What one weird thing has killed a relationship stone dead in an instant for you?

[talkingmongoose]

Just something that told you there was nooooo future?

I was seeing a chap quite some years ago, pre DH. We had been dating about a year, and were getting into bed at his place when I mentioned that I had my period, just in a casual 'so no rumpy-pumpy tonight' kind of way. The issue had never come up before.

He went all pale with disgust, said 'I wish you hadn't told me that', and proceeded to sleep on the floor.

Utter, utter twunt, I never returned his calls after that. Lucky escape.

Do you think that's why he wanted you on top MrsC?

Went out with a lovely man. Kind, thoughtful, presentable and ticked all the right boxes. Fancied the pants off him. Was extremely proud of myself for managing to keep him hanging on until date number 4 before shagging his brains out sex. Which was also pretty lovely until he went down on me afterwards.

2 minutes in and I'm just starting to enjoy myself again when this head popped up between my legs and he said (in a creepy LOTR voice) 'Are you my Preciousssssssss?

My bad entirely for not noticing all the LOTR crap around his house

On the tiny winkle thing...

doesn't it happen that loads of bodybuilder type beefy blokes have tiny ickle willies, as a result of illegal steroids? i.e HUGE muscles, but barely-there love-muscle??

That might explain it for lots of you, ladies...

As you were...

OMG Startingovernow - I'm crying with laughter at the mother tattoo, I'm so glad you shared that with us.

Yes steriods = teeny tiny willy.

I have also experienced Mr Are You In Yet. Red haired Mark from Essex come on down. Or not as the case may be.

Oh God Socialhandgrenade, that's so gruesome.

I feel a bit guilty laughing at the little dick guys. I mean, it must be awful and there is nothing they can do about it. But this is bringing it all back and I've suddenly remembered the 'oh God no' moment when I felt for his dick and found this long bent pencil thing. I just couldn't believe they came that small or in that shape.

I wonder if there is a thread on one of the men's websites about bucket fannies?

NotThe Messiah - probably. But it is not something upon which I wish to dwell.

Chicks with Dicks Porno? I really have led a sheltered life. (Well apart from the oddities previously mentioned.

The man with the seizure post blow job also asked me if I'd be into wearing a strap-on and shagging him up the bum.
I asked him if he was gay. He was most offended. But really, I didnt have a clue. A simple well brought up young innocent.
I have been educated in many things since then.

Do you think, if you had never seen a penis, (and people didnt talk about sex and the internet didnt exist) and the first bloke you met had a weeny one, you would accept it as normal and never wonder about the sweet mystery of life?

Sorry MrsC

This thread has to end up in classics, bloody well done BalloonSlayer for giving it CPR!

I was seeing a man who was very attatched to his diary , so much so that he would detail in it when we had sex , and when i was on my period . It was , in fact , a diary about me and he thought this perfectly normal. The worst bit is that i married him , after years of his snooping , recording me and keeping notes on me , the £20,000 legal bill seemed like a bargain.

He also liked to keep a record of his bowel movements and would try to discuss this with me in detail , along with constantly asking me to look at his arsehole as he had piles and he wasnt sure if he had applied his cream correctly . I actually saw more of his arsehole than i did of him and cannot see grapes without being reminded . Shudder.

Oh.

My.

Jeff.

Diggs - please tell me that the £20k was on legal fees for your divorce to this guy......

Your post reads like a thriller! Arghhhhhh.

Sadly I have also had a Mr Tiny Dick. After months of swooning over the office God I was thrilled beyond belief to be asked out for dinner. Off we went, all gussied up, for a lovely dinner, drinks and then we went back to my place (shameless). Things became a bit lively and then we got down to (his words) "love-making". I tell you I have had bigger tampons.

Also another chap who I really, really, really liked and dreamed about having a future with. Well, he gently put his hand on my neck, pulled me closer and looked into my eyes and said "ElectricSoftParade, I have wanted you for so long and now here we are". Swooning, I was, swooning. Then we kissed. And he licked my mouth. Then licked it some more. Then a bit more. And again. That was his KISSING. I did try. We went out a few more times with me thinking it was nerves or something but no, that is how he kissed.

Yes it was , worth every penny too !
Even now he trys to drop kryptic hints into any convo suggesting that he knows something sinister about me , ie ,

" I know you were out last night and i know where you were , i know people you know " .

Me , yes i know , the kids said you phoned and told you that i was at asdas . How clever of you. Fuck off .

I strongly suspect he has some sort of serious personality disorder . Somebody mentoned this on another thread and i squirmed because he used to do the same thing . When he was about to come he would withdraw and somehow keep the jizz contained in his foreskin , it looked like a little water bomb . He would then go to the loo and empty it . In my defence i was very young when i met him and really didnt realise how weird he was.

I have asked MNHQ to put it in classics and they don't think it's funny enough. But if you all asked....... well we might annoy them into submission!

How can they not find this thread funny enough???? It's the funniest thing I've read in ages........

I've had Mr micro-penis too. But he was a really lovely guy and I felt like a right bitch for being bothered by his lack of inches.

There was also the guy with a framed photo of Jesus and an old-fashioned type writer (for 'creative writing') in his bedroom. I left pretty sharpish.

And the guy who went 'ooo-arrhhh-eee' at the point of orgasm, which I found off-putting. [This last one will out me to anyone who knows me in RL.]

I take black coffee no sugar, it was over for me when I found him sneaking half a teaspoon of sugar into my drink - I had been complaining for ages it tasted sweet and he'd played dumb. When I asked him WTF was he doing he said he wanted me to have sugar! yea? really? well ta ta bub.
During the ceremonial returning of the records etc I found he had taken 3 tshirts, two hats and several pairs of knickers of mine. I burned the knickers.

Many years back on the dating trail I arranged a drink via text with a bloke I vaguely knew. I suggested we meet in bar ha-ha.

He sent back a tirade of verbal abuse along the lines of 'do you think I am a joke you fucking bitch etc etc'

I responded just the once. "It's the name of the bar. Don't contact me again". 8 Months he continued to text me asking for a 2nd chance. Odd ball.

I also had a petit gut who was very delicately boned and also had a willy like a chinese straw mushroom, it was really ugly too. He was very enthusiastic though whilst on the ahem job and that was often a bonus, it did occasionally drift into raped by a rabid ferret mode. He completely ruined it by telling me I needed to 'sort out' some facial hair (that I didn't have). He was 10 years older than me, bald with hairy ears and nose. Yea, OK dream boat.

There is probably more....

I was seeing a guy while at university who had a house next door. He once text me inviting me over for some naughty sex. I went over and asked him what he meant. Aparently naughty sex to him meant keeping all your clothes on

Another one who told me he didnt like my first name, and could he call me another name? Er no.

One who seemed to have a pube fetish. He spent about 15 minutes rubbish my pubes between his fingers, then rolled over and went to sleep. I never saw him again and refused to answer all his texts.

But the best one was a guy that worked at the same bank as me but at a different branch. He was quite manly and well built. Went on a few dates and everything seemed to be going okay so I went back to his place. He had a cat that was so spoilt and overweight. He cooked it its own meals, took it for walks on its own lead and it had its own room. We started getting a bit hot and heavy but he stopped me as I was unbuttoning his pants and told me he couldnt do it in the same house as Pussy (fucking stupid name too), and he called me a cab - didnt ask, just did it. He then sent me a text to say he couldnt see me any more as he didnt think the cat liked me. He has ishoos. I hear from my old colleagues he is still single (big surprise!)

Ewwwwwwwww at "Chinese straw mushroom" [boak]

Who, I agree this is the funniest thing I've read in ages too, has cheered me right up

Will, my post above will out me in RL too but I thought it was worth in to entertain my fellow Mumsnetters

Moles, glad mammy gave you a laugh, not for the faint hearted I tell ya

@MarioandLuigi: Noooooooo - surely not!
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It was so tragic - he was really nice as well. Luckily I found my DH not long after - thought I was going to be dating weirdo's forever.

My DH once met someone through internet dating who on the second date told him that she felt that God had given him to her to replace her boyfriend who had died a few months before. Talk about "not yet ready to date again".

Just markin' me place :)

I went out with this guy for a short while who made really loud sex noises when he came!! I've never been with a bloke that does this (I thought it was a girl thing) and the first time he did it I had to try really hard to stop myself from bursting out laughing. Everytime he did it, it put me off a little bit more.