Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinfedup · 21/10/2023 19:11

I do love my home but i feel maybe to move on fully I'd be better to move away .There is no chance that she will move . He is a stupid man to break our trust . He is the only man I've ever slept with .. I have so much love to give .. He has a top job and highly intelligent but obviously no common sence .. I've told him today there is no way back . I just hope i can stay strong

OP posts:
Rania78 · 21/10/2023 19:30

Feelinfedup · 21/10/2023 19:11

I do love my home but i feel maybe to move on fully I'd be better to move away .There is no chance that she will move . He is a stupid man to break our trust . He is the only man I've ever slept with .. I have so much love to give .. He has a top job and highly intelligent but obviously no common sence .. I've told him today there is no way back . I just hope i can stay strong

You are such a wonderful strong woman. I do admire you a lot.

YouJustDoYou · 21/10/2023 19:31

No. you never, ever truly regain the trust. You will forever be wondering if he's doing it again.

Susieb2023 · 21/10/2023 19:34

You’re doing so well @Feelinfedup, please seek support though and ensure you have someone you trust to talk to. You must be in total shock and bewilderment. This is traumatic stuff, and you’re dealing with an absolutely awful situation.

Thundercnut · 21/10/2023 19:36

@Feelinfedup I've now seen your updates. You have clearly reached the point (understandably) where you can't see a future with him - and all I can say in that case is that you will have a horrible time for a while, but there will be better times to come. You have four children who care about you, and nobody can ever take that away from you. You may or may not meet someone else - it's not top priority at the moment. You are your top priority now, and you need to do whatever you can to ease your path out of the marriage.

I had only ever slept with my ex husband, and we had been together 25 years, so I know how you feel on that score. But thinking about sleeping with someone else is right at the bottom of the to-do list now. What you need to do, given that you have decided to take the unknown and scary path (which will, in fact, lead to better things), is put your practical head on and find out what you are legally entitled to. You have been married a long time and have four children. I don't know whether you have worked during your marriage; I can only say what happened to me as a SAHM, but other women who carried on working will be able to advise you as to what might happen if you've worked during your marriage.

For a long term SAHM with (mostly) adult children, I'd guess a 50:50 split of assets and pension, with a 'clean break'. I had a clean break 60:40 in my favour, but my children were younger. I was able to buy a house outright - not the 'forever' house we had before, and which I imagined our grandchildren in - but now that all my children are older, I know that I don't need a huge house. Ex husband has never paid me (or the children) a penny. Do get legal advice specific to your situation, though.

You will get through this, and you will be okay.

Lavenderosa · 21/10/2023 19:36

You'll stay strong because you won't believe anything he says now. It's your future you're planning for and he can't be part of that, however much he might try to persuade you to include him. You have happiness and a new life ahead so I hope you can keep your focus on that while wading through the sorrow and grieving the loss of the happy marriage you thought you had.

Thundercnut · 21/10/2023 19:38

And absolutely tell your close friends! Friends are a godsend in this situation.

Acb1 · 21/10/2023 19:51

I'm so sorry to read this OP, you must be gutted. I've heard people do get over it with time and therapy, but it's a long road. I went through something semi- similar 6 years ago and I'm still not over it. I suppose it depends on the people involved and how you work to overcome it, but in my experience, the pain never really goes away and the trust is irreparably broken. I have good days and bad days but for a LONG time, I had more bad days than good. We now have a child together and it's made me have a different perspective on things. I love my husband and I'm very grateful for my ds, but there's a huge part of me that feels sad I lost so many years feeling desperately sad, paranoid and angry at him, her and myself, that I'm not sure it was worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide, wishing you the best.

Rania78 · 21/10/2023 20:07

Acb1 · 21/10/2023 19:51

I'm so sorry to read this OP, you must be gutted. I've heard people do get over it with time and therapy, but it's a long road. I went through something semi- similar 6 years ago and I'm still not over it. I suppose it depends on the people involved and how you work to overcome it, but in my experience, the pain never really goes away and the trust is irreparably broken. I have good days and bad days but for a LONG time, I had more bad days than good. We now have a child together and it's made me have a different perspective on things. I love my husband and I'm very grateful for my ds, but there's a huge part of me that feels sad I lost so many years feeling desperately sad, paranoid and angry at him, her and myself, that I'm not sure it was worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide, wishing you the best.

@Acb1 may I ask why you chose to stay?

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 21/10/2023 20:10

I'm so sorry Abc1 that you had to go through that experience also .It really is awful. I think maybe if he had some remorse or if i felt he understood my pain then maybe we could have tried to fix this ,but i just don't see that he is all that sorry ..I just know if i done this to him i would be moving mountains for him . I've cried a bathful of tears ,yet I've yet to see him cry. Perhaps it hasn't registered with him yet that the marriage is over .He might be begging me to stay together, but his actions are telling me he is not trustworthy.

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 21/10/2023 20:13

That's not just an affair... That's a whole other new life.

Cakeorchocolate · 21/10/2023 20:19

Hell no.
With his attitude I wouldn't even be attempting to stay together after a short affair.
He doesn't even see he's done anything wrong.

Sorry you're going through that op. Glad you've told him to get out.

Channellingsophistication · 21/10/2023 20:20

How utterly devastating but no going back really after 6 years of a double life… just take each day as it comes and lean on your friends for support. You will get through it -you really will.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 21/10/2023 20:27

It’s all gone wrong, he’s made a fool of you for 6 years, please don’t dump me now she’s dumped me as it’ll be costly 🤦🏽‍♀️ that’s all he’ll be thinking about.

Acb1 · 21/10/2023 20:32

We were meant to be getting married and starting a family just before I found out. I was at an age where it was now or never to start a family, we'd been together since we were very young and a few other factors involved that influenced my decision. I was very unhappy for years after, I was paranoid, my self esteem was rock bottom and I really struggled to trust anything he said. I was obsessed with her, and I think it was because I was looking for a reason to end it so I didn't hate myself as much as I did. I look back at those years now and I just feel sad. I'm not saying it's like this for everyone, just my own personal experience. I also wish I'd sought counselling but I never did.

rantinglunatic · 21/10/2023 21:51

@Feelinfedup congratulations on staying strong and knowing your true self worth.

hellohellothere · 21/10/2023 21:52

This wasn't just a moment of weakness or one off. It was sustained deception over a number of years and he has shown no remorse. I couldn't get over that.

Sadtoday123 · 22/10/2023 05:19

Would any of you appreciated the OW telling you

NotNowFGS · 22/10/2023 05:28

My neighbour was in an identical position to you OP. She let him come back and four years later he left again and she learned he'd never stopped seeing the other woman in the interim. Devastating.

PantsOfDoom · 22/10/2023 05:37

How could you ever trust him again? He is not truthful or honest at his core. The relationship cannot be rebuilt because he firmly believes what you don’t know about doesn’t hurt you.

PantsOfDoom · 22/10/2023 05:38

I’d forgive a drunken one night stand but not a 6 year love/sex affair

scoobysnaxx · 22/10/2023 05:51

He is absolutely vile OP. His responsive is disgusting and emotionally abusive.
I'm so sorry.
I am so pleased you have chosen to end it.
It must be really hard to envision a future happy life right now, but it's there and it will happen.
Sling him out.

autiebooklover · 22/10/2023 06:19

I wouldn't forgive any affair or one night stand.

And his reaction is appalling although tbf he's showing you who he is.
I'd be planning my exit.

Kittensat36 · 22/10/2023 06:29

I was pretty agog at his comment that he didn't see it as wrong and he was a good husband, but telling you that you need to stop making a fuss? You're his wife not a piece of furniture.

He's looking to you to accept his behaviour and become complicit in your own humiliation. I would be interested to know what he thinks he has done that makes him a good husband. Kept a roof over your head? Fed you? Clothed you? Well that's a live-in housekeeper with uniform thrown in.

He does need you, though. That is why he is being so vicious and cruel - to zombiefie you into staying. He gets his shag, while you take care of his domestic needs. If you leave, he will have to work out where the hoover is, how to do the washing himself. Or go through the rigmarole of getting together with someone else who'll do that. OW won't want to - she would have got him by to leave you years ago if that is what she wanted.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Leave. Make your life about you. Mend yourself. Good luck, OP.

cassy16 · 22/10/2023 06:54

Why is this even a post this relationship is 100% over wether you chose to see that now later is up to you but if I was you I’d run a mile and get the breaking process started