What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

Genuine question - do you worry about your relationship when your youngest goes back to school? It sounds like you have a fairly cushy set up - not doing housework, not contributing financially and (once your youngest is at preschool) doing very minimal childcare if your DH is doing morning breakfast and pickups AND is home by 530 and pulling his weight - you’ll be doing max 2 hours a day.

it seems so lopsided in terms of your contributions that it seems a recipe for massive resentment on your dh’s part to me…

Sorry I meant to quote @dandelionplug with the above

Preschool will only be half days for a year so not just a couple of hours childcare. Though eventually when DC2 is in school it will be shorter (and they'll sometimes go to extracurricular clubs on site until 4.20, so I'll have them for about an hour before DH gets home. But there are long school holidays as it's private. But anyway, I had a similar time for a year and a bit when DC1 was in nursery part time before DC2 was born (so I had a lot of child-free time) and DH was not resentful at all. He's happy with his job and money isn't tight so he has no need to be. Financially we're in a position where he could stop work if he wanted to (due to assets, most of which was built up from my investment decisions) but he chooses not to because he enjoys it.

Ah ok. So if you can both effectively retire in your 30s (early 40s?), bearing both the costs of raising a family plus your own living costs for the next 40 years you must have extremely significant assets - to be able to live off passive income only you must have assets in the 8 figures. So not really the standard situation!

I think it is almost always a bad idea and often makes the woman incredibly vulnerable unless she has her own independent assets/income. I also think it is a bad message to teach children that men = providers and women = carers.

I love my career and earning my own money, I couldn't imagine giving that up but then we have separate finances so it would be so different to what I'm used to.

@amanda2k4 beware the trad wife narrative! It's rarely as serene as you imagine and is favoured by the hard/far right (which should alert you to its dangers).

Query: Do the trad wives serve up sex on demand too, along with the hot dinners and clean house?

Don't confuse trad wife's with SAHMs either. All trad wife's are SAHMs, but not all SAHMs are trad wives. Some of the earlier SAHMs PP'ing this thread prove this (as they are equal partners in their marriages, not subservient to the bread winning man).

You can be an SAHM without subordinating yourself to your DH.

My current husband preferred me to be SAHM. He worked fulltime, came home and cooked dinner, took the baby until at least 1am after a breastfeed and got up nearly every time I did.

Plus I had 100% access and control of finances.

So, some men may take advantage, some may expect their balls polished upon arrival home.

Mine didn't and even now, 8 years on, wd are setting up our own trade business, him doing the majority of the physical work, he's had me turn down a 3 day per week cushy job.

The business is solely in my name.

We're a team regardless of if I don't work. I may stay home, but he does more than his fair share. Our boy is his heart and I'm his soul mate. Nothing he won't do.

I haven't read all the replies but this is how I see it:

Being a SAHM was more common many years ago. Women weren't encouraged to further their educations or have aspirations of their own beyond being a wife and mother, so this was just seen as 'the norm'. Also, housing and living in general was cheaper and doable on one wage. There also wasn't the child care available that there is now.
Many women also put up with misogynistic and even abusive behaviour from husbands but had the 'put up and shut up' attitude of wider society.

As time has gone on, women have been encouraged to pursue education/training, and have aspirations beyond wife and motherhood. The cost of living has increased, meaning that unless one person has a very good salary, living on one wage isn't really an option.

Women have also learned that while some families have a SAHP and that works well for them, it doesn't always work out like that as they can be left high and dry if that marriage/relationship doesn't work out - with no job or decent chances of employment and no money of their own. This 'shared pot' sadly often becomes the man's money when things go t*its up.

From a personal POV, when I discovered my husband had had an affair, I was very glad I had continued to work as I was able to stand on my own two feet and buy him out of the family home.

I wasn't completely happy with the division of labour - both mentally and physically and I would say most women, if honest, aren't, which makes being a SAHP more appealing. You are expected to do the bulk of the housework/child rearing anyway so why try and work too?

It's a complicated thing I think but on balance, I would rather work and have my own autonomy.

It's a complicated thing I think but on balance, I would rather work and have my own autonomy.

You have also touched on another point which is that it needs to be more common and accepted for men to do domestic labour and child care - as SAHP or in relationships where both work and the household labour is shared.

I think what a lot of people forget is that many sahms will have made a significant financial contribution prior to having children and given up work. My dh currently supports us but when we first got together I worked and owned my own property and therefore contributed a large amount to the house we bought together.

So why not continue that role, where both parents contribute financially and both contribute to childcare etc?

You always sound awfully wedded to your SAHM role, though from what I remember of your posts from a while back, your children are older, and don't need a parent at home, and you were getting awfully cross with your husband for WFH during Covid because he was in your SAHP space.

I'm used to it now and actually enjoy him wfh, it was a huge adjustment though....but anyway, I like cooking and looking after the house. He wouldn't enjoy that. I also do not have high earning power like him so me and him both working but less hours would probably lead to us being worse off. My dc are older but one of my dc has sn so I still am tied to the school run. I will work again at some point when my dc is a bit more independent as I don't want him to carry all the financial burden...but he is lovely and never says anything to me.

Not true. If you're married on a divorce the wife gets half plus provision for children, if the wife earns nothing there's a period of adjustment where she will get more than half. I was earning a good salary and had a career when my husband and I divorced, he was a higher earner so we got half each of the matrimonial assets. I have friends who were SAHM had cleaners, nannies and really a lunch and gym life and ended up with massive assets on a divorce and income from.their ex husband that was more than my salary.

Yes, this is what I mean. I think if domestic chores and responsibilities were more equally split then more women might find it easier to have a career AND be a parent. Unfortunately though, apart from in rare cases, it's not. Many people will think it is but if you take a closer look at the true division of what both partners not only do but think about in relation to the home and kids, it is very often unequal, making it much more difficult for the woman to 'have it all'.

In my marriage I worked p/t after having the dc, yet seemed to be responsible for most (all) of the mental load and housework, while my ex husband only really had himself to think about. Ultimately this led to him finding it much easier to do as he pleased and go out when he wanted. He then had an affair with someone who was younger, child free, not dragged down by the drudgery of being the one responsible for everything and everyone and therefore more fun.

A close friend of mine is now a SAHP for the first time in her life, following a series of circumstances. Her husband earns enough to enable her to do this and her dc are well looked after, taken to and from school, fresh meals sand snacks cooked and baked daily, house clean, etc. BUT she is now looking for work as she hates relying on her husband for money and not having the freedom to just go out with friends without feeling she is spending 'his' money.
Like I say, it's complicated and we all have to do what we feel works best for us but I don't think women ever generally 'win' or are even equal in any scenario.

These men tend to be difficult to supervise as a senior woman. They simply do not see women as equals. They are also the most likely to complain about female staff who need to take time off to care for children.

Still doesn't have to be the Mum who is the SAHP.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Ive not worked since my eldest (now 18) as born.

I’ve always suffered from extremely low self esteem and now it’s at zero. I would never have the confidence to get a job or be any good at it. Of course I had jobs up til I got pregnant, but nothing I was very good at. I was bullied and written off as a loser by teachers so I kind of accepted I’d not amount to much. I used to be really sociable but now I just hardly socialise at all.

marriage hasn’t always been great and there have been times where husband has been borderline abusive/neglectful but I’ve stuck with it and it’s better than me being alone. No one else would have ever had me. It’s certainly not awful just now but I’m at a point where I just don’t care anyway. I’m not really looking forward to my stage in life when the kids leave home, I’m aware that I’m not of any real value to anyone so I’m not sure how I’ll fill that void having no career. I’m heading towards 50 and just on the scrap heap.

in a really stressful financial situation now. I inherited a large sum last year and 1/2 went into doing up the house (in my husband’s name btw) and the other half he “borrowed” for his business that I know I’ll never see again.

No one knows any of how I really feel because since childhood I’ve managed to successfully bury my feelings and appear to be doing well on the outside.

Basically, if you know you could get yourself out of the shit and you have an emotionally available partner then go for it. I think you have to be intelligent too because ultimately that will always be something that enables you to turn things around. It really is putting yourself in the firing line and nothing is worse than having to beg for money or pretend to the outside world that everything is fine, constantly and possibly for years on end!

ultimately it’s anyone’s individual decision to make. Some people thrive on it, some people spend their entire lives being miserable. Just make sure somewhere there is a plan B.

It's purely economics. US is a more wealthier society where wifes can stay at home.

Most SAHMs who get divorced are not living the kind of lifestyle you describe though. The majority will be living in a 3-4 bed semi with a hefty mortgage and little equity to be split between them. Or living in a rented house where there will be nothing to be shared out. And child maintenance assessed on their ex's £30K salary isn't going to amount to enough to continue living their current lifestyle..

Slightly off topic but yes wages are much higher in the US aren't they? And even ordinary people seem to have absolutely huge beautiful homes that only incredibly wealthy people in the UK would be able to have.

@IBlinkThereforeIAm
What? So because women give birth they should be the ones to give up careers and be financially dependent adults for years on end if not permanently?

No, no one has to have children. Just makes more sense for the woman to do the bulk of the early years childcare. We have to take time off when heavily pregnant, recover from birth, breastfeed etc. It's disingenuous to suggest that it's all completely equal.

Have not RTFT.
My view? It is not for me. It is not for lots of people, including men.
People should only enter into this kind of set up knowing what how the worst case scenarios leave you (the husband dies or is suddenly incapacitated, the wife dies or is suddenly incapacitated, the husband buggers off with his secretary and the wife is trying to get back in the workplace after 15 years out... Pensions? fun spending? access to funds? decision making processes?)

If it works for you: have at it.

nope.
I didn't marry a useless twunt. We never even really discussed how it would work. As it happens it's pretty much 50/50 pooled resources and he took half our parental leave way back when. (my DCs are in their 20s now)

Choose wisely and you're fine.

It's largely economics isn't it. The vast majority of us can't afford a SAHP of either sex anywhere in the world. The Americans I grew up with were far more likely to have 2 working parents than my Irish, British or other European friends.

With some serious money behind us, good divorce laws and a solid prenup, it could be a risk worth taking. But for most a SAHP and affordable suburban house on an average salary world has long gone. And then there is all the horror stories of being shafted... my mother is a worked example for me of never relying on a husband.

That's why we have maternity leave in the UK. Once you've had a year off work to recover/breastfeed/etc., it doesn't really make any more sense for it to be the woman who continues to stay home than the man. For some individuals it might, but as a general fact of life it doesn't.

Incidentally, the lack of maternity leave/support in the US might well explain why SAHMs are more common there.