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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 20:06

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

I'm a terrible snorer, I would have been fine with it and just felt bad for ruining her break. She doesn't owe you an apology at all but you owe her a big one for flying off the handle.

You've really overreacted, and after you pushed her to tell you too. I have a relative like that and it's not easy, I keep my distance.

You call her aloof, but remember she has just as many feelings as you and they're just as valid - if she's more measured in her reactions and you behave like this regularly she's probably had a lifetime of tiptoeing around your emotions and is a bit sick of it.

grumpycow1 · 23/10/2023 20:07

You are being over-sensitive and this comes from a heavy snorer, some friends refuse point blank to share a room with me. I had to get nose strips for one trip with a friend. Those who sleep lightly can be really affected by it and you did push her for an answer. Maybe you could try some counselling if it’s upset you this much? Seems a bit disproportionate the level of upset it’s caused you.

TheresaOfAvila · 23/10/2023 20:07

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

No one wants to hear they are a snorer. That bit we get. The difference is that you seem to have an underlying belief that now that she’s said it (after 48 hours awake) you’re the victim, she is in the wrong, and any expectation of resilience on your part is outrageous.

Can’t you muster up any empathy for her here?

What did you actually expect her to do?

katepilar · 23/10/2023 20:08

You are being massively unreasonable. While you dont snore on purpose and cant stop it , its still you making awfyl lot of noise and its you keeping other person awake.

Its not mean to tell you that you snore, nor is it an attack.

What do you think would be an appropriate thing to do? Keep not sleeping for another few nights and not saying nothing?

AllstarFacilier · 23/10/2023 20:08

while you did ask, I don’t think there was any need for her to be arsey about it. It’s not like you can help it or you’re doing it on purpose, so I think she’s out of order for being in a mood about it without talking to you about it first. But I’d let her off with it if she’s not normally like that and just tired.

Sconehenge · 23/10/2023 20:08

She wasn’t “grumpy” she was tired! And you asked her what was wrong and she told you. Snoring isn’t a personal failing, you don’t need to take it personally… the normal reaction to being the snorer who keeps someone up is to say “oh god I’m sorry I didn’t realise! Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”

Apossum · 23/10/2023 20:10

Oh don’t be such an absolute wally. You pushed her into telling you why she was a bit grumpy then massively overreacting when she did, then overreacted again later. Shamed you indeed, stop being so pathetic.

Canisaysomething · 23/10/2023 20:10

If I was your sister I would have given you a shake in the middle of the night and been very vocal about your snoring. You are being WAY too sensitive here.

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 20:11

Op you said you wear your heart on your sleeve, I think you are maybe reading way too much into this. She got no sleep!!!!! She didn’t shame you, she told you why she seemed in a bad mood!!!!

beatrix1234 · 23/10/2023 20:11

You guys sound like two year olds. She should have gotten another room after the first night and nicely let you know that there was some snoring and she didn't had a great sleep, obvs said in a kind manner. You snore loud, it's very annoying for any person sleeping next to someone who snores, assume it and buy one of those nose devices they sell in boots next time you sleep with someone else. Don't take things so incredibly personal.

N27 · 23/10/2023 20:11

Sorry, I’m not exactly sure what you think she should have done?

She wasn’t going to mention it to you, until you forced her!

She didn’t “attack” you or say anything to suggest you were doing it on purpose. She said factually that your snoring is horrendous and it is impacting her, as it probably would anyone!

you are upset because you “need support” well guess what, she needs sleep!

you are upset that she’s taken steps to address the situation and booked a separate room, what do you want her to do? Lay awake next to you suffering for a third night just so you don’t feel hurt?

she has been entirely reasonable in her handling of this situation that is 100% not of her doing

for what it’s worth, I have relatives who snore horrendously. After one night sharing a room with them I now refuse to, and they’re ok with it and understand. They both have now been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and wear oxygen masks at night.

strawberriesarenot · 23/10/2023 20:11

Of course you are being unreasonable. You pushed for the truth, and got it. I hope you paid for your poor sister's room at least.

grumpycow1 · 23/10/2023 20:11

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Yes I have been told the exact same thing by friends. One friend left our room to sleep on a sofa in an Airbnb. I didn’t feel “shamed” I felt really bad for my friend and apologised. We moved on and it didn’t ruin our trip. I now get nose strips if I’m going away with her. You being over-emotional isn’t your sister’s fault. You need to find ways to tackle it and not feel like the victim.

DZbornak · 23/10/2023 20:12

Your sister sounds like a complete arsehole and I am sorry that you have been the target of the mumsnet arseholes on this thread! Talk about precious, the worst thing that has obviously happened to the majority of them is a disturbed nights sleep. She could easily have asked for ear plugs from reception, she is in the wrong here not you, hope you feel better soon.

Phiface77 · 23/10/2023 20:12

Your reaction seems a bit extreme. You cried and shouted at her...after shes tired and irritable because you've kept her awake.
You're previous roommates experiences arent really relevant. I might be a bit embarrassed but I'd only be ashamed if say I felt the reason I score was my fault. Is this the real issue?

crumblylancs · 23/10/2023 20:12

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Yes I'd be really fine with hearing that.. it's barely anything- she's not even give you any shit over it, you asked and she answered.

No one likes being told that they're unreasonable, which is understandable but look at how many people are saying you're in the wrong, you need to try and toughen up a bit or at least accept when you've maybe been over the top about something, you've said yourself you're emotional so maybe try and recognise when that's the case and realise that maybe that's the issue, not the other person.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 20:14

Canisaysomething · 23/10/2023 20:10

If I was your sister I would have given you a shake in the middle of the night and been very vocal about your snoring. You are being WAY too sensitive here.

I'd bet anything the sister has had a lifetime of this and knew fine well the drama that saying something would create. And so decided peaceful exhaustion was the better option.

ToEachHisOwnFear · 23/10/2023 20:14

She warned you that you wouldn't want to know. You say she made the trip miserable but you raising your voice and getting emotional on top of lack of sleep ruined the trip for her also. You have zero empathy but expect her to shower you with it

Brefugee · 23/10/2023 20:14

have only read OPs posts

You pestered her to tell you. And of course you're upset because your sister who has had 2 horrible nights with not enough sleep knew you'd be over-sensitive about it.

So next time: don't pester if someone doesn't want to tell you.

Nonplusultra · 23/10/2023 20:15

Posters have said that your dsis might have been grumpy because of sleep deprivation.

But if you’re snoring that badly OP, your own sleep quality is probably quite poor too. I’m wondering if your emotional sensitivity is linked to that?

I’ve had a child with sleep apnea and the difference once we got it sorted was incredible. He was a much calmer little person when he started getting full nights of sleep.

Please do get it checked out.

ConspiciouslyDifferent · 23/10/2023 20:15

Hi @Aarrrgghh,

I'm really sorry that you're so upset.

I think it's possible that you're struggling to cope with it because of sleep deprivation yourself, because the snoring is an indication that you are having trouble breathing during the night. That can happen when a person's adenoids swell up, which can happen because of food intolerance (e.g. wheat/dairy) or because of an allergy. I think it might be a really good idea to get one of those electronic trackers that measure your oxygen levels during the night to see if you are managing to breathe enough while you are sleep.

You can use an oura ring for that, and I'm sure there are probably other good trackers.

Nosleepforthismum · 23/10/2023 20:15

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

First of all OP, don’t be embarrassed! Most people have snored in their sleep at least once in their lives, it’s not something to be ashamed of.

The problem with snoring is that it is really disruptive to anyone sharing the bed(room) so you really should have just apologised to your sister and just told her to prod you if it happened again, and if it was too unmanageable you would get another hotel room so she can get a decent nights sleep. You overreacted and made it all about your feelings rather than dealing with the actual issue and finding a temporary solution so everyone can sleep.

Sounds like you may need to work on your self-esteem as I think this is probably the root cause.

Awrite · 23/10/2023 20:15

Without any further information, I have to say, I'm Team Sister.

You kept her awake for 2 nights. You should be apologising to her.

Rockschooldropout · 23/10/2023 20:16

Were you aware that you snore badly ? If so it might have been nice to advance warn your sister so she could bring earplugs … she clearly didn’t want to hurt your feelings but you pushed her and she was tired … YABU

BotanicalNames · 23/10/2023 20:16

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

But you pushed her and pushed her until she told you, even after it was clear she didn't want to. Maybe she was too blunt but none of what she was saying was untrue. Your poor sister didn't get any sleep for 2 nights, even if it's not exactly your fault, you shouldn't be playing the victim.