What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

Since having children I’ve been a SAHM (trailing spouse), worked PT and worked FT. At no point did I think of myself as contributing less because I was caring for our (joint) children rather than doing paid work and I wouldn’t have even considered doing it on the sort of basis OP sets out. All money has always been completely joint.

I think the view of childcare as a lesser contribution is incredibly misogynistic and based under-valuing of domestic work traditionally done by women. If men traditionally were SAHPs you can be sure this wouldn’t be the case.

Are you serious, what is feminist about staying at home cooking and cleaning and relying on a man's income?

Erm, personal choice? Freedom to live life how we see fit? Get the fuck out of here with your utter judgement

It is really strange and somewhat depressing that anyone should still think that most (perhaps all) women would, given the choice and guarantee of financial security, prefer to be an SAHM.

I get a huge amount of personal and professional satisfaction from my job, in addition to a good salary which allows me a lot of independence. I also get a huge amount of joy and satisfaction from parenting. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Some of my friends have chosen the SAHM path and it’s been absolutely the right thing for them. But it wouldn’t have worked for me. This isn’t new, btw. My mum worked once my sister and I were in school as did most of my friends’ mothers. My grandmothers worked too.

I do think that, where both partners agree that one should stay at home, there should be equal access to financial resources.

Absolutely. There are too many posts on mn where a sahm is left with nothing because they have no financial independence or security. When it works then great, it's lovely that when a parent wants to they have the option to be a sahp but when it ends badly it's the sahp that suffers.

It's not even just staying in the home, it can be disastrous when a woman has put her career on hold or been very part time. A friend of mine is there now, put her career on hold to raise kids and has been doing 1 or 2 days in a low paid job but her dh cheated and she can't afford to stay in the family home, is struggling to find a job with more hours and generally financially fucked.

Personally, I like having a career and financial independence. I know should the worst happen me and my dc wouldn't be left destitute.

@Comedycook I don't know what you're talking about but I am in no way criticising the parent of a disabled child. If you knew my circumstances you would realise how utterly ridiculous that comment was.

@spweezer oh the irony of the utter judgement comment.

So we're back to where we started. Being the higher earner gives me choices. The default person to give up work would not be me. It could be, but not necessarily.

It is really strange and somewhat depressing that anyone should still think that most (perhaps all) women would, given the choice and guarantee of financial security, prefer to be an SAHM.

Why the fuck do you care?!

So why did you quote that particular post when you said "excuses, excuses"?

Not really. I'm not passing judgement on anyone's way of life, I couldn't care less.

I do, however, care that judgement is passed on the way my husband and I choose to divide labour in our own family.

We’re entirely 50/50 except I work a 4 day week and he does 5. We earn the same though, pool our income and both take the same amount of fun spends. And aside from the extra day’s childcare I can honestly say we split everything else 50/50. I appreciate I’m lucky though.

I have friends who have married men who earn a lot more than them and while I’m jealous about the money (who wouldn’t be!) I think it raises a difficult decision once children are in the picture. In an ideal world mine wouldn’t be in childcare four days a week but it’s normal in my working world so I’ve made my peace with it. Will be interesting to see what friends with rich husbands will do when kids come along… I half wonder if it creates as many problems as it solves.

For example, a friend found out that her baby 2 was twins. Same household income as us but their split was 80/20. So she quit work as it didn’t make any sense to carry on. We wouldn’t have had that option. But would I prefer to take a SAHM role when I’ve worked hard to be where I am and enjoy the intellectual stimulation?

As everyone has said… it’s what suits each family. The problem is (often) that you don’t know the sort person your partner will be until you get there.

Same for me. We also jointly own the house, and all our monies are joint. Joint credit cards too. DH spent a lot of our early marriage working away Monday to Friday, so for us it was a joint decision for me not to work. I did work for a while, but weekends were then so shit, I gave up. DH is topping up my pension too. We are a team of equals, just with different roles and responsibilities

Where's there's proper teamwork the factors you mention (like the husband choosing the holiday destination, etc.) simply do not arise. As a team, husband and wife decide together who's going to do what, e.g. who is going to earn money, who is going to look after DC. In fact, I think where there's a solid team, conversations about who's going to do how much of any responsibility rarely occur. It will happen organically. It's only when a toxic third party tries to interfere that problems, like those you mention, arise.

I think a lot of SAHM in the US are religious and as a couple believe in more traditional roles often deriving from their religious beliefs. As a result divorce in those groups is much lower.

i know a lot on MN caution against becoming a SAHM and losing financial independence and it’s a very valid point. I’m a SAHM but have my own small income from investments so I am not completely financially dependent on my husband. We also met when I massively out earned him so chores have always been split and we continue to do that. We don’t have family so all childcare is on us and we have never wanted to outsource childcare, I’m so grateful I no longer have to work, our lifestyle isn’t so extravagant but it’s happier.

Good luck with that if you ended up with a disabled child and have no family support.

Well, that is me. I have two disabled children in fact and I'm a lone parent. And I work full time because there is no other way to provide for us all, is there?

I'm in a similar situation to Pashazade and no, I don't have to justify any spending to my DH. The only question is 'Can we afford it?' which only gets asked if it's a big purchase, eg a holiday or a new laptop.

Please tell us how you do it? Who looks after your dc while you're working?

So if you was to divorce you get half the house and half from his bank account?

I don't go to work just in case DH fucks me over. I enjoy my job, I'm currently doing additional qualifications through work and our salaries are basically equal.
And I don't do all the housework. I do 50%, and I do 50% of all the school runs, days off when DC are sick, DC medical appointments etc etc. It works for us and it's what we want. If being a SAHM works for you, great. But not every woman with a husband and a job is spending her time wishing she didn't have to work.

So if your dh suddenly started to our earn you, you'd have to then compete to try and out earn him?

@spweezer - if you fucking thought I was passing judgment on SAHMs, that was not my fucking intention at all. I think it’s a great thing to be if it works for all concerned. It wouldn’t be for me but I’ve got a number of friends who are very happily SAHMs.

I was taking issue with the suggestion that deep down all women would prefer to be SAHMs which I think ignores the fact that many women get professional satisfaction from working and value the financial independence that comes from earning your own salary.

@amanda2k4 of course husband and wife naturally get 50 50 in the event of a divorce. Sometimes the split will be different depending on circumstances but the default is obviously 50 50!

Each to their own with what works for their family but I work because:

1. It gives me money to spend without ever feeling like I am spending someone else's money.

1. If my marriage breaks down, DH dies or has health issues meaning he can't work for a while, we will be in a better financial position than if I had several years as a SAHP and no recent experience of work.

1. I can spend time talking to other grownups without our children being the default topic.

1. My DC see me having an identity and responsibilities outside the home and away from them. That their interests/wants will sometimes take a bit of a back seat, meaning they are used to having to adjust as they grow up and get used to not being the centre of attention and decision making.

1. I enjoy my job. I did not enjoy being a SAHP for the few months I was unemployed a few years ago - I found it a bit suffocating and boring, especially when DC were at school.

I'm a SAHM to an almost 2 year old and pregnant. My husband dosent come home to a clean tidy house with a meal ready. He still helps with housework and we have a cleaner. But once the kids are older then I won't expect him to.

I can't say I've ever thought that hard about it, I guess because it's extremely unlikely to happen.