Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

I have a friend who was morbidly obese. She and her sister had to travel back to Italy for a family funeral. They shared their childhood room . My friend snored so loudly that ,on the second night, her sister recorded the tremendous noise so her sister could listen to how loud she was the following morning. She has since been to a doctor and got help with the snoring. She has also lost 3 stone so far.
My husband had covid recently. He usually snores relatively quietly and only when he rolls onto his back. After covid his snore was deafening for a week. I moved into a spare bedroom. I cannot cope with disturbed sleep. I'm too old...and too menopausal.

So basically you wanted her to say nothing, pretend that everything's hunky dory and continue to suffer through sleepless nights? So not to upset your sensibilities? And she's a cow, because she didn't do it? And told you you snore (factual info)? And somehow you're the aggrieved party? Riiight. Feel sorry for your sister.

There's nothing more annoying in this world than dramatic, oversensitive, waterworks over every little shit people, argh.

You asked - she answered. You snore - that's a fact. Snoring is not shameful, not some stain on your character or moral failing. I was fat at one point, I liked a drink (or two) and snored. I was told this by a friend we shared a room with once. All three things were correct, what's to be insulted about?

Goodness me, do people really behave like this, is this a reverse?

op, can’t you rationalise or understand healthy behaviour, you maybe need some help with your reactions. You snore, so what, plenty of people do, it has a huge impact on anyone sharing a room with you.

your sister clearly knows you can’t cope with any form of feedback so tried not to tell you. Does no logical part of you think god she’s knackered, instead of this upset attention seeking reaction?

I genuinely think you need some help.

YABU sleeping even a few hours with a heavy snorer is awful!!

'I am even more upset now'.
Why do you ask for opinions, if you don't want the opinion? 🤷‍♀️

Op, do you often struggle to show a complete lack of empathy for others and attack if anyone says something you perceive as negative about you?

does any part of you understand that crying and shouting at her for saying you snore is beyond unacceptable and you owe her an apology?

I think this would be a good idea for everyone's sake.

Try apologising to your sister. You may find it helps you feel better

Although it will only feel better if you genuinely mean it.

Good grief. I'd not be speaking to you now if I was her, you're being ridiculous and quite the princess, tbh. What an awful, childish way to behave. No, you can't help snoring, but you should be apologising for not only ruining her sleep but having the nerve to behave like an absolute diva over it after. No wonder she was reluctant to tell you the truth. Yours are not the only needs and feelings that matter. "I've always been emotional" is not an excuse for failing to act like a grown up, consider other people's feelings and having a tantrum at someone else for... not being able to sleep because of you. How do you think she feels being yelled at?

I can't sleep in a room with snorers either. Have never been able to, it's awful when you really can't. (I've now been punished for my years of being bothered by it by becoming a snorer myself). I would NEVER react the way you have, never.

I had read the initial posts and couldn't understand why you were so sensitive about it. If it was me & my sister and I was the snorer I'd feel bad at her lack of sleep and I'd apologise but we'd have a laugh about it too. I'd feel guilty but don't think I'd say "ashamed"

However, I then read the update and the way you've associated it with your weight and the "ashamed" comment makes so much more sense.

Would you be "ashamed" if you were happy with your weight?

@Frasers i do think this is a reverse

You sound just like my sister. She's 'emotional' and loses her shit over any perceived criticism, or at any minor inconvenience.

It's exhausting. She likes to claim we don't get on because our personalities clash. It's actually because I'm tired of her shit and the older I get the less inclined I am to tolerate it. Unfortunately, the older she gets the more entitled she becomes.

I empathise with your sister.

Honestly, get help, and not just for your snoring.

Think your too sensitive tbh.

I can't sleep when there's loud snorers. My dad's the worse. Keeps me awake it's so loud, I don't blame him but I'm allowed to be annoyed that I get no sleep because he sounds like a fog horn.

You weren't being attacked. At all. You attacked her with your shouting. You owe your sister a massive apology. Poor woman- getting no sleep, not wanting to say anything, being forced to mention what the issue was, then being shouted at for answering truthful. What on earth was she expected to do - lie??

Your sister meant you need help with your snoring, not your overreaction to being told that you snore!

Grow up. You are a loud snorer, like myself and others on here. We stop loved ones from sleeping. You say you can't help it - how do you know that you can't do anything about it?

Apologise to your sister and see a professional about your snoring. Stop blubbing.

Honestly I don't know. I think I would still feel very embarrassed.

I struggle a lot with criticism

But she didn't attack you. You demanded that she tell you.

Sleep deprivation is awful. She was sensitive because she wasn't going to tell you until you pushed. No doubt she was just going to let it go.

You're upset because she told you that you snore after your pushed for an answer. She is also right that a medical check up is in order for your own well being.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for very good reason - it works. If you can’t sleep through snoring, it’s awful. She was quite right to get another room, I would have had to.

Apart from the snoring, you sound rather over dramatic. That’s not much fun to be around either.

So @Aarrrgghh What are you going to do to improve things for yourself? You’ve had some good insight and advice given to you in this thread. Are you going to use any of it to help yourself?

Or are you going to ignore everyone, do nothing and continue being a professional victim?

Snoring is terrible for the other person.
Fix your snoring - stop snoring!!

Op, it’s not an attack - it’s an explanation.

it’s not something you’ve chosen to do - but equally it’s not something that didn’t affect her negatively. She’s not criticising you and she shouldn’t have to lie to tiptoe round you.

it just is what it is. Move on if you can, it would be a real shame if you allowed this to spoil a relationship that’s important to you.

@Aarrrgghh You prodded for an answer and didn't like what you heard. I understand your embarrassment, but your sister sounds like she was trying to cope and not make you uncomfortable in the first place.
Snoring is a sign of certain medical conditions, including sleep apnea, which can be dangerous. Book an appt with your GP and try to get into a sleep clinic for assessment (usually an overnight stay); or an ENT specialist at the least. Don't ignore this.

Honestly I don't know. I think I would still feel very embarrassed.

I struggle a lot with criticism

@Aarrrgghh - but you're quite happy to criticise your sister here, so I imagine you're happy to criticise other people too?

Your sister saying you snore is not a value judgement. She didn't say you were a bad person.

How do you take criticism at work?

I don’t understand this at all. You asked her a question. She didn’t want to answer because she knew you’d be upset. You demanded an answer. She gave you it. You got upset as predicted.

and she’s in the wrong? How?!