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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girlfriend Clubbing on Girls Holiday

167 replies

CharmingChap · 23/10/2023 05:02

I’m a 49 year old Guy who’s separated and divorcing. Twelve Months ago I met an amazing woman (47) also going through a divorce. Until recently all has been really great. Her divorce finally completed a month ago. Since then, she has started going out a lot more with girlfriends. On Saturday she went on a girls holiday. The last two nights, she’s been out clubbing until 4 and 5 am. Saturday she said her mobile was dead and didn’t text….. Tonight she texted saying she was dancing on the bar “Having great fun” ! I’m a secure guy, but…….. What do people think, is this normal/reasonable - should I be worried.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/10/2023 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What the fuck?!

thefamous5 · 23/10/2023 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The fuck?

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2023 14:12

This shows how differently men and women think about sex.

I suspect there is nothing further from her mind than getting it on with anyone.

She's on holiday with her friends - she wants to dance and hang out with her friends.

Have you cheated on someone or been cheated on before? I agree that you don't sound secure.

maclen · 23/10/2023 14:13

TheDisgustingBrothers · 23/10/2023 07:55

The double standards on MN sometimes are hilarious. If this was a woman talking about a man there would be cries of:

’he’s still clubbing at 47? Ick. Ditch the man child.’
’he can’t respect you enough to keep you informed whilst he’s away, ditch him!’
’don’t stand for this, you’re not compatible, ditch him!’

😂😂

I was just going to type this same thing!!

RantyAnty · 23/10/2023 14:16

You don't own her.

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 14:16

TheDisgustingBrothers · 23/10/2023 07:55

The double standards on MN sometimes are hilarious. If this was a woman talking about a man there would be cries of:

’he’s still clubbing at 47? Ick. Ditch the man child.’
’he can’t respect you enough to keep you informed whilst he’s away, ditch him!’
’don’t stand for this, you’re not compatible, ditch him!’

😂😂

Someone says this on nearly every thread.

It's only a double standard if it's the same posters saying a thing that's okay for a woman isn't okay for a man.

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 14:17

I don't think any adult needs to have a curfew imposed on them by a boyfriend/girlfriend.

DoubleParent · 23/10/2023 14:18

If I was a month into my divorce completion I'd be dancing on the tables as well, and I hate that kind of thing! 😅

She's enjoying her freedom, that is no threat to you. I don't think you need to worry.

Didimum · 23/10/2023 14:18

maclen · 23/10/2023 14:13

I was just going to type this same thing!!

Show quote history

Absolutely this all over. But don't forget that MN hates men, so ...

OP, if you haven't abandoned reading the thread – I wouldn't be too thrilled with my partner clubbing til 4/5am either, but if she's on holiday, then I think it's less of a big deal, as if it's all about the night life, then it's likely dozing and sun lounging all day then out til later than you would be in the UK! It's early days, so just keep an eye on whether you think your lifestyles are compatible going forward.

Oh, and MN hates men, so try not to take too many of the responses to heart.

RantyAnty · 23/10/2023 14:20

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/10/2023 09:14

I'm sick of this. This is the third thread I've read on here TODAY from a man turning to women on Mumsnet to validate their own shitty attitude towards their partners. Why is there suddenly an influx of men looking to use this forum as another stick with which to beat women? So what, you can turn to her and say "even the women on Mumsnet think you should be home by 12 and they all think that I'm just an amazing boyfriend for allowing you to go out dancing with your friends"? It's bullshit, I'm sorry.

It also just doesn't matter what we think. If she wants to go out drinking until 5am that's fine, she's 47 years old. If it's not for you then break up with her, you're clearly incompatible. But it's not at all on to try and pressure her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave, and to solicit other women into being complicit to it. Fucking sick to the back teeth of men trying to control women's behaviour through this weird little drip drip of their perception of what a woman should be behaving like. There's millions of women who like being home by 12, go and date one of them.

As if men don't already control the agenda of the whole world, they now want their fucking agenda on Mumsnet as well.

Agree, I'm sick of them being here when there are literally thousands of male places to post.

Yes I know MN has decided they can post, here but the very least they could do is provide a block function so we don't have to be exposed to it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2023 14:25

Treeinthesky · 23/10/2023 08:49

I'm 33 going through a divorce bought ex out recently. I also have a bf of nearly 1 year. And no I wouldn't do this. Tbh I think she's feeling free and either wants to be single or she's just enjoying her self. Go with her clubbing next time or its prob a time she isn't ready for a relationship

I don't think is fair - do you mean you would stay out till 5am if you were single ? Unless you only stay out late to try and pull (and you're not going to pull the best guy there after 2am!) then why's it relevant you might find different things fun to this woman

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2023 14:26

pickledandpuzzled · 23/10/2023 09:20

I think you’re worrying because you see clubbing as an attempt to pull. Many, perhaps most women just want to dance and laugh with their mates. The men there to pull get in the way, rather than being the point.

This

SavBlancTonight · 23/10/2023 14:29

OP, if you haven't abandoned reading the thread – I wouldn't be too thrilled with my partner clubbing til 4/5am either

But why not? I honestly and truly do not understand this. If someone is away, and they are partying, does it matter if they party till 5am? Absolutely if DH did it at home, I'd be pretty annoyed if twas on a weekend where we had a lot on or whatever, but that's a completely different scenario.

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 14:29

Oh, and MN hates men, so try not to take too many of the responses to heart.

I hope he gives you the pat on the head you're craving. 👍

BrimfulOfMash · 23/10/2023 14:31

Posters parroting 'MN hates men' 'MN has double standards' - will you stop speaking for me, please?

There is no MN policy or party line or Uni-mind.

MN, unsurprisingly, has a high proportion of women, typically single mothers and divorced women, who turn to MN for help. They are supported by many others who have been through similar things as a result of bad behaviour by the men involved. So yes, a lot of recognition of potential patterns of behaviour and scepticism over excuses etc.

But generalising like this just makes you look unthinking. And, you have no right to assume that a number of posters / posts comprises 'MN'.

PinkRoses1245 · 23/10/2023 14:44

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 06:08

Bloody he'll. I'm currently trying on a " girls" weekend. I'll older than your Gf

I have barely messaged my DH

We have also been clubbing etc.

Get a grip she's an adult

This. You trust her or you don't. Your post sounds borderline controlling.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 14:46

Look in all fairness I don't think I'd be comfortable with a guy I was seeing doing this. Not because I think he'd necessarily cheat but because he clearly needs to party and enjoy his freedom. And that might be a short phase that becomes a rare occasion thing...or it might spiral.

You've only been seeing her a year, you got with her whilst she was still legally married. People who jump from one thing to the next aren't usually in a healthy place. They haven't done the self work.

Well, now she needs to do the self work.
This is where it begins for her it seems. It's up to you if you want to go along for the ride or not. But you don't seem secure enough about things so I'd do you both a favor and call it a day.

CacenCaws · 23/10/2023 14:52

If she's not back at the hotel asleep by 2am it means she's with another man? Is that what you think? 🙄

DixonD · 23/10/2023 14:55

Changingplace · 23/10/2023 07:11

What does the time of day/night she gets in on holiday have to do with anything?

You need to work on your insecurities, you don’t get to impose a curfew on a grown woman.

Show quote history

You make a very valid point.

However, if a woman posted this about her husband would the MN response be the same? No, he’d be cheating of course.

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 15:01

DixonD · 23/10/2023 14:55

You make a very valid point.

However, if a woman posted this about her husband would the MN response be the same? No, he’d be cheating of course.

Show quote history

She’s not his wife.

Tinklyheadtilt · 23/10/2023 15:07

Naunet · 23/10/2023 13:59

Yeah the misandry is outstanding when you make things up and pretend it’s fact. 🙄 If YOU wouldn’t react the same, that’s on you, but don’t speak for others here, we don’t all live by your own sexist standards.

Show quote history

I judge it on the majority of replies that I see on multiple threads.

SamW98 · 23/10/2023 15:14

Treeinthesky · 23/10/2023 08:49

I'm 33 going through a divorce bought ex out recently. I also have a bf of nearly 1 year. And no I wouldn't do this. Tbh I think she's feeling free and either wants to be single or she's just enjoying her self. Go with her clubbing next time or its prob a time she isn't ready for a relationship

Why does having time with her friends enjoying herself mean she wants to be single or isn’t ready for a relationship?

Im 20 years older than you and been a raver most of my adult life. I’ve always gone away with my friends for holidays and we go to music weekends staying out dancing til 5-6 in the morning often walking back eating chips as the sun comes up.
It’s about music dancing and spending time with friends - it bears zero relation to any relationship status.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 15:31

OK but ops partner is not a clubber. It began when her divorce came through. That suggests she's getting something out if her system. And unfortunately sometimes these things spiral.

Also sorry but I agree there's misandry here. We would be urging caution if op was a woman. We'd be saying we understand her insecurities regarding this. Yes, we might also be saying 'it's a question of trust'. But we wouldn't be gaslighting her and saying it's not ok to be a little worried.

Also the side issue that op probably didn't sign up for a party animal. So if this clubbing thing is going to become a regular thing then that's a worry too. Irregardless of whether or not she would ever cheat.

Livelifelaughter · 23/10/2023 15:40

So I wouldn't be mad about my bf doing that at that age....I wouldn't say anything though. I think when you're married it's actually easier to say you don't mind your spouse doing x, y, z because the relationship is much more established. Everyone has different needs in a relationship, and personally I don't like feeling a bit forgotten. It takes seconds to send a very quick good night message. Sorry, I think if the tables were turned and you were female you would get a different response to those above

Panaa · 23/10/2023 15:43

FeverBeam · 23/10/2023 14:16

Someone says this on nearly every thread.

It's only a double standard if it's the same posters saying a thing that's okay for a woman isn't okay for a man.

Show quote history

Yep 😴
It's not even true because for this particular topic women tend to get the same responses as men.

Swipe left for the next trending thread