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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me understand what I’m seeing (H’s behaviour related).

277 replies

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:23

Together for 24 years. Married for 20. DS 15 and DD 19.

he left 6 weeks ago.

saw his rented house today.

bar table in front room with fully stocked beer fridge
all black and grey
pictures of DJs and music related visuals in black frames on walls
one photo of DCs in frame when very small
only other photo is of H on stag do 25 years ago with mates
‘joey and chandler’ armchair
black leather sofa and big TV
FROSTIES in cupboard
24 cans of tango in kitchen
polyester 90s bedding with black and white zigzags
plans to put a pool table in garage

what have I experienced?

OP posts:
Itwasafterallallaboutme · 26/10/2023 05:09

Resilience · 25/10/2023 21:46

It's a bit of a cliche but it's not harming anyone so 🤷‍♀️

What @Resilience???

How can you say
"It's not harming anyone so 🤷‍♀️"???

Is @FrogFighter no-one then?
Are Frogfighter and her children not important in this scenario?

I am almost more enraged at you saying that than I am at the OP's idiotic husand's very immature throw-back teenage behaviour (sorry modern day teenagers I am not trying to tar you with the same brush as the OP's crazy husband)!

Are you a man Resilience? At least I would know what category to put you in if you are a man, but I fear I am clutching at straws in suggesting that.

Ah, maybe you are one of the few modern teenagers who think his "pad" sounds great, and I presume that you have never been in love, or commited to another person in a sexual and romantic partner kind of way?

@FrogFighter, I hope that Resilience hasn't annoyed you as much as she(?) has me. She really isn't worth you expending any energy over at all, in fact hopefully you are ignoring me too, I really shouldn't let little arses wind me up either, I should have probably just laughed at her.

If you are reading this Frog, I wish I could offer you some comfort and hope, that your husband will come to his senses before he has wrecked everything (if he hasn'talready). I am not saying that there isn't any hope for you and your husband to be happy together again in the future, just that I haven't got the foresight to be able to see it - unless he is having a mental health breakdown and can miraculously find some effective mental health treatment very soon.

You will get through this OP, and it might be much quicker than you expect right now. In the meantime take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself 🍷🍫 x

MissingMoominMamma · 26/10/2023 05:18

Pussygaloregalapagos · 26/10/2023 04:16

Ken living in his Kendom!

Just missing a horse…

Userxyd · 26/10/2023 05:26

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:31

I think it’s the picture of the stag do and the pool table. I did say ‘oh look there you are with your boyfriends’. Couldn’t resist.

Hahahaaaa brilliant

lifesrichpageant · 26/10/2023 05:27

Mojo Dojo Casa House

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 26/10/2023 05:28

cocoloco23 · 26/10/2023 00:46

I’m honestly struggling to think of any woman who’s going to be impressed by this.

Under 30 won’t get it. 30-40: it’ll look like their childhood home when they were growing up. Over 40: I assume they’ll just laugh.

Show quote history

@cocoloco23, sorry, I know I should just ignore your comment about 30 to 40 years olds homes when growing up, but I can assure you that none of my adult children ever lived in a home decorated in the way the OP has described her husband's new place. None of my, or my children's friends houses, looked anything like that description either.

However, I do agree with you about struggling to think of any woman who would be impressed by the OP's husband, I cannot think of anything about him that sounds attractive or sexy. If he wants sex with other women he might end up having to pay for it. Unless he comes to his senses very soon, I think he will live to regret his extremely foolish decision.

GrumpyPanda · 26/10/2023 05:35

Karwomannghia · 25/10/2023 22:42

I’m trying to figure out which ladies will be up for the party. None spring to mind

That was my reaction. At least OP can rule out the possibility he's having an affair.

Tighginn · 26/10/2023 05:37

Sounds like he wants to take up life from before he meet you, with a better bank balance to fund it, know quite a few like this, quite funny to watch.

khlomoney · 26/10/2023 05:41

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 26/10/2023 05:28

@cocoloco23, sorry, I know I should just ignore your comment about 30 to 40 years olds homes when growing up, but I can assure you that none of my adult children ever lived in a home decorated in the way the OP has described her husband's new place. None of my, or my children's friends houses, looked anything like that description either.

However, I do agree with you about struggling to think of any woman who would be impressed by the OP's husband, I cannot think of anything about him that sounds attractive or sexy. If he wants sex with other women he might end up having to pay for it. Unless he comes to his senses very soon, I think he will live to regret his extremely foolish decision.

Show quote history

I don’t think he’s decorated it to impress dates. You don’t really think about how sexually enticing your choice of cereal or armchair is. He’s decorating his place like he’s in a midlife crisis yes, but it seems to be his personal comforts. Don’t really see the issue there, though I can see why OP would feel hurt

khlomoney · 26/10/2023 05:43

Also if he’s renting, some of the aesthetic choices might not be his

pinkfondu · 26/10/2023 05:43

reallyworriedjobhunter · 25/10/2023 22:26

1994 called and it wants its Argos catalogue back.

Grin
Goldbar · 26/10/2023 05:44

It's a shame when family responsibilities and children get in the way of us living our best lives, isn't it? Clearly the answer is to walk out and leave them to someone else.

I'm enjoying your descriptions, OP, but I'm sorry you've been left to put a brave face on things for the kids.

pinkfondu · 26/10/2023 05:46

Pussygaloregalapagos · 26/10/2023 04:16

Ken living in his Kendom!

Grin
EtiennePalmiere · 26/10/2023 06:17

This is hilarious, sounds like you're taking the high road OP. Maybe take a fuzzy bucket hat and a can of fosters for the housewarming

wossgoinon · 26/10/2023 06:33

I give it 6 weeks and he will try and worm his way back.

my ex husband did this and he was back within 3 weeks. My biggest mistake was letting him come back

Willyoujust · 26/10/2023 06:44

I would have taken one look and said, “What in the midlife crisis is going on here?”😂

Itslookinggood · 26/10/2023 06:46

Ticket to Jo Wiley’s 90s anthems OP - he’ll feel among his people there (loads of bald middle aged men reliving their youth).

DaisyMaisyFaisy · 26/10/2023 06:51

Why did you look in the fridge and cupboards?!

JANEY205 · 26/10/2023 07:03

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:48

Weeeelll, that’s not strictly true. We have a 15 year old just going his GCSEs. He’s kinda blown up our financial stability and left me to do the adulting and run a family house whilst holding down a job. And walked out on the dog.

Its not exactly harmless.

Show quote history

Then why on earth are you visiting his ew place and buying him a gift?! Why?! People treat us how we permit them to and you need to focus on you and your self esteem now.

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 07:05

khlomoney · 26/10/2023 05:43

Also if he’s renting, some of the aesthetic choices might not be his

Ah diddums.

supersop60 · 26/10/2023 07:08

tamade · 26/10/2023 04:34

Sounds a bit naff, but why are you letting it bother you?
Seems like a very typical midlife crisis - ie a mental health issue which has been allowed to develop, resulting in fracturing of the family, and him moving out to live on his own in quite a vulnerable state. As other posters have said he will probably end up with another baby, or depressed, wishing he could come home or both.

Exactly this. A MLC is a mental health issue, with very real consequences.

PositanoBay · 26/10/2023 07:09

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:44

I agree and was happy to let him go and do whatever he wanted to do. But that wasn’t good enough. He wants to date fun, party women. And by that he means fun party women WHO ARE NOT ME. Caveat.

Well, the good thing is, he can afford to run 2 places to live. Does he want a divorce? Do you want to be with him? If it was me I would bide my time and see how it pans out in the next few weeks, and enjoy your freedom. You could even decorate the house with a Barbie theme

Cosycover · 26/10/2023 07:16

Mojo Dojo Casa House

PositanoBay · 26/10/2023 07:24

It was giving me a 'Just good Friends' vibe with Vince and Penny

theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 07:24

He’s having a 90s midlife crisis!! He’s going to rapidly find out that’s not that attractive to ladies!

Or his mates, who’ll have started Froggies MLC Carcrash sweepstake whatsapp group.

Sorry you are going through this, and well done for holding it together.

I think it would be a good idea to pull your joint financial info and see a solicitor so you can plan your future, before he buys a vintage fiesta and starts booking lads holidays to Ibiza, which he will have to pay for or he’ll be going alone.

theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 07:28

wossgoinon · 26/10/2023 06:33

I give it 6 weeks and he will try and worm his way back.

my ex husband did this and he was back within 3 weeks. My biggest mistake was letting him come back

Yeah

Seriously don’t let him do this. He’ll only have a bigger crash next year, maybe find someone desperate enough to impregnate, and really drain your finances.

See a solicitor and sever it now. And now tell him what’s happening until you’re ready with your plan.

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