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Original poster

Where are the quiet kind men please?

132 replies

caffelattetogo · 17/10/2023 13:22

Sorry, this isn't for me. I have been in the same relationship for years.

But my best mate is having a shit time. She's late 50s and a few months ago found out her partner of 8 years has left her for his affair partner (unknown up until he decided he was off).

She's devastated, as they had plans to retire together etc. before him she was single for 10 years and her children have grown up.

I know she needs to take time to heal, but after that, where can she meet someone? She's reluctant to try online dating or pub and clubs as she is quite quiet and serious (but not boring). All her friends, like me, are married.

I've suggested maybe book clubs or evening classes, but I'm out of my depth as I haven't dated for decades.

Could I ask please, is there anything I can suggest? I'm happy to go to things as her wing woman if that's a thing still?

OP posts:
Original poster
caffelattetogo · 17/10/2023 13:23

That should be quiet kind SINGLE men!

OP posts:
LNY1986 · 17/10/2023 13:29

They don't exist. Sorry.

Your friend has grown up children and is now into her 50s. It sounds like she has had a fair dose.of crap blokes.
Now that she's older and the hussle and hustle of rearing a young family is (presumably) behind her now can't she just spend some time in her own company, enjoying hobbies and life on her own terms?
Or is she one of those that has to have a partner sniffing round her ankles constantly.

Why can't women be alone???

Original poster
caffelattetogo · 17/10/2023 13:41

That's a shame. She was alone, last stretch for 10 years, but I think it's having had the companionship of a relationship for the last bit that she's really enjoyed, and would like to have again.

Her first husband, the kids' dad, died in his 30s so she has had a bad run.

OP posts:
JustKen · 17/10/2023 13:48

As someone who is separating from a husband in her late 40s (fairly amicably) I can say that dating is the furthest thing on my mind. Lots of other things need attention first, practical things, but also personal adjustments to being on my own after so long in a couple.

I think your friend just needs time OP. She was sold something that didn't come through, and it's devastating for her. Support her, but also don't make noises about dates again until she mentions it first.

Wotrewelookinat · 17/10/2023 13:50

A walking group? Wildlife group? Volunteer for a wildlife group, food bank, at the hospital.

EBearhug · 17/10/2023 13:52

Is OLD so bad? You get to type to them first before speaking or meeting. It's not like trying to chat to a stranger in a noisy bar. Otherwise, I'd do evening classes and sports and go to art galleries and things I want to do, because at least I get to enjoy it. I might meet someone along the way, but if not, I'll have still done loads of stuff I enjoy anyway.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 17/10/2023 13:53

They’re all playing Warhammer.

Honestly.

I nabbed one of them and his friends are all really lovely and care about their wives and girlfriends.

No cheating, no lies, but you do end up being roped into painting miniatures and getting excited about funky dice.

MissyB1 · 17/10/2023 13:55

When she’s ready (and I really would take a break for at least 6-12 months if I was her), then she might meet someone at a hobby/sport/interest. She should look for new things to do with her time that she will enjoy for herself though, not just to look for a partner.

975zyx · 17/10/2023 14:01

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 17/10/2023 13:53

They’re all playing Warhammer.

Honestly.

I nabbed one of them and his friends are all really lovely and care about their wives and girlfriends.

No cheating, no lies, but you do end up being roped into painting miniatures and getting excited about funky dice.

Or scratch building spacecraft 😂
Similar type, highly recommended…

EcoChica1980 · 17/10/2023 14:06

It sounds like you're friend could do with some time alone, but if she's determined to meet someone...

Apps are way better than their reputation, and way better than they used to be. I understand the aversion - it can seem like a beauty contest - but if you have some guardrails around it it can really work.

If you match with someone and exchange some chat, don't wait for them to ask to meet up - ask them. Just say you're here to actually meet people. If they stall they're timewasters anyway.

If you meet up with someone, treat it like you're interviewing them for a job. It doesn't have to be high-stakes, or dinner or even a drink. A half-hour walk in the park with a plan for somewhere to be afterwards is fine

Judge others as you would like to be judged. If you think your personality is you're biggest selling point - and not your looks - apply the same standard to the people you're trying to meet.

PointyPot · 17/10/2023 14:07

They are putting lego sets together, requires patience and they sometimes keep the empty boxes too, in pristine condition. Look for local board game clubs. Seriously.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon Ds is 17 and plays Dnd, we have a lot of dice in this house, dice bags, dice rollers, dice mats and yet somehow another dice is on the Christmas list. He plays online over headsets with his mates, they also play in sixth form too in their enrichment afternoon.

Deathbyfluffy · 17/10/2023 14:09

LNY1986 · 17/10/2023 13:29

They don't exist. Sorry.

Your friend has grown up children and is now into her 50s. It sounds like she has had a fair dose.of crap blokes.
Now that she's older and the hussle and hustle of rearing a young family is (presumably) behind her now can't she just spend some time in her own company, enjoying hobbies and life on her own terms?
Or is she one of those that has to have a partner sniffing round her ankles constantly.

Why can't women be alone???

Well that's just inflammatory nonsense - of course nice men in their 50s exist.
I'm a man in my late 30s and know plenty of nice men between my age and 60+, some of them single and matching the OP's criteria perfectly.

There's some rubbish spouted on here sometimes 🙄

SamW98 · 17/10/2023 14:12

As someone a similar age to your friend , I would say approach the dating apps with caution as it’s pretty grim for us older single ladies.

Cazzovuoi · 17/10/2023 14:12

Basically the nerds.

My DH is the kindest, gentlest human being and he’s king of the nerds.

UpUpUpU · 17/10/2023 14:16

Agree with the nerds!

my partner is a professor of chemistry! He takes his son to warhammer, he sails boats, loves the countryside, 3D prints anything you can imagine and he is a kind, beautiful soul as well as an animal in the bedroom 😉 They do exist

ReadtheReviews · 17/10/2023 14:19

America. Much less commitment averse. Manage to be sweet without being wet.

Rousblouse · 17/10/2023 14:20

Yep the decent nerds. My DD has just started university studying to be a nerd and one of her male nerd friends put it well for her, here your odds are good but the goods are odd. They are just too cute.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/10/2023 14:21

Found mine on bumble. He's a dream.

CheerfulYank · 17/10/2023 14:22

Does she have any interest in relocating to the rural American Midwest? I know the kindest man (must be 57 or 58) who’s just been through a rough divorce. He’s a farmer; we met when our town was chosen to send a cohort to a rural leader’s conference some years ago and all of us have kept in touch. He’s lovely.

I’m saying that somewhat tongue in cheek because of course she’s not going to move out of her country, but I just mention him as an example to say they definitely do exist! I would just try to get out and be social. I never want to try the dreaded dating apps myself but other people do have luck on them 🤷‍♀️

Alissia · 17/10/2023 14:23

Imo they are nerds, sometimes too quiet to shine on OLD (my experience). They do exist, though.
Give her time. When she’s ready, if she pursues her interests she’ll meet people who align with her.

HerMammy · 17/10/2023 14:23

I have a lovely friend who is 57, never married, kind etc but he is ND seems to put women off, has a good job, own home but no luck in love. Think he's accepted he's staying single.

toomanyleggings · 17/10/2023 14:24

She’d be better off just pleasing herself as a single woman. I say this as a married person. I wouldn’t be starting again actively looking in my fifties. Lots of nice social activities you can do. No need for a bloke

Original poster
caffelattetogo · 17/10/2023 14:37

JustKen · 17/10/2023 13:48

As someone who is separating from a husband in her late 40s (fairly amicably) I can say that dating is the furthest thing on my mind. Lots of other things need attention first, practical things, but also personal adjustments to being on my own after so long in a couple.

I think your friend just needs time OP. She was sold something that didn't come through, and it's devastating for her. Support her, but also don't make noises about dates again until she mentions it first.

Sorry, I should have said. She has mentioned it, but has no idea where to start.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/10/2023 14:41

They are leading quiet boring lives. And won't be out and about much. Maybe they would try online dating. If your friend won't she is narrowing her options. Book clubs and evening classes are a waste of time if your objective is to meet a potential partner.

Namechange666 · 17/10/2023 14:43

Someone at work I know, paints warhammer stuff and does D&D his poor unsuspecting girlfriend of years and years, doesn't know he cheated on her on work nights out. Think he does youtube as well about games Etc.

He's horribly arrogant so I've absolutely no idea what anyone sees in him frankly. He is bright but would rather be lazy. If he can get out of anything, he would.

She tends to come out with him on work dos now. Wonder if she ever found out... the ones he cheated on with were wildly different to this girlfriend.

Anyway, op regardless of this, good ones do exist. Mine 17 years on is a good egg.

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