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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
Themerrygoround · 23/10/2023 20:18

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

Me me me
She was honest you didn’t like the answer. She knows you well and knew how it would go when she told you the truth.
Id have went and slept elsewhere too, but if I was you I’d say ok what can I do to change this and make plans .

She ruined my break, she did this , I’m hurt, I can’t help it , why is everything all about you. If you acknowledge rhstnouge isn’t all about you maybe things will get better .

TortolaParadise · 23/10/2023 20:20

She answered your question.

fridaynight1 · 23/10/2023 20:20

Well you did ask.

TBH if I found out I’d kept someone awake with my snoring, I’d be the one apologising.

You can do something about it. Lose weight if you need to, don’t drink alcohol, sleep on your side are the first things that come to mind.

KnickersOfDoom · 23/10/2023 20:22

Best course of action, apologise for keeping her awake and book separate rooms next time. No need to dwell on things.

Lucyccfc68 · 23/10/2023 20:22

I hope that you are paying for her to have her own room. You kept her awake for 2 nights!

Missedmytoe · 23/10/2023 20:22

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

No, I would be upset to hear that but I'd also remember that I'd pushed for an answer having been told I wouldn't like it.

I snore from time to time. DH does too. If he falls asleep before me and starts up I cannot stand it and have to find somewhere else to sleep. We're both worse when we have colds.

So, whilst it's understandable to be upset, you should have left it at that. Nobody was expecting an immediate fix, but you could get it checked out. That way you put your mind at rest that there's nothing medically wrong.

Sausage1989 · 23/10/2023 20:24

You pushed her to tell you and she was truthful. When you're sleep deprived you literally can't help being moody. Your ex might have been a deep sleeper. Also, it's often a symptom of underlining health issues to snore..you shouldn't really snore so loud If you're healthy so go Dr's to be safe.

Sugargliderwombat · 23/10/2023 20:24

She didn't attack you you asked.

momtoboys · 23/10/2023 20:24

If I were in your shoes I would be embarrassed but I don't think I would have yelled at her and let it ruin the trip. You did push her for an answer.

Its5656 · 23/10/2023 20:25

When she told you after you pushed her for a reason that you had kept her awake for two nights instead of apologising you bit her head off. It's absolute hell trying to sleep in the same room as a snorer and for the sake of yourself and any future partners you definitely should speak to your GP.

Brefugee · 23/10/2023 20:25

tbh if i were the sister on night 2 i would have been waking OP up every 20 minutes. And then got another room.

ditalini · 23/10/2023 20:25

Probably shouldn't bother because this thread clearly will disappear in a minute, but...

YABU - sister was going to put up with it (probably because she knows you're not great at taking feedback) until you badgered her into telling her.

See your GP.

ProfSleepzz · 23/10/2023 20:25

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 19:27

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I mean I wouldn't like hearing it but I certainly wouldn't shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

This. Don’t ask the question if you’re not strong enough for the answer. I’m over sensitive so I mostly just don’t ask. If I do ask I brace myself to take it. Also, snoring really isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Just say you don’t want to fall out with her over it and enjoy the rest of your stay.

ThePoshUns · 23/10/2023 20:26

She hasn't shamed you at all.
You asked her and she told you, what was she supposed to be to say?
I can understand you are upset but at least now you know that you snore so that in future you can warn room mates in advance and they can bring ear plugs.

Lemonyyy · 23/10/2023 20:26

YABU

snoring makes it really difficult to sleep. My ILs all snore and it really affects my time with with them. But you’re just supposed to suck it up and deal with it because they can’t help it. But you can see your GP and do something about it, and you can buy your sister some cheap earplugs and stop making it about you and how hurt you are!

MangshorJhol · 23/10/2023 20:26

What does 'wearing your heart on your sleeve' have to do with anything? Some people who say that about themselves are often dramatic and prone to getting upset over little things.

  • you asked her again and again.
  • sleep deprivation is horrible
  • it's a factual thing to say. it's not mean
  • you could have said, I'm really sorry I didn't know. Please prod me next time. Or offer to get her a single room or SOMETHING.
  • instead you yelled at her
  • then she tried to suggest that you might need some external help. Again, this is her being helpful. You yelled at her again.
  • finally she broke and has moved into her own room and is avoiding you.

I am really really really struggling to see how the sister is at fault here. She hasn't had sleep, her own sister has yelled at her twice for something that is not HER fault, and is now playing the victim.
Did you want a scenario where your sister didn't sleep at all for several nights and never not mention it because you are 'sensitive'?

Cumbrianlife · 23/10/2023 20:27

NRTFT but this has to be a reverse. On the outside chance that it isn't... in no way are you the wronged party in this scenario.

BeeHappy12 · 23/10/2023 20:28

Hugely oversensitive!!!!! She literally answered a question you asked.

Queucumber · 23/10/2023 20:29

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

If someone had said that to me I’d be hugely apologetic for keeping them awake and I would’ve suggested separate rooms myself.

chaosmaker · 23/10/2023 20:29

@Aarrrgghh OTT and possibly menopausal if you're that upset about such a non thing. She did the right thing.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/10/2023 20:29

OP - for now put some cushions or pillows behind you to try and keep yourself on your side, that should help you not snore. When you talk to your sister, take a deep breath and count to 10 before you clap back. Dont push her for any more information and let go of feeling she needs to apologize. Remind yourself it is normal to be embarassed especially if you did not know you snored, but it is also ok for your sister to be tired. Try to put yourself in her shoes, that should help you with your reactions. Dont shout - ever.

Gillypie23 · 23/10/2023 20:30

You wanted to know she told you. You're overreacting.

5YearsLeft · 23/10/2023 20:30

I really, really hope this isn’t real. It’s definitely an... interesting… topic for OP’s first and only contribution to MN.

But as we should assume everything is real… no, OP, you can’t be an arsehole (force your sister to tell you, then PUNISH her for telling you by yelling at her and emotionally blackmail her by crying) and then excuse it by claiming you just have big feelings and you need to feel them. I mean, if we could, I’d just pull a “you,” be an arsehole to whoever because I dislike them or because it’s raining or because it’s Tuesday, and then claim I’m just an emotional person and I can’t do anything about it. What a fucking dramatic way to live, when you could just say, “Sorry for snoring like an elephant and keeping you awake.”

SD1978 · 23/10/2023 20:31

She's exhausted, you made her answer, you don't like the answer. Sue didn't shame you- you snore loudly enough sue hasn't slept in two days. She's done nothing wrong.

nocoolnamesleft · 23/10/2023 20:32

It's the sister that deserves an apology.