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Original poster

Girlfriend Clubbing on Girls Holiday

167 replies

CharmingChap · 23/10/2023 05:02

I’m a 49 year old Guy who’s separated and divorcing. Twelve Months ago I met an amazing woman (47) also going through a divorce. Until recently all has been really great. Her divorce finally completed a month ago. Since then, she has started going out a lot more with girlfriends. On Saturday she went on a girls holiday. The last two nights, she’s been out clubbing until 4 and 5 am. Saturday she said her mobile was dead and didn’t text….. Tonight she texted saying she was dancing on the bar “Having great fun” ! I’m a secure guy, but…….. What do people think, is this normal/reasonable - should I be worried.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 23/10/2023 09:47

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 09:42

Would these same posters above stand for their boyfriend or husband going out clubbing until the early hours?

Yep. Enjoying separate social lives with our owns friends is very healthy imo

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2023 09:49

Let her be who she is. She isn't your possession and you have no say over what she chooses to do or what time she should be home. Don't dress it up as concern for her either - she can take care of herself.

You sound jealous and controlling. You'll lose her if you can't accept her choices.

ginasevern · 23/10/2023 09:51

@CharmingChap

I think you're looking at this from a male perspective (obviously). In my experience men usually go clubbing to pull and, even if they aren't particularly interested, will feel under peer pressure to do so. Women on the other hand (especially older women like your gf) will quite happily go clubbing just to dance the night away and have a blast with the girls. In your gf's case, she has just got divorced and is letting her hair down - celebrating! Pulling a bloke would more likely put a downer on the holiday. I'm not sure what difference it makes if she gets in at 2am or 5am really. Most people don't start clubbing until around midnight anyway. I do agree however that if this was a post from a woman with the same "concerns" the replies would be somewhat different.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2023 09:51

ApolloandDaphne · 23/10/2023 08:08

You might see that but I would raise my eyebrows if I saw it said about a man. I hate the double standards and the man hating that goes on on MN.

Show quote history

Most people on here only get the 'ick' when we're talking about strip clubs and lapdancing.

Not normal clubbing

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 09:51

@AmazingSnakeHead

I get what you're saying, but I don't see his agenda... the last few lines of OP's post were "is this normal/reasonable - should I be worried"

I'm not sure how a man asking whether he's overreacting is offensive. If I'm wrong, tell me :)

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/10/2023 09:54

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/10/2023 09:14

I'm sick of this. This is the third thread I've read on here TODAY from a man turning to women on Mumsnet to validate their own shitty attitude towards their partners. Why is there suddenly an influx of men looking to use this forum as another stick with which to beat women? So what, you can turn to her and say "even the women on Mumsnet think you should be home by 12 and they all think that I'm just an amazing boyfriend for allowing you to go out dancing with your friends"? It's bullshit, I'm sorry.

It also just doesn't matter what we think. If she wants to go out drinking until 5am that's fine, she's 47 years old. If it's not for you then break up with her, you're clearly incompatible. But it's not at all on to try and pressure her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave, and to solicit other women into being complicit to it. Fucking sick to the back teeth of men trying to control women's behaviour through this weird little drip drip of their perception of what a woman should be behaving like. There's millions of women who like being home by 12, go and date one of them.

As if men don't already control the agenda of the whole world, they now want their fucking agenda on Mumsnet as well.

All of this. So sick of it.

As for the OP, how and why on earth would you get yourself into a “serious” year long relationship before you’re even divorced?? Was either bed even cold?

Coming out of a marriage, even a not particularly bad one, should be a time for self-reflection, healing and then beginning to have some fun and date again, not falling headlong into another LTR within five minutes.

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2023 09:54

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 09:42

Would these same posters above stand for their boyfriend or husband going out clubbing until the early hours?

Of course. Though I'd think he had had a personality change since clubbing has never been his thing. But out drinking late, absolutely.

Muddle2000 · 23/10/2023 09:57

Quite normal to go clubbing on holiday

EvenBetta · 23/10/2023 09:59

Who was your reply to, OP?
Focus on your divorce and working on yourself, mind your own business, and don't inflict your embarrassing paranoia on any woman, ever. You're not ready to date.

Longma · 23/10/2023 10:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

SplendidUtterly · 23/10/2023 10:06

TheDisgustingBrothers · 23/10/2023 07:55

The double standards on MN sometimes are hilarious. If this was a woman talking about a man there would be cries of:

’he’s still clubbing at 47? Ick. Ditch the man child.’
’he can’t respect you enough to keep you informed whilst he’s away, ditch him!’
’don’t stand for this, you’re not compatible, ditch him!’

😂😂

THIS 🤣
Oh and let me add...

"I wouldnt toletate this behaviour"
"Red flags"
"A 47 year old man child out clubbing until 5am? I'm getting the MN ick here OP'

SallyWD · 23/10/2023 10:18

The thing is, from your male perspective you probably see clubbing as "going on the pull" because a lot of blokes hope to have sex after a night clubbing. For many (not all) women it's just not the same. They want a drink and a dance and that's it.

Themerrygoround · 23/10/2023 10:33

Her phone will have been dead . She will have been taking loads of pictures .

I don’t think it’s a rebound . She has no reason to be with you for a year then go and cheat .
You can sleep with Someone at 4pm or 4am .

I would be this women out dancing and im
no cheat .
I love to let my hair down with friends . Men really don’t come into it . Actulay past tense at the moment but if I had the chance to have a girls holiday I would.
She’s ditched the shit marriage not you .

BeggyMitchell · 23/10/2023 10:45

SallyWD · 23/10/2023 10:18

The thing is, from your male perspective you probably see clubbing as "going on the pull" because a lot of blokes hope to have sex after a night clubbing. For many (not all) women it's just not the same. They want a drink and a dance and that's it.

There's a lot of truth to this.

A lot of women love to get dressed up go out and dance with their friends; whereas with men often the goal of a night out is simply to pull.

Different mindsets.

SavBlancTonight · 23/10/2023 10:49

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 09:42

Would these same posters above stand for their boyfriend or husband going out clubbing until the early hours?

DH was out dancing until 3am this weekend. I was just very very grateful he didn't mind that I left the party at 11:30!

Tinklyheadtilt · 23/10/2023 11:29

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/10/2023 09:14

I'm sick of this. This is the third thread I've read on here TODAY from a man turning to women on Mumsnet to validate their own shitty attitude towards their partners. Why is there suddenly an influx of men looking to use this forum as another stick with which to beat women? So what, you can turn to her and say "even the women on Mumsnet think you should be home by 12 and they all think that I'm just an amazing boyfriend for allowing you to go out dancing with your friends"? It's bullshit, I'm sorry.

It also just doesn't matter what we think. If she wants to go out drinking until 5am that's fine, she's 47 years old. If it's not for you then break up with her, you're clearly incompatible. But it's not at all on to try and pressure her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave, and to solicit other women into being complicit to it. Fucking sick to the back teeth of men trying to control women's behaviour through this weird little drip drip of their perception of what a woman should be behaving like. There's millions of women who like being home by 12, go and date one of them.

As if men don't already control the agenda of the whole world, they now want their fucking agenda on Mumsnet as well.

Sick of what? You don't seem to mind women saying the same things, so why can't men? This site is for parents.

Also, if a woman had said the same here no chance people would react the same. Sickening double standards once, the misandry here is astounding.

GerbilsForever24 · 23/10/2023 11:37

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/10/2023 09:14

I'm sick of this. This is the third thread I've read on here TODAY from a man turning to women on Mumsnet to validate their own shitty attitude towards their partners. Why is there suddenly an influx of men looking to use this forum as another stick with which to beat women? So what, you can turn to her and say "even the women on Mumsnet think you should be home by 12 and they all think that I'm just an amazing boyfriend for allowing you to go out dancing with your friends"? It's bullshit, I'm sorry.

It also just doesn't matter what we think. If she wants to go out drinking until 5am that's fine, she's 47 years old. If it's not for you then break up with her, you're clearly incompatible. But it's not at all on to try and pressure her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave, and to solicit other women into being complicit to it. Fucking sick to the back teeth of men trying to control women's behaviour through this weird little drip drip of their perception of what a woman should be behaving like. There's millions of women who like being home by 12, go and date one of them.

As if men don't already control the agenda of the whole world, they now want their fucking agenda on Mumsnet as well.

while I understand the thinking, I don't actually mind because I find that in most cases, the man comes on here looking for a stick to beat his partner with, only to be roundly told off (as in this thread) for being a prat!

I'd give good money for exBIL to come post on here. Would be HILARIOUS.

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 13:21

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 09:42

Would these same posters above stand for their boyfriend or husband going out clubbing until the early hours?

Yes of course. Because I'm.not a control freak

StarlightLady · 23/10/2023 13:37

You sound more like the fatheer of a teenager!

WonderingWanda · 23/10/2023 13:48

Is it normal or reasonable?

Mid 40s divorcee having fun - yes, normal and reasonable.

Phone battery running out of charge if out till early hours- yes normal and reasonable most phones run out of battery especially if you've been using them all day.

Not texting boyfriend all night when out with mates or on holiday - yes also normal and reasonable.

You feeling a bit left out - yes, also normal and reasonable.

You wanting to be texted throughout the evening when she is out to reassure you she hasn't / isn't cheating on you - not reasonable or normal in my opinion. You have to decide to trust someone in a relationship. Have you had bad experiences in the past?

Naunet · 23/10/2023 13:59

Tinklyheadtilt · 23/10/2023 11:29

Sick of what? You don't seem to mind women saying the same things, so why can't men? This site is for parents.

Also, if a woman had said the same here no chance people would react the same. Sickening double standards once, the misandry here is astounding.

Show quote history

Yeah the misandry is outstanding when you make things up and pretend it’s fact. 🙄 If YOU wouldn’t react the same, that’s on you, but don’t speak for others here, we don’t all live by your own sexist standards.

Ejismyf · 23/10/2023 14:03

I don't see the issue.

PurpleChrayne · 23/10/2023 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrLbz · 23/10/2023 14:07

Dude i have no idea why you have come to Mumsnet for advice on this!

You have said that her behaviour has changed since the finalisation of her Divorce. I think this is more of a concern.

She doesn't appear to have moved to more time with you and further committing to your relationship, but rather to a more "single" type of lifestyle.

I don't think this is going to last, sorry.

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2023 14:09

CharmingChap · 23/10/2023 07:07

Just to be clear, I have no issue with her clubbing at all. I want her to have a great time with her mates. It was purely about the getting in at 4 & 5 am rather than 1 or 2am

Edited

She's not a fucking child.