Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

She's not shaming you. She was grumpy from not being able to sleep, you asked what was wrong, she reluctantly told you, and you started crying. 🙄

Whether it bothered your ex or not, she'd had two nights of disturbed sleep without raising it with you, which is more than a lot of people would let go. I feel more for her in this story to be honest.

I’d be a bit embarrassed and I’d be apologising profusely for keeping her awake. I definitely wouldn’t be shouting, crying and accusing her of ‘shaming’ and ‘attacking’ me 🤣 sorry but you’re being ridiculous.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

A good way not to be emotional about something like this is to put yourself in the other person's shoes - think about how miserable it must be to be unable to enjoy a few day in a hotel because your room mate is snoring and you get no sleep, very few people function well or are cheerful when they have had no sleep.

Think about the part you played in the fall out you insisted she tell you that the problem was, even though she didn't want to tell you. If you hadn't done that, the fall out would not have happened.

You can't help snoring if no one tell you about it, but there are remedies and snoring impacts other people, so the onus is on you to look into finding a solution or at the least next time you roomshare provide ear plugs.

Viewing yourself as having been 'shamed' and somehow being a victim when in fact someone else has suffered is not being 'emotional' it is being utterly self absorbed.

I think you're both overreacting a little. I'm not sure why your sister didn't nudge you or tell you to roll over like plenty of wives do with their husbands. Why did she spend two nights silently seething?? You're sisters, and presumably relaxed enough with each other to have a normal discussion?

She didn't attack you 🙄. You insisted she tell you the problem and she did.
You've probably spoilt her trip a lot more than she did yours; first with your snoring and then your drama and demand for apologies for her comment on a situation you had caused.

Would I be upset if I was told I’d kept my sister awake 2 nights in a row due to my snoring?
Yes, but not for the same reasons as you.
If be a bit mortified and very guilty that stopped her sleeping. I’d be apologising profusely and taking steps to see what could be done about it.
She did NOT ‘attack’ you! You forced her to tell you what the problem was and have then had a paddy because you didn’t like the answer!
Your poor sister! Does everything always have to be about you and your sensitive feelings!

She’s not shaming you.
She’s done nothing wrong.
The world doesn’t revolve around you!

She could have been more tactful and approached it as being concerned for your health, without being harsh. But I kind of understand her frame of mind, because when I am sleep-deprived, I am not at my most diplomatic either. 😀

At any rate, you should really consider seeing your doctor and discussing a sleep study. Sleep apnoea can cause major preventable health problems and is fairly easy to treat.

Theres nothing more soul destroying than trying to sleep in a room with someone that's snoring really loudly.

Yes to the above comment. It destroyed my relationship & basically my life/health which I'm trying to sort out out.

My ex & I had lived in a tiny one bed flat. I never appreciated how loud and agonising it was having to deal with his snoring until we lived together. I had been suffering with a headache from three nights of almost no sleep and asked the pharmacist for the strongest painkillers. Which gave me the most amazing sleep that night.....a decade later I'm trying to overcome an addiction to codeine.

You are being oversensitive, you pushed her for an answer and she was honest. She did not shame you, she did not attack you. While my ex was hurt & briefly angry he understood that his snoring was something I couldn't live with. I ended it before I started to really hate him.

She’s tired, and you are being very insensitive

there are things you could have tried, sleep on your side, sleep sitting up a bit

if I had two nights of sleeplessness I would have booked my own room

its not all about you

You've been a bit if a twit to be honest. Put on your grown up hat and contact her to apologise.

I would be mortified but no, unless she said it really nastily I would not be upset at her. For a start, as you say, it’s not your fault, so it’s not personal, she’s not saying something terrible about you - and she’s giving an honest and factual answer about why she’s grumpy, when you insisted she did. Should she have lied?

Snoring is something which lots of people experience, and which many of them seek treatment for, it’s not something to be ashamed about and unless there is more to it than you’ve said here about how she was towards you then it sounds like she’s just been honest when pressed. You should try and find a way to sort out how you can both get sleep for the rest of the holiday (I’m also with those who would have said I was so sorry!) and then look at seeing a doctor when home. Try not to take it so personally and enjoy your holiday.

I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

How is this an attack? You asked repeatedly, basically making her tell you. Maybe ask your ex if you did actually snore. They probably didn’t tell you because they didn’t want to upset you either.

I can imagine OP wouldn't have taken too kindly to that either.

The sister is probably walking on eggshells all the time.

It’s not shaming. If she laughed at you and made snoring noises whilst you asked her to stop, or stood on a chair at breakfast and announced “get this everyone, my sister snores SO loudly, isn’t that AWFUL?!”, or texted all your friends to announce it, that would be an attempt to embarrass or ‘shame’ you. She has told you
something you do which is not a shameful activity, just a fact of life. The polite thing is to apologise for any disruption caused, although it’s not technically something to apologise for as it’s completely out of your control and not done on purpose. But a polite ‘sorry about that’ would be a common reaction.

Yes, I might feel upset at having kept someone awake, at not being aware, at having pushed and pushed and made them feel uncomfortable telling me something I needed to know and wouldn't find out any other way.

You can feel upset about learning something and it still doesn't mean the other person shamed you. You know what that means right? It means they've mocked you, been mean, taken the piss etc.

It does not mean 'told you about something'.

Prop yourself up, sleep so you don't roll on your back or so you're not forcing your mouth open (My DP snored far worse if he slept with his hand under his cheek as it pushed his gob open)... and when you can, see a GP for a referral to check for sleep apnea to find out how bad your breathing etc in sleep actually is.

Look up ‘how to build emotional resilience’ and do it.

Your posting is so self-centred. Because you feel you can't help snoring it's all about you being upset rather than you having any regard for your sister whose sleep you disturbed. You should be apologising to her. She clearly knew how you would react based on past experience though.

I can not bear snoring and can not stay in a room with someone who snores at any level. You sound like you have a serious issue and may want to see your GP. Your sister is not being unreasonable. She does not need to put up with this and you sound absolutely irrational. She will have had no sleep. It is unbearable to have to put up with snoring.

What on Earth do you think she owes you an apology for? You pushed her to tell you what was wrong and she told you.

You are massively overreacting, like a pp I thought you were going to say she’d complained to all your family about it, but in fact you asked her what the matter was and she’s told you she’s tried and grumpy because you’re snoring and keeping her awake. You’re not in the wrong (assuming you didn’t know you snored, did you?) but neither is she, and after that reaction, if anyone should be apologising it’s you.

Your making issues over nothing. People snore it's one of them things least next time you will know so you can book single rooms.

It's done, it's finished. Now just let it go. You have nothing to gain by continuing unless you want to cause bad feelings.

Wow you sound so self absorbed. You honestly feel attacked and shamed?!?

I’d be pretty grumpy too, if I couldn’t sleep for 2 nights because of your snoring.

@Aarrrgghh I snore. My husband snores. Sometimes we moan at each other about lack of sleep.
It's horrible to be kept awake. No, you can't help it but please don't take her complaint so personally.

YABU - it's not an attack to say (and she didn't even want to say it, she was trying to spare your feelings) that you kept her awake snoring - if it happened it's a fact. You should have said sorry not got defensive.

Is there a Boots or chemist or anything nearby? They have a whole range of things that help with snoring, including throat and nasal sprays, both of which can be very effective in the short term.