I don't think my mother enjoyed motherhood at all - anyone else the same?

[LizardOfOz]

As I spend time with my own DC I remember my childhood and I am sorry to say I don't remember a single time that my mum seemed to be enjoying herself or enjoying us children.

My childhood was a stressful time for her, maybe from when I was 5-10 but I have no happy memories from before or after those ages.

I remember I fell down the stairs once and she read me a story and cuddled me. But apart from that it seemed to be a chore. It's sad and I'm not close with her now, though I think she'd like that but I can't think of more than that one occasion of warmth or joy.

Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?

My mum always said out loud she wanted and loved us and SO enjoyed being a mum but then seemed to prioritise her love life and the men in her life above us 🤨 i also felt she never backed me or believed in me. She was v keen to get me out of the house at 17 to live with her bf.

As a result i'm the opposite with dd. Anything she wants to do, i cheerlead and facilitate and everyone is clear she's my number 1 and thats that. I would never put a bloke above her.

But i cant deny i'm a shit parent. i dislike parenting even though i love DD and would die for her. I shouldnt have had kids, i see now i'm not cut out for it. I try to hide it but not sure i'm fooling anyone. Hopefully DD isnt too damaged 🙈

My mum loved us all & my parents were always very supportive in some ways, especially around education and financial assistance.

My mum was always clear that she didn't really want children as such, it was just what happened after you got married. She looked blankly at me when I asked her about being excited to be having me or delighted with her new baby.

She was a busy working mother of 4, limited involvement from my dad in the day to day elements, as was normal then, and I think the culture of the time in relation to how you viewed children & child rearing was very different.

She really never wanted to do things with us though, I always felt that & craved her attention.

With my DC, as a consequence, I overdid it - constantly going to events / places / making plans - once they got old enough, 2 of them told me they really did not want all the trips. I feel conscious of connecting with them emotionally (something my mother didn't do) and don't always get that right I feel.

@ThornToes , I hear you ! My mum was completely emotionally uninvolved when I was growing up , I had a dd from an emotionally abusive relationship, then I met my partner of 20 years when she was 5 .

Glad there’s so much balance in this thread, when you think of the lack of modern conveniences, the high expectations and pressure (you must look after your husband, have your house spic and span, look well etc), no talk about mh etc it’s mad!!

My mother enjoyed parenting my sibling a lot more than she did me. She was still shit but he got more affection, more attention and more love. I remember quite often she would have him on her lap and if I tried to hug her she'd push me away. She was a terrible terrible mother, physically and mentally abusive but from stories I've heard , her mother was even worse. Some people should just never have children.

Mine didn't enjoy it until we grew up, and she definitely enjoyed being a grandmother a lot more.

In fairness she always worked full time and ended up doing the lion's share of the domestic stuff, so no doubt it was stressful. She never seemed to have much patience with us.

You don't sound like a shit parent

Reading this thread reminds me of Suzanne Heywood's autobiography Wavewalker about her childhood spent sailing around the world with her loving but self centred Dad and her emotionally distant Mum.

Absolutely yes. She was very young and ended up single before I was 6 months old and I just don't think that was what she'd signed up for (or if she'd given the reality of parenthood so much as a passing thought in the first place).

I don't remember her ever playing with me despite that I was an only child with no similar aged family at all, she spent the majority of the time on the phone or in the bath (or both). Looking back our home was very much neglected and at such time she started dating again whichever bloke was flavour of the month took her full attention and priority. There are worse memories that I won't go into, but we're not close now and I carry a lot of resentment that she breezily denies a lot of the above.

It absolutely grates me when people (family and old friends mostly) occasionally say 'ooh your Mum did such a good job with you on her own' when they actually have no idea at all. Thank goodness for my Grandfather, who did the heavy lifting in modelling how to be a decent person.

My mother told me having children was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I don't have children and neither does my sister.

My mother worked full time and did housework constantly at home. She didn't spend time with me chatting or getting to know me. I don't think that was a thing back then. The concept of enjoying motherhood wasn't a thing. Children were seen as another chore. I think the concept of children bringing joy to your life is quite modern.

I remember going on a school trip for 10 days and the other children were being hugged by their parents before we left. My parents tried to hug me but I pushed them away as I was not hugged at home and wasn't sure what it was about. This refusal to hug them when I went on the trip is regularly brought up as an example of how awful I am but pointing out that I had never been hugged before doesn't go down well.

I didn't know liking or loving your own children was a thing. I remember my mum laughing at people who were affectionate with their children, or who stepped in to stop bad things happening to them.

She didn't seem unhappy but she showed no emotion at all. I don't remember seeing her happy or sad. She would laugh in a fake way when they socialised.

One of my neighbours died this week and my mum phoned me to tell me that the neighbour's adult children have nothing to do with her and won't be coming to the funeral. I could hear the glee in my mother's voice. She obviously has no idea how close she has come to this herself.

Yes, this is my reflection on my childhood too. Dad gets so much less judgement when actually he just rocked up for the holidays and days out. Mum did all the drudge work and was utterly taken for granted. Even when she had serious health issues she just kept quietly caring for everyone. No wonder she was unhappy.

We are much more forgiving of shit dads than shit mums.

*Our physical needs were completely met, we had a good education, extra curricular activities etc but the emotional support wasn't there for me . (My father did seem to enjoy our company and have fun with us )

Did anyone else have the same experience?*

Pretty much. BY age 14 I had pretty much given up expecting any sort of support from DM, who was emotionally closed off and even more so after DF died when I was 13. (Most likely a carry over from her childhood - she was an evacuee and didn't see GF for years as he was away fighting, and her DM def had narc traits). I can't recall games, cuddles or much interest in me at all. I know it must have been hard for her - we lived in the West Country miles away from her family, DF was at sea and she had three children, two of whom were very close together. I suspect I learned early to keep out of the way, entertain myself and not be a bother. Something I've been very good at all my life.

Some of the reasons I don't have children.

There is an expectation based on mythology, religion and society that women are good with pain, self sacrifice and the nurturing of others (e.g the Virgin Mary)
This is all bundled into one when you become a mother, yet it seems like a hell on earth for many women who feel stifled and trapped with no way out.
My mother had six of us, no electricity until I was 12. My father died when I was 13 and she then started drinking for many years.
I don't blame her now. Her circumstances were brutally hard.

I think the eye opener for me was when my parents watched me interacting with my baby son. They were very disapproving of me being so affectionate and claimed it would ‘spoil’ him. I’ve never forgotten it.

My Mum loved being a mother to boys but not girls . She told me more than once that she never wanted a daughter . I had 2 brothers one if them my twin who died in childhood and I don’t think she ever forgave me for living .
I left home at 18 and moved away . Our relationship remained strained until she died . Sad .

I expressed myself very clumsily. This says what I want to say better.

https://scoop.upworthy.com/artist-illustrates-frustrating-parenting-double-standards-momlife-comics-559824-559824-559824-559824

In some cases, was it.... Mum didn't care, or mum was really really busy and overwhelmed ? Dad was busy too but that's ok

I agree but it's not always an either/or, I think. Being busy and overwhelmed can lead to emotionally detaching from people round about. I have certainly caught myself thinking about my DC as a nuisance rather than the most precious things in my life when I'm under intense work and life stress. I'm sure some parents are genuinely shit from the outset and should never have had kids, but many set out to do their best. Society, and in many cases, husbands, partners and co-parents, need to think about how they can better support those parents, often mums, who are carrying a disproportionate burden, to allow them space, time and energy to be more engaged and playful parents with their children.

My mother should never have had kids

My father,if he is being honest,didn't want them

They where married for 7 years,had 3 stillbirths and then had me,my brother then twin boys

My mother is a narc,my father the enabler-they both claim they where desperate to have kids

I think she was-she wanted two children so she could mould them into her-show off how perfect she is and look at her perfect kids

Shame she ended up with 4-that wasn't in the plan-neither was a girl (me)

My father wanted to make her happy-no matter the cost

I was brought up by my amazing,wonderful,not-perfect-but good-enough grandad (we adored each other) because my mother didn't want to do his care

We didn't have much money,but there was enough-and we where rich with the amount of love,hugs,time,praise and respect

Neither of my parents have ever hugged me,said sorry for any mistakes,said they love me or said or acted like they are proud of me-grandad not only said-but showed me

He went into a home when I was 13 and died when I was 14

My mother really resented me-she gave up pretending to care-she stopped the basics of parenting-she gave up feeding me,clothing me,my hobbies-school-the lot-she made a profit out if me with her child benefit-it certainly didn't come my way

It's a long story but I went nc with her (and the rest of them) aged 33-no matter what I did,I was never good enough (my brothers just had to exist and that was amazing)

I have my dp and his family are the most amazing people in the world-they have never said anything nasty,never dragged me down or forced me to do anything I didn't want to do-they just love and support me for who I am-I make their son happy-thats enough for them

Meeting them was like stepping into another world-on his deathbed,my fil told me he was so happy dp had found me and I made him happy-that means the world to me

My 'real' family are 140 miles away-its a mystery to them why I walked so they've spent the last 14 years dragging my reputation to pieces-I have people I've never met (looking at you both sil's) who hate me and join in

I'm 140 miles away and just don't give a fuck

I'm pretty sure my mother didn't either as I recently found out she'd been lying for years about the date of their wedding and she actually got married when she was already pregnant with my sister. Then I came along a year later.

Life was stressful as my parents had very little money and two small children. I don't recall her reading bedtime stories or playing with us and there are no photos of her hugging us at all. I remember being surprised that a friend's mum would hold their hand.

I said to my DH once that we grew up despite my mother's parenting, not because of it.

She doesn't enjoy being a grandparent either.

Perhaps I'm naive but I take the view that most people are well intentioned and screw up, but don't want to screw up. Forgiveness can give people space to be better. The problem is a child shouldn't and can't coach a parent to be better. But perhaps it helps an adult child come up terms with how they have been treated. You were probably loved so much. Your mum probably struggled and made mistakes and as you say maybe needed more support. But I imagine most of your mum's would hate that you feel like this, rather than not care!

I'm another one with the same experience - my mother had children because she is Catholic and her religion expected her to. It also a way of showing her family her 'superiority' - out of 9 siblings only 2 had children. She was pregnant less than 6 months after meeting my father...they 'had' to get married (late 1960s). My father hadn't wanted to be a parent at all.

However it was pretty clear from a very young age she didn't enjoy it. She never played with myself or my two brothers, stopped attending parent/teacher evenings when I was 6 and showed absolutely zero interest in our schooling after that. Due to that my younger brother managed to leave school with no qualifications.

Anything beyond the very basics she found annoying. We were not allowed to have friends home, no hobbies or extra-circular activities as that might have meant she would have had to make an effort. When I was 9 she basically threw our childhoods under a bus, put her marriage above her children and became a trailing spouse for 5 years as she didn't trust my father to be faithful if she wasn't with him. Our health, education, social skills all suffered severely due to this, to the point that 40 years later myself and my brother are still suffering the consequences. My father left her for another woman (now his wife) when I was 21... 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

Both my parents are perfect examples of two people who really shouldn't have had children. I haven't gone on to have any of my own, and neither have my two brothers.

@Curiousthoughts . And I love my mother so much because she did what she thought was best at the time. She made hard decisions on the basis of what she considered was best for us, and that makes it possible to accept a lot of other things that were perhaps less than ideal.

I guess it's different for those who can't say that their parents tried their best for them, or even took much account of them when making decisions. Intentions matter.

My single mum was brilliant as I was growing up, but I know she didn't enjoy my early years. And I don't blame her. Awful divorce hanging over her, father ditched her while pregnant and took all the money, no job, struggling to go back and study with a young baby, applying for first jobs and work experience, the taboo of being a single parent. Who would enjoy that?

Life did improve, but one was always a struggle.

Recently my wonderful grandmother died and we found in her house a load of videos from when I was a baby. I said to my mum - chuck them - why would you want to remember THAT part of parenting me? Focus on the better parts when I was in primary/secondary school and we could finally do fun things, me passing my exams, getting into uni, my graduation, first jobs etc. Forget 0-5 ever even happened.