What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

Yes. He doesn't have a bank account, it's joint, I don't think he even knows the passwords 😂 We have everything in joint. For tax purposes, I also have ISA's and shares in my name. As I said we are a team of equals.

Please tell us how you do it? Who looks after your dc while you're working?

Specialist nannies. It's financially crippling on top of the mortgage etc alone but there is no other choice. If I don't work I can't provide what the children need or keep a roof over their heads.

If I had given up work when they were born, when their father was still around, we would be absolutely destitute now.

They must be able to access holiday clubs

Holiday clubs! 😆😆 Eeerrrm, no. No chance they'd ever be able to do that.

Interested in the use of traditional here. SAHM or " housewives" as they were called then, only really came into being post WWII. Before that all working class women worked and upper class women were occupied by running big houses usually with staff and had similar lesuire to their husbands.

I think it can work, but also there can be resentment on either side. I think teenagers are unbelievably expensive so it is useful to maintain 2 careers. Also think about pensions.

When I ended my first marriage, I had 2 young kids. Had I been unemployed at the time, it would have been much more difficult to go it alone and I wouldn't have had the options I did at the time.

I was working part time, so I was able to very quickly secure a full time role in the same career from there. My ex husband would have happily sunk me financially if I'd considered relying on him to be financially fair in the divorce. He'd have forced the house to be repossessed etc and dragged things out for years, and all I wanted was my life.
So I took the kids and started again.

Without my career it would have been a far lower starting point.

We are equal partners. I don't find the picture you've painted in the OP to be at all attractive.

I've been at SAHP and so has DH. We both took turns when the kids were little. We also also both did part time.
We now both work full time and both parent.

I have an enjoyable and rewarding career and a brain. Why would I want to stay home and clean the house a cook a hot dinner?

No, not for me. I was with a " love of my life" for nearly twenty years and to how he acted when we split, I got down on my knees and thanked a God that I do not often pray to that I never took myself away from work and side hustles and meeting women outside of my socio economic group.
I got great advice and couldn't be ground down to split assets for a quiet life and wasn't left starting from scratch.
I just couldn't trust any man, especially those born to Boomers and younger to hold up their end of being a Traditional Man that rarely includes the " honourable" aspect. The days of men correcting each other have been over for a long time and in a lot of ways is looked down upon by women " who can fight their own battles"......until they can't.
So the social boulder of fake feminism that includes equality with none of the equity is something else that too many disingenuous men can hide behind when it comes down to them not being shamed for acting the arsehole.

Amazing, not one mention of the joy of brining up your children directly, rather than getting someone else to do it, staggering.

As their parent, I've always considered myself to have brought my DC directly, thanks very much

But you must realise that some people would be worse off if their salary was less than the cost of those nannies?

I'd love to spend more time with my children. However, they also require somewhere to live and food to eat and clothes to wear. What an insensitive comment.

Let's be honest. A lot of the United States is full of God botherers who think that this set-up is only right and proper, and the women don't really get to have a say in it at all. They are brought up and indoctrinated in an environment where it is automatically expected of them, and they don't really consider that there could be an alternative.

Here in the UK we are somewhat more enlightened...

It worked perfectly for us when kids were little. No way would I have wanted to work then, with the sleepless nights and foggy brain. He worked and I did the rest.. teamwork. When youngest went to school I started work again and love it.

Careful you'll start a 'parenting vs child care' debate

But you must realise that some people would be worse off if their salary was less than the cost of those nannies?

Yes, hence the importance of focusing on building a career and some financial independence before having children so that you have some protection from destitution in such a situation.

It's not great. It means I get very little sleep because I work all day and care for them all night. But compared to us having ended up in a hostel and at the mercy of the state it is better this way. I was married to their father. He earned similarly to me. Does he support them? No. Does he see them? Never. Did marriage afford any of this much vauntes protection? No, it was the most expensive mistake I ever made financially. Never again. If I'd ever allowed myself to rely on him financially then the results would have been catastrophic for me and for my children.

Not for me. The kind of men who want a “traditional wife” are not the type of men who want an equal relationship or have respect for women as equal humans.

im a single mum so have to be provider and do childcare/ house. I do have a cleaner (but I hate to clean anyway). But even though it’s hard I would so much rather this than be beholden to someone else for my financial security.

A lot of assumptions and judgements on this thread. As usual.

I was a SAHM when we had three small DC and DH was working long hours.

I did nearly all of the housework and childcare because I had the time to do it and he didn't. He wasn't an arse about it though, eg he wouldn't get cross if the house was a mess.

However, money was completely shared. I could spend whatever I liked, within reason, in exactly the same way that he could. Things like holidays were decided between us not by him alone. This was in recognition of the fact that looking after three young children and saving childcare fees was my contribution to the family finances.

When my youngest started school I went back to work.

This is pretty much what my life is at the moment. We have one in year 1, and an under 2 year old.

I have no plans on ever returning to work either ✌🏻

I've been SAHM/W for years absolutely love it . I have full control over our home life and money I started a business 5 years ago . DH has always worked unsociable hours so it just worked for us and the kids .he gets way more time at home and with me . I had horses and dogs to care for so I needed to be on hand and not bogged down by an employer. The kids loved me being around all the time we had a much more productive life and make a lot more money. It's not for everyone but do what ever works for you . That's it for me not saying anymore as SAH threads usually go down hill fast when the usual suspects appear 😉

This is always a touchy subject as its so easy to take personally someone else's opinion - surely we all want to do what's best for our families!

Personally, I'd hate being a sahm. I get very little satisfaction and accomplishment from housework/cooking, and I do from earning money and being recognised for my work. I much prefer our quality of life afforded by both our salaries. I don't accuse my husband of being malicious, but I can see how expectations could be mismatched and resentment arise on both sides if we had a strict separation. I find sharing work/money/housework/childcare 50/50 .ages this easier.

I also find I spend more quality time with my children this way. Probably due to my poor housekeeping abilities, but I find keeping on top of cleaning/organising the house/cooking/groceries etc takes me ages, and makes me distracted and irritable trying to do it around the children - working and outsourcing this makes me able to enjoy my time with the children

Hang on. So the husband works, the wife stays at home. But
She is not allowed to go out with her friends.
Husband complains about whatever he finds amiss about housekeeping standards.
H controls the money and queries every penny spent.
H controls when / if the W can spend on herself.

This is abusive, not traditional.

Good on you @IBlinkThereforeIAm Iam a single mum of two - one has sen. It’s hard work but like you I built my career when I was younger so I can afford help. Not comparing myself to you though, you sound like you have it much harder.

My view is that it would never have worked for me, but if it works for other people that’s great and they should do it. The great thing about a free country is being able to live how we choose, within the law obviously. Surely there is no more to it than that?

Overall, as a group women would benefit far more from campaigning against the continued inequality in society. The discrimination and pay gap that still persists, the barriers to career progression particularly for mothers, the abysmal support for families and single parents, antiquated divorce laws, sexist expectations and attitudes still so prevalent everywhere in society, the tax system that discriminates against people with children and single people, which means that single parents (which could happen to any of us and who are 90% women) are doubly disadvantaged.

What proportion of men do you think are starting threads about whether it would be advantageous to them to be a stay at home parent and totally financially reliant on their wife, and what standards of cleaning she'll expect and how controlling she's likely to be about what they are allowed to buy with her money, whether they should completely submit to her will on everything and should accept no social life or choices while she does whatever she wants outside of work because she is providing for them (per the "traditional" model the OP references - total misnomer given this isn't remotely traditional at all).

Some men do spend a period being a stay at home parent, but I'd suggest zero would contemplate the above setup. In fact, research suggests that when women are the higher earner in a couple they actually do an even higher proportion of housework compared to the man than women do who earn less than their husbands. Men would never tolerate any of this. So for me the main question is: why do women tolerate it? And not only that, why are some actively seeking it? That is very depressing, as a PP stated.