Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

You don’t have to turn off being upset.

You have to stop behaving badly.

Do you understand the difference?

My dp snores and we sleep in separate rooms-his choice as he doesn’t want to wake me-it’s exhausting. I tell him it’s loud-it’s not ‘shaming’-it’s providing information. What would you prefer she do-lie?

YABVU. She hasn't 'attacked' you in any way, shape or form. Interesting that you describe yourself as 'heart on your sleeve' (a good thing) and your sister as 'aloof' (a bad thing). Seems like you're the one judging her from the off, that you are forever in the right and 'just who you are' and she is the 'mean, calculated one'.

I really hope this thread will help you, and you will take a lot of the comments on board, because you sound similar to one of my oldest childhood friends - she took EVERYTHING personally and we nearly lost our friendship forever.

Even when things she did (quite reasonably) drove me mad, I would constantly bite my tongue, because if I was ever honest she would fly off the handle and accuse me of attacking her - so I'd get more irritable, and then she'd push, and then we'd end up fighting. Just like you have with your sister.

Eventually, I had to be blunt. I asked her why she was ALWAYS in the right and I wasn't allowed to air any grievance in a very calm, adult manner. She flew off the handle, had histrionics said it was just who she is and I thought that was it for us... ......but then a couple of weeks later she came and apologised and we made up, and now she tries to understand if something bothers me. Now we're closer than ever. Have a long hard think about how you want your future relationship with your sister to be.

When you say your sister is 'more aloof' do you mean she is better at keeping her emotions in check?
I just wonder. You seem quite self-pitying. I don't think telling you that your snoring kept your sister awake was 'mean'. It was true. You asked and she told you. Why did you get angry? She knows you didn't do it on purpose but it's still fucking annoying. All this crying and arguing on your part, even more so.

Fwiw I used to snore, it drove my dh and anyone else who slept in the same room as me...the kids, friends, absolutely batty.
I lost a lot of weight and it stopped.

Apologise to your sister, stop being so egotistical and good luck.

I shared a room with my friend and my sister on 2 separate occasions and both are horrendous snorers. I won't do it again in the future as sleep deprivation is awful. I am not surprised she was in a bad mood and you did push her to find out what was wrong. It is nothing to be ashamed of and maybe she could have been a bit more tactful but given she had no sleep she was bound to be tetchy. My sister now has a new partner and he refuses to sleep with her every night and she wears those strips across her nose. I am not sure they work. Maybe earplugs for whoever shares with you in the future? You should warn people too.

Did you never used to snore, or did you not know?
I think you've both been ott in how this was handled.
If she had made a joke of it on the first morning and suggested getting ear plugs, or even said that she felt she would sleep better separately as she's a light sleeper, then that would have been kinder.
On the other hand, I think you overreacted too.

Telling someone they snore and are keeping them awake is not saying that you are a terrible person.

Maybe you both need to grow up a little

I think the bigger problem is how little
it takes you to be upset!

Look, you snore. It’s a fact. Like it, don’t like it - irrelevant. Your roommate is suffering because of something to do with you. You don’t have to accept blame, but you do have to accept responsibility. It’s all on you, literally nothing she’s done to deserve it. She deserves an apology.

As for shaming - come on. You asked, she said no, you asked again, she told you and now you’re crying that you’re a victim and she’s doing something terrible to you. That’s so fucked up. Surely you see that?

Apologise to your sister, then think about why you’re so quick to take offense where none was meant or intended or even given; and why you allow yourself to get “upset” (which sounds like you feel wounded by whatever your sister said or what posters on here are saying) Why is your skin so thin that you can’t take warranted criticism? What are the consequences of this for your relationships? Do you even know what they are?

YABVU. I thought your story was going to finish with something like “and then she did an impression of me at breakfast and embarrassed me in front of the whole restaurant”.

She didn’t shame you- you pushed her to answer when she told you that you’d not like her response.

We have had a very similar situation in my family- 1 of my relatives snores so badly that none of us will share with her when we go away. It’s fine, we book separate rooms and have a nice time.

You might not be able to help it, but lack of sleep is awful ESPECIALLY when you’re expecting a relaxing hotel stay. It’s irrelevant that your partner used to sleep through it- maybe he sleeps more deeply, or your snoring has got worse.

I'm not a professional but, yes, maybe CBT or DBT would help you handle and reframe these big emotions so you can get a healthier overview of situations like this. Your reaction to such an insignificant comment seems quite extreme.

To add - if you've always been emotional, and your sister is 'aloof' (and you emerged from this situation somehow thinking you were owed an apology) -

is it also possible your sister has been squashing and minimising her own emotions to avoid your outbursts? Something to think about. Just because she's less 'open' does not mean she has fewer feelings than you.

I've always been emotional, I don't know how to turn it off. Is it really so bad I need help?
Feel even more upset now and I know people will say that's silly but I can't help it

OP, all your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them. That is never silly and you dont have to feel bad about that. But you are not entitled to be so over sensitive that people around you may never allowed to say anything you may construe as critical. Or to get to the point where you are shouting, demanding apologies or crying. You continually seem to say you cant help things - but we can always change what we do. It may be hard, but it is always possible. Imagine your feelings as a wave that grows and gets bigger then passes. And then act once it has passed. Or take 2 deep breathes before you answer someone. Ask yourself if there is another way of looking at the situation before you respond, or if your reactions may be more to do with how you feel deep down rather than what the other person is saying. If you look for DBT skills online, there are a lot of techniques that can help you manage your reactions so they dont cause you further problems. Good luck.

It is difficult to hear.

One good point is that you seem open to people's comments and willing to consider that other people (like your sister) aren't responsible for your emotional regulation or response.

Whether it's CBT or some other form of therapy, there will be something that suits you that can help you to accept answers to questions without interpreting it as personal criticism.

Good luck with your first steps.

Get tested for sleep apnea, apologize to your sister, and don't ask questions unless you're prepared for the answers.

And yes, counseling for your issues would be a good idea. Raising your voice at your sister was uncalled for.

Help for what?
The snoring? Yes. See your gp and try and do something to improve it.
Your reaction? Again, I would suggest yes. You have massively overreacted here and annoyed your sister.
This has all been about you and your perception of yourself. She did not attack you. She stated some facts that you had insisted she tell you. I live with a snorer. It’s not his fault and he’s done everything he can to improve it. I don’t blame him BUT spending the whole night trapped in a hotel room with it is still one of the most torturous things I’ve ever been through. Until you’ve spent the whole night, sleepless because of someone else’s noise it’s difficult to understand how soul destroying it is.

In the nicest possible way, she’s not shaming you. She was honest, isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t help it, but you should also get a sleep apnoea study if it’s that loud. Your ex could have been 2 years ago and things change. Apologise to her, say you weren’t aware and you understand why she’s booked a second room and you hope she sleeps.
she’s not shaming you FGS

@Aarrrgghh you should have simply apologised to her for keeping her awake two nights. No need to cry or shout.

I am a sensitive person too but that extends to being sensitive to others feelings as well as my own. You should really care how your own health issues impact others. Making it about your weight insecurity isn't fair on your sister or anyone who might be annoyed at your snoring keeping them awake two nights in a row.

In the kindest way possible; I would ask your GP for support on the snoring and weight problem since these are root causes to these instances in your life where you respond irrationally.

Blimey, you snored loudly and kept her awake and she's in the wrong? Because you "couldn't help it"?

Sorry OP you need to apologise to your sister and own this.

You over reacted massively!

Resilience. Emotional resilience. Try googling those two terms to see how you can help yourself to be less reactive. xx

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I'd probably be upset and feel guilty, but I wouldn't blame the other person for telling me and I wouldn't feel attacked. I would apologise to them for keeping them awake and then I'd try to find ways to mitigate the snoring.

It's awful sharing with someone who snores. You know they will start at some point but you don't know when. So you're lying there just waiting for it. And you think it's all clear and maybe tonight will be okay and then off they go again, like a buzz saw, in your head. I think your sister was actually amazingly tolerant to put up with two nights and then only tell you when you begged her to.

It's OK for people to tell you stuff that might upset you. They can't go through life not telling you stuff in case you go off on one. It doesn't mean it's some sort of nasty attack. It just means there's something they need to say. And it's OK to be a bit upset and then try to fix it.

Reading the OP I was sure it was going to be a reverse.

OP, your poor sister's exhausted on her holiday yet you've managed to turn the whole thing around and make it all about you and how hard done by you are? I'm sorry but people like you are really, really hard to deal with.

OP I snore like a sailor. I know this because DH and DS record the noise on my phone for shits and giggles. I cannot imagine giving one single fuck about someone pointing this out to me.

Your reaction and use of words like “shaming” is rather bizarre in the context. I have not read TWT but it seems like a massive overreaction.

What else are sisters for? If your sister can't let you know that you snore then who can? Don't you think that it's good you know now?

She put up with it for two nights, which is one night more than I managed sharing with a snoring friend on holiday!

DH snores loudly, it doesn’t bother me, I tune it out.

I’ve put on a bit of weight and am snoring more myself now. I’m quite happy to be giving DH a run for his money.