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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 21:11

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 21:05

Did you use the word 'shaming' in your title because you are overweight @Aarrrgghh ?

Yes I am and it's something I'm sensitive about if I'm honest. I want to shift it but I struggle.

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 21:12

Snoring is something you cannot control.

That very much depends on the reason for it, as a fat person who likes a drink, I know that if I lie on my back I will snore, so I make sure I don't sleep in that position if sharing a room with anyone.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 21:12

Have you apologised to you sister @Aarrrgghh ?

twostraws · 23/10/2023 21:13

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Well, no, it's not nice when someone tells you that you snore. But it's also not their fault you snore.

If you regularly wake up tired, I'd speak to a doctor in case it is sleep apnoea. If you feel fine but you carry extra weight around your neck, I'd try to lose the weight as that can often make a huge difference.

She's your sister. She's tired, but she does love you, and it wasn't meant to hurt you. It was a factual piece of information.

You can't stop snoring overnight, but better to know now than in a year's time!

HappyintheHills · 23/10/2023 21:14

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 21:11

Yes I am and it's something I'm sensitive about if I'm honest. I want to shift it but I struggle.

Show quote history

And your sister tried not to tell you what the problem was because she knew that
Then you chose to press the issue
So she told you, and quite predictably you became upset
Then you chose to shout at her

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 23/10/2023 21:16

YABVU OP.

Apologise to your sister for how you reacted not for snoring itself.

And you need to at least try not to be so emotional and sensitive as it isn't fair for others to have to thread on eggshells around you out of fear of you getting emotional with them.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/10/2023 21:16

Grow up op.

Apologise to your sister and get some medical help for your snoring.

And stop being so bloody precious.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 23/10/2023 21:17

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

You did that, OP, and you owe her an apology. Not for snoring, but for being completely ridiculous when she told you why she was tired at your insistence.

It is irrelevant that your partner didn't mind your snoring; people who aren't used to it will often mind and it will make it difficult for them to sleep.

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 21:17

Lying awake in the middle of the night whilst your companion is snoring their head off really is a particular type of torture.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/10/2023 21:18

I assumed this must be a reverse I can’t believe you think this is an acceptable way to behave.

I feel so sorry for your sister.

Dibbydoos · 23/10/2023 21:18

Have your snoring checked out, @1983Louise you never know you might be able to get help.

Snoring is awful though. I take my mum away ocassionally and had 3 nights with little sleep. It was awful. Now I take ear plugs.

The thing is I snore too but none if us know until we're told... It is personal but it's not an attack, so pls don't be mad at your sister.

HappyintheHills · 23/10/2023 21:19

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 23/10/2023 21:17

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

You did that, OP, and you owe her an apology. Not for snoring, but for being completely ridiculous when she told you why she was tired at your insistence.

It is irrelevant that your partner didn't mind your snoring; people who aren't used to it will often mind and it will make it difficult for them to sleep.

I’d bet her XDP didn’t dare comment

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 21:21

Yes I am and it's something I'm sensitive about if I'm honest. I want to shift it but I struggle.

It does make it more likely that you will snore and it does put you at greater risk of sleep apnea which has a huge detrimental impact on your overall health, especially heart health, so I can understand why your Sister ( bet she is slim ?) suggested seeing a Doctor, because despite being sleep deprived she also cares about you.

I would apologise to your Sister, let her know that you are sensitive about your weight and that is why you reacted the way you did and that you are sorry that you kept her awake and that you will see a Doctor when you get home.
You probably haven't been getting great quality sleep yourself, which in itself can leave you less motivated/struggle to make lifestyle changes, do you feel tired a lot even after a nights sleep ?

Toptotoe · 23/10/2023 21:23

You are being unreasonable. You asked her what was wrong. Would you prefer she lied to you? Why would you shout at her for answering you honestly? She seems to have struck a nerve.

ACGTHelix · 23/10/2023 21:23

i snore, i get told i snore and i know i snore, however my sleep/nap was good, that said i cannot help it to, although at least i know i do snore.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 23/10/2023 21:24

Why did you force her to answer? You bullied it out of her. If you think that word is OTT, then so is you saying she "shamed" you. She didnt at all

Original poster
Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 21:25

Ok I hear what people are saying but I'm just a bit taken aback.

I've always been emotional, I don't know how to turn it off. Is it really so bad I need help?

Feel even more upset now and I know people will say that's silly but I can't help it

OP posts:
Spareus · 23/10/2023 21:25

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

Your sis isn’t attacking you, you pushed for an answer and got one you didn’t like?

Iforgotmyusernameagainandagain · 23/10/2023 21:25

I'm also a snorer - god knows how my DP has put up with it! However in the end I spoke to my gp about it and was referred to a sleep clinic. Took a device home for 48 hours then was told i have sleep apnoea. I had to wait ages after my diagnosis but last week I finally got a cpap unit.

I've only had it a few days but honestly it's been life changing! Not only do I now sleep all night but I'm waking up refreshed (I was up to use the toilet several times a night before I got this). I'm waking refreshed, and my brain fog has disappeared. I only got the machine on Thursday last week!

My kids have now told me they were worried I had early onset dementia because I couldn't get out a full sentence without pausing and having to think of the next words before I spoke them. I'm sure this crept on with me over the years, please go to your doctor and tell them what your sister said. The nurse told me I was stopping breathing on average 32 times an hour. At any point I could have not started again.

Snoring needs to be investigated, and really your sister has done you a favour by telling you about it.

Ivymom · 23/10/2023 21:26

OP, I think you need to see your doctor and get a referral for a sleep study. Snoring can be indicative of some serious health issues.

Your sister may not have been as tactful because she was sleep deprived. You do seem a bit over sensitive. I think it was a good thing that your sister got her own room. Her needing a quiet space to sleep isn’t an insult to you. Her saying your snoring kept her awake, so now she’s grumpy isn’t an insult to you.

If you want to fix things with your sister, tell her you are sorry for keeping her up. Explain that you were unaware you snored and are seeking medical attention. In the future, don’t share a room with her.

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 21:29

Okay, @Aarrrgghh , if I were in your shoes, this is what I'd do:

Apologise to sister and take her out for a drink or dinner.

Make an appointment to see you GP about your snoring. Ask about a referral for counselling at the same time, so you can get some help with regulating your emotions.

I know counselling on the NHS can be a bit of a wait, so if you have the funds, consider paying out of pocket for a few sessions.

PortalooSunset · 23/10/2023 21:31

She was trying to be kind to you by not telling you, but you pushed it until she did. That's not her fault.

Sharing with a snorer is really fucking exhausting!

I don't think she owes you an apology. You wouldn't be this upset if you'd left it alone when she told you to. Now she's brought it to your attention though @Aarrrgghh are you going to do anything about it?

therealcookiemonster · 23/10/2023 21:32

@Aarrrgghh I think you might benefit from therapy? maybe CBT... objectively, your response is unwarranted, unreasonable and disproportionate but there may be an underlying reason for that for example:

  • if you have sleep apnoea that could affect your mood
  • you have mental health issues
  • you have past trauma that means you are triggered more easily by any comments regarding yourself

I think the first step is to apologise to your sister and then seek therapy.

theduchessofspork · 23/10/2023 21:33

OP, I would suggest you go get some counselling because it’s going to be a nightmare going through life being this sensitive, and you are going to piss people off.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 21:36

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 21:25

Ok I hear what people are saying but I'm just a bit taken aback.

I've always been emotional, I don't know how to turn it off. Is it really so bad I need help?

Feel even more upset now and I know people will say that's silly but I can't help it

Honestly, yes, you do need to try to dial it back a bit. Imagine if everyone reacted like this every time they faced some minor embarrassment. It's not fair to anyone for your feelings to take such prominence over everyone else's.

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