I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

[LizardOfOz]

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children.

My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages.

I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy.

Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?

My parents were too busy having affairs from when I was about 10. A lot of secrets in our house apparently. They got married very young as mum was pregnant with me-

This message also stirred memories. The Mums were there, they did do almost all the grunt work, and maybe they did feel pretty fed-up with the monotony of it all. Dads on the other hand, largely saw it as their job to provide the,income. A lot of Mums didn’t work in the 40’s and 50’s and if hubby was a tight controlling sod, Mothers had next to no financial independence or say. Perhaps it did all get pretty depressing, I’m not saying this to excuse Mums who were unkind, but perhaps the Mums ‘lot’ wasn’t a barrel of laughs. There were of course exceptions.

Yeah same. I sadly don’t really have a bond with mine. My Dad is a man child though and I think raising him was her priority .

It makes a difference having a supportive husband. I made sure my life was different. My DH is a solid, reliable, masculine guy. So I have that safety net knowing that DH has “got us” iyswim.

Yes totally. Feel like my mother only had me because having a child is just what you did after you got married.

@TinyRebel 💐

That sounds so hard. I’m sorry that was your experience.

I’m not close to my mum. I always grew up feeling like A burden. My mother became very involved in local politics, and her work with that always came before my brother and me.I think she had us because that was what you did inthe 1970,s

This is also how I've reinterpreted my childhood, although I do remember many moments of joy and support from my mother. She worked full-time, but she also did everything that needed to be done at home, as well as caring for elderly parents. My father dabbled in and out, had hobbies and "helped" with his own house and children occasionally. She spent her Sunday evenings ironing his shirts. She called that her "relaxation" time as she'd listen to music while she did it.

Occasionally, the pressure became too much and her stress or irritation would become apparent. And we'd think, why couldn't she be more like dad, the fun parent?

M mother actually said she regretted having us numerous times and how her life would be so much better if she had no kids. She provided us with a lovely,clean,warm home. There was food in the presses and we had plenty of clothes. There was no love though.

From a very early age my mother told me not to have children as it ruined her life.She left when I was 13.My DH couldn't believe she would tell me that so asked her when he eventually met her and she replied that she still stood by it and still hoped I never had kids ! The more I look back at certain traits of her personality I wonder if she was autistic.Doesn't make what she put me through any easier though.My children's (yes I did have them which she was aghast about) upbringing is completely different.The rare occasions she saw me with my children she would tell me I was pandering to them or say cruel things about their appearance/tell them to shut up when they spoke.I went no contact when they were about 6/7. She died alone a few years ago.A sad life when I step outside of it but I just felt relieved.All my crying for her had been done as a teenager.

Same. I have memories of mum being a miserable SAHM when I was very young. (She went back to full time work). I don’t remember her enjoying spending time with us.

I don’t remember my mum ever cuddling me, beyond maybe 5. She did suffer badly with mental health issues linked to periods, I genuinely think she had something (if it exists) like pre menstrual psychosis. She once threw a spear through the window which nearly hit me. I remember her being furious with me once as I went with my dad when they had a row, but he was waiting outside in the car for me and I had no choice. These are just a couple of moments I often think about as an adult, but I try to think that mental health help is much easier now and I need to put this into how it was at the time, not applying todays standards.

My parents arguing did massively impact my childhood (largely my mother due to these pre menstrual issues) and I do try not to let it affect my relationship with her now. But we aren’t exactly close, I call her every 2wks and do try and visit 4-6 times a year if I can (or more) - I’m 250 miles away. Part of the reason I moved was because she was over bearing and interfering with the child I had when I was very young. She’s actually jealous we have a close relationship, my adult son told me she has said things to him about how often he texts me (he lives up there again now) and how long we speak for on the phone. I do try and let go of the past, I’m not a grudge holder but I do sometimes try and over compensate with my own children where I felt I missed out. I’m not a naturally affectionate person though, because I never had hugs. I always give me kids a hug if they are going away for a few days / when they come back and tell them I love them. I don’t think my mum ever said she loved me until we had a big row in my early 20’s and I told her she never said it to me or ever gave me a hug.

Stopped me in my tracks, this post.

I agree with this (born in 60s). But evidently some parents were better at making their children feel loved and supported than others. My mother was rubbish at it.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently as I've been going to therapy about my relationship with my mother.

Things are very different for us. As has been said above, many of our mothers were doing all the motherwork and wife work. My father was certainly the chocolate to my mother's air as described by a PP above, either working or playing sport and very lovely when he was around. We've also got access to HRT (I'm much nicer to my DC because of it) and perimenopause is now recently widely discussed. For me, that's massive, I was getting really horrible (acting like my DM who was extremely bad tempered).

My own theory is that the two world wars will have had a massive impact. My DM is 78, her DF came back from Palestine in around 1948, presumably traumatised, of course rarely spoken about.

WWI finished just 25 years before WWIl finished, so my great-grandfather's and great-grandmother's generation would have gone through a similarly awful time. The wives and future wives, and some children, of both generations would have been welcoming home men with physical and mental trauma, having gone through their own war experiences at home. That was how many of our grandparents and great-grandparents were brought up. I wouldn't fancy parenting with that background, compared to my experience with a hands-on DH and more parenting literature that I can ever read. So my DM's generation were having to learn non-traumatised parenting for the first time. And our generation is lucky enough to be able to build on the steps that they took. And we should.

My Mam has told me for as long as I remember that she regrets ever having had children. I bear the brunt of most of it being the eldest as I was the one that made her a mother. There are 4 of us altogether. She admits she's not maternal. I've no memories of ever being hugged or of her ever saying she loved me. I was kept in hospital for a month after being born and she never visited. She blames me for her psoriasis which first became a thing when she was pregnant with me.

Dad wasn't a hands on parent when we were younger, he's never changed a nappy in his life but he did bring me and my brother with him to football matchs and even to the pub on Sunday afternoons. I asked Mam what she did on all those free hours and she says she doesn't know.

When I was 9, my sister was born and I took on the caring role for her, her cot was in my room, I got her bottle during the night, got her up in the morning. Obviously Mam took over when I was at school so she wasnt completely absent. Another brother came 3years later when I was 12 and I heard him tell a school friend I was his "other mammy". I threw birthday parties for the youngest two, went to the school plays, took them to the cinema for the first time, brought them shopping for clothes.

I had to have a brain scan aged 15. Mam didn't go with me, I had to ask a friend as I'd been told I'd need help after having dilating eye drops put in making my vision blurry.

I've had to accept my mother is how she is. She has a better relationship with the others than with me because I do feel she blames me for making her a mother. Despite this, I'm the one she will go to when she needs something or when there's anything needs sorting. I feel like I've become my parents parent if that makes sense.

I don't have kids of my own, I was always afraid I'd hate it like she does which is stupid because I love my younger siblings as much as if I'd given birth to them myself. I hope they had a happier childhood because I was old enough when the 2 youngest came came along to fill the gap left by Mam's lack of interest. The youngest lives abroad now and just seeing one of his friends in the street will have me in tears I miss him so much.

Mam is the same with the grandkids, I've seen her groan when she sees them come near, doesn't want to know and has very little relationship with them.

Some people just aren't cut out to be mothers.

Yes, exactly the same. I was born in the 90s and my mother had PND right up until I left home at 18. We do not have a bond and I just feel like she is someone I know rather than my mother. She couldn’t cope and some of things she did whilst I was a child are unbelievable. I had to grow up at a very young age and now as an adult have severe anxiety which I think has been caused by this. It’s very sad, I visit once a week (mainly to see my dad) so see her as well and it’s always very awkward. I almost wish that I didn’t live so close but I still want to see my dad. Unfortunately my mum tries to act like everything was normal during my childhood and she loves babies / little children now. The thing is she only likes the good bits, I know if she was looking after a child she would immediately be overwhelmed.

It's a thread asking people to lay out their experience of being a child with resentful parents, how on earth can you find it curious that all the accounts here here do just that?

Mine left when I was 4.5. I can't say for sure as I haven't seen her since, but I'm guessing she didn't like being a mother. My Dad was pretty nurturing and he did his best, he was very depressed after my mother left, he drank too much for a few years, just in a quiet sad way, he definitely didn't get it all right or anything, but he was there and he loved us and he did the best he knew how. He overcame a traumatic violent childhood to be a loving Dad.

We expected and still expect a lot of mothers. Perhaps too much in some cases. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day for everything we seem to expect mothers to do. Emotional detachment and irritability are quite common responses to long-term stress.

In many families, men work hard but it's women who seem to be performing the insane, contorting juggling-act necessary to hold the whole house of cards together, which often seems to involve perfecting the ability to be in two places at once. It's exhausting. It's not the case in all families - some do operate as a team - but it seems quite common.

It's also ironic because, while they're under all this stress, they're often also responsible for promoting the physical and emotional wellbeing of other family members. My mother would often tell me how important it was to get a good night's sleep and then work until the early hours to prepare for her job. I do the same with my own DC now.

I've often wondered why many men don't appear to see that if they supported their partners more, their partners would be enabled to be better parents to their children because they would have more to give. Do they just not care about their children enough to do this?

This is so true. Both my parents had parents who were traumatised by WW2. Their parents were traumatised by the First World War. There is so much I can see that was a direct result of all that . Add in financial hardship, isolation ( my mother moved countries so had no family support, my grandmother didn’t get on with her mother) ,many fewer domestic appliances, far fewer holidays and women who mostly didn’t work, stuck at home all day isolated and bored. It’s a recipe for disaster. My own mother was very traumatised already when she married and had me in her first year of marriage. My father was traumatised and didn’t get on with his family. He had no relationship with his father who was away at war for most of his childhood. It’s all very sad. My mother didn’t have a washing machine until my mid teens. It was a relentless slog keeping the house clean and there was no outlet for her in terms of work.

Yes I had the exact same experience. I do have more sympathy for her now I’m a grown up with my own kids (who I thoroughly enjoy) but most of my childhood memories are of me being told off/made to feel a nuisance and we aren’t close now.

She had waaaay more help than I do but looking back seemed to have some mental health problems (I do too). She’s not this post WW2 generation lacking in HRT that PPs are talking about 🤷🏻‍♀️ still love her obvs but have never heard it from her 😄

I recognize this - both my parents were emotionally detached from us all. Really not sure why they had us, we seemed to be a constant disappointment. I'm mid-fifties now, but it left us all with long term attachment issues, tho I think we hide it well, I wouldn't talk about it to anyone but those closest to me.

It's so damaging to children. Lots more to my story but I remember when I had my first child thinking, I must always cuddle, sing rhymes & talk to her - I so desperately didn't want them to feel as we had. It felt strange at first, but then felt natural after a while & I never put them down they're grown up now & love coming home to us as we love having them, which is wonderful.

Funny tho, I can never bear to hear an unattended baby crying, I always have to leave the room/ supermarket..

Not in my case. My parents, marrying at a time and in a place where contraception was illegal, had no choice about having children, and would only have been able to limit their family by celibacy. They were poor and had far too many children than they were able to support, financially or emotionally, plus they were themselves both from deprived, fairly dysfunctional backgrounds, and had no idea there was any more to parenting than food and shelter.

So yes, parenting for them was a joyless slog, full of worries and fears, with no enjoyment or emotional closeness, but it was because of their circumstances. Four of their five children have chosen to be childfree, the other has one child by choice.

I’m the one with the child. I’ve had a lot of therapy and have a lot more money than my parents. I will make mistakes, sure, but they’ll be different ones.

My mum was the same. Fed, bathed, clean clothes etc. Felt safe. Very rarely would she sit and play or take us to the park. It was the 90s I guess and by 8 we were put with our friends anyway on bikes etc. But she's not maternal. She's 70 now and I've never had a hug or love you. She's never helped me. Finds it easy to judge though. I like her sometimes and other times she drives me nuts as she tries to tell me what to do! It's a weird one.

One thing with my mum is she acts like someone else on fb and tries to be "in" and "cool" with various people. Makes me cringe as they dont know how she really is. She's always made Me feel useless and unconfident which I find odd because I work and spend time with friends and I do more with my kids. She still hasn't clicked on my confidence was low due to her.

Yes. My earliest memory of my mother is that she just didn’t like me very much. I was very clearly an annoyance so I just did my best to keep out of her way. She didn’t do any of the grunt work either, that was left to my father, but he ran off with the next door neighbour when I was 9 and I haven’t seen much of him since. After he left I made my own meals, did my own washing, got myself to school etc. It was a very lonely childhood but I’ve had a metric ton of therapy and I’m at peace with it now. It absolutely formed the basis of my decision not to have dc though.