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Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
thedevilsgift · 23/10/2023 20:32

OP, its not so much that you are sensitive but more that you are overly self focussed and unable to accept responsibility for your own emotional reactions, but instead blame others for them. Not only that but you are seeking you use your emotional reactions to try to pressurise others into giving you what you want (in this case an apology even though your sister has done nothing wrong at all). Its an extremely manipulative and controlling way to behave. And it will only make you unhappy. Others will just walk away from relationships with you when they tire of being treated like this.

I suggest you seek some sort of counselling to address this.

Your sister did nothing wrong. She didn't want to answer but you pressed her to do so. So she answered you. It was not an attack it was a statement of fact. You showed no empathy for your sister but made it all about you. Now you are expecting her to apologise instead of you taking control of your own emotional reactions, or indeed talking to her about a solution that means she can get some sleep.

The fact that you cannot help snoring is neither here nor there. You sister still needs to sleep and you still need to take responsibility for your own emotions.

Aposterhasnoname · 23/10/2023 20:33

Why do people treat being told they snore like it’s some kind of mortal insult. I don’t get it. ExH was the same.

readbooksdrinktea · 23/10/2023 20:34

HermioneWeasley · 23/10/2023 18:58

Also, you weren’t being attacked - you repeatedly pushed her to tell you.

This!

She didn't shame you at all. You should have listened to her when she didn't want to answer.

readbooksdrinktea · 23/10/2023 20:35

thedevilsgift · 23/10/2023 20:32

OP, its not so much that you are sensitive but more that you are overly self focussed and unable to accept responsibility for your own emotional reactions, but instead blame others for them. Not only that but you are seeking you use your emotional reactions to try to pressurise others into giving you what you want (in this case an apology even though your sister has done nothing wrong at all). Its an extremely manipulative and controlling way to behave. And it will only make you unhappy. Others will just walk away from relationships with you when they tire of being treated like this.

I suggest you seek some sort of counselling to address this.

Your sister did nothing wrong. She didn't want to answer but you pressed her to do so. So she answered you. It was not an attack it was a statement of fact. You showed no empathy for your sister but made it all about you. Now you are expecting her to apologise instead of you taking control of your own emotional reactions, or indeed talking to her about a solution that means she can get some sleep.

The fact that you cannot help snoring is neither here nor there. You sister still needs to sleep and you still need to take responsibility for your own emotions.

Great post!

MinnieL · 23/10/2023 20:36

Aposterhasnoname · 23/10/2023 20:33

Why do people treat being told they snore like it’s some kind of mortal insult. I don’t get it. ExH was the same.

I don’t get it either. I’m always telling the kids dad to stfu because he makes too much noise. Equally he’ll tell me I snored a lot during the previous night. I say sorry and laugh it off. Not sure what the issue is really

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 23/10/2023 20:36

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

How many times can you say “I” and “me” in one post?

You pushed and pushed your sister to tell you what was wrong. When it turns out that you (however inadvertently) were the cause of the problem, all concern for your sister was forgotten - suddenly you were crying, shouting and saying she’d “shamed” you.

randomfemthinker · 23/10/2023 20:37

I understand it wasn't what you felt comfortable with hearing and you felt emotional over it but how should she have responded better when you were pushing for an answer to what was wrong with her? She hadn't slept and that WAS the reason why. She didn't just attack you and have a go, you kept asking her so she was honest and said. I don't think she owes you an apology or was trying to be hurtful. You snore heavily like a lot of people. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you can't control what happens when you're asleep but as well to move on as sisters, you now know it doesn't really work staying in the same room and you can figure things out differently next time. Good luck!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/10/2023 20:38

You owe your sister a massive apology. You were super rude to her, you asked, she said no, you asked again, she told you.

I once shared a hotel room with my Mum. Fuck me, her snoring was awful. I booked a separate room for the rest of the holiday.

If you are snoring badly, chances are you might need to see a doctor. Everyone snores from time to time, but sometimes there is a medical reason or it can just be caused by drinking alcohol, smoking or being overweight.

You're being over sensitive.

Littlelucas · 23/10/2023 20:39

Sorry but yanbu. You basically forced her to tell you what was wrong and then overreacted when she told you. I’m grumpy with no sleep so sympathise with her - however I would’ve just made a joke of it after the first night and booked another room. You do sound a bit mardy though.

Rachie1973 · 23/10/2023 20:39

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

I think you’re over reacting. Sorry and all that. You did demand to know.

RLmadmum · 23/10/2023 20:45

YABVU

You're demanding an apology for your sister giving you the truth after repeatedly being warned you wouldn't like to hear the answer. I feel for your poor, sleep-deprived sister, it's soul-destroying to be exhausted but being kept awake by what sounds like a freight train two foot away. I understand you didn't do it intentionally, but you need to apologise to her. Not just for the snoring (common courtesy) but for also jumping off the deep end and making a mountain out of a molehill out of this. No wonder she didn't want to tell you if she had an inkling this would be the kind of reaction she would get, you sound very over-dramatic.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 23/10/2023 20:46

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

I don't think you're oversensitive so much as one of those people who is an eternal victim. Not once have you expressed how tired your sister must have felt. It's all been about how YOU feel. I imagine you do a lot of that, and how awful other people are to you.

berry798 · 23/10/2023 20:47

I think if someone said this to me, I would be very embarrassed but profusely apologetic

Hayliebells · 23/10/2023 20:50

You did ask, and your over the top reaction to her telling you ruined the trip just as much as her honesty. If you do snore, it's not unreasonable for her to get some respite after two nights of it and book a separate room. Just accept that for what it is, which is not a slight on you, but a solution to a problem so she could get some sleep. You seem to be suggesting that you'd rather she kept quiet and put up with it, even though you pressed her for an answer, just to save your feelings. That's a bit selfish, so you might want to apologise to your sister.

FreeRider · 23/10/2023 20:50

I recently went on holiday with my partner of 14 years. He's recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and has put on quite a bit of weight since we first met. We've been on at least 10 holidays abroad in that time (we don't live together as he works 200 miles away).

This time, his snoring was so bad the first night that the second thing I did the next morning was book another hotel down the road to stay in (the place we were staying in had no free rooms). The first thing I did was tell him that his snoring was beyond terrible and no way on fucking Earth was I sharing a room with him again. I have been diagnosed with chronic insomnia and I ALWAYS put my sleep first.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/10/2023 20:52

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

She didn’t want to tell you because she knew she would upset you then you pushed for an answer. It’s not your fault you snore but it’s not hers either and she is the one who has had no sleep. Sorry YABU.

theduchessofspork · 23/10/2023 20:52

Oh OP I know it’s a bit of a jolt to hear you snore, but you are being TOTALLY unreasonable. You pushed her for an answer and she gave you one. What do you want her to do?

You can look into it when you get home and if you do have to share a room again you can bring earplugs for the person.

You need to apologise to your sister. It’s a bit embarrassing of course, but many people snore and none of this is her fault.

SD1978 · 23/10/2023 20:52

Do you always play the woe is me victim? She didn't shame you, she answered your questions, and you've over reacted. which I assume is what usually happens? She's dealt with it, by getting another room so she can sleep, but you reckon she owes you an apology? Maybe be great full you guys can enjoy the rest of the trip, however long it is, because she's not going to be tired?

badhappenings · 23/10/2023 20:53

You asked her twice to tell you. Did you want her to lie to you?

Sorry but you've really over-reacted. You should have just apologized and offered to buy her a strong coffee and that would have been that.

She's very understandably extremely exhausted and you are extremely over-sensitive.

Just be honest with yourself and accept yourself.

Bahhhhhumbug · 23/10/2023 20:55

What did you want her to do when you insisted on hearing it ....make something up?
You sound really hard work.

AllstarFacilier · 23/10/2023 20:55

Just out of interest, if someone was seeming upset and you asked then what was wrong and their response was “you don’t want to know”, how many people would say ok and not ask again, and how many would say to be told?

Lndnmummy · 23/10/2023 20:58

How was she shaming you OP? She is sleep deprived having not slept. You asked her and she (correctly) told you you wouldn't want to know. She was right.

She is not shaming you
She is not attacking you
You insisted she tell you
Then you shouted at her

You should be apologising to her.

TweetypiePez · 23/10/2023 21:04

@Aarrrgghh i think you’re getting a really hard time off posters here.

Snoring is something you cannot control. Additionally, if you live alone you probably have no idea you are snoring either.

You don’t have to apologise for something you cannot control. Your sister could have raised it in a much kinder way. She chose to raise it in a way that was upsetting to you, and felt shaming, but that’s on her. It really isn’t hard to be kind and considerate. It says far more about your sister than it does about you.

I say all this as someone who had a husband with sleep apnea which took years to diagnose. I would never, ever have tried to blame or shame him for something which wasn’t his fault. I dealt with it with kindness and compassion. Yes it was difficult at times, but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. I certainly wouldn't have expected him to apologise for it, it wasn’t his fault. I’ve never known someone to snore ‘on purpose’. People can be really unreasonable about things like this.

YANBU. Please don’t apologise to you sister, you’ve done nothing wrong. If she is a decent person she will realise she was being unfair and apologise to you.

Brigitte57 · 23/10/2023 21:04

Respectfully and kindly OP, but I think the fact that you’ve had a tough time recently made you a bit sensitive.

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 21:05

Did you use the word 'shaming' in your title because you are overweight @Aarrrgghh ?

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