What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

So I'm a SAHM. I would not countenance the surrendered wife bullshit. Yes I run our household, make 90% of the decisions and keep our lives functioning. I have full access to everything, my free time is my own, whoever gets an outing in the diary first gets to go. We are equals and my husband wouldn't dream of treating me as less. He acknowledges readily that I take away all the stresses and strains of day to day living for him. He works hard and earns a good wage. However if it's the end of the day and I'm knackered or fed up he'll cheerfully collect take away on his way home. We are partners, I would never deny that in many respects I am very lucky to live this way, it has perhaps been at a cost to my career, but I was never that career driven. If I want to retrain, it would probably have to be an MA, once children are older, I know DH would happily fund it, if I need to go and work in a minimum wage job I will. Right now doing what I am works for us.

What she said!! ^

Not in a million years would I ever be reliant on a man's income. I would ALWAYS earn my own money regardless of circumstances.

What she said!! ^

I’m in this camp.

“Traditional roles” does not appeal to me in name, it sounds horrible but I don’t know what it means.

I personally couldn't manage being a SAHM, I'd find it isolating as I'm bad at making 'mum friends' but absolutely it should be a choice if both parties in the relationship want it and also as long as the working parent (let's face it, usually the man) recognises the SAHP is doing work that is enabling them and isn't just having a nice time putting their feet up at home while they do the 'real' work.

Good luck with that if you ended up with a disabled child and have no family support.

What she said!!!

Thanks for your reply! So does your husband not do the whole "wants and needs" thing with you - eg its only really acceptable to buy things you guys "need" and not "want". My friends husband says this to her. She respects that he doesn't want her to blow his hard earned cash but I always feel for her if she wants to get hair and nails done - is that classed as a want?! He doesn't like to go food shopping so she does all that, he pays, but im pretty sure she would have to explain what she buys to him in order for him to pay it off. Like, what if she wants to go and buy xmas decorations?! or some new clothes?!
Granted, if she is working then she can do all this with her own money.

Or holidays?! Because he is paying - does he get to decide where and when?

I'm currently a sahm and dh supports us. I have worked and will work again at some point.

I think it's a shame some men nowadays seem to take no pride in providing for their family. These are usually the type who also expect their wives to do all housework whilst simultaneously working full time.

I would never not work , unless I had to for medical reasons or my DS.
If a man wants to leave you with nothing he will , my DF is a multi millionaire and still left my mum high and dry in their divorce. He didn't earn as much then , but was still extremely wealthy. he hid his money and paid her 300 quid a month.
I now work 3 days a week but negotiated a full time wage , so appreciate im lucky. My DH pays all bills though, my money goes on my car , food shopping, childcare , loan we have , days out , holidays etc. Works well for us and we both in a decentish amount which makes it easier.

@SeptemberSuns just out if interest, why would you not want to be dependent on your husband’s income (if you were married)?
what exactly is the problem with pooling labour and pooling money together to run and home and raise a family?

Absolutely it wouldn’t be for me. However, whatever works for each couple is the right thing for them.

I’m divorced and long term single now but in my marriage, we both worked and everything was pooled in a joint account. We also shared housework etc depending on circumstances at the time.

That's why I like being the higher earner in our marriage. So I can have choices.

And what choice would being a higher earner give you if you were in this situation?

It would work nicely for me, the American version of SAHM. But no Prince Charming offered it to me 😆. The woman in that scenario in the USA usually does a lot in the community/church too. And sometimes some part-time work, helping her husband or returning to work after children have grown.

However, it really depends on the woman of course and her job/career. I didn’t like my job and my health issues were too bad to have a proper career so the more fluid SAHM would have suited me better

So it’s really each to their own.

Because you're fucking your own earning potential. You could end up trapped with him but wanting to leave, or he leaves and now you're working a min wage job cos you've no exp.

I used to be a SAHM while OH worked and paid the bills, then he started paying me for the work I did in the house so I had more money for myself which I think is the fair way to do it because I certainly saved him a lot of time and money on cooking, cleaning and childcare. But ultimately I decided its too risky to stay like that, if we split up I'd be in a very weak position so now I'm retraining so I can get a decent job.

I don't care what works for each couple/family, but household and childcare should be split according to working hours, i.e. if a couple both work full time, they should split all childcare and household stuff 50/50. I personally could never be fully financially reliant on my DH, I think it puts us both in a risky situation as what if he can't work? and I'd worry he'd resent being the only earner.

And no women should ever ever be a SAHM unless married. You have zero protection.

Excuses excuses.

The attitudes of some of the women on here are truly stuck in the dark ages.

Because I would NEVER want to be dependent on anyone EVER.

It depends a lot on what security you have in the situation. If all money is pooled and you can walk away tomorrow knowing you get half of everything without contest and whatever you need to be as comfortable as you were in the marriage , (taking into consideration your future earning potential will be severely limited after years of being unemployed )it can work I suppose.
Presumably if all this is written up in advance fairly, walking away if you start being disrespected would be easier.
otherwise, very dangerous.

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