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Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
crumblylancs · 24/10/2023 10:05

My sister acts like this OP, emotions are just on another level! Even me making basic decisions for my own life set her off if she feels hard done by, our mum panders to it and says she can't help how she feels - unfortunately when I say she's too much and I don't want to deal with it my feelings are not considered okay 🤷🏻‍♀️ here we are with me estranged from the majority of my family because I really just can't be arsed with the constant guilt trips, my life is much calmer with less drama now.

If you want to keep your friends and family, you need to learn to control your own emotions

Sakura7 · 24/10/2023 10:24

crumblylancs · 24/10/2023 10:05

My sister acts like this OP, emotions are just on another level! Even me making basic decisions for my own life set her off if she feels hard done by, our mum panders to it and says she can't help how she feels - unfortunately when I say she's too much and I don't want to deal with it my feelings are not considered okay 🤷🏻‍♀️ here we are with me estranged from the majority of my family because I really just can't be arsed with the constant guilt trips, my life is much calmer with less drama now.

If you want to keep your friends and family, you need to learn to control your own emotions

That's one thing I find awful and yet it seems so common. Why is it that the person behaving badly gets supported and the person who (rightfully) has had enough ends up isolated? It's so very unfair.

People who pander to this kind of behaviour help to create these monsters.

RethinkingLife · 24/10/2023 10:38

If you want to keep your friends and family, you need to learn to control your own emotions

Although, in too many cases, it's the person who doesn't control emotions who keeps family and friends. It's the people who do control themselves who are ostracised for being unfeeling or not understanding or occasionally observing the level of emotional manipulation that is happening.

Frasers · 24/10/2023 10:50

RethinkingLife · 24/10/2023 10:38

If you want to keep your friends and family, you need to learn to control your own emotions

Although, in too many cases, it's the person who doesn't control emotions who keeps family and friends. It's the people who do control themselves who are ostracised for being unfeeling or not understanding or occasionally observing the level of emotional manipulation that is happening.

Agree, irs manipulative behaviour, the squeaky wheel gets the grease type thing. If I kick off then I get the sympathy and the other person looks bad. Even on here the op posted she was upset with the answers, I assume as she thought people would then feel sorry for her.

what gets me though is the total lack of empathy or care for her sister. She doesn’t even think to pretend to give a shit. She said she’s now avoiding her sister, so effectively giving her the silent treatment, after shouting at her, crying. And going so ott all because the poor woman said she snored badly. And now starting a thread so people can tell her she’s right.

i hope she woke up this morning and apologised to her poor sister. Who clearly knows all too well how the op behaves and didn’t even say something the first night and only explained when pushed the second.

Most folks would simply wake up the first night and say fuck me you snoring so bad last night I’m knackered, in fact more, most folks would have given her a good shove in the night and told her to shut the hell up. The sister is coming across like a saint in this.

iang4563 · 24/10/2023 13:51

My ex snored. And it was loud. In fact she had a sleep problem caused by her own selfishness - but that is a different story altogether. When you get two to three hours sleep a night, it does not take long before you start to get tired, irritable and start acting irrationally. If you have a problem with snoring then yes it can affect those in the same bed or room (or in my exes case flat as she could be heard about 10 metres away). If it is loud, then you may have a sleep disorder. Go and see your GP. Put your mind at rest

Spareus · 24/10/2023 13:54

@iang4563 listening to a snorer all night is torture 😱 but curious as to how it can be caused by selfishness?

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 13:56

You are being utterly ridiculous.

Kelljo83 · 24/10/2023 14:00

You are overreacting x100.
You asked your sister what was wrong and she told you! Sleeping next to a loud snorer is hard! She didn't attack you, she just told you the truth.

In all honesty I think you need to apologies to her for going off on one. People snore, but you should have just said oh I'm sorry, I didn't know. The way you reacted is very OTT imo

iang4563 · 24/10/2023 14:01

It was a long story. She went part time to look after her mum, then when her mum went into a home she never went back full time. She would come home at about 2pm, and get about 4 - 5 hours of solid sleep , then when I got home at about 6 to 6.30 would b grouchy because I woke her up, then she would be watching TV to about 2 in the morning because she was not tired, then would wake me up when she went to bed, then would start snoring. I tried sleeping in a seperate room but it was like an electric jackhammer. She refused to even acknowledge that she had a problem, and it was only when I said I was leaving her after I had nearly pranged the car whilst driving because I dozed off at the wheel that she actually realised I was being serious. 2 to 3 hours sleep night in night out without a break is horrible. You find yourself going to sleep when you should not be, and it is not good for mental health either.

Spiralgirl · 24/10/2023 14:02

I think most people here are not picking up the subtext. It sounds like this sister shames you a lot and everyone wading in shaming you is not going to help you. Truth is, no one commenting was there. I snore too my current husband just deals with it as and when my previous one made it this terrific personal drama. She could have been polite or assertive about it but she chose to shame you so much that you needed to get support online. Then everyone wades in and shames you. Most pepple snore from time to time.

IDGAF97 · 24/10/2023 14:03

You asked her several times what's wrong she warned you wouldn't want to know she was only saying your a loud snorer maybe don't take it to heart she didn't attack you then you shouted at her for telling you the truth... Your a loud snorer maybe she was also trying to help you by telling you to see a doctor some people have sleep apnea snoring can tell alot about someone's health she didn't mean it spitefully pull your big girl pants up and tell your sister your sorry for shouting at her. She didn't ruin your holiday if anything you ruined hers by not letting her sleep 🤣🤣 my partner is a loud snorer so I know how bad it can get and how much it can disturb you if your not used to it

RB68 · 24/10/2023 14:03

Frankly sharing with a snorer is the worst. Of course she was grumpy - no sleep - when told were you apologetic - no completely self centred.

You apologise to her and sort your snoring, doesn't effect you but those you supposedly love

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 14:17

WOW. You kept her awake all night, for two nights, snoring. She said nothing, you insisted she tell you, then you cried and made it all about you and how hurt you are and how she should apologise to you!?!

WOW, are you self absorbed! She did not shame you, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Hadjab · 24/10/2023 14:19

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 21:25

Ok I hear what people are saying but I'm just a bit taken aback.

I've always been emotional, I don't know how to turn it off. Is it really so bad I need help?

Feel even more upset now and I know people will say that's silly but I can't help it

You do seem a little overly sensitive, and it never hurts to have coping strategies in place. CBT may work for you, to help you build up your resilience.

Laura0076 · 24/10/2023 14:21

I'm very sensitive but here i think the problem is that you understand that your weight will be causing issues with your snoring. So unintentionally your sister has upset you.
I'm extremely close to my sister and she wouldn't have put it so nicely.
You asked and asked her till she gave in
... focus on the fact that she was willing to say nothing and let it go because she loves you. To offer you advice to get some help with it is reasonable as far as I'm concerned. Lots of people do. She cares about you... the fact it ended up making you insecure and start raising your voice is the reason she didn't want to say anything.
If I were you I'd be apologising to my sister for over reacting then let it go... its not a big deal and absolutely not worth avoiding your sister over.

AnneValentine · 24/10/2023 14:27

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

YABVU. You asked. She said leave it. You didn’t.

What did you expect her to do? You’re snoring. You kept her awake. How have you made this all about you? Did you apologise?

You are being very very selfish and frankly ridiculous.

crumblylancs · 24/10/2023 14:35

@Sakura7 100%

And my mum wonders why I don't go and see her that often 🤷🏻‍♀️ she always tells me about what's going on in their lives and how I should apologise and make up with them. Guilt tripping me about how when she dies she doesn't want me estranged and how I need to understand her emotions are because of how upset she is 🙄 it makes me even less sympathetic

crumblylancs · 24/10/2023 14:37

Spiralgirl · 24/10/2023 14:02

I think most people here are not picking up the subtext. It sounds like this sister shames you a lot and everyone wading in shaming you is not going to help you. Truth is, no one commenting was there. I snore too my current husband just deals with it as and when my previous one made it this terrific personal drama. She could have been polite or assertive about it but she chose to shame you so much that you needed to get support online. Then everyone wades in and shames you. Most pepple snore from time to time.

No one is saying they were there but we can only go off what the OP has posted 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's where everyone's opinions have come from.

Also at what point does it indicate her sister shames her a lot? It's not shaming someone to say "you were snoring" after trying to avoid the conversation

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2023 14:40

She actually tried to avoid upsetting you because she knew you’d be over sensitive about it but you insisted on knowing - I don’t see why you wouldn’t just laugh it off and apologise for snoring

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 24/10/2023 14:42

You had a go at her because she answered your question? After you insisted she answer your question?

YABVVVVVVVVVU! You owe her two apologies. One massive one for your tantrum and another for snoring as that's what decent people do. It doesn't matter whether it's your 'fault' for snoring, it still had an effect on your sister so you apologise. Just as i always do whenever my snoring keeps anyone awake 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unicorntearsofgin · 24/10/2023 14:42

Spiralgirl · 24/10/2023 14:02

I think most people here are not picking up the subtext. It sounds like this sister shames you a lot and everyone wading in shaming you is not going to help you. Truth is, no one commenting was there. I snore too my current husband just deals with it as and when my previous one made it this terrific personal drama. She could have been polite or assertive about it but she chose to shame you so much that you needed to get support online. Then everyone wades in and shames you. Most pepple snore from time to time.

It doesn’t read that the sister shamed her. More she tried to avoid confrontation until pushed. Very loud snoring could be sleep apnea so the OP should really get checked out to be on the safe side. I don’t think the sister did anything wrong although I am guessing as she was sleep deprived she was probably a bit short

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 24/10/2023 14:42

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

She did NOT attack you OP

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 14:52

I very much doubt the sister constantly "shames" her (stupid phrase). I do not doubt OP has histrionics frequently and everyone has to tippy toe around around so she doesn't cry and make everything about her

FreebieWallopFridge · 24/10/2023 15:30

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 14:52

I very much doubt the sister constantly "shames" her (stupid phrase). I do not doubt OP has histrionics frequently and everyone has to tippy toe around around so she doesn't cry and make everything about her

Yep. That’s absolutely what I think too

PansyP · 24/10/2023 15:54

OP you need to grow up. You aren't being shamed or attacked. This ridiculous over exaggerated use of words is childish, and you are being oversensitive. Just because you FEEL attacked doesnt mean you are. (Im willing to bet this isnt the first time someone has said this to you.) It might be that she too is being oversensitive and grumpy about your snoring but she is tired and you did ask.