What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

I could never be a SAHM and live that lifestyle. No offence to anyone that is, whatever works for you but I have always earned my own money and been very independent. My friend is a SAHM and she has to ask for a new sofa, she told me she was begging to change a few years old sofa due to pet damage, like begging until he agreed. I couldn’t live like that. Her DH has a large amount of savings that are in his name only, and she doesn’t even know the full amount of them, but upwards of 200k. Not the lifestyle for me.

@Zanatdy can you see that you can't tar every sahm with that brush and that type of husband / marriage, my experience could not be more different . He treats me like a total queen and likewise I respect him and everything he does for me and our children, we've both made sacrifices but we are a team

I’m a SAHM and DH bought me a house, pays into my pension, I have access to all of our accounts and a credit card. He pays for my hobby, my cars etc. Financial control isn’t always a part of being a SAHM.

It saddens me To say this - as actually it’s really good for the kids in many ways

but I really think it’s risky for the woman (or
man) to cut them self off from financial Independence

I think this really really depends on the marriage @Thisisworsethananticpated there's so much we hear about mainly men let's face it bring finanlly coercive, controlling , stuck in 1950s mindset but also a lot of men are hard working , doting family men that love and appreciate the difficult 'job' there wives take on being sahm some may go back to work after some choose never to

It is purely economic factors which determine whether women need to work. When you have a wealthy country where a single income can provide for the whole family it makes no sense for the second partner to work.

The highest female participation was in Soviet Union with 93% females working. Everything was catered for women to work, like 3 hour shifts which can accommodate breast feeding, free childcare from month old and so on. There were women bricklayers, bus drivers, factory workers (all male professions in the west). All of this was marketed as a female victory in a socialist society. However the reality was the country relied on women for the economy to function. Everyone looked in the west where women were free not to work.

Of course. But when relationships break down, people aren’t as kind and caring and definitely don’t treat their spouse like a Queen. See it on the relationship board everyday. I could never put myself at risk in that way, plus I love my career and like setting a good example to my kids about working hard. Just like I’m sure you do for putting kids first and sacrificing a career for a number of years. Everyone’s different and if it works for you great, sadly that’s not the case for many, so much financial abuse goes on and women treated like they should be doing everything domestic etc

I’d still share the card with my partner. Sorry, you are managing this and it’s shit. But you remain very, very vulnerable of you don’t work and you split up. Even if married, the usual legal decisions now are for ‘clean splits’ with the partners both being able to house themselves. 50:50 custody will also be given faintly easily (I accept disability will be one reason this might not happen), and in this case both now maintenance payments would be made. You’re just incredibly vulnerable if you don’t have your own income.

This set up is ok. He has recognised your labour

@amanda2k4 it might be better to start a thread asking direct questions about your own situation rather than this general question.

From what you’ve described, there is absolutely no way that I would consider being a sahw to your dh. Trust, respect and open communication are absolutely vital.

Have a search for the facilitated men threads from years ago on the old feminism boards.

It’s very easy to see a sahp situation as one partner working to support/keep another; but the sahp is also providing labour to support the others lifestyle. If a man cannot see what he’s getting out of it, it’s absolute madness to consider it.

Hello.Here is my point of view because I'm about become a stay SAHM.I have always worked and I loved my job.With my first I used to take him to work and it worked well.However, I've just had my second baby 4 months ago and going back to work seems financially impossible.I don't want other people to look after my kids and I feel the need to be with them until the age of 3.For that reason I might temp at the supermarket/night shifts to have some money for myself.

it will be of you consider childcare costs to be out of your wage. They are a family cost. If you do provide the childcare, then your partner shares their money with you. Great if you want to put into the pot as well but you dont need ti get some money just for you. Everything about your post is why women are left in financially risky positions. You’ve had kids as a family.

Maybe but my career was a bit mediocre before I had kids.I also done OU degree while looking after my first.I hopefully will be able to use it when my daughter gets her 30h.I'm going to be completely honest but I don't want go back to work I want to be at home for my kids.It really doesn't pay to work in England especially as a woman.Childcare is very expensive and rubbish in places.Why would pay someone to look after my kids if I can do the same job at home.It makes me physically sick thinking that somebody else will look after my kids.My eldest is at the full time nursery and I love doing school pick up and drop off.My husband is a good man and he doesn't control finances but I don't take the piss either.I will work one day when my youngest gets her funded hours.In my country mums stay at home for 2 years paid full-time and then 80%for the second year.England really needs to catch up and finally support working mothers.

just reading through these old comments - i breached this to my partner and he accused me of requesting to get paid for looking after my own kids lol and said why isn't paying all the bills all the food enough for me, and i seem to always want more and more

this is a good set up! how do you pay into ur pension if you aren't working? was your husband reluctant to do this - my partner asks why I would expect him to do this and as if providing everything else for me isn't good enough (mortgage, bills, food, holidays)

I have always earned my own money & been independent

I have my freedom !

Nobody telling me that I cannot do X or cannot go to Y

SAHM would be my idea of hell