00

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children. My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages. I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy. Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us ) Did anyone else have the same experience?

HamBone · 28/10/2023 15:19

DeepEnd · 28/10/2023 09:21

I’m probably one of these mums. There were lots of cuddles and affection when DS was small but as he retreated into his phone addiction and stayed mostly in his bedroom as a teen I’ve found less and less in common with him. He takes everything for granted and expresses no emotion. I’m authoritarian about some things with the aim of keeping him healthy and well adjusted but I think I’ve generally got it all wrong and once he leaves home he probably won’t have fond memories or even look back. I have support from DH but we are both at a loss it’s like there’s a wall we can’t break through.

@DeepEnd Teenagers are hard work, aren’t they. My DS is 15 and one thing I still do is hug him a lot, although I have to stretch upwards to do it now, instead of scooping him up. 😂. We’ll be in the kitchen and I’ll just give him a hug, or ask for a goodnight kiss. Sometimes he’s a bit off with me, but I think that these little demonstrations of affection help keep the bond alive. He asks me for a hugs too.

It might be worth a go with your DS, they’re awkward at this age but there’s affection underneath if you show it towards them too.

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:51

LizardOfOz · 28/10/2023 09:54

I've been reading all the replies and I completely understand that nobody can enjoy anything 100% of the time. I will be honest and say I myself don't enjoy the drudge work 100% of the time .
However, I don't recall my mother enjoying anything even once. I have not one single happy memory of her (apart from the falling down the stairs).

It's a good idea to ask her what she did find positive but I don't have the relationship with her where I'd feel comfortable to ask
@Lastchancechica

I am sorry she wasn’t the mother you should have had, someone that loved and treasured you. She sounds depressed if you can’t remember her ever being happy. This wasn’t you op, it was her issues.

I hope you have love around you now 💐

Curiousthoughts · 28/10/2023 21:20

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 08:34

It’s very sad for anyone that has been mistreated of course. A parent should be the one person that loves a child unconditionally.

The weight of enjoying the entire process and every aspect of it feels heavy to me, as someone that loved having children.
Children are for life so even beyond adulthood we are parenting - maybe even for a whole life time. We never stop being there for our children really.

I didn’t enjoy being broken by years of no sleep, fear of how to care and feed a newborn or the relentless cooking and cleaning. The lack of space to think with the vigilance in the toddler years. Navigating the school gate. The natural ups and downs of childhood issues hurt as if they were my own. The expectations placed on my body by children, husbands, employers became so enormous I would cry silently inside.

Interspersed with the joy and beauty of shared moments and deep love, happiness, summer days in the garden, a snuffly newborn tenderness, the shining light of your child. We experience childhood all over again when we become mothers, and for some it will trigger the loss and pain they endured and they won’t know how to navigate this.

It feels like society has high (too high) expectations of us. That we are this all giving, all knowing fountain of maternal joy - the stuff of myths and legends about fertility and bountiful love that knows no limits and not the reality of stitched up torn vaginas, cracked nipples, the desperate search for sleep and peace and the mountain that is motherhood that is multi faceted and simply impossible to enjoy from start to finish. At times it will be enough to just hang in there, and not abandon ship altogether.

It’s okay to say on reflection motherhood didn’t suit me that well, but I did all I could and that is good enough. Maybe it genuinely wasn’t enjoyable, but that is not a reflection of the child, or the mother - it was just the circumstances.

I think it’s okay to ask what aspects your mother did enjoy op, you might be surprised by her answer or it might lead to new understanding.

Edited

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So well put

Toloveandtowork · 28/10/2023 21:43

I think these feelings many of our mothers had as still very common today. In fact, it's almost like it's even harder in some ways as you are meant to be like a saint. It's so oppressive having to be 'on', watching what you say, how you behave and always setting a good example. All in your own home.
I find motherhood absolutely stifling a lot of the time, but I'm a single mother with no overnights.

Original poster

LizardOfOz · 28/10/2023 22:40

@Lastchancechica thank you for your kindness 💖

OP posts:

AwkwardPaws27 · 28/10/2023 22:45

I can't get my mum to say "I love you" as an adult, & I can't remember her ever saying it to me as a child. I still say it to her every so often when we speak/see each other but she won't say it back.
I often felt like a burden as a child.
I try to tell DS I love him every day.

Curiousthoughts · 29/10/2023 00:14

LizardOfOz · 28/10/2023 09:54

I've been reading all the replies and I completely understand that nobody can enjoy anything 100% of the time. I will be honest and say I myself don't enjoy the drudge work 100% of the time .
However, I don't recall my mother enjoying anything even once. I have not one single happy memory of her (apart from the falling down the stairs).

It's a good idea to ask her what she did find positive but I don't have the relationship with her where I'd feel comfortable to ask
@Lastchancechica

There are lots of ways to ask the question. Perhaps you can kind a way to ask a related question that could open up answers for you?

What is your relationship like now? Do you see each other? Is she involved in your life at all?

Caswallonthefox · 29/10/2023 00:24

I have no idea whether my mother enjoyed me or not. I do know that, in my 20's she told me I was an accident. Thank fuck my dad was still alive then because I asked him if it was true. He told me she deliberately came off birth control, so it wasn't the case.
She decided when I was 17, that I was old enough to understand her leaving my dad for another woman and completely abandoning me. I wasn't very worldly and had no friends.
She favoured my older sister.
The crazy thing is, I believe she went totally the opposite way to her mother, who favoured her younger sister who was a sickly child.
When she died in 2014 I was happy because I no longer had to see her.
She never told me she loved me. She never said sorry.
My mental health has been shut for as long as I can remember and I believe a large part is due to my mother
Oh, and if I was ill I'd have to be really bad before she took me to the doctor. I had glandular fever when I was 12, my tonsils were touching, when she finally took me to see a doc, they swabbed my tonsils, normally they do a blood test. They did tell her off for not taking me sooner.

Autumnisnearlyhere · 29/10/2023 06:56

My mum told me she only had children as was “the thing to do” back then.

No emotional support and was embarrassed if I needed medical attention (asthma attack, choking and later on, miscarriage).

No abuse as such just pure emotional neglect.

It’s only when I had children myself did I realise the extent of it all. My 10 year old asked me about periods the other day and whether I talked about it with my mum. I said my own mum was embarrassed and ashamed and threw a packet of sanitary towels at me and walked off. Yet used to do really strange things like leave her own used sanitary pads in my bedroom bin (there was a bin in the bathroom she could have used). Thankfully I had friends to support me in those things but she said she didn’t want to know.

Her and my sister are very close to the point where they collectively refused to throw a hen do/ baby shower or celebrate my birthday but she does these things for my sister. It really sucks and I try and shield my children from talking about it but they wonder why I’m different with them when they ask what my mum was like, it’s difficult sometimes.

Autumnisnearlyhere · 29/10/2023 06:59

I think the day I realised something was wrong was when my friend said when she was in labour “all she wanted was her mum” and asked me if I felt the same. I honestly replied with no I’d never felt like that. I nearly died in childbirth and my mum visited me in hospital out of duty. When she thought I was asleep she whispered to my dad “can we go yet? I’m hungry” she’d been there for half hour and I hadn’t slept for 3 days.

boredfuckinsenseless · 29/10/2023 08:17

I think for a lot of mothers, the modern 'acceptable concept' of motherhood doesn't come naturally. Add in modern 'navel gazing' and adults will view their mothers as detached etc. I'm not talking abusive, but benign parenting.
In days gone by, smaller communities and family communities, there was help on hand, 'aunty' next door, cousins to play with, etc. all took the focus away from mum. These days, kids don't go out to play in the same way previous generations did, giving mum's time from kids.
Latchkey kids were the norm from quite young ages. As a young child, I didn't know anyone going to 'childcare', it was granny, friends, neighbours, or nobody, staying home until parents got in.
Children are expected to be central now rather than fit in.
My mother wasn't particularly hands on, leaving day to day stuff to DGM.
When I became a parent, I also struggled with it, I hated it. If there had been honest conversations and more realistic information, I probably wouldn't have had DC and if I hadn't met DH
Fortunately, 2 out of 3 of my DC have decided parenthood isn't for them. They are far more intelligent/ aware than me.

Curiousthoughts · 29/10/2023 10:16

Autumnisnearlyhere · 29/10/2023 06:56

My mum told me she only had children as was “the thing to do” back then.

No emotional support and was embarrassed if I needed medical attention (asthma attack, choking and later on, miscarriage).

No abuse as such just pure emotional neglect.

It’s only when I had children myself did I realise the extent of it all. My 10 year old asked me about periods the other day and whether I talked about it with my mum. I said my own mum was embarrassed and ashamed and threw a packet of sanitary towels at me and walked off. Yet used to do really strange things like leave her own used sanitary pads in my bedroom bin (there was a bin in the bathroom she could have used). Thankfully I had friends to support me in those things but she said she didn’t want to know.

Her and my sister are very close to the point where they collectively refused to throw a hen do/ baby shower or celebrate my birthday but she does these things for my sister. It really sucks and I try and shield my children from talking about it but they wonder why I’m different with them when they ask what my mum was like, it’s difficult sometimes.

They probably ask because they suspect this but struggle to process. They will realise when they were older, you are best to be low key about it though, or you create a unnecessary worry for them about the past that they can't change for you

Parpadew · 29/10/2023 21:33

@Honeychickpea if it were pleasant I'd expect her to say so. I'm strong willed, she could convince me either way. But total immediate understanding of disinterest is telling.

Original poster

LizardOfOz · 31/10/2023 20:40

Curiousthoughts · 29/10/2023 00:14

There are lots of ways to ask the question. Perhaps you can kind a way to ask a related question that could open up answers for you?

What is your relationship like now? Do you see each other? Is she involved in your life at all?

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@Lastchancechica
Yes, she is involved in my life. She really loves my DC and is a great GM to them. She has been unduly harsh to me about run - of - the - mill life decisions I have made that she doesn't agree with so I feel on edge around her. I think if anyone was to ask her she wouldn't understand that she has done anything wrong.

But as I said, she loves seeing DC and I see her with them

OP posts:

Curiousthoughts · 31/10/2023 21:09

LizardOfOz · 31/10/2023 20:40

@Lastchancechica
Yes, she is involved in my life. She really loves my DC and is a great GM to them. She has been unduly harsh to me about run - of - the - mill life decisions I have made that she doesn't agree with so I feel on edge around her. I think if anyone was to ask her she wouldn't understand that she has done anything wrong.

But as I said, she loves seeing DC and I see her with them

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Would it be helpful to start a conversation about how you are enjoying parts of motherhood. Something like, I really enjoy connecting with them when they return from school and finding out about their day. Or whatever you particularly enjoy .
Then ask what bits she enjoyed?

If she doesn't think she did anything wrong then she won't read much in to the conversation. You might learn something. But could be easy to keep it light-hearted and see whether something genuine about her experiences comes from it.

Good luck