What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

It doesn't make sense to me at all, not for years anyway. It doesn't take years to recover from birth (in the vast majority of cases), most children also aren't breastfed for years.

I didn't breastfeed and went back to work when DS was 3 months. It wasn't necessary at all for me to do the bulk of childcare for the early years and give up my career. Other than pregnancy and giving birth of course, DH can do exactly what I do.

You know men have really done a number on womankind...leaving them high and dry so that so many of you are forced to work in case he fucks you over financially. Bet most of you do all the housework too. Therefore men are rewarded with 1950s style housewives who work too and this is apparently progress....

Give over. You really can't see past your narrow worldview, can you? Furthermore, you want to twist other women's lives to fit your narrative.

I work because I want to, I earn a bloody good wage and there is no way in hell I'd do a man's domestic labour.

Sorry if that makes you feel bad.

I am trying to enter the set up with my own husband and he is refusing to have these conversations with me and accuses me of being negative and ungrateful and making up scenarios in my head when i ask what would happen if we divorce. He makes me think I am being insane - we are trying for children. I have always worked - he thinks like my friends husband that there will be a joint account for joint money and he will have his own money, and has even labelled me "trying to get hold of all his money" if i ask why he would have seperate money?

This. @Comedycook is trying to make her own strong preference for being a SAHM and financially dependent into a feminist issue, and arguing that women less enlightened then her are being 'forced to work' by pressure from men.

what sort of prenup would you recommend for me if i was to quit my job to raise a family and only have access to a credit card similar to my friends set up, is what my husband wants.

@Pashazade @SantaBarbaraMonica @Appleblum would your husband ever have his own money though? My husband is stating that he would keep his own money, and then transfer money into the joint account for bills, and then just pay off my credit card every month. Does that leave me venerable? @SeptemberSuns

Im all for women working if that's what they want. What I find awful is the fact that many working women still do all the housework and childcare stuff too. If a man wants a woman who behaves like a 1950s housewife he should be prepared to take on all financial responsibility. The thing is feminism focused so much on women working it forgot that men have a responsibility too.

Well we both have our own bank accounts, but everything goes in the pot. He doesn't have his "own" money but then neither do I. If he wants to buy an expensive toy we discuss whether the family finances can take it and then react accordingly. What exactly does he think you're going to do with his money, just run off with it? I dislike the idea of having an allowance, why is he so bothered. Does he think you somehow want to screw him over, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with this going forward. Is he going to scrutinise everything that you spend, demand that any baby expenses come out of your "allowance". Does he have a family history of someone being unreliable or lying about money? Is he tight anyway......if he is I really would not consider this as a viable set up going forward as if he decides to stop paying your credit card off you're in trouble. Would the joint account be used for all food bills too, will you have full access? It just feels too controlling.

Too many adult women these days have grown up with a deadbeat dad to trust the traditional model. Where he left you penniless.

Got to say I agree with this. If you stay at home and don't work sure do the household chores, but if you are a working woman there is no chance I am doing all the chores/housework/cooking if I am working aswell. I must say though - my partner often throws in my face that i work from home - and he works out there house - does that change things in ur eyes?

Just caught your other thread OP. Leave him, there is no way I'd be having a baby with this man. He is not concerned about you only about himself and if he already bitches about housework you're on a loser there. Does he actually respect you? From the brief sketch you've given I'd say not. So that's a massive red flag for me.

Thanks for replying @Pashazade . So he accuses me and I think is paranoid that I will "blow his hard earned cash" and he is "not funding my terrible spending habits". I pay all my own bills right now, mortgage etc, and yes I do blow all my disposable money on things for the house etc. Maybe just maybe he is worried about that, or maybe he is using that as a reason to keep his money separate. Surely you would give someone the chance to have access and to see how they manage it, rather than just cutting them off completely. I am not stupid if I wasn't working I wouldn't freely spend someone elses money like crazy. He always says things like women are bad with money, and no woman has ever shown him that they are good with money. I have a feeling he doesn't want me to know exactly what he is earning - but I have no idea why. What is he planning to do with this spare "cash". He isn't a big spender himself. I do feel it is a little controlling, if you are married surely finances are shared, especially if you are raising his kids. He isn't willing to discuss that set up i suggested about purchases over £100 would be discussed etc to build trust. He won't tell me what the "allowance" is, just said he will watch what I spend to make sure I am not going crazy and pay it off for me every month. Good point about the kids purchases - does that come out of my money? With his attitude, i think he would begrudge me spending any money on myself. I would have full access to the joint account but essentially he could put in just enough to cover all bills couldn't he? I am not sure what to go back to him and suggest? any ideas?

No way would I have a baby with him op. You'll have a miserable maternity leave and he will in all probability expect all childcare costs to come out of your wages if you did work...

The USA has terrible to non existent maternity leave, very little protection for parents and few accommodations.
I know a lot of working mothers but I wouldn't blame some families for thinking it simply wasn't worth trying to have both parents work.

I am a SAHM, although my set up is not like the one described in the OP. You would probably all think I'm crazy but I gave up a high paid job (£140k a year) which I genuinely enjoyed to do this. I told my DH that I was stopping work to care for DC not to be a cleaner, so we have a cleaner and tbh I don't do much tidying or cleaning when she's not here, beyond things like loading the dishwasher and laundry which my toddler helps with so I view this like a fun toddler activity as much as a chore. We are happy in a moderately untidy house. I do all the cooking even at weekends, which I am happy to do.

DH's only responsibilities are work, playing / bonding with the toddler when he's not working (he does nappies too), and managing his chronic health condition which I'm counting as a responsibility because it takes a lot of his time and energy. He plays sport twice a week and has never done a night wake up or made DC a meal in his life, so life is pretty good for DH too.

I agree with some of the criticisms that people have - it is a career risk, and it would be difficult for me to go back in at the same level that I was before having DC. My previous employer has said they'd have me back in a heartbeat but I'm not naive enough to think that offer will be there indefinitely. The risk is mitigated by the amount of savings I acquired pre-DC so if I was suddenly a single parent I would be able to retrain (if I wanted to) and take my time finding a job. Worst case scenario I could be a teacher I suppose.

I disagree with people who think that it's a point of pride to be in paid employment but not to be a SAHM. In paid employment I was working for men who I didn't even particularly like most of the time. Now, everything I do is for myself / my DC / my DH. For me, that is a wonderful feeling. I didn't want someone else in my house, looking after my child, while I was elsewhere working for another person's agenda. I liked my job, but I love my DC and there's no-one in the whole world better suited to looking after my DC than me, so this is the job I'm choosing for now. I fully accept that many women prefer to be at work with adult company and the self esteem boosts from a corporate life, and I certainly don't think they are all secretly pining to be SAHMs like me. I have other reasons for being a SAHM too, as my DC has multiple food allergies and the thought of her at nursery surrounded by messy kids eating foods than could kill her makes my blood run cold.

@amanda2k4 incredibly vulnerable - why do you want to be a SAHM? Why don't you want to work?

@LittleDitto this is really sad to read. Could you consider some volunteer work just to test the waters in the workplace?

Self esteem is rarely linked to how valuable a person is imo, it's usually just a reflection of how they've been treated over the years.

He doesn't like women much does he, certainly no respect. I'd be asking him straight up if he respects you and if he claims he does than ask him why he feels the need to treat you like a teenager with an allowance. Nasty feeling he'd move the goalposts and a haircut would be seen as unnecessary. As long as you aren't putting yourself in debt every month I don't see what his problem is. You're obviously reasonably responsible if you're coping with a mortgage etc etc.

I grew up with the traditional model including a father who didn't leave and I still don't trust it. It's one of the reasons why I'd never be a SAHM.

So he doesn't trust women with money? What an insult. (I imagine women generally are actually more sensible around money - it's a classic trope that a middle aged man buys a sports car, for example.)

I wouldn't ever have chosen to be a SAHM anyway. I enjoy working and being independent. I did want to be able to spend time with my kids though so did that through part time working.

So not have dc with a man with attitudes like this!

If you do continue to work FT!

If you’re in the US information on divorce law and financial settlements in your state will be easily available online, and would assume that a man with your H’s attitudes would do his best to minimise his ex wife’s share of assets and his income in the event of divorce.

I think there's something in what you have said....my friends who are less financially secure are in marriages, the ones who were wealthy and SAHM were more likely to end a marriage. Thank you for the reality check ✔️

the traditional provider / dependent model of marriage sets up women to be abused.

that does not mean it can not work well for one spouse to stay home and focus on caring for the family while the other focuses on earning money. There are three critical elements required to make it work. 1) both parties need to view it as a partnership where all money being earned is being earned by both people 2) both parties need to acknowledge that taking care of the household and children is far more work than a full-time job and therefore can not be the sole responsibility of the sahp. 3) the sahp needs to be in a position to return to work with low barriers to re-entry should the need arise.

the reality is that money = power. Becoming completely financially dependent is a huge risk. Short stints with the right attitudes can be beneficial to the everyone, but it needs to be managed carefully

I think that's perfectly reasonable, @Ponderingwindow -- I think what irritates me on here is that there seems a weirdly un-self-interrogating 'Oh, he earns more so OBVIOUSLY I was the one to give up work when we had children' or 'My salary would barely cover childcare so OBVIOUSLY I gave up work' (as though childcare was not a joint expense) without actually considering the longterm consequences seriously, or the fundamental problem that tying your income to someone else, and that someone else continuing to want to be married to you (and you to them) is just a bad, unbalanced idea. I'm assuming these women see it around them, and just think it's 'natural', whereas being a SAHM is a very new cultural concept, tied very specifically to a particular place and time, not some kind of eternal norm.

I do agree it can work well, with your stipulations, for short periods, but I very seldom see anyone of either sex that it really suits longterm (leaving aside it being an enforced situations of ongoing care needed for a child with additional needs or illness), or who isn't doing it as a way of escape from a working world, or just a world, they couldn't hack.