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Original poster

Girlfriend Clubbing on Girls Holiday

167 replies

CharmingChap · 23/10/2023 05:02

I’m a 49 year old Guy who’s separated and divorcing. Twelve Months ago I met an amazing woman (47) also going through a divorce. Until recently all has been really great. Her divorce finally completed a month ago. Since then, she has started going out a lot more with girlfriends. On Saturday she went on a girls holiday. The last two nights, she’s been out clubbing until 4 and 5 am. Saturday she said her mobile was dead and didn’t text….. Tonight she texted saying she was dancing on the bar “Having great fun” ! I’m a secure guy, but…….. What do people think, is this normal/reasonable - should I be worried.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 23/10/2023 15:46

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 15:31

OK but ops partner is not a clubber. It began when her divorce came through. That suggests she's getting something out if her system. And unfortunately sometimes these things spiral.

Also sorry but I agree there's misandry here. We would be urging caution if op was a woman. We'd be saying we understand her insecurities regarding this. Yes, we might also be saying 'it's a question of trust'. But we wouldn't be gaslighting her and saying it's not ok to be a little worried.

Also the side issue that op probably didn't sign up for a party animal. So if this clubbing thing is going to become a regular thing then that's a worry too. Irregardless of whether or not she would ever cheat.

I often deride the "cool wives" on here - the ones who claim that they don't care if their DH goes out every Friday, staggering in at 4am, and completely unable to contribute to family life the next day.

But this isn't even vaguely the same. She's away for a weekend. She's in what can surely only be seen as a relatively casual relationship with the OP? Her divorce has just come through so I imagine she's also celebrating finally being free (my sister and I went on a 2 day bender after her divorce FINALLY came through - even though they'd been separated for nearly 3 years at that point and she'd had a couple of flings and one short term relationship in the intervening period).

If he doesn't want to be with someone who likes clubbing and going out until 5am, and this becomes a regular feature of her life, then sure, he has every right to end the relationship. he doesn't have the right to tell her to stop doing it.

SamW98 · 23/10/2023 15:49

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2023 14:12

This shows how differently men and women think about sex.

I suspect there is nothing further from her mind than getting it on with anyone.

She's on holiday with her friends - she wants to dance and hang out with her friends.

Have you cheated on someone or been cheated on before? I agree that you don't sound secure.

Absolutely. She’s on holiday with friends having a great time. As you say, almost certainly the last thing on her mind is having a random shag. And a few late nights on holiday doesn’t make her a wild clubbing party girl either like some posts seem to think.

Im sure many of us have gone to tacky cheesy bars and clubs on holiday with the girls that we would never enter in a million years at home. Its the escapism and freedom of being somewhere different without worrying about getting up for work, cooking dinner, housework and every day life.

Sugarfish · 23/10/2023 19:16

Why is getting in at 4 or 5, different to getting in a 1 or 2? It’s only time! And it’s not like she’s gonna wake you when she gets in.

I’m mid 30s and I still like an all nighter every few months. I love dancing and the atmosphere of a night out with my friends. Why would I want to cut it short if I’m having a good time? I’ve also been in a relationship for over 10 years with a man who would rather stick pins in his eyes than have a night out. But he never minds me going out, it’s not every weekend, it doesn’t mean I’m looking to cheat on him and I’m a grown up who can go out if she wants.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 19:19

Lordy -another man on here wiv ishoooes - can none of you fuck off and find something proper to whinge about?

What is this nonsense?!

RantyAnty · 23/10/2023 19:57

Misandry doesn't exist.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 20:27

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/10/2023 09:14

I'm sick of this. This is the third thread I've read on here TODAY from a man turning to women on Mumsnet to validate their own shitty attitude towards their partners. Why is there suddenly an influx of men looking to use this forum as another stick with which to beat women? So what, you can turn to her and say "even the women on Mumsnet think you should be home by 12 and they all think that I'm just an amazing boyfriend for allowing you to go out dancing with your friends"? It's bullshit, I'm sorry.

It also just doesn't matter what we think. If she wants to go out drinking until 5am that's fine, she's 47 years old. If it's not for you then break up with her, you're clearly incompatible. But it's not at all on to try and pressure her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave, and to solicit other women into being complicit to it. Fucking sick to the back teeth of men trying to control women's behaviour through this weird little drip drip of their perception of what a woman should be behaving like. There's millions of women who like being home by 12, go and date one of them.

As if men don't already control the agenda of the whole world, they now want their fucking agenda on Mumsnet as well.

A standing ovation to you!

This bullshit happens all the time. Luckily the women of MN rarely fall for it.

And as for man-hating, which is what we're often accused of, I think it's the opposite. My dad is wonderful, my DH is a gem, I have lots of great male friends. So I expect great behaviour from men, I know so many great men.

I think the women who expect nothing and don't have standards actually hate men far more than me. They believe they are controlling, lazy, stupid, lacking empathy and are therefor not capable of reasonable behaviour. That's sexist. Not naming shit male behaviour when we see it.

StrangePaintName · 23/10/2023 22:09

Good post, @MrsTerryPratchett.

occhiazzurri · 23/10/2023 22:39

To provide a different perspective, I completely understand where you are coming from as I have met plenty of 40s divorced men who were keen on going out clubbing and drinking into the early hours of the night. Their behaviour showed me that they were simply incompatible with someone like me who never went clubbing even in my 20s. So I think it may just be a case of incompatibility and you can decide whether you want to be in a relationship with this person or not.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 24/10/2023 15:36

Given we hate men so much, why are so many of you here?

Rania78 · 24/10/2023 17:44

Ladies leave the man alone 😂. You have attacked him so much.
sorry to say this but if it was a woman writing this about a man you would have been livid telling her ti leave him.
@CharmingChap she is just enjoying the completion of the divorce proceedings. At the end of the day even If she cheated there is nothing you can do about it.
Now if she continues going out with her friends and spending less and less time with you then maybe you can have the “where things are with us” chat.

Livelifelaughter · 24/10/2023 18:14

Rania78 · 24/10/2023 17:44

Ladies leave the man alone 😂. You have attacked him so much.
sorry to say this but if it was a woman writing this about a man you would have been livid telling her ti leave him.
@CharmingChap she is just enjoying the completion of the divorce proceedings. At the end of the day even If she cheated there is nothing you can do about it.
Now if she continues going out with her friends and spending less and less time with you then maybe you can have the “where things are with us” chat.

With you.... there's literally been posts about men not replying to messages in a hour on these forums and others about men returning home late or not being contactable ....if it was a bloke away with his mates on holiday until 4 am the assumption would be that he is shagging..

FeverBeam · 24/10/2023 18:24

sorry to say this but if it was a woman writing this about a man you would have been livid telling her ti leave him.

such an original contribution.

He's been seeing her a few months, her divorce has just come through, she's on holiday with her friends. She doesn't need a curfew.

acpk55 · 24/10/2023 22:39

My new GF goes on the Butlin’s weekenders with her GF’s and I don’t care what they do ( no shagging hopefully), but she is wasted for days afterwards but still has to drag her arse to work, but that’s her problem not mine 😂,

Echobelly · 24/10/2023 22:40

I never once went clubbing with the intention of pulling anyone or getting laid. People mostly just like dancing?

RantyAnty · 24/10/2023 22:43

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 24/10/2023 15:36

Given we hate men so much, why are so many of you here?

They come for the ass pats. They can't help themselves.

Rania78 · 25/10/2023 10:07

They try to understand how women think and obtain some advice. Don’t forget that, unfortunately, men usually don’t discuss these kind of things between them.
I must admit though that sometimes I do find MN a bit black and white and kind if unfair to men.
However, I do wish there was a Dadsnet.com as well so that I can sneak through and understand how men think and possibly get some advice.

CacenCaws · 25/10/2023 11:33

Rania78 There is a Dadsnet section on here

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 25/10/2023 11:40

It's perfectly fine to decide you don't want to continue dating soneone whose lifestyle is different from your own. I'm 48, clubbing is my idea of hell and if I were dating I wouldn't be compatible with someone who was the clubbing until 5a.m. type.

But if you're looking for confirmation that clubbing until 5a.m. is inherently not an ok thing to do, or that it means she's cheating, then you're barking up the wrong tree.

perfectcolourfound · 25/10/2023 14:18

Some posters seem to either have not read the post properly, or are deliberately misunderstanding. They're talking about MN 'double standards' and how people would give a different response if it was a woman asking.

I've been on here a long time, and that isn't my experience at all.

My opinion (and I believe most posters, based on experience) in this sort of case is:

She is a grown woman, away on holiday, celebrating her divorce being over perhaps, with her friends...... noone has a right to give her a curfew or to suggest that being out at 5 in the morning means she's cheating. The fact you think you can trust her until 2am but after that she must be cheating on you is illogical, and probably says more about what YOU think you'd do in her shoes.

If I was your gf and knew that you didn't trust me and thought I should have a curfew, I would get away from you as fast as I could.

The occasions when people have objected to someone's partner staying out til the early hours have ALWAYS been in the sort of situation where: they are staying out til the early hours / coming home drunk when they're meant to be looking after children the next day or out on a family day. And they end up staying in bed and shirking their responsibilities. Or they often say they'll be home at 10 and come home hours later, without a message to the Op, who's left worrying if they're OK. Or they don't let the Op go out for the night, but they disappear out 3 times a week themselves.

This situation is completely different. A woman, on holiday with her friends, doesn't have to answer to her bf back him. Can you imagine being 47 and saying to your friends 'I have to leave the club now. My bf back him will be upset and angry if I stay out beyond 2am'.

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/10/2023 15:22

CharmingChap · 23/10/2023 07:07

Just to be clear, I have no issue with her clubbing at all. I want her to have a great time with her mates. It was purely about the getting in at 4 & 5 am rather than 1 or 2am

Edited

Why does 4-5 bother you but 1-2 doesn't? If its because she might be shagging someone else, then she could easily be doing that earlier in the evening too.

You can't control your partners behaviour, you have to trust them until they give you a reason not too. My DP of 17 years goes out clubbing until that time in the morning a few times a year. Does it bother me? No, because I'm in a secure relationship where I trust my partner.

And finally "CharmingChap"? May as well have just called yourself "NiceGuy" and we all know the connotations there.

Sparklfairy · 25/10/2023 17:48

if it was a bloke away with his mates on holiday until 4 am the assumption would be that he is shagging

You've missed the huge culture (?) difference between a 'lads holiday' and a 'girls holiday'.

Get a group of male friends together going away partners or not, and they'll be egging each other on on nights out with who can pull, what happens in Ibiza stays in Ibiza...

A girls holiday could also be exactly that, but often the women just want to relax and let their hair down with their friends rather than sniffing round for a one night stand.

TomPinch · 25/10/2023 18:59

Ignore the digs, OP. Threads like this always have them. If you're really into her, and it's a new relationship, it's not insecure to be worry slightly and you do not need to 'work' on yourself.

Just tell her to have a great time with her friends.

Rania78 · 25/10/2023 19:21

CacenCaws · 25/10/2023 11:33

Rania78 There is a Dadsnet section on here

Where? Link please? :)

TomPinch · 25/10/2023 20:01

Rania78 · 25/10/2023 19:21

Where? Link please? :)

Show quote history

It's a very relaxed, soporific place.

vernatheraven · 25/10/2023 21:06

Holidays with the girls on my experience don't involve anything other than fucking about with my mates.

Dancing, drinking, and a takeaway on the way home. yep we do chat with men but then that's it. Chatting and having a drink maybe if we spend a period of time on one place.

However I'm 44. That chat with men is usually us all talking about kids etc. nothing for concern.

She's letting loose with her mates by the sound of it.