Where are the quiet kind men please?

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Sorry, this isn't for me. I have been in the same relationship for years.

But my best mate is having a shit time. She's late 50s and a few months ago found out her partner of 8 years has left her for his affair partner (unknown up until he decided he was off).

She's devastated, as they had plans to retire together etc. before him she was single for 10 years and her children have grown up.

I know she needs to take time to heal, but after that, where can she meet someone? She's reluctant to try online dating or pub and clubs as she is quite quiet and serious (but not boring). All her friends, like me, are married.

I've suggested maybe book clubs or evening classes, but I'm out of my depth as I haven't dated for decades.

Could I ask please, is there anything I can suggest? I'm happy to go to things as her wing woman if that's a thing still?

I'm married to one.

Different age group but my the pattern amongst my lovely DP and my friends with lovely DPs as opposed to sketchy wideboys is those that are frankly, geeks (said with love) who have their minds on other things than chasing women/ competitive sport/ socialising/ money/ work seem to make nicer partners less interested in playing silly buggers.

Could be anything but they have to have cultivated a deep interest. Volunteering groups, those who list unusual interests online. STEM occupations (not so much medicine in my experience). I know it's generalising, just sharing my experience, before any engineers hasten to shout at me!

Definitely what @Catlord said - nerdy geeks who have a special interest in something - 'Could be anything but they have to have cultivated a deep interest'.

That is key, in my experience, and while they might be wearing frayed shirts and self-darned 20 year-old jumpers, once they get talking and find an interested listener I have found they have a lot of interesting things to say, and are interested in your ideas too.

Where to find these rare specimens? Libraries (check the notice board for regular group activities), board games like scrabble, walking, volunteering, university gardens - there are often lovely walks in university grounds open to the public, games clubs, allotments, gardening clubs, meet-up groups of things like anthropology, archaeology, philosophy, history, book groups, writer's groups.

Just some ideas. Good luck to your friend. Ignore the naysayers, it's a normal, healthy, human desire for connection to want someone special in your life.

Lol! My husband fits the bill and is a Warhammer man. He was cool when I met him 🤣

One or two posters have claimed that women don’t need men and in theory that might be true but the lack of a partner was brought home to me recently when I was admitted to hospital unexpectedly. Obviously we don’t seek out a partner purely in case we end up in hospital but it really highlighted how alone I was. No one to keep the house going etc etc. Friends and family helped but it’s not the same.

OP, two of my friends have found decent long term partners through OLD and both are very happy, they met a few no hopers but kept going so really think your friend should give it a go.

@Catlord nailed it in a few succinct sentences - men like this are absolutely not going to be found in pubs, bars and clubs - an entirely alien environment for them, apart from the very odd occasion

Wow you've just jogged a memory! The nicest guy I ever dated also played Warhammer. Interesting.

The up votes for us slightly nerdy types is reassuring, tho I'm not really a fan of that word. A lot of my interests don't present a great deal of opportunities, and my experience probably reflects what someone else said about OLD profiles not shining 🤣 I don't have a great selection of photos of me, despite being busy & quite a few friends. The matches I do get are all lovely even if they don't work out, so I don't want to sound like I'm complaining

Not being that much younger than the OP friend, agree with the people saying focusing on social things around her interests is good plan, it's part of my plan. Even if I don't meet people during them, I'm doing an interest I can put on OLD to attract similar & have something to talk about. Also, no need to rush, being happy single is an attractive thing, or least it is to me. More things to life than relationships, want to be liked not needed 😱

Quite a lot of them at church. I'm not even joking, it attracts the self reflective type and if your friend is curious about religion she might benefit from attending some of the social groups they organise. She could end up with faith as well as a man!

Where are the quiet kind single men please?

Many of our male friends fall into this category and by 30s 40s had basically given up the thought of marriage and settled down to their hobbies and being the crazy uncle who spoiled all the kids.

Can't think of any of our married friends children who didn't invite these uncles to their weddings.

@BigFatLiar not just uncles, children too ;-) I have one living up the road, other is working in Japan so obviously I have to visit when my passport is sorted! The hobbies and interests list is long, it's true, even some fellow singles ask how I do it all 🤣 Adaptable for the right person to make time, but a good person not anyone

Yep very true, their brains are focussed elsewhere. Needs to be a balance of course as some can not focus on their partner either but on the whole they've made good partners. Also tend to be deeper thinkers. Far more interesting than the other men too.

Just have to look past that they are not alpha male types which is what seems to attract most women, then they wonder why the men cheat etc.

Just on a side note, Warhammer 40k is really tricky to learn to play 🤣🤣😭 or maybe I'm just a bit dim.

Board game clubs
Quiet sport clubs (archery, fishing, badminton)
Ramblers
Volunteering

She needs to build a life and heal.

Meetup.com

I'm married to one (stamp collector).
You couldn't ask for a nicer, kinder, quieter person.
I met him online.

I absolutely get that Warhammer, D&D, archery clubs, vintage car clubs etc might be a good place to meet eligible bachelors.

But I still think it's pretty desperate for a woman presumably with no interest AT ALL in Warhammer etc to join a hobby club and pretend to be into it just to snag a man. That's not even taking into account the start up costs of hobbies like these.

Do you think men's forums are advising single men to join knitting circles and yoga classes to meet eligible women? Are they fuck!

How about music festivals and local gigs? DH and I are regular attendees at local rock and folk music concerts and they're usually teeming with men on their own. We often get talking to people.

Saying that I second Ramblers etc as everyone likes walking.

They don't exist. Sorry.

Course they do... so cynical

@THisbackwithavengeance I can confirm not many men are doing those things 🤣 I wouldn't complain about seeing a few more fellow men at yoga, pilates and the odd time I've tried crafty events. Not too many tho, and the right sort 🙏 I do these things for the activity, primarily

Geeky hobbies. Local history society?

What's she into?

America. Much less commitment averse. Manage to be sweet without being wet.

No way would I risk an American

Just remember that these are the same men that have been labelled as boring and not worth bothering with in previous years.

I am not saying this in a bad way, Just pointing out what they have had to deal with.

Try joining a local choir?

They do exist, I'm married to one (a bit younger mind you...). He and his similar friends are into hiking, Dungeons and Dragons, 80s music, comedy shows, but also martial arts. Not sure where your friend could nab one, but the advice given by others is good: make time for her own hobbies, and if she happens to meet a good 'un while she's there, great.

I would say it's not about trying to dive headfirst into a random hobby to pick up men, rather to see that immersion in an interest(s) as a good quality and value it when OLD or out meeting people. Of course developing her own interests is going to be really beneficial, they don't have to match with the men she's trying to meet.

I definitely wouldn't have pretended to be an expert or super keen on DP's hobbies to make him like me but they become quite infectious when someone talks with passion, even if it is bus spotting.

Being a music aficionado counts in my book so going to gigs is a good call too on that front!