What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

As per my post above, I'm a man :-)

My Mum nearly ran herself ragged looking after my Dad and her two children as a SAHM, the thing is, I think BECAUSE I saw her taking care of us all so well, always on her feet, this provided me with the example of what I should be like and I'm exactly the same as she was! I'm terrible for sitting and when I'm at home, I'm always on the go and notice the things that need doing... Sticking a wash load on, vacuuming, making lunches and dinners, cleaning toilets, wiping mirrors, etc. anyway, you get the idea! :-) women CAN be domestic role models to men, I'm proof. I think the other side of it was that I did not want to be waited on hand and foot like my Dad!!

My friend has said to me before that her benefits are having a house paid for, bills paid for, food, and the essentials ... VIEWS????

Her husband only lets her have access to 1 joint account - and he has his own account.

My friend has said to me before that her benefits are having a house paid for, bills paid for, food, and the essentials ... VIEWS????

I mean, obviously if she doesn't also love her husband and like his company, for me no amount of money and possessions would be worth it.

But I know that some women feel differently.

what do you mean by if she doesn't love her husband? sorry confused but yes her husband has said to her that her benefits staying at home being a mum is that all her bills are paid, food is provided, and she has a roof over her head, and has all the essentials - he has his own money/account, and there is only 1 joint account that she can see, he often says to her she is not having access to all his money @Whalewatchers @PeacefulPottering what are your views on that?

What happens for his birthday? The woman buys him something with his own money?

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon @BitofaStramash @Pashazade @iutiut @namefornow88 @KnittedCardi wondering what ur views are on
her husband has saying to her that her benefits staying at home being a mum is that all her bills are paid, food is provided, and she has a roof over her head, and has all the essentials?? he has his own money/account, and there is only 1 joint account that she can see, he often says to her that she is not having access to all his money - and blames it that she is not good with finances - what are your views on that?

Just interested hoe much do you need to earn compared to your husband.
Do you only live in a house that you can solely afford?
Are you dependant on him to contribute to the current house you have?
Is there a set figure because I'm just wondering where people draw the line.

@amanda2k4 I would say that's not a healthy relationship to be a sahm in. One of the downsides of being a sahm is there is potential for financial abuse from the working partner. For it to work you must be a completely united and equal team. I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who had that attitude to money whether I was a sahm or not. Before we had kids when we both worked full time dh and I still viewed all our money as shared and I wouldn't have stood for him being secretive or controlling about money

I'd be very miserable being a SAHM or even working pt in a job rather than having a career, but that's just me. No judgement about anyone else- they can do what they want.

@amanda2k4 Your friend's situation is financial abuse. Most SAHMs have a bit of money to get themselves stuff with.

I wasn't sure what you meant at first but yes, that's not ok. I mean, not every woman can be a WAG and spend loads every week, but she should be able to access a bit to get herself some extras sometimes, unless he only earns enough to cover their basics.

I was a SAHM for a few years when dc were young. My choice. Dh earned good money which went into a joint account which l had total access to. I never thought of it as his money but ours. He genuinely never questioned my spending. I was careful but only the same as l am now with my own money. I went back to work and dh paid for me to buy back the years of pension l missed. I made most decisions around home/ holidays/ kids activities as dh had a very demanding job so didn't query my decisions. I was never sorry l did it as had a great time meeting other mums and spending lots of time with my dc. I enjoyed being at home but not for ever. When dc were all settled in school l took up a new position but felt l had the best of both worlds.

I agree - but to be fair he did let her keep all her money when she worked full time and she didn't contribute any bills. but he constantly complained

Is there a set figure because I'm just wondering where people draw the line.

If you cannot provide a decent roof over your head and meet all of your own and your children's financial needs and give them what you deem to be an acceptable standard of living without relying on the other parent financially - if you needed to - then you are not financially secure. Except in situations where they are extremely rich so your share of assets in divorce will cover your living costs in perpetuity (and you also have sufficient means to provide for yourself during the divorce process).

I agree - but to be fair he did let her keep all her money when she worked full time and she didn't contribute any bills. but he constantly complained

But now he has her pretty much captive really. Men change. This one sounds like he's got a lot worse. Moaning about something he presumably chose to do is unattractive anyway.

I agree - but to be fair he did let her keep all her money when she worked full time and she didn't contribute any bills. but he constantly complained

My FIL ‘let’ my MIL to keep her earnings when she got a job when their children were older, after her being a SAHM for years. It wasn’t really that he was being kind to let her keep it, it was more so that she wouldn’t get any ideas about having a say in any decisions and keeping her at a lower place on the hierarchy in his head. He also constantly referred to her job as her ‘little job’. She was working 37 hours a week, and as he’d never been a big earner, she wasn’t actually earning much less than him.

I loved being a SAHM.
I remember writing on here in 2006 about not wanting to return to work after my maternity leave was finished. I was sold a story that I’d never be able to renter the workforce again. I had 10 years home with our children.

I never had a problem returning to work,I actually applied for many roles and had interviews and offers from most. A beautiful small law firm was happy to take me on part time and they were tremendous allowing me flexibility with juggling work and children while allowing me to study simultaneously. I’ve since switched careers flawlessly too.

Being a SAHM is not doom and gloom and it’s never certain a woman choosing to stay home is jeopardising her career. Many women I know take on the traditional role and they are happy, their children are happy and so are their husbands. My husband was a gem and never once made me feel like a financial burden, he was just truly grateful we worked well as a team. He’s currently out of work after selling his business and deciding to retrain as a teacher. I love supporting him! Teamwork!

I made this massive mistake and would advise all women to never ever do it.

Once you become married, even before, you're a team and it's not his and hers it's ours. I don't have MY money.

For me, yes, we could afford to live in our house on my salary alone. Equally, I could afford to buy DH out if necessary or, if something happened to me, DH would inherit enough from me to continue living in our house.

OP your friends situation sounds very transactional, it would make me feel very much like I was considered a possession and that's all kinds of wrong. He believes he has control over her and certainly doesn't see her as his equal. Just no, utter lack of respect and recognition of her as an individual and not just a housemaid/baby maker.

OP, some of your comments seem a little odd to me - I think because you see how your friends marriage works wrt finances, and wondered whether this was normal. As others have said, your friend's husband sounds like he may be financially controlling. Several of us here have said that we are SAHMs, yet we are the ones who control the finances. Big decisions are joint. The thought that DH might have the final say on where we go on holiday because he paid for it seems just bizarre to me. It's a holiday for everyone, so we all decide. As for your question about whether it's enough that she has bills paid and a roof over her head, well, no. Because it is a joint effort to being up family. He couldn't do it without her input - or without paying someone else to do the things that she does for the family, not just including childcare. So it is right that she has some recompense for that. My DH understands that he has a much easier time because I take on all the house admin, finances (lots of shopping around when on a budget) and childcare, including a DC that has only been able to attend school very part time for years. He knows that it would be much harder if I wasn't around, and who would have looked after DC3? But our finances were all joint before I stopped work (a few years after having DC3), so we have just carried on in the same way. When I put money into our savings or pensions (and it's always me that does this), I try and keep it roughly equally split between us. We are a team, with the same goal, so we pay into my savings and pension as well as his.

I do have to caveat this though. You mention it being 'the dream' to be a SAHM who controls the finances. But even in my situation where I see and manage everything and we are very much a team, I am still vulnerable. If DH decided to up and leave, even though I will have a fair share of all our assets, he has been able to build up his career whereas I am in my 50s and have been out of the workforce for over 10 years. I used to have a good job but couldn't go back to it so although I may come out with some savings, I have no idea how I would make a living. The same would apply if I was the one wanting to leave. Not having a job makes that much harder. So despite my being a SAHM working well for me and our family as it is, I wouldn't actually recommend it to anyone who has a choice.

I've been a sahm for five years and it's been a positive experience for me. DH is a high earner, I have some unearned income and substantial assets. I pay the max into my pension and ISAs, and I have general investment accounts too. We view all money as joint, although in practice it's spread amongst a lot of bank accounts. We don't question each other on spending or consult with each other on financial decisions. I buy what I like, and so does he, but we're both pretty sensible and don't get into debt.

I enjoy my time with my dcs and I don't plan to return to work, and financially I don't need to. I spend a lot of time out of the house with my dcs doing activities, so I don't spend my days doing housework. When the youngest dc starts preschool, I will spend a lot of time out of the house doing things that are interesting for me (lots of options as we're in London). DH pulls his weight with chores and childcare when he's not working, but we outsource what we can. He does morning breakfasts and school run because it fits in with his walk to work, and I do pickups. I order an online food shop and DH puts it away. I do most cooking, he cleans up. He never works away and is out of the house 8.20-5.30, Mon-Fri. So not excessively long hours that wouldn't fit with paid childcare.

Neither of us get much child-free time at the moment as our dc are young and it's easier to have 2 parents looking after 2 dc (we take one each for bath and bed, and go on days out as a family at weekends). But also because we'd rather be with them than go out anywhere, and enjoy spending evenings and weekends as a family. I don't get lonely as a sahm - I tend to interact and play with my dc a lot so don't have time for sitting and chatting.

Your situation sounds very similar to my experience. Enjoy :-) I look back on those days with very fond memories.