Help me understand what I’m seeing (H’s behaviour related).

[FrogFighter]

Together for 24 years. Married for 20. DS 15 and DD 19.

he left 6 weeks ago.

saw his rented house today.

bar table in front room with fully stocked beer fridge
all black and grey
pictures of DJs and music related visuals in black frames on walls
one photo of DCs in frame when very small
only other photo is of H on stag do 25 years ago with mates
‘joey and chandler’ armchair
black leather sofa and big TV
FROSTIES in cupboard
24 cans of tango in kitchen
polyester 90s bedding with black and white zigzags
plans to put a pool table in garage

what have I experienced?

hmmmmm

I can't see many 'party girls' staying at his 'pad' for long. It sounds embarrassing.

OP - i am sorry it’s not what you would have liked happened to your marriage.
But - at the same time - you H is doing what people here on MN say people should do.

If you are u happy in the marriage, don’t cheat. Leave the relationship first. Then get on with the life you do want.

It hurts and it’s unfair - but after 24 years together - the relationship is over for him.
We don’t need to agree or discuss lure of partying in your 50s; or decor choices - as it’s irrelevant. More importantly - your priorities, needs and wants aren’t aligned anymore.

Hard as it is - your only choice is to let him go and try to figure out your life without him.

I’m honestly struggling to think of any woman who’s going to be impressed by this.

Under 30 won’t get it. 30-40: it’ll look like their childhood home when they were growing up. Over 40: I assume they’ll just laugh.

I kind of agree with this although I get OP this must be absolutely awful for you.

I expect that hard-to-identify feeling is actually a wave of
relief.

He will be buying a motorbike next.

THIS!!! Where I live, lava lamps are still on sale 😂. I don’t know anyone who’s bought one though!!

I don't see how his choice of home decor is any of your business and its quite rude to criticise it when it doesn't affect you at all. Maybe he's spend the last 20+ years living with your choice of decoration and he's now finally breaking free and living how he wants?

He’s living the life he wants to live. I don’t think bring 50 necessarily means you can’t go out, socialise, or have fun.
I don’t know any man interested in interior design.
At least he left, he hasn’t had an affair from what you’ve said. You both want different things and that’s it.

🤣

Well aren't you a pleasure.

Yes, right........ never mind the debris he left behind...

@PyongyangKipperbang sorry to correct such a venerable Mumsnetter, but you misspelled Turdis.

In 8 months when reality will hit him and he begs to come back I hope you tell him to fuck off.

Remember ladies, women live longer, healthier and happier single.

Sounds like you witnessed someone having a bit of a rebellion and getting what they've been craving without the fear of someone villainising them for enjoying sugary cereal or counting their soda cans. Chill out and let him consume what he wants without being judge mcjudgerson.

Ken living in his Kendom!

You know what, I can understand your dismay.
You've spent years and years building a life together, a nice, comfortable home that you shared with your son, and now, he decides that you're 50, he wants to relive 1997.

He sounds like he's having a midlife crisis, and generally those men don't fare too well.
Either a new baby comes along and they end up trapped in the world of crying babies and shitty nappies, or they end up pretty lonely when their grown up friends are with their wives and children.

Not an enviable- or particularly comfortable life id say!

Now, onto you, what changes will you be making to your life now he's gone? This is a time for change for you too..

So it's OK to rip the piss out of his taste. Does that make the posters who've done this pleasure? Spare me the derails about his method of leaving; the OP plainly has not made this the focus of her thread.

The OP's thread is not about this though.

Lava lamps have definitely not died out 😂

Exactly this.

You are seeing a full blown mid life crisis.

Which would not be so bad if he hadn’t devastated your joint children mid GCSES and blown up the family you have invested in for 24 years. It’s beyond selfish and not about ‘following dreams’but astonishingly bad parenting as a minimum. God only knows what your children think!

He will be crawling back at Christmas or in the new year when it doesn’t live up to expectations. You need to decide what to do then.

Personally I would be done. The ick factor would never leave me after seeing his party pad, and all respect evaporated. It’s just so embarrassing at his age. Ahhhhh - what a dick.

Sounds a bit naff, but why are you letting it bother you?
Seems like a very typical midlife crisis - ie a mental health issue which has been allowed to develop, resulting in fracturing of the family, and him moving out to live on his own in quite a vulnerable state. As other posters have said he will probably end up with another baby, or depressed, wishing he could come home or both.

Are you quite sure?

"We have a 15 year old just going his GCSEs. He’s kinda blown up our financial stability and left me to do the adulting and run a family house whilst holding down a job. And walked out on the dog.
Its not exactly harmless."

He’s definitely going to buy a second hand Porsche and get a younger girlfriend