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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
PansyP · 24/10/2023 15:57

My emotionally abusive ex used to say he "wore his heart on his sleeve."

It's basically a gaslighty way of making other people accommodate your lack of emotional regulation.

lmg9621 · 24/10/2023 16:33

Sorry OP, but you're being 100% unreasonable, immature and petty. You're not listening to her, instead you are just getting defensive because you feel embarrassed. She tried to hide it but you pushed her, and why shouldn't she tell you? If your own sister can't tell you, then who can? Is this how you react to all negative feedback in your life, or do people shy away from giving it knowing how you'll react?

Milkymilkymama · 24/10/2023 16:49

Dealt with this when sharing a room visiting home at uni with sister. It was horrendous, no sleep, so loud. I feel for her. Sleep deprivation affects your mood, your function, everything. She tried to be polite and not tell you. She can't possibly be cheerful on no sleep.

My sister did go to Dr as a result of my moaning. She got diagnosed with sleep apnea. She now has a machine when she sleeps.

Men sleep heavier than women so your ex probably drifted off before you started. I wouldn't recommend sharing rooms when away.

dibley27 · 24/10/2023 17:12

If she was trying to be hurtful, she would have told you without being asked. She specifically tried not to hurt your feelings - you insisted on being told, and were offended when she told you the truth.
I'm not sure what answer she could have given that wouldn't have upset you. It's certainly not shaming - there's nothing particularly embarrassing about snoring.
Just move on and don't share a room in future!

AnnieSnap · 24/10/2023 18:29

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

It really doesn’t sound like you have been attacked. Your sister simply told you the truth after you pressed her. She hadn’t been able to sleep due to your snoring and was knackered. You could maybe see the doctor and explore why you snore. There might actually be able to do something about it.

You over-reacted to your sister, crying and shouting at her is an over-emotional reaction to the reality of the situation. You say you had had a difficult time recently. Perhaps that’s why you are feeling like this about an incident that could have been discussed in a calm mature way. Maybe you would benefit from some counselling or therapy.

DaggerIsle · 24/10/2023 18:33

I feel so bad for your poor sister. It sounds like she knew you were going to have a massive tantrum over a simple observation and she tried really hard to deflect.
Must have been really hard to grow up as the 'aloof' sister...

Johnnybegood2 · 24/10/2023 18:33

I think your reaction is really over the top and you reacted exactly as she expected you too.

You could have just said sorry, and suggested some earplugs.

Waste of emotion to cry over someone telling you you snore. I'd also go to Doctor as she suggests as it can be a sign of sleep apnea.

Clearly you've got other stuff going on that has caused this to trigger you.

DublinManc · 24/10/2023 18:38

I have struggled with my weight and I’ve been told that I snore by my Husband. I understand that it isn’t nice to hear but they are telling you that out of concern.
I have lost 4 stone this year with Slimming World and my husband says that I hardly ever snore now.
Losing weight will help, but you should also see your GP about it. I also think you should talk to your sister. I don’t think she was shaming you. If you’re allowed to be sensitive, she’s allowed to be grumpy. We all have off days.

JRM17 · 24/10/2023 18:41

My husband is a terrible snorer and I regularly punch and kick him several times a night to shut him the fk up, so you just want to be grateful it wasn't me you were sharing a room with as you certainly would not have had to ask me what the problem was.

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/10/2023 18:42

As usual, I disagree with the majority.
If she didnt want you yo know she was upset, she wouldn't have been huffy. If she didn't want you to know why she was huffy, she would have made up something else.

So yes, she wanted you to know, yes she was being hurtful, maybe because she was sleep deprived, or maybe because she's mean.
I think you are right to be upset, its like saying you're fed up because someone can't hear well.
Not something you can change easily.

However you can be the bigger person here, forgive her for being an oaf, but make sure you tell anyone you are going to share a room with, before you book.
Don't let it ruin your sistership, defo not worth it

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 24/10/2023 18:45

@Ukrainebaby23 the sister is an 'oaf' for being upset, but the snoring dramatic op is in the right?

Sakura7 · 24/10/2023 18:52

@Ukrainebaby23 So the sister has to be a saint after two sleepless nights, but OP is allowed to throw a tantrum like a toddler because 'feelings'?

She said nothing after the first night and actually did try to get OP to leave it after the second one, presumably because she knew exactly what would happen.

I bet the sister is pretty upset about being on the receiving end of such a ridiculous tirade. I imagine it's just the latest in a long line of them.

WhoWants2Know · 24/10/2023 18:55

I think it would be more productive to look for solutions than focusing on the hurt feelings. Snore strips, nose clips, etc.

Wheresthebeach · 24/10/2023 18:55

You are being completely unreasonable and a bit of a brat. Apologise to her and get sleep apnea checked out.

confuddledDOTcom · 24/10/2023 19:02

I don't often post on here anymore but this is a pet topic of mine.

Firstly, maybe she could have been a bit more sensitive about how she told you but sleeping next to a snorer can be frustrating.

Secondly, please talk to your GP! Snoring shouldn't disturb other people. When it does that's a sign of something being wrong and I don't want to sound hyperbolic but snoring is life threatening. I say this to anyone who has a partner that disturbs them or they get told by their partner they are disruptive. Society has made it into a joke topic but we need to take it seriously. My sister wrote off two cars and injured people, my dad flipped his car and broke my nieces neck, my partner has fallen asleep on their feet and thankfully the only damage at the wheel was hitting a bollard.

Sallyh87 · 24/10/2023 19:03

I snore, therefore I would never share with anyone other than my DH. He now describes it as a bit of a white noise machine and can’t sleep without it. I would never subject anyone else to it.

GinghamTrousers · 24/10/2023 19:03

Sleeping with someone who snores is horrific OP. I’m sorry to tell you but it’s just terrible, it ruined me trying to sleep I. The same house as my ex and whenever we talked about it he was always really defensive with ‘it’s not my fault’ - but didn’t do anything about it, so I had to suffer. But snoring isn’t normal. It really isn’t. It’s common but not normal.You should get yourself checked out medically and try and reduce your snoring because there are things you can do about it and it may be indicating a deeper issue.

Fatcat00 · 24/10/2023 19:06

🔧

Whatonearthdidicomeinherefor · 24/10/2023 19:06

Lack of sleep is awful. She was obviously feeling really tired. You pushed her for an answer & didn’t like it. She solved the immediate problem by booking another room. You raised your voice to her. It’s not your fault that you snore-neither is it hers.

venus7 · 24/10/2023 19:12

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

But you asked.......

pumpykins · 24/10/2023 19:13

You are lucky im not your sister as i wouldn’t have been so tactful

my OH gets a kick in the ribs most nights

DoughBallss · 24/10/2023 19:13

You asked and she answered, not sure how you’re seeing that as an attack? You snore it is what it is…really not too sure why you’re taking it so personally.

Roselilly36 · 24/10/2023 19:14

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. If after one night she didn’t sleep, why didn’t she buy ear plugs or book another room? If you are very close have you not shared a room before? How would you know if you snore?

Barney60 · 24/10/2023 19:18

From someone who's tried to sleep next to a snorer its not easy, i ended up grumpy and tired so ended up in a different room.
Did you know you snored badly?
If you did you should of told her beforehand so she had the option to book another room for all the stay then you wouldn't of fell out.
If you didnt know then she should of told you after the first night.
I dont think she owes you an apology sorry.

BarchesterTowels · 24/10/2023 19:23

I've been on both sides of this, I've shared rooms with snorers and for many years my OH has put up with my snoring. And in my view YABU. It's exhausting having your sleep disturbed two nights running, and if you hadn't pushed her to tell you she wouldn't have said anything about it. And yes, snoring that persistent is definitely worth getting checked out by a doctor. And speaking personally, when I was first told that I had snored and kept somebody else awake, I was not angry, I was embarrassed and apologetic. I certainly did not regard it as an attack. Sibling dynamics often make it difficult to prevent stuff like this from seeming personal, but you really do need to try to see this dispassionately and understand her point of view.

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